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How to accept my flaws and be myself

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Viewing 15 posts - 181 through 195 (of 234 total)
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  • #402531
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    “my mil treating my co sister better than me. I really feel bad” – I am so sorry, zenith, it sucks to be treated as LESS THAN someone else. I know the feeling because I was treated as less than others and I hate that feeling! I wish your mil treated you and your sister-in-law EQUALLY. When are your in-laws scheduled to leave?

    anita

    #402532
    zenith
    Participant

    My co sister is a working woman.I have always seen my mil praising her in front of me.She is always kind with her.I heard my mil saying to her mother that my husband,my brother in law and his wife are really working hard.I am a stay at home mom.I work hard too taking care of todller and cooking for them and cleaning everyday.But still it doesnt matter.Once she directly told me that my husband only should always take the decision as he is the sole bread winner of the family.

    #402533
    zenith
    Participant

    I am literally crying now Anita.I dont know why it really feels bad.I treat them nicely when compared to my co sister but this is what i get in the end.It sucks i have to bare them for three more weeks.I hate it.I am trying to accept them the way they are but on top of that my mils drama with my co sister  is really hurting me deep down.I hate my husbands family to the core now.

    #402534
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    I feel badly for you. I wish your mil and all of your husband’s family treated you with respect and appreciation, what a big difference that would have made for you. It makes me think how important it is that I treat people equally, and not show that I think highly of one person, and less of another person. Let’s say person X appears unfriendly and person Y appears very friendly. I shouldn’t treat X as a lesser being than Y because X may be unfriendly because he/she is hurting and NEEDS to be treated with equal respect. Not with less!

    I am guessing that you were (are?) crying in private.. you have your bedroom to go to when you need to be alone?

    anita

    #402535
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    I missed your post before last. I figure your mil likes your sister-in-law better than she likes you because she works outside the home bringing in money and you work inside the home, not outside, and she doesn’t like your expectation that your husband helps a bit with the housework (right?). Regardless of her likes and dislikes, she should treat you and your sis in law with EQUAL respect. Like I said, if I like person Y more than I like person X, I should still treat them with equal respect!

    I will be away and back to the computer in 2-3 hours.

    anita

    #402536
    zenith
    Participant

    Yeah i will teach my daughter the same.Treat everyone equally irrespective of gender,whether they rich or poor,elder or younger.Treat everyone with equal respect.Yes i am crying in my bedroom and toddler sleeping next to me.Now i have to cook and clean for three families everyday with little help from mil.I once told my husband that her mother treats me differently.He complained to me saying that i am the one who doesnt talk.I am a very friendly person i stopped talking to her because i dont like the way she talks to me.After coming to US i was talking to her in a friendly way and i told her that i am looking for a job now.She told me that how i am gonna manage household and my daughter after starting the job.She didnt even think about her son helping me because its solely a womans responbility to take care of the house even if a woman is working or not.I hate such sexist talks.I already once told you that she started comparing me with someothers dil.I hate these conversations.Thats the reason why i talk to her very minimally.I even asked my co sister if mil ever talks to her like that.She said no.As i said with my co sister she talks to her in a very friendly way and she is the one who initiates conversation with my co sister.I  hate this part.I cant even run away from this shit.Tomorrow is my birthday and its gonna be a just another sad day.My husband comes with a baggage and its really hard to accept them.It frightening to think how i am gonna manage when we go move to india in future.

    #402537
    zenith
    Participant

    I am  a friendly person when compared to my co sister.My fil once told me the same thing that my co sister is bit reserved than me but still she gets treated better than me.

    #402543
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    I returned home later than I thought. I will reply to you in the morning (in about 9 hours from now). I hope you have a restful night!

    anita

    #402550
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    H A P P Y   B I R T D A Y,    Z E N I T H !!!

    I learned long ago that what we experience in childhood, we tend to re-experience as adults. I see it all the time in these forums and in real-life. On Sept 11, 2021, you wrote this about your childhood experience: “My mother used to always compare me with my cousin even if I was good at studies. She once told me: you won’t be able to achieve what your cousin did“.

    Fast forward, as an adult, your mother-in-law is in your home for a long visit and you feel (yesterday) that she compares you to your co-sister (your sister-in-law): “my mil behaves very differently with my co sister.. she smiles and talks to her sweetly. She talks to me very rarely, even if she does, she will keep complaining.. She talks to my co sister very nicely and never complains to her. I hate it to see my mil treating with utmost respect and doesn’t even treat me like that.. my mil treating my co sister better than me“-

    – It is like your mother became your mil, and your cousin became your co-sister. In other words, I believe that you are (inaccurately) projecting your mother into your mil, and your cousin- into your co-sister.

    This is my understanding this morning, following reading your two recent posts from yesterday:

    1) I understand that it is tough for you to have two families visiting your home for so long, it would be difficult for many people, feeling like guests are invading their private, safe space… and for so long.

