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September 18, 2022 at 6:37 pm #407208AnonymousGuest
How are you, Zeeza???
anitaOctober 2, 2022 at 8:05 pm #407881AnonymousGuest
Thinking about you, Zeeza.
anitaNovember 18, 2022 at 11:32 am #410231
Thank you for thinking of me. I do not get an email notification when anything is posted in this thread. It was a bit hard to process anything so I have not returned back to this thread. Anita, you have a brilliant mind and can easily detect characteristics of people.
There was another rage incident this week since the last time we spoke. I went to go surprise my grandma for her 88th bday on the east coast. When I returned he welcomed me. The issue all spiraled from a neighbor parking commercial vehicles in the neighborhood, and blocking out parking strategically around our house instead of the neighbors house. It started with screaming and hitting the car. Thankfully no damage. He walked up to neighbors door screaming and the neighbor came out and almost punched him. Cops were called to keep the peace twice. His sister told me to try to help him not drink because that makes it worse. I had some success and then it started back up last night and called his sister again because she can really calm him down. I called her because his language switched to physically harming the neighbor, even killing him. His sister told him that’s not human. His mom offered to go a legal route and did talk to attorney to address the conflict that way. Attorney said it was perfectly legal to park commercial vehicles and to try to settle it. His sister told him he is frustrated and stressed and taking it out on the neighbor and to breathe deeply. He hung up on her, but then proceeded to change his language to other ways to express his anger that is non violent. So I thought it was successful repair. We have to leave this area, so he doesn’t keep getting triggered and angry over parking. He basically told me stand by me , or leave and protect yourself.
I guess I was referring to bipolar because it is almost like a psychosis because of the disproportion irritation that is in a reality i don’t understand. The only two patterns I am noticing is that when I leave for a few days and return, he goes into this mode, and so far the rage has been over parking. When he gets too stressed he tells me that he needs time to relax alone so we don’t get tense with each other. His mom told me she worries about me or if he could hurt me. I told her it is okay, he respects me and doesn’t want to make me angry. (I didn’t tell her the time I punched him in defense, but remembered that incident and how it made him cry and myself cry. Not a healthy situation but this is how I know and trust he really doesn’t want to hurt me). He hasn’t committed any crimes or act upon his dark thoughts. And I Am trying to come up with a healing plan so that those harmful thoughts can be reduced. I am not alone in handling this so I do feel safer. But my ptsd can’t handle yelling and screaming. I was crying for hours yesterday alone just to let it out. It scares me. Another thing I try to do to calm things is ring his friends up. and that usually redirects his thoughts and makes it a more jovial time.
I am not sure what to do Anita. The thought of leaving makes me deeply sad so I spend my energy trying to mitigate it instead.
I am sorry for the delayed response. I hope you are well and enjoying fall?
zeezaNovember 18, 2022 at 12:23 pm #410233AnonymousGuest
I am thrilled to read from you!!! Only last evening- or the evening before last- I again heard on the news about the crypto currency collapse and I was wondering how he has been taking it, since he was so into crypto currency. You are welcome and yes, I am enjoying (the latest very pleasant, sunny) fall weather.
“There was another rage incident this week… We have to leave this area, so he doesn’t keep getting triggered and angry over parking… The only two patterns I am noticing is that when I leave for a few days and return, he goes into this mode, and so far the rage has been over parking“- are thinking that it will significantly help to move with him to a less urban area, a rural area perhaps (no parking problems) and.. to never leave him for more than a few hours?
“When he gets too stressed, he tells me that he needs time to relax alone so we don’t get tense with each other“- good strategy.
“His mom told me she worries about me or if he could hurt me“- I am worried about you too.
“I told her it is okay, he respects me and doesn’t want to make me angry“- it may take a moment when he is too angry to respects you, a moment when you forget to give him enough time to relax alone…?
“He hasn’t committed any crimes or act upon his dark thoughts“- yet. How many people had dark, violent thoughts for years before finally acting on those thoughts? How many people in prison did not commit any crimes before they finally did?
“I Am trying to come up with a healing plan so that those harmful thoughts can be reduced“- it may take him withdrawing from alcohol and drugs under medical supervision and receiving proper psychiatric care.
“I am not alone in handling this so I do feel safer… Another thing I try to do to calm things is ring his friends up. and that usually redirects his thoughts and makes it a more jovial time“- having other people (his mother, his sister, his friends) involved in positive ways is a good thing.
