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How to accept my flaws and be myself

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  • #404738
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    So you think I didn’t get enough attention from my mom. So that’s the reason I feel bad when someone ignores me” – no one likes to be ignored, but I have no doubt that you are so sensitive about being ignored, and about  NOT being a first priority because you were ignored as a child, and you were no one’s first priority- that pain was intense then and it gets triggered repeatedly in the present. (I carried a similar pain from my own childhood for many years).

    Maybe it’s just every Indian woman goes through this stuff“- maybe, but you are too sensitive, too anxious about it all, so you suffer more than most!

    What should I do when my friends ignore me ? How should I stop feeling bad when they find new ones and stop talking to me“- maybe it will help if you rant, not about current topics and people in your current life, but about what happened when your hurt originated, way back when you were a child. Because it is that old pain that still makes you suffer now. I really want you to no longer suffer unnecessarily. If you release that early pain, current events will hurt way less.

    I like you, zenith and I really want you to be okay.

    anita

     

     

    #404739
    zenith
    Participant

    As i said before as my friend is ignoring me.Should i still talk with her even if she ignores me ? How do i release that pain ?

    #404740
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    If she ignores you, ignore her in return. about the pain:  I’ll be  back to the computer in about 10 hours and reply further.

    anita

    #404741
    zenith
    Participant

    okay.You have a good night.

    #404742
    anita
    Participant

    good night, zenith.

    anita

    #404760
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    “<b>Instead of being in present I worry about future a lot</b>” – when we worry about the future, most often what we worry about is the past. We worry that the past will repeat itself in the future. For example, when you worry that in the future your husband will prioritize you less than he does now, the worry is based on your past/ childhood experience of not being prioritized. (You are afraid that in the future you will feel more of what you felt in the past).

    Me and my husband have a good relationship. It’s just when the third person enters into our relationship everything changes“- because when a 3rd person enters the picture, there is competition and you feel anxiety and anger about the 3rd person being prioritized over you.

    By the way, Indian boys, particularly the older boy in the family, as I understand it, are raised to prioritize their parents over anyone and everyone and take care of them in their older years,  so it is no surprise to me (and it shouldn’t be a surprise to you) that your husband too prioritizes his parents.

    How should I stop feeling bad when (friends) find new ones and stop talking to me… What do I do to heal that part? I don’t want to feel bad or crave for some others attention. I want to accept the people the way they are instead of being a competitor. I don’t want to be like zenith vs other friend ?… How do i release that pain?”-

    – As you read my answer, please do not rush through it. Read it slowly and try to take in the words one by one, let them settle before you read the next. If you read quickly and impatiently, none of my answer will be of any help to you:

    How should I stop feeling bad“?- you know how when you drive a car and you see a STOP sign, you push on the brakes and the car stops? You can’t do that when it comes to your emotions. If you push on the brakes of your emotions, your emotions don’t stop: they escalate instead.

    Look at the word emotion this way: emotion= e-motion, that is, energy in motion. It is in the nature of emotions to be in motion. No emotion stays still, or motionless for long. When you try to keep a good emotion (ex., to keep joy going and going), the quicker you stop feeling the good emotion. When you try to get rid of a bad emotion (ex. anger), the longer the anger will stay.

    Emotions are not solid. They are like air in your hands: you can’t keep air in your hands, and you can’t throw air away and get rid of it. So, relax your hands because your hands can’t control the flow of the air. Relax the rest of your body: your diaphragm, your shoulders, your feet… relax.

    “I don’t want to feel bad or crave for some others attention“- relax into craving others’ attention, become okay with craving attention. Don’t try to get rid of this craving and it will naturally move along, because motion is its nature.

    Think of the little-girl-zenith who naturally craved attention, imagine her little face craving attention and smile at her, send her your love. Make craving attention okay in your own mind.

    I don’t want to be like zenith vs other friend?“- if you make friends with little-girl-zenith, next thing you know, you will feel friendly to other people, you will feel like zenith & other friend

    <b>”How do I release that pain</b>?”- don’t run away from your pain and don’t try to get rid of it. If you run away from it, it will catch you every time. If you try to get rid of it, it will get stickier and stick to you tighter. Look at it, look at the pain, make eye contact with it (don’t look away, don’t deny it), and… relax.

    anita

    #404761
    anita
    Participant

    I want to edit the above, here is the edited version:

    Dear zenith:

    Instead of being in present I worry about future a lot” – when we worry about the future, most often what we worry about is the past. We worry that the past will repeat itself in the future. For example, when you worry that in the future your husband will prioritize you less than he does now, you are afraid that in the future you will feel more of what you felt in the past.

    Me and my husband have a good relationship. It’s just when the third person enters into our relationship everything changes“- because when a 3rd person enters the picture, you feel that there is competition over your husband’s attention, and you feel anxiety and anger about the 3rd person being prioritized over you.

    By the way, Indian boys, particularly the older boy in the family, as I understand it, are raised to prioritize their parents over anyone and everyone and take care of them in their older years,  so it is no surprise to me (and it shouldn’t be a surprise to you) that your husband too prioritizes his parents.

