Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→How to accept my flaws and be myself
- This topic has 372 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Tee.
June 18, 2022 at 10:02 pm #402600AnonymousGuest
I understand that you don’t like your mil’s ways and that you wish she wasn’t in your home. If you were a single woman living independently and alone- you’d be able to choose who comes into your home and who does not. But you are married and your husband has the right to have his parents visit him (for as long as they are not abusive to you or to your child, and you didn’t indicate any abuse), so you have to tolerate her traditional ways. Please try to be a gracious hostess for the remainder of the visit, and show your mil (and your co-sister and your husband) kindness and a generous spirt. Your husband will greatly appreciate it and by the end of the visit- you will feel good about yourself for having been gracious!
anitaJune 18, 2022 at 11:55 pm #402604
I am being gracious.Its just that i am venting out here.June 19, 2022 at 9:40 am #402611AnonymousGuest
“I am being gracious” – but you said that your husband told you that you hardly talk to your mil, and you said it’s true. Plus, I can’t imagine that your attitude (hating his family to the core, your words) does not show in your face, your voice, your actions. And hate… is not gracious!
Regardless, you are welcome to vent here at any time. Next time you vent- I will not give you any more suggestions and advice than I already gave you, and instead: I’ll just listen (read, more accurately) and let you know that I am reading as empathetically as I can.
anitaJune 19, 2022 at 10:31 am #402629
I dont show it on my face Anita.I speak with her only when required its not like i ignore her all the time.June 19, 2022 at 10:37 am #402631AnonymousGuest
“it’s not like I ignore her all the time” – how/ in what ways do you ignore her some of the time?
anitaJuly 29, 2022 at 11:15 am #404715
Hi Anita.How are you ? I did talk less with her intially.But i opened up later and spoke with her.She was good to me and i was good to her.I told her my childhood struggles and we spoke about many other things.It felt good.I missed my in laws badly when they left.My mil always helped with my daughter, household chores and so many other things.We had up and downs but still i miss them dearly.Sometimes i feel like i am nobodys first priority.Is it ok to feel that way ? My husbands first priority is his mother.My mils first priority is my co sister.My friends first priority is some other friend.I dont know why i always feel ignored and feel bad that i am nobodys first priority.How do i stop depending on others emotionally or let them effect me emotionally.Its really hard.How do i stop craving for that affection ?July 29, 2022 at 11:19 am #404716
My husband himself admitted that his parents are his first priority and he cant say no them.My husband was saying that we have to move to India eventually to take care of his parents in thier old age.I agree with that part but my husband will change eventually he will not take my advice anymore.He will always listen to his parents like i said before his parents will be his number one priority.How do i accept that fact?July 29, 2022 at 11:21 am #404719
He is altogether a different person in front of them.Sometimes i feel like i dont want to be dependent emotionally and financially on him.July 29, 2022 at 12:47 pm #404722AnonymousGuest
I am fine, thank you for asking, waiting for the weather to cool off. Good to read back from you, zenith!
“She was good to me and I was good to her… My mil always helped with my daughter, household chores and so many other things. We had up and downs but still I miss them dearly“- so some time after your mil left, you stopped being angry at her and started seeing her in a positive light, even missing her.
“Sometimes I feel like I am nobody’s first priority. Is it ok to feel that way? My husband’s first priority is his mother. My mil’s first priority is my co sister. My friend’s first priority is some other friend. I don’t know why I always feel ignored and feel bad that I am nobody’s first priority“- I think that we talked about it: it’s a feeling you had since you were a child because as a child, you weren’t anyone’s priority and it hurt a LOT. Fast forward, as an adult, you are overly sensitive to any sign that you are not a person’s first priority, magnifying such signs and feeling terribly hurt and angry about it.
And then, there is an added complication: this over-sensitivity and expressed hurt and anger results in people really turning away from you and toward people who are not overly sensitive, people who are not quick to get hurt and angry.
“My husband himself admitted that his parents are his first priority and he can’t say no them. My husband was saying that we have to move to India eventually to take care of his parents in their old age… He will always listen to his parents…How do I accept that fact?.. He is altogether a different person in front of them. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be dependent emotionally and financially on him” – we talked about separation and divorce before (as a way to lessen your distress), but you were very clear that you were not interested in that. Therefore, I see no other solution but this:
* Stop seeing yourself as separate from everyone else: zenith vs husband, zenith vs co-sister, zenith vs friend, zenith vs mother-in-law, etc. In regard to zenith vs mil, If you and your mil are on the same team, then the team will be your husband first priority.