“But my ptsd can’t handle yelling and screaming. I was crying for hours yesterday alone just to let it out. It scares me… I am not sure what to do Anita. The thought of leaving makes me deeply sad so I spend my energy trying to mitigate it instead“- I am not sure about your current situation: are you living with him, as a couple, in an apartment (the small studio where you lived before), or a house, in the big city you lived in before? (Earlier, you considered a full-time nomad lifestyle in a converted van)?
anitaNovember 18, 2022 at 3:00 pm #410242
We want to travel, but everything is currently on hold because he is helping his parent’s buy a house for months, which has been a huge source of stress. His parents want to get a house that is big enough for all 4 of us. Currently we are staying with his parents (which is very big). Thankfully for crypto, he pulled out before everything dropped and went crazy. He is definitely keeping tabs, but it seems more out of fascination rather than a stress source. But he is stressed because he doesn’t have as much money to buy the dream house his parents want. And we are stuck here until a new house is bought. Because his parents are in a rush, the house is sold, he feels pressured. Although we can leave for a weekend or so here and there. There is a house that they all love, which would have so much outdoor room for projects and away from any road noise. The issue is the house needs a new roof and decks, and they want a lot for it and won’t negotiate down even with contractors sharing the cost to fix.
I still have my nightmare apartment up north. The lease ends in December. He wanted to help me move out of my apartment and go north with me, after a house was bought. I haven’t been north since I finished college in August. Today seems much calmer, and yes I agree, not having alcohol in the picture really calms things down.
I am still making art, I figured out how to make a timelapse video of a whole art piece creation. It is very interesting to watch how I correct or adjust things right when I think I ruined it. My grandma was very happy to see us. I gave her a present from mexico that she adored- little turtle that is painted so colorfully. She has parkinson’s and is losing mobility to moved to assisted living. For some reason, she doesn’t accept help from anyone but me (my aunts told me). So I feel like I need to go back to help her transition into furniture that is easy for her to get in and out of. When I told grandma I could come back for longer, she said that is too long! Haha so I am not exactly sure how to best help besides calling and setting up the nurses with her favorite cello music.
zeezaNovember 19, 2022 at 9:32 am #410251AnonymousGuest
“His parents want to get a house that is big enough for all 4 of us“- I wonder if you are paying his parents rent/ a market-value rent, and if they want you to live with them in a new house as a tenant (and as their son’s live-in girlfriend)… or is marriage in the picture. Has it been suggested by his parents that the two of you get married?
“He is stressed because he doesn’t have as much money to buy the dream house his parents want. And we are stuck here until a new house is bought“- in regard to his parents’ dream… what is their dream when it comes to you and their only son?
“I still have my nightmare apartment up north. The lease ends in December. He wanted to help me move out of my apartment and go north with me, after a house was bought. I haven’t been north since I finished college in August“- I hope that this nightmare apartment situation resolves completely by the end of this year!
“I am still making art..“- this brings a smile to my face. I remember the many times you shared about your art.
“My grandma was very happy to see us“- wait, I thought that you visited your grandma alone, not with your boyfriend. Maybe by “us” you meant you and others of your family members. I can imagine how happy she was to receive your colorful turtle gift!
“Today seems much calmer, and yes I agree, not having alcohol in the picture really calms things“- how about him making an appointment to see a psychiatrist so to keep himself calm?
anitaNovember 19, 2022 at 2:34 pm #410256
I am not sure if the parents have suggested marriage, they have joked that when we go on trips that we randomly got married. They speak with each other in another language so half the time I do not understand what they are saying. His mom very much likes my presence and I try to help out with anything I can around the house. I brought back a surprise for her that was a moon necklace, after she gave me a thoughtful card that said “reach for the moon you will at least land amongst the stars”
He and I are at an agreement where legal marriage doesn’t seem ideal. It just makes things messy. But we have systems set up were I can immediately transfer money to his account and pay for utilities and groceries etc. And he has added me to various accounts like Triple AAA so it is like we are married but easily reversible and still separate lives. I have not paid rent but try to cover any cost of living expenses.
I think their dream is to not be left alone. It is their culture for multigenerations to live in one house. Although we would rather travel, and he has tried convincing them to look at smaller, easier to manage houses. We spend most of our time outside in our travel trailer with heat. I make coffee and lunch there, so to not interrupt their kitchen use. They are very particular routine people and I try not to interrupt that.
Yes for visiting my grandma it was just me and my aunts.