    2) I think that the way your mil treats you has a lot to do with your attitudes: 2a: you minimize talking to her (“I talk to her very minimally“), so it’s not surprising that she talks less to you than she talks to your co-sister,

    2b: you sometimes hate your mil (“I hate my husbands family to the core now“), your hate shows when you talk to her minimally and it probably shows on your face..  so it is not surprising that she doesn’t like you back (if it’s true that she doesn’t like you back).

    3) Because you are so sensitive to being unfavorably compared to another person, you tend to magnify any potential evidence to support your belief (that you are unfavorably compared). For example, you wrote: “I have always seen my mil praising her in front of me” – your mil praising your co-sister does not necessarily mean that she is favoring her over you. You hear her praise your co-sister, and you think that it means that she is sending you a message that she thinks less of you and you feel very hurt, but your thought can be wrong. Also, it is possible that your mil praised you at times, but because it went against your belief (that you are unfavorably compared), you dismissed such praise as insincere or not important.

    4) “She didn’t even think about her son helping me because its solely a womans responsibility to take care of the house even if a woman is working or not. I hate such sexist talks” – you are taking your mil’s views about gender roles as if they were meant against you personally, so to hurt your feelings. Just as your more liberal views are not meant to hurt your mil, her conservative views are not meant to hurt you (her views existed way before she knew that you existed!)

    In other words, you take too many things personally, as if your mil means to hurt your feelings when it may not at all be the case. And your hurt feelings are about… your mother unfavorably comparing you to your cousin when you were growing up!

    * I think that you probably don’t like reading this post, but I believe that what I am typing here is quite true, and I hope that you consider what I wrote here seriously, and that the rest of the visit will be better for you because of this. Think of it as me offering you a piece of cake for your birthday, it has a bit of a bitter taste on the surface… but there is delicious, sweet chocolate under the surface. Happy Birthday!

    anita

     

    #402560
    zenith
    Participant

    Thanks for your wishes Anita.I have seen this happening to my mother.My grandmother treated her dils respectfully except my mother that was because my parents werent that rich.In india it happens people treat you well if you are rich or working or based on the gender.I know my mil is a good person but still i feel she treats me differently.During our intially years of marriage i spoke to my mil normally then she started judging me thats when i stopped.As told you already she tells me to be submissive like her which i dont like.I even told my co sister about it.My co sister  never had such exeperience with my mil.I never heard my mil praising me not infront of me atleast.May be i should stop taking things personally.Let her be the way she wants to.I have to come to the terms that the way she treats doesnt define me it defines her.She is not that judgemental towards my co sister may be thats the reason why my co sister doesnt hesitate to talk to my mil.

    #402575
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    You are welcome. “May be I should stop taking things personally… I have to come to the terms that the way she treats doesn’t define me,  it defines her” – yes, her behavior defines her, and your behavior defines you. Repeat this to yourself whenever you get upset.

    Maybe you should re-read my post to you from this morning… maybe something new will click for you from what I wrote. Also, when you get upset it may help you to say the Serenity Prayer: “(god) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can. and the wisdom to know the difference”.

    anita

    anita

    #402593
    zenith
    Participant

    Hi Anita.I am just sharing an incident that happened today.We came to our friends party.My friend invited my mil and cosister as well.My friend served them some snacks.The water bottle was just few feet away from them.My mil was asking me to get water for her.She tells me to serve food for her on the plate.She doesnt tell my co sister  all these things as she is elder to me.My co sister is not a kid right she can help herself.I dont know why these little things seem hurtful to me.

    #402594
    zenith
    Participant

    How should i react in this situation.I dont want to treat elders as kids.She tells nobody in the house to serve me food but i am supposed to serve food and water and treat them with respect.

    #402595
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    Is it possible that because your mil and your co-sister are all living in YOUR home during their visit (including during the short visit to your friend’s home), and therefore they are your GUESTS, and because the two of them are guests of yours who are older than you, then according to custom, the hostess (you) serve the guests at the dining table?

    And if so, this is custom, nothing for you to take personally?

    anita

    #402596
    zenith
    Participant

    Yeah i know its the custom which my parents follow.I dont want to do it.I feel like there is nothing wrong in helping themselves.When i go to my co sisters house she doesnt serve me food at the dining table.There were days when i used to cook for myself when i was at my co sisters house and i dont expect my co sister to do all those things.My mil doesnt tell her to do all those things to me.Its only for guests i am supposed serve food on the plate for my husband as well.I dont know why i feel like i am different from her.My way of respecting people is different from her.Even when i was a kid my mum used to cook everyday.Inspite of cooking for him he used to expect my mum to serve food the plate and give it to him.I used to tell my dad to help himself.I dont know why since childhood i always felt there is nothing in helping yourselves.I have seen some of my indian friends who dont follow such custom.I feel there is nothing wrong in it.

Viewing 15 posts - 181 through 195 (of 234 total)

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