Dear zenith:

I understand that you don’t like your mil’s ways and that you wish she wasn’t in your home. If you were a single woman living independently and alone- you’d be able to choose who comes into your home and who does not. But you are married and your husband has the right to have his parents visit him (for as long as they are not abusive to you or to your child, and you didn’t indicate any abuse), so you have to tolerate her traditional ways. Please try to be a gracious hostess for the remainder of the visit, and show your mil (and your co-sister and your husband) kindness and a generous spirt. Your husband will greatly appreciate it and by the end of the visit- you will feel good about yourself for having been gracious!

anita

Dear zenith:

“I am being gracious” – but you said that your husband told you that you hardly talk to your mil, and you said it’s true. Plus, I can’t imagine that your attitude (hating his family to the core, your words) does not show in your face, your voice, your actions. And hate… is not gracious!

Regardless, you are welcome to vent here at any time. Next time you vent- I will not give you any more suggestions and advice than I already gave you, and instead: I’ll just listen (read, more accurately) and let you know that I am reading as empathetically as I can.

anita

Dear zenith:

“it’s not like I ignore her all the time” – how/ in what ways do you ignore her some of the time?

anita

Dear zenith:

I am fine, thank you for asking, waiting for the weather to cool off. Good to read back from you, zenith!

“She was good to me and I was good to her… My mil always helped with my daughter, household chores and so many other things. We had up and downs but still I miss them dearly“- so some time after your mil left, you stopped being angry at her and started seeing her in a positive light, even missing her.

“Sometimes I feel like I am nobody’s first priority. Is it ok to feel that way? My husband’s first priority is his mother. My mil’s first priority is my co sister. My friend’s first priority is some other friend. I don’t know why I always feel ignored and feel bad that I am nobody’s first priority“- I think that we talked about it: it’s a feeling you had since you were a child because as a child, you weren’t anyone’s priority and it hurt a LOT. Fast forward, as an adult, you are overly sensitive to any sign that you are not a person’s first priority, magnifying such signs and feeling terribly hurt and angry about it.

And then, there is an added complication: this over-sensitivity and expressed hurt and anger results in people really turning away from you and toward people who are not overly sensitive, people who are not quick to get hurt and angry.

“My husband himself admitted that his parents are his first priority and he can’t say no them. My husband was saying that we have to move to India eventually to take care of his parents in their old age… He will always listen to his parents…How do I accept that fact?.. He is altogether a different person in front of them. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be dependent emotionally and financially on him” –  we talked about separation and divorce before (as a way to lessen your distress), but  you were very clear that you were not interested in that. Therefore, I see no other solution but this:

* Stop seeing yourself as separate from everyone else: zenith vs husband, zenith vs co-sister,  zenith vs friend, zenith vs mother-in-law, etc. In regard to zenith vs mil, If you and your mil are on the same team, then the team will be your husband first priority.

“How do I stop craving for that affection?” you mean, how to stop wanting to be the winner in the ongoing zenith vs. (fill the blank) competition?

anita

Dear Zenith:

You still have that option: to separate and divorce your husband, and to never go back to India. Then maybe someday, meet a man with different values, different culture. You should go one way (stay with your husband and accept a few things) or the other way (divorce him). Staying with him and complaining about the same things again… and again, and again.. what’s the use of that?

anita