For psychiatry appointment for my partner, I am not sure if he would be open minded to it. I tried after the whole festival ordeal. What I did successfully do is connect him with people that handle stressful situations with grace that he deeply respects and learns from. He quotes this friend directly throughout the day like a fun inside joke and reminder that everything is ok.
I want to go up north tomorrow to see friends and move out of my apartment. His mom told me it would be okay, that I do not need to worry and stay for him because he does have a support system here and they will make sure his behavior isn’t going to get him in trouble. So with confidence that his family will look out for him in his coming down fo a crisis, I am packing and preparing to drive tomorrow. It will be a 10 hour drive starting at 7am. I am excited to see my friends and my cat Sir Harry- my friends have been watching him. I wish I could take sir Harry with me. During college I did introduce and train him to van life. He liked it but he still needs to be able to sprawl his legs. I tried harness training and he didn’t like that. But even without a harness he would still stay close by. He did escape one day when I left windows open for him. I called out his name in a panic and he came running from the woods back to the van. He is a bit overweight so his belly was flopping in a cartoon kind of way.
I am not sure what to do with all my stuff but I am opted to put it in storage rather than get rid of it. I won’t store furniture, just my art and instruments like an electric keyboard and big paintings, hard to replace silverware, and a mini air fryer. Other nice quality things I can give away, like my keurig and rumba vacuum.
I have been trying to convert my van into an art studio. Where I changed the seats up so it isn’t a giant bed but a giant couch. I have bright LED lights my partner gifted to me, and solar power. I have been focusing more on making my van my living space than adapting to living in a house. But it has been cold so we have been sleeping inside the past week.
I am not sure what the future holds, but I want to protect myself by keeping some form of self security. Where i have a place to go to, and if I needed to change my housing I could easily travel in my van and visit friends, rent a room nearby etc.
Because his parents are very very clean and have a dog, Sir Harry (who sheds a lot of hair) wouldn’t be excitedly welcomed. But he does love the van and I used my dyson daily to take care of the hair. I used a giant dog kennel to house his cat box, because Harry likes to have walls to wipe his paws on, and then I made a desk on top of that with an adjustable table top desk that is designed to make any desk a standing desk. I had a rubber mat that led out of the cat box that caught any cat litter. Harry loved the small road trips we did (max 2 hours) if he wasn’t in a kennel. He would just sit and look out the window in the passenger seat, and if he needed anything he would meow to let me know and take care of business once we pulled over.
I have thought of the option of renting an apartment nearby, but it is ridiculously expensive. What I could afford is an hour or so away. And on top of that I would like to travel anyways so it has been confusing trying to sort it all out.
The theme I keep reminding myself is to not be codependent, where I throw away parts of my own life to keep peace with a relationship but meet in the middle instead.
Hope you are well Anita! Will keep updating this thread.
zeezaNovember 19, 2022 at 4:16 pm #410257
Well now by partner reminds me that I need to get my power steering checked first and so I made an appointment for Monday. One mechanic said that if I really did have any issues it would be obvious, but this is all based from some backyard mechanic saying I was missing bolts-and he wants me to double check.November 19, 2022 at 6:37 pm #410259AnonymousGuest
I read some of your recent posts, will read attentively Sun morning and reply then, good night, Zeeza!
anitaNovember 20, 2022 at 11:15 am #410382AnonymousGuest
At first I thought that you are on the road this morning, traveling up north in your converted van, but reading your 2nd post, seems like you’ll be staying in California till tomorrow when you have the van’s power steering checked. Your boyfriend has practical sense and suggestions, such as checking that your van is ready for the planned long drive.
“His mom very much likes my presence and I try to help out with anything I can around the house. I brought back a surprise for her that was a moon necklace, after she gave me a thoughtful card that said ‘reach for the moon you will at least land amongst the stars‘”- that’s very nice.
“He and I are at an agreement where legal marriage doesn’t seem ideal. It just makes things messy. But we have systems set up where I can immediately transfer money to his account and pay for utilities and groceries etc. And he has added me to various accounts like Triple AAA, so it is like we are married but easily reversible and still separate lives. I have not paid rent but try to cover any cost of living expenses… We spend most of our time outside in our travel trailer with heat. I make coffee and lunch there, so to not interrupt their kitchen use“- seems to me that although marriage represents security for most women, and marriage is not likely a possibility here, you still feel emotionally secure in this situation because (1) his mother likes you a lot, (2) his parents appreciate you for being with their troubled and occasionally abusive son, something that not all women would be willing to do, and they appreciate that you know what to do when he gets rageful, i.e., calling them/ friends, (3) you are much younger than him and you don’t have children from a previous relationship, nor did you bring pets into their house, (4) You pay for utilities and groceries, so you don’t cost them any money, (5) You help in the house but you live mostly outside their house, so that their routines are not interrupted.
