May 26, 2022 at 8:32 am #401208
Its been only one day.I already felt anxious yesterday.My husband acts completely different when he is with his parents.He is more patient wheh he has to explain something to them.I already told him and we discussed that we will move to our new home on Friday and he is asking them what day would they suggest.I know its been 3 years since he met them.He becomes more formal and doesnt show his vulnerable side.When his parents are not there we make fun of each other and we are like friends.But when he is with his parents he changes completely.I spoke to him about this already before his parents arrived thats its hard for me to accept the way he changes after his parents come.I think last month i told you about a friend who was gossiping about me and i completely cut off with her.But my husband and i are still in touch with her husband like we rarely talk to him.Now he wants to take his parents to thier house.He is like let them what they want to be and i will still introduce my parents.He didnt ask me come and i dont want to go.In case if my husband takesxhis parents to their housd now i am worried that so called friend would start again gossiping about me saying that i was not there and i am rude.Especially indian husbands act completely different when they are with thier parents.I hear this from other indian wives.My husband still cares for me but its hard to accept the new him.Yesterday he went slept beside his parents leaving me and my daughter behind.I felt anxious at night and couldnt sleep.Sometimes i feel like may be i am overreacting but still i find it difficult to accept the new him.I really find it hard to set boundaries with them when he is on thier side.I wish god gives me strength to deal this for one month.May 26, 2022 at 9:36 am #401212
“My husband acts completely different when he is with his parents… He becomes more formal and doesn’t show his vulnerable side. When his parents are not there, we make fun of each other and we are like friends” – this means that his relationship with you is way, way better than his relationships with his parents. He feels safe with you, safe enough to expose his vulnerable side to you!
He doesn’t feel safe enough to expose his vulnerable side when he is around them. I assume that he feels hat they will disapprove of him if he acts spontaneously, having fun, etc.
“I spoke to him about this already before his parents arrived thats it’s hard for me to accept the way he changes after his parents come… it’s hard to accept the new him” – but it’s not his fault that his behavior changes when they visit: he feels unsafe and therefore guarded when they are present, and he can’t change that!
Please try to accept and feel empathy for the scared- guarded little boy inside the man you married.
“Yesterday he went slept beside his parents leaving me and my daughter behind. I felt anxious at night and couldnt sleep. Sometimes I feel like may be I am overreacting” – of course you are overreacting. But you can’t change your overreacting, at this point, can you? Not any more than your husband can cange feeling and acting guarded when his parents are present.
I assume that he went to sleep beside them to to appease or please them, thinkng it’s his duty.
“I think last month I told you about a friend who was gossiping about me… Now he wants to take his parents to their house… Now i am worried that so called friend would start again gossiping about me” – if this woman chooses to gossip about you to your parents-in-law while they visit her, it will indicate that she is a bad hostess for misusing this rare opportunity to visit with your parents-in-law. That is not what a good hostess should do!
If she gossips about you, it will indicate something negative about her, not about you!
anitaMay 26, 2022 at 10:12 am #401213
<p style=”text-align: left;”>yeah i know.I am trying to be patient with my husband and in laws.Also trying to accept that my husband is not perfect just like me.</p>May 26, 2022 at 10:29 am #401214
Don’t make your husband’s time more difficult than it already is: don’t add stress to him. You need him the least stress because he will be a better father, a better husband and a better provider if he is the least stress.
It is for your benefit and for the benefit of your daughter to minimize his stress, particularly in an area where he is not doing anything wrong: he is not abusing you or your daughter, he is not cheating on you with a romantic interest… he is just trying to be a good son, that is all.
anitaMay 30, 2022 at 7:32 am #401506
How are you, zenith?
