Dear zenith:

“my mil treating my co sister better than me. I really feel bad” – I am so sorry, zenith, it sucks to be treated as LESS THAN someone else. I know the feeling because I was treated as less than others and I hate that feeling! I wish your mil treated you and your sister-in-law EQUALLY. When are your in-laws scheduled to leave?

anita

Dear zenith:

I missed your post before last. I figure your mil likes your sister-in-law better than she likes you because she works outside the home bringing in money and you work inside the home, not outside, and she doesn’t like your expectation that your husband helps a bit with the housework (right?). Regardless of her likes and dislikes, she should treat you and your sis in law with EQUAL respect. Like I said, if I like person Y more than I like person X, I should still treat them with equal respect!

I will be away and back to the computer in 2-3 hours.

anita

Dear zenith:

H A P P Y   B I R T D A Y,    Z E N I T H !!!

I learned long ago that what we experience in childhood, we tend to re-experience as adults. I see it all the time in these forums and in real-life. On Sept 11, 2021, you wrote this about your childhood experience: “My mother used to always compare me with my cousin even if I was good at studies. She once told me: you won’t be able to achieve what your cousin did“.

Fast forward, as an adult, your mother-in-law is in your home for a long visit and you feel (yesterday) that she compares you to your co-sister (your sister-in-law): “my mil behaves very differently with my co sister.. she smiles and talks to her sweetly. She talks to me very rarely, even if she does, she will keep complaining.. She talks to my co sister very nicely and never complains to her. I hate it to see my mil treating with utmost respect and doesn’t even treat me like that.. my mil treating my co sister better than me“-

– It is like your mother became your mil, and your cousin became your co-sister. In other words, I believe that you are (inaccurately) projecting your mother into your mil, and your cousin- into your co-sister.

This is my understanding this morning, following reading your two recent posts from yesterday:

1) I understand that it is tough for you to have two families visiting your home for so long, it would be difficult for many people, feeling like guests are invading their private, safe space… and for so long.

2) I think that the way your mil treats you has a lot to do with your attitudes: 2a: you minimize talking to her (“I talk to her very minimally“), so it’s not surprising that she talks less to you than she talks to your co-sister,

2b: you sometimes hate your mil (“I hate my husbands family to the core now“), your hate shows when you talk to her minimally and it probably shows on your face..  so it is not surprising that she doesn’t like you back (if it’s true that she doesn’t like you back).

3) Because you are so sensitive to being unfavorably compared to another person, you tend to magnify any potential evidence to support your belief (that you are unfavorably compared). For example, you wrote: “I have always seen my mil praising her in front of me” – your mil praising your co-sister does not necessarily mean that she is favoring her over you. You hear her praise your co-sister, and you think that it means that she is sending you a message that she thinks less of you and you feel very hurt, but your thought can be wrong. Also, it is possible that your mil praised you at times, but because it went against your belief (that you are unfavorably compared), you dismissed such praise as insincere or not important.

4) “She didn’t even think about her son helping me because its solely a womans responsibility to take care of the house even if a woman is working or not. I hate such sexist talks” – you are taking your mil’s views about gender roles as if they were meant against you personally, so to hurt your feelings. Just as your more liberal views are not meant to hurt your mil, her conservative views are not meant to hurt you (her views existed way before she knew that you existed!)

In other words, you take too many things personally, as if your mil means to hurt your feelings when it may not at all be the case. And your hurt feelings are about… your mother unfavorably comparing you to your cousin when you were growing up!

* I think that you probably don’t like reading this post, but I believe that what I am typing here is quite true, and I hope that you consider what I wrote here seriously, and that the rest of the visit will be better for you because of this. Think of it as me offering you a piece of cake for your birthday, it has a bit of a bitter taste on the surface… but there is delicious, sweet chocolate under the surface. Happy Birthday!

anita

Dear zenith:

You are welcome. “May be I should stop taking things personally… I have to come to the terms that the way she treats doesn’t define me,  it defines her” – yes, her behavior defines her, and your behavior defines you. Repeat this to yourself whenever you get upset.

Maybe you should re-read my post to you from this morning… maybe something new will click for you from what I wrote. Also, when you get upset it may help you to say the Serenity Prayer: “(god) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can. and the wisdom to know the difference”.

anita

anita