Dear Anita,

Thank you for thinking of me. I do not get an email notification when anything is posted in this thread. It was a bit hard to process anything so I have not returned back to this thread. Anita, you have a brilliant mind and can easily detect characteristics of people.

There was another rage incident this week since the last time we spoke. I went to go surprise my grandma for her 88th bday on the east coast. When I returned he welcomed me. The issue all spiraled from a neighbor parking commercial vehicles in the neighborhood, and blocking out parking strategically around our house instead of the neighbors house. It started with screaming and hitting the car. Thankfully no damage. He walked up to neighbors door screaming and the neighbor came out and almost punched him. Cops were called to keep the peace twice. His sister told me to try to help him not drink because that makes it worse. I had some success and then it started back up last night and called his sister again because she can really calm him down.  I called her because his language switched to physically harming the neighbor, even killing him. His sister told him that’s not human. His mom offered to go a legal route and did talk to attorney to address the conflict that way. Attorney said it was perfectly legal to park commercial vehicles and to try to settle it. His sister told him he is frustrated and stressed and taking it out on the neighbor and to breathe deeply. He hung up on her, but then proceeded to change his language to other ways to express his anger that is non violent. So I thought it was successful repair. We have to leave this area, so he doesn’t keep getting triggered and angry over parking. He basically told me stand by me , or leave and protect yourself.

I guess I was referring to bipolar because it is almost like a psychosis because of the disproportion irritation that is in a reality i don’t understand. The only two patterns I am noticing is that when I leave for a few days and return, he goes into this mode, and so far the rage has been over parking. When he gets too stressed he tells me that he needs time to relax alone so we don’t get tense with each other. His mom told me she worries about me or if he could hurt me. I told her it is okay, he respects me and doesn’t want to make me angry. (I didn’t tell her the time I punched him in defense, but remembered that incident and how it made him cry and myself cry. Not a healthy situation but this is how I know and trust he really doesn’t want to hurt me). He hasn’t committed any crimes or act upon his dark thoughts. And I Am trying to come up with a healing plan so that those harmful thoughts can be reduced. I am not alone in handling this so I do feel safer. But my ptsd can’t handle yelling and screaming. I was crying for hours yesterday alone just to let it out. It scares me. Another thing I try to do to calm things is ring his friends up. and that usually redirects his thoughts and makes it a more jovial time.

I am not sure what to do Anita. The thought of leaving makes me deeply sad so I spend my energy trying to mitigate it instead.

I am sorry for the delayed response. I hope you are well and enjoying fall?

Best wishes,

zeeza

Dear Anita,

We want to travel, but everything is currently on hold because he is helping his parent’s buy a house for months, which has been a huge source of stress. His parents want to get a house that is big enough for all 4 of us. Currently we are staying with his parents (which is very big). Thankfully for crypto, he pulled out before everything dropped and went crazy. He is definitely keeping tabs, but it seems more out of fascination rather than a stress source. But he is stressed because he doesn’t have as much money to buy the dream house his parents want. And we are stuck here until a new house is bought. Because his parents are in a rush, the house is sold, he feels pressured. Although we can leave for a weekend or so here and there. There is a house that they all love, which would have so much outdoor room for projects and away from any road noise. The issue is the house needs a new roof and decks, and they want a lot for it and won’t negotiate down even with contractors sharing the cost to fix.

I still have my nightmare apartment up north. The lease ends in December. He wanted to help me move out of my apartment and go north with me, after a house was bought. I haven’t been north since I finished college in August. Today seems much calmer, and yes I agree, not having alcohol in the picture really calms things down.

I am still making art, I figured out how to make a timelapse video of a whole art piece creation. It is very interesting to watch how I correct or adjust things right when I think I ruined it. My grandma was very happy to see us. I gave her a present from mexico that she adored- little turtle that is painted so colorfully. She has parkinson’s and is losing mobility to moved to assisted living. For some reason, she doesn’t accept help from anyone but me (my aunts told me). So I feel like I need to go back to help her transition into furniture that is easy for her to get in and out of. When I told grandma I could come back for longer, she said that is too long! Haha so I am not exactly sure how to best help besides calling and setting up the nurses with her favorite cello music.

zeeza

Dear Anita,

I am not sure if the parents have suggested marriage, they have joked that when we go on trips that we randomly got married. They speak with each other in another language so half the time I do not understand what they are saying. His mom very much likes my presence and I try to help out with anything I can around the house. I brought back a surprise for her that was a moon necklace, after she gave me a thoughtful card that said “reach for the moon you will at least land amongst the stars”

He and I are at an agreement where legal marriage doesn’t seem ideal. It just makes things messy. But we have systems set up were I can immediately transfer money to his account and pay for utilities and groceries etc. And he has added me to various accounts like Triple AAA so it is like we are married but easily reversible and still separate lives.  I have not paid rent but try to cover any cost of living expenses.

I think their dream is to not be left alone. It is their culture for multigenerations to live in one house. Although we would rather travel, and he has tried convincing them to look at smaller, easier to manage houses. We spend most of our time outside in our travel trailer with heat. I make coffee and lunch there, so to not interrupt their kitchen use. They are very particular routine people and I try not to interrupt that.