anitaJune 2, 2022 at 11:44 am #401604
Hi Anita,Thanks for asking.I was doing fine till yesterday.Recently one of my husvands cousin got married and my mil was all praising his wife.That his wife is so into household chores and respects elders and does help her in laws with thier chores as well.She is liked by everyone.I dont know why i felt so bad.I felt like she was trying to compare me with her.She already told my husband about this on phone once when she was in India.I ignored it.She brought the same topic again few days back.I igored it.She told the same thing again yesterday.She tells me in a polite way.But it still hurts.Yes i am not a person who does household chores all the day.I am not that kind of person.I do cook breakfast,lunch and dinner for them everyday.We even stopped eating out after they came over here.I used to wake up @ 10 am everyday.Now i wake up at 7am.I dont wear shorts.I do my best Anita.But still she exepcts a woman to be submissive.I keep the food on table and she wants to serve the food on plate to my husband.Seriously he is not a kid.She expects me to be like her.I feel like we both are way too different.I dont like the way she expects a woman to be.Like listen to whatever your husbands/elder says,dont say no to anyone,always keep yourslef busy with household chores.I literally want to cry out.But i cant.I dont want to be somebody else.I want to be myself.But the way they judge me indirectly for being myself hurts.Few days back she was asking me like how will i manange household chores and when i start working.She also told me that a mother has huge impact on childs developement when compared to father.I respect others and try be friendly with people but i cant be submissive like her.Due to my anxiety i am even scared to confront her.My husband tells me to ignore it.He never says a word to them.I feel like she is so sexist.Its not her mistake she was born and brought up in such a way.Its okay to have her own opinions but its wrong to exepcet from me to be like her.No one likes me anita.My friends,sister,mil.Nobody likes me.June 2, 2022 at 11:46 am #401605
We bought a new house still i am not happy.I should be happy but i get affected by others peoples judgement.June 2, 2022 at 12:05 pm #401606
Sometimes i tell my husband that he should have married someone of her mothers choice instead of a educated and opinionated woman like me.I feel so guilty for not being able to make her happy.She helps me with household chores and my daughter.But sometimes my mils word hurt like hell.I cant take it when a womans worth is judged based on how much household work she does or how submissive she is to elders/husband.I dont want to brinng up my daughter like that.My husband started smoking/drinking durung his graduation years.He is used to go out with girls.I mean just for movies.His parents dont know about any of this stuff.Like i said before he doesnt show his vulnerable side to them.I dont want my daughter to be like that.I want her to be transparent with me.I want to accept her wholly her flaws.June 2, 2022 at 12:06 pm #401607
You are welcome, good to read from you again. I understand how you feel, I really do, but as I was reading your first recent post, I thought to myself: zenith’s mil is not bad… I felt affection for her, I really did: she would like to be liked and respected just like you would. She wants you to be like her as a show that you like her and respect her. I don’t see any abusive behavior on her part, not toward you and not toward your husband, do you?
“Nobody likes me” – I like you. But thing is, your mil’s behavior tells me not that she dislikes you, but that she wants to be liked. If she has overall been a good mother to your husband (and to her other children), if she is a good wife to her husband, if she is good to other people… give her what she wants during her visit, open up to her a bit, relax, try to like her, will you?
anitaJune 2, 2022 at 12:10 pm #401608
I just read your most recent post: you are catastrophizing! You can raise your daughter the way you and your husband see fit. Your life is not dominated by your mil- she is only visiting. Please try to relax and be nice to her. You say that she doesn’t like you. But isn’t it true that you don’t like her?
People tend to like the people who like them: open up to the idea of liking her and she is likely to like you back!
anitaJune 2, 2022 at 12:15 pm #401609
Its not like i dont like her.She is a good person but i dont like the way she thinks.She is not abusive at all.There is hell lot of difference between my opinions and her.I like to do things in my on way.Do you think its wrong?June 2, 2022 at 12:17 pm #401610
So you think i still can do things in my own way instead of like her.We are two different people.I cant do everything she tells me.Sometimes i do but i blindly cant do everything.I told my husband to take them to a place as they are getting bored at home.Me and my daughter was home.I didnt feel bad about that.June 2, 2022 at 12:37 pm #401611
“she is a good person but I don’t like the way she thinks” – it’s fair that you don’t like the way she thinks, but you don’t have to feel threatened by the fact that she thinks differently.
What is important is that she is a good person. There are women out there who think like you, zenith, and yet, they are bad people, abusive people: would you prefer one of them to be a guest in your home?
I think that it’s fine that you asked your husband to take your parents in-law somewhere entertaining, so that you can have alone time with your daughter- I think that it’s an excellent idea.
Overall, zenith, I want your suffering to lessen and lessen because it is not necessary! Your mil is a good woman, and so, form the intention to like her and to show her that you like her- because she is a good person. Key is: her different way of thinking is not a threat to you, her brain cannot escape her head and take your brain hostage, can it?
anitaJune 2, 2022 at 12:41 pm #401612
I dont know why i find it as threat.As i said before i feel guitly that i am not able to make her happy as she expects.I always try to be nice to her in my own ways.She is not satisfied.June 2, 2022 at 12:49 pm #401614
How does she express her dissatisfaction?