“How do I stop craving for that affection?” you mean, how to stop wanting to be the winner in the ongoing zenith vs. (fill the blank) competition?
anitaJuly 29, 2022 at 2:38 pm #404728
Since childhood i had friends who would be very close to me for few months and then would stop talking/ignoring me when they find a new friend.I used to always feel that may be i am not good or interesting when compared to others.Thats when i stopped talking to people and i have very less friends when compared to my husband.Then i got married and started making new friends.The same thing happens again.I make new friends they start ignoring when they find new ones.I used to never take it to my heart.I got close with some other friend.Now she is doing the same thing.She is ignoring me.Not even texting me or calling me.But when she needs help she calls me.I hate that part.She uses me when needs me.She is talking to some other friend everyday.I want to let it go but it hurts.I dont want to expect anything from friends and outsiders.But when it comes to my husband.The same thing repeats.Is it wrong to expect from my husband atleast? Like to be his first priority.My mil and I have different views.But we get along well.Its just mu husband cant say no to them.He expects my daughter to be perfect in front them.He cant take it when my daughter says no to them.In india we were thought to respect elders and i do agree with that.I tell her all the time.But as a kid i cant expect her to be perfect all the time.During vacation its fine but i cant imagine staying with them life long.Sometimes i tell my husband i dont feel like moving back to india because of his changing behavior.July 29, 2022 at 2:48 pm #404730AnonymousGuest
You still have that option: to separate and divorce your husband, and to never go back to India. Then maybe someday, meet a man with different values, different culture. You should go one way (stay with your husband and accept a few things) or the other way (divorce him). Staying with him and complaining about the same things again… and again, and again.. what’s the use of that?
anitaJuly 29, 2022 at 4:54 pm #404734AnonymousGuest
You wrote in your last post: “I make new friends they start ignoring when they find new ones…I got close with some other friend. Now she is doing the same thing. She is ignoring me” – it is possible that one reason why friends ignore you after a short time of friendship is what I encountered with you today: you submitted a post to me, I read it attentively and replied, suggesting ideas that I hoped would help move you toward solutions to your problems. When I read your next post (the 2nd post of the day), I realized that you did not respond to any of my ideas. It was as if you didn’t read my reply at all, not a single word, and all you did was to repeat the same complaints that you complained about in the 1st post of the day and in many posts in the past.
Maybe this is what happens with acquaintances and friends as well, maybe even your husband: you tell them about your problems, they listen, try to help you, but you don’t listen and ignore all of their suggestions, and instead, you keep complaining. They get frustrated, figure you don’t listen at all to what they say, so what’s the point in talking to you…
Some people have such a low self-esteem and fear of being wrong (no matter the topic), that they won’t listen to any attempt by others to help by offering constructive criticism (which is what I am doing in this post). I hope that this is not the case with you, and that you consider what I am saying here, in this post. In my life currently, I feel good enough about myself to be open to constructive criticism. I hope that you are too.
anitaJuly 29, 2022 at 7:42 pm #404735
You are right Anita.May be i was in a different zone today.I totally ignore your post.I didnt read your post fully.I am sorry about that.Yeah when it comes to my marriage.As my in laws left we are back to normal now.Because of my anxiety i think too much about my future and panic a lot.Thats why i keep ranting about it.Instead of being in present i worry about future alot.I dont complain to my friends at all.I dont tell all these things to them.Even i stopped sharing all these things with my husband.I share it with you beacause i feel better after ranting here.I will think about divorce part when we move back to India.I will see if i will be handle our relationship when we stay with my in laws.I never complained my husband to you in any one of the previous posts except when my in laws were arriving or arrived.Me and my husband have a good relationship.Its just when the third person enters into our relationship everything changes.I dont rant about all these in front of my friends.They keep complaining about their in laws and family.May be its just every indian woman goes through this stuff i guess.I am a very introverted person when it comes to group of people.Anyways enough of the rant.What should i do when my friends ignore me ? How should i stop feeling bad when they find new ones and stop talking to me.July 29, 2022 at 7:44 pm #404736
So you think i didnt get enough attention from my mom.So thats the reason i feel bad when someone ignores me.July 29, 2022 at 7:51 pm #404737
May be thats true i guess.She had her own issues to deal with.What do i do to heal.that part ? I dont want to feel bad or crave for some others attention.I want to accept the people the way they are instead of being a competitor.I dont want to be like zenith vs other friend ?