Because of all these things (and correct me if I am wrong), you are aware of your value in this setting and you feel quite secure about staying with them all.
“I think their dream is to not be left alone. It is their culture for multi-generations to live in one house“- this dream is one of the reason you feel secure with them all, isn’t it?
“What I did successfully do is connect him with people who handle stressful situations with grace that he deeply respects and learns from“- you did and do well in this regard.
Good to read about Sir Harry! You are planning to store your belongings in the studio up north, trying to convert your van into an art studio… nice!
“The theme I keep reminding myself is to not be codependent, where I throw away parts of my own life to keep peace with a relationship but meet in the middle instead“- a little of the history of your current relationship and the codependent theme:
I think that you met your boyfriend at the end of August or the beginning of September 2021, a bit over a year ago, when you were 29, he was 45. A couple of months after meeting him, you referred to him as your “new future hubby“. You wrote back in Nov 2021: “his parents are very kind… future hubby is very kind“. On Nov 15, 2021, you described the first episode when he was drunk and verbally abused you. You wrote on that day (a year and five days ago): “When he was sober the next day and finally slept enough, we talked… I told him we should never talk to each other like that it is scary and he agreed and said sorry”.
On Dec 6, 2021, you wrote while staying in your studio apartment up north, away from your boyfriend: “feels like I am suspended in time waiting hoping that he will care as much as I care… I want stability and long term security. Most people consider that to be money but for me it is a forever home“.
You didn’t post for 8 months and then on Sept 8, 2022, you mentioned him again, adding that he was using MDMA aka ecstasy, in addition to abusing alcohol, and you described an escalation of his verbal abuse of the past: “He burned… destroyed… punched things near me…I had bruises on my arms“, etc. The cops were called.
You didn’t post for a while, and then on Nov 18, two days ago, you described another “rage attack” as you termed it: “It started with screaming and hitting the car… screaming and the neighbor came out and almost punched him. Cops were called to keep the peace twice“, etc.
I think that your current living situation, although it is not a marriage or an equivalent legal arrangement, still feels more of a “forever home” than your small studio up north ever felt, because there you were alone, and here- with him (and with his parents)- you are not alone and you are needed and valued. Strangely, it is your boyfriend’s drug/ alcohol abuse and his rage attacks.. that make you a highly needed and valued part of his and his parents’ lives. So.. you feel quite stable and secure in your dependence on his drug and alcohol dependency, which is what the term codependency is originally about.
“Hope you are well Anita! Will keep updating this thread“- I am well, thank you Zeeza, and again, I am thrilled to be talking with you again!!!
anitaNovember 23, 2022 at 5:48 pm #410619
I reread what you wrote twice so that I was fully understanding. I feel secure in the sense where I trust myself to create peace wherever I may be. I tend to keep my own space and leave no trace of my path and very considerate of the ways the house flow, because sometimes high stress can cause health problems for his mom. She is kind to me, but before I have heard from my partner and herself about her own rage attacks. My partner put it as since you have been here it has been calmer. She explained to me steroid treatments that caused her to be so angry she hurt her dog, who she still has and he loves her very much.
I almost had someone look at my van for free, and had one mechanic over the phone straight up tell me I don’t have an issue because it would be a clear symptom with broken power steering.
I dyed my hair and focused on making art. I have made 3 art pieces in the past 3 days. I hardly could sleep last night. I dyed my hair at his sisters house who pulled me to the side and told me that if he ever lays his hands on me to run and call her and promise her that no matter what I will walk away and double asked me are you living your life for you? and she let me know that they all understand as a family that he has this aggressive streak, and i explained how we pause and take space before things get to heated with anger. and His mom seems to very trusting as well by sharing what she thinks about certain family members and wounded children, and how she never wanted her kids to ever become wounded children and she recognized that I was a wounded child. That house that they wanted was finally negotiated and they signed paper work to purchase it today. So I really adore this house and I found it months ago before they did on a listing but the price was extremely high. And it came down very far. So it is looking like December is when it would be solidified. It is big enough to have happy baby goats or a husky is the joke.
