Dear Rubina:

You shared the following OCD obsession themes:  (1) that you might hurt your daughter, touch her or kiss her the wrong way, doubting your every action as a mother, (2) that you might be a lesbian, (3) that you might cheat on your husband with another man, (4) that you are a bad Muslim (for not praying, for wearing jeans, for listening to music, etc.). You shared about the following OCD compulsions: “turning of the fan twice, using the rest room twice, praying to god twice“.

“Whatever I do there is always a voice in my head that always tells me I am a bad Muslim. I don’t know why,  I always feel I am not good enough“-

– this voice in your head is probably the combination of real voices of real people in your life when you were a child: voices of parents, teachers.. people in authority. These people told you that you were a bad girl when they thought you made mistakes. Fast forward, the voice of the “person” with most authority: God’s himself, tells you that you are a  Bad Muslim (parallel to Bad Girl).

“I don’t know to heal and accept myself the way I am instead of beating up myself for not doing things that a Muslim is supposed to do“- someone in authority (a parent, both parents, an aunt, uncle, older sibling, etc.) beat you up when you were a child as punishment for mistakes they believed you made, beating you up with a belt or with their hands or with their words.. or with a punishing silence. Fast forward, you beat yourself up for mistakes you believe that you are making, or might make at any moment, punishing yourself, doing to yourself what was done to you.

Like I shared with you yesterday, I suffered from OCD for many years and performed so many compulsions/ rituals that they took a big part of my days for years. Here is what helped me:

(1) One day, I was close to 30 years old, I said to myself: what will happen if I don’t perform the compulsion I was compelled to perform? I controlled myself and didn’t perform the compulsion and.. nothing bad happened.

At that time, or at another time, I asked myself: what happens when I think (a particular scary thought/ obsession), and I noticed that on the Outside, Nothing Changed. My obsessions happened only in between my ears and not outside of that distance. It made me think of my obsessions not as a real danger, but as mental events that happen in the short distance in between my ears. Not beyond that distance.

I stood by a mirror and said out loud: “I am an elephant”. I then waited and looked at my reflection: I did not turn into an elephant. I then said out loud other thoughts and watched.. nothing happened. My thoughts in themselves were and are powerless. Understanding this caused me to not fear my thoughts/ obsessions. I still feared bad things happening, it’s just that I understood that my thoughts/ obsessions cannot make bad things happen.

I have more to share but would like to read your response to what I wrote so far before I continue. If you choose to respond, please take your time, no need to rush a response.

anita

Dear Rubina:

You are welcome. Regarding OCD: at one point, I was so distressed with obsessive thinking that I saw a psychiatrist and he prescribed to me Zoloft– an antidepressant of the SSRI group which is often prescribed for OCD. I remember that after a short time of taking it, it felt like a pair of scissors cut off the string of thoughts and there was an emptiness, an ending of the thinking.. it was like I forgot what I was thinking .. and gone was the obsessing. I got off this medication almost 8 years ago, after my first quality psychotherapy of over 2 years.

I no longer suffer from OCD. Rarely I have the inclination to .. double check that the water faucet is turned off all the way, etc.,  but not much more than that. I still experience anxiety, but I am able to manage it through a daily routine. Routine calms me (doing the same activities every day at about the same time, including a long daily walk).

There is so much more that I can share with you about my struggle with anxiety and OCD, what worked for me, and what didn’t)=. We can keep communicating for as long as you want to and we can exchange information and ideas over time.

My mother had to deal with my grandmother who used to fight for every small thing. I used to get scared during weekends because it was a always chaos at home. My father is also short tempered person who used to blame/fight with my mother for every single thing.. elder brother.. would always hit us(me and my twin sister) or say nasty words since childhood“-

– this is the source of your anxiety/ where it started: the frequent (“for every small thing”) blaming, fighting, hitting, saying nasty words, and the resulting chaos in the home of your childhood. The frequent anger and aggression scared you, causing you anxiety.

Being poor and being judged by relatives for being poor didn’t help of course. Being judged increases anxiety, including  being judged by your religious family members for the way you dress and other practices. It seems that you getting married was a step up for you: a step up toward a better life: living with a nonjudgmental, kind husband, and moving with him to the U.S.

“The feeling not good enough is back again after my daughter was born“- it always happens that as adults, when we leave the homes and circumstances of our childhoods, we feel a great relief and a happy feeling of freedom for a while.. . but then, the negative feelings of childhood return. It happened to me too.

“I want god in my life but I don’t want to be driven by fear. My husband… always tells me to treat God like a friend“- see if you can join a mosque and/ or a group of Muslim women who practice this principle: viewing God not as a scary entity, but as a friendly, calming entity.

I hope that you can create more of a distance between you and your mother/ brother/ sister who still judge you and “always (make you) feel like a bad Muslim” (and in so doing fueling your OCD). Instead, get closer to your husband and, like I suggested, to a group of tolerant, friendly Muslim women.

As I said, we can communicate for a long time if you would like to, so no need to rush our communication.

anita

Dear Rubina:

“My mother used to always compare me with my cousin.. She once told me that you wont be able to achieve what your cousin did. Once i told my dad I was topper in the exams. He told me there might be poor students in the class thats the reason you became the topper. My father never respected me even my siblings. How do I heal with the childhood trauma and come out of trap of the perfectionism?”-

– you heal when you stop seeing your mother and father as gods, judging you negatively.. then you will be able to see God as one who does not judge you negatively (and if you keep seeing God as negatively judgmental, then abandon him altogether).

We see God the way we see our Parents. For a child, parents= gods. When the child grows up, if the home is healthy enough- the grown-up child can see that her parents are not gods. But when the home is unhealthy, the adult-child still does not really grow up and keeps seeing her parents as gods: judgmental gods. And she sees most everyone the same way: judgmental and punishing.

anita

Dear Rubina:

You are most welcome.

“I am just trying to heal myself from this trauma so that I don’t repeat the same with my kiddo“-

– this makes you a Good Person, a Good Mother..  and a Good Muslim, if I may say so!

Post again whenever you want to and I will be glad to read from you and reply.

anita

You are welcome, Rubina!

anita

Dear Rubina:

Good to read back from you! I am fine, thank you. It’s been very, very slow on tiny buddha and I need to adjust to this change. I hope you become more and more yourself (“and be myself” is in the title of your thread), and that you trust yourself more and more!

anita