Yes for visiting my grandma it was just me and my aunts.

For psychiatry appointment for my partner, I am not sure if he would be open minded to it. I tried after the whole festival ordeal. What I did successfully do is connect him with people that handle stressful situations with grace that he deeply respects and learns from. He quotes this friend directly throughout the day like a fun inside joke and reminder that everything is ok.

I want to go up north tomorrow to see friends and move out of my apartment. His mom told me it would be okay, that I do not need to worry and stay for him because he does have a support system here and they will make sure his behavior isn’t going to get him in trouble. So with confidence that his family will look out for him in his coming down fo a crisis, I am packing and preparing to drive tomorrow. It will be a 10 hour drive starting at 7am. I am excited to see my friends and my cat Sir Harry- my friends have been watching him. I wish I could take sir Harry with me. During college I did introduce and train him to van life. He liked it but he still needs to be able to sprawl his legs. I tried harness training and he didn’t like that. But even without a harness he would still stay close by. He did escape one day when I left windows open for him. I called out his name in a panic and he came running from the woods back to the van. He is a bit overweight so his belly was flopping in a cartoon kind of way.

I am not sure what to do with all my stuff but I am opted to put it in storage rather than get rid of it. I won’t store furniture, just my art and instruments like an electric keyboard and big paintings, hard to replace silverware, and a mini air fryer. Other nice quality things I can give away, like my keurig and rumba vacuum.

I have been trying to convert my van into an art studio. Where I changed the seats up so it isn’t a giant bed but a giant couch. I have bright LED lights my partner gifted to me, and solar power. I have been focusing more on making my van my living space than adapting to living in a house. But it has been cold so we have been sleeping inside the past week.

I am not sure what the future holds, but I want to protect myself by keeping some form of self security. Where i have a place to go to, and if I needed to change my housing I could easily travel in my van and visit friends, rent a room nearby etc.

Because his parents are very very clean and have a dog, Sir Harry (who sheds a lot of hair) wouldn’t be excitedly welcomed. But he does love the van and I used my dyson daily to take care of the hair. I used a giant dog kennel to house his cat box, because Harry likes to have walls to wipe his paws on, and then I made a desk on top of that with an adjustable table top desk that is designed to make any desk a standing desk. I had a rubber mat that led out of the cat box that caught any cat litter. Harry loved the small road trips we did (max 2 hours) if he wasn’t in a kennel. He would just sit and look out the window in the passenger seat, and if he needed anything he would meow to let me know and take care of business once we pulled over.

I have thought of the option of renting an apartment nearby, but it is ridiculously expensive. What I could afford is an hour or so away. And on top of that I would like to travel anyways so it has been confusing trying to sort it all out.

The theme I keep reminding myself is to not be codependent, where I throw away parts of my own life to keep peace with a relationship but meet in the middle instead.

Hope you are well Anita! Will keep updating this thread.

Best wishes,

zeeza

Dear Anita,

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I reread what you wrote twice so that I was fully understanding. I feel secure in the sense where I trust myself to create peace wherever I may be. I tend to keep my own space and leave no trace of my path and very considerate of the ways the house flow, because sometimes high stress can cause health problems for his mom. She is kind to me, but before I have heard from my partner and herself about her own rage attacks. My partner put it as since you have been here it has been calmer. She explained to me steroid treatments that caused her to be so angry she hurt her dog, who she still has and he loves her very much.

I almost had someone look at my van for free, and had one mechanic over the phone straight up tell me I don’t have an issue because it would be a clear symptom with broken power steering.

I dyed my hair and focused on making art. I have made 3 art pieces in the past 3 days. I hardly could sleep last night. I dyed my hair at his sisters house who pulled me to the side and told me that if he ever lays his hands on me to run and call her and promise her that no matter what I will walk away and double asked me are you living your life for you? and she let me know that they all understand as a family that he has this aggressive streak, and i explained how we pause and take space before things get to heated with anger. and His mom seems to very trusting as well by sharing what she thinks about certain family members and wounded children, and how she never wanted her kids to ever become wounded children and she recognized that I was a wounded child. That house that they wanted was finally negotiated and they signed paper work to purchase it today. So I really adore this house and I found it months ago before they did on a listing but the price was extremely high. And it came down very far. So it is looking like December is when it would be solidified. It is big enough to have happy baby goats or a husky is the joke.

I do not feel like he is a harmful person because he does build me up, support me, and helps me with my own goals. He is not antagonistic but tries his best to be harmonic and when that isn’t the case there is space. The art I have been making is like crypto currency caricature of scam artists he has studied of the current times like a joke.

I feel very exhausted it has been hard to sleep. Things have been calmer. I know have 4 days off, someone who could look at to tlet me know if my van really does have a problem that needs to be fixed, and honestly I started smoking cigarettes again. I am trying to switch back to vaping.

Are you excited for tomorrow?

Best Wishes,

Zeeza