I do not feel like he is a harmful person because he does build me up, support me, and helps me with my own goals. He is not antagonistic but tries his best to be harmonic and when that isn’t the case there is space. The art I have been making is like crypto currency caricature of scam artists he has studied of the current times like a joke.
I feel very exhausted it has been hard to sleep. Things have been calmer. I know have 4 days off, someone who could look at to tlet me know if my van really does have a problem that needs to be fixed, and honestly I started smoking cigarettes again. I am trying to switch back to vaping.
Are you excited for tomorrow?
ZeezaNovember 23, 2022 at 7:40 pm #410631AnonymousGuest
Happy Thanksgiving Zeeza! I will read and reply further tomorrow morning!
anitaNovember 24, 2022 at 1:19 pm #410668AnonymousGuest
It is Thanksgiving Day and I am excited about the special meal of the day. It is sunny here and the sky is light blue, that’s nice to look at through the windows. I will go for my usual walk later on. I wonder how your holiday is, hoping that it is calm and yummy.
Sorry to read that you are smoking again (both smoking and vaping are bad for your health, aren’t they).
Reads like you feel quite secure as long as you stay out of the way.. sort of minimizing your footprint in the house. I bet that you are an expert on being as invisible and as audible as can be.
I am glad to read that his sister is supportive of you! So, his mother had (not anymore, or not for a long time?) rage attacks, and her son has an aggressive streak– not necessarily unrelated, I am thinking.
It’s pretty cool that you are the one who found the listing for the house that they are purchasing. I think that you are a blessing to their family in more than one way! Good to read that you’ve been doing art and reading that you dyed your hair reminds me of the last time you shared that you did. I think you dyed it blue at the time.
Again, I hope your holiday is calm and relaxing!
anitaNovember 30, 2022 at 5:50 pm #411032
Since the day before Thanksgiving we have been dealing with the house buying process. It was an odd fun timing to celebrate it all on thanksgiving. I successfully made dinner for the first time for the whole family. I was so nervous, oh my goodness but they all loved it and I got the seal of approval to make dinners in the future. It was hard because his mom is such a professional cook, better than any restaurant I have been to. I made chicken braid with some different ingredients but it is a delicious bread with chicken and cheese etc. I think the hardest part of food is thinking of what to make/eat.
I think smoking is like an anxiety relief but also a cause. It is like I want all the deep breaths to relax or feel like I can get a full breath.
I got my van all checked out by a professional who is a friend. He used to work highway patrol and would be the guy that came in after each car wreck to see if the mechanic aspect of the car contributed to the wreck. So he definitely gave me some good pointers. I may have carbon monoxide while driving if I don’t seal the windows properly. I have a manifold leak.
I also shared a photo of me as a kid at work and asked if anyone else would like to share their childhood photos. Multiple people joined and it became a fun thread. It reminded me of the inner child work we did here that was so helpful and yet still feels so vulnerable to reconnect to.
I bought a flight for my dad to visit me here for two weeks. It was a black friday deal. We want to go on a fun road trip and see the ocean. It will be during my bday too in Jan. He is finally almost recovered from that terrible motorcycle wreck he had on memorial day.
I hope you are staying warm, I heard there are a lot of snow storms up there! As I Am considering coming up there soon to complete the move, not sure when the safest time to go will be in December. But I have great tires so I think I will be okay.
The house is something easy to fix up that my dad has years of experience doing. My Bf doesn’t want my dad to have to work though while visiting. Feeling like I am getting a lot of stuff done but also trying to prepare for a lot of moving in the holidays. I like that though since it is a solid focus on something other than holiday stuff.
zeezaDecember 1, 2022 at 7:50 am #411054AnonymousGuest
Good to read back from you, Zeeza! It snowed here for a while but not much snow on the ground: way less than during last December. The feel I get reading your recent post is that you are a valued part of your boyfriend’s family and it makes you feel very good.
Congratulations for your first (but not last) successful dinner production for the whole family!
“The house is something easy to fix up that my dad has years of experience doing. My Bf doesn’t want my dad to have to work though while visiting“- are you going to do a lot of work leaning and fixing the house?
“I may have carbon monoxide while driving if I don’t seal the windows properly. I have a manifold leak“- will your van be safe to drive one you seal the windows properly… and what does it take to fix the manifold leak?
I am glad your father recovered from his accident… I bet you are excited about seeing him next month, and about having someone in your family meet your boyfriend and his family for the first time?!