    How should I stop feeling bad when (friends) find new ones and stop talking to me… What do I do to heal that part? I don’t want to feel bad or crave for some others attention. I want to accept the people the way they are instead of being a competitor. I don’t want to be like zenith vs other friend ?… How do i release that pain?”-

    – As you read my answer, please do not rush through it. Read it slowly and try to take in the words one by one, let them settle before you read the next. If you read quickly and impatiently, none of my answer will be of any help to you:

    How should I stop feeling bad“?- you know how when you drive a car and you see a STOP sign, you push on the brakes and the car stops? You can’t do that when it comes to your emotions. If you push on the brakes of your emotions, your emotions don’t stop: they escalate instead.

    Look at the word emotion this way: emotion= e-motion, that is, energy in motion. It is in the nature of emotions to be in motion. No emotion stays still, or motionless for long. When you try to keep a pleasant, desirable emotion (ex., to keep joy going and going), the quicker you stop feeling the desired emotion. When you try to get rid of an unpleasant, undesirable emotion (ex. anger), the longer the unpleasant emotion will stay.

    Emotions are not solid. They are like air in your hands: you can’t keep air in your hands, and you can’t throw air away and get rid of it. So, relax your hands because your hands can’t control the flow of the air. Relax the rest of your body: your diaphragm, your shoulders, your feet… relax.

    “I don’t want to feel bad or crave for some others’ attention“- relax into craving others’ attention, become okay with craving attention. Don’t try to get rid of this craving-  and it will naturally move along, because motion is its nature.

    Think of the little-girl-zenith who naturally craved attention, imagine her little face craving attention and smile at her, send her your love. Make craving attention okay, in your own mind.

    I don’t want to be like zenith vs other friend?“- if you make friends with little-girl-zenith, next thing you know: you will feel more friendly with other people, you will feel like zenith & other friend

    How do I release that pain”- don’t run away from your pain and don’t try to get rid of it. If you run away from it, it will catch you every time. If you try to get rid of it, it will get stickier and stick to you tighter. Look at the pain, make eye contact with it (don’t look away, don’t deny it), and… relax.

    anita

    #404765
    zenith
    Participant

    Thanks for advice Anita.I know indian men are thought to never leave thier parents and indian women should leave their house and husband should be their first priority after marriage.I find it hard to accept this fact.I am trying to accept the emotions the way they are.I am trying to tell myself its okay if the friend ignores you and at the same time i feel like i should stop getting closer to people because i cant take the hurt when they ignore me.Since childhood so many of my friends ignored me since than i built walls around myself beacuse i cant take the pain but when i broke the walls let people in its really painful.The problem when i accept the emotion is the thoughts become obsessive and its hard for me to focus on things i am doing. So the pain will lessen if i stop talking to people or should i keep getting closer to people and face the hurt?

    #404766
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    You are welcome.  “I know Indian men are thought to never leave their parents… I find it hard to accept this fact“- I am not suggesting that you should agree with this cultural teaching. What I am suggesting is that you shouldn’t be surprised by it. It is reality no matter how little sense it makes, and how much it hurts people. And because there is nothing you, as an individual,  can do to change a Culture. You have to work around it, not against it.

    I am trying to accept the emotions the way they are. I am trying to tell myself it’s okay if the friend ignores you“- but it is NOT okay that a friend ignores you. It is only last evening that I texted a friendly acquaintance. She responded immediately, and excited, I texted again. She did not respond to my 2nd text. I felt a bit hurt because I really like her and I wish she cared more about me, but what can I do? I can’t change reality. I figure maybe she got distracted, maybe she was busy with something/ someone else, and I guess I am not as important to her as that something or someone else.

    I did not text her a 3rd time, not yesterday and not today because I am responding to reality. not to wishful thinking.

    The problem when I accept the emotion is the thoughts become obsessive and it’s hard for me to focus on things I am doing“- we are not be thinking about the same thing in regard to accepting the emotion. When I accept my Emotions and Reality, I don’t obsess. For example, I don’t obsess about the friendly acquaintance who didn’t text me back last evening. I feel sad about it, but her not texting me back doesn’t mean that something bad happened to me, not practically.

    So the pain will lessen if I stop talking to people or should I keep getting closer to people and face the hurt?“- I wouldn’t try to get closer to people who ignore you, just as I didn’t text a 3rd time to the woman who did not answer my 2nd text. I try to be satisfied with what I do get socially, the little good things that come my way.

    anita

    #404769
    zenith
    Participant

    Okay.I got you.Initially when she ignored me  i didnt take it personally.I thought she might be busy with something else or may be i am not  that important to her when compared to someone else and i let go.I followed the same approach.But still she is the one who keeps calling me in times of need.That triggers me alot.Otherwise i dont give a damn about her.We both have a mutual friend lets say A.Intially she was closer to A.When A went to India she got closer to me.She used to call me everyday.When A came back from vacation she ignored me altogether.Even when we met she keeps talking to A and ignoring me.I thought its her life and let her be closer to A.Then i ignored her as well.She always stays in touch with A and  approaches A for help.When A doesnt help her she then approaches me.Thats what i hate about her.She doesnt stay in touch with me  normally but when A doesnt help her she approaches me immediately.I still went ahead helped her few times .Then she forgets me again.Then she comes back to me in times of need.Recently same thing happened.She was having issues with her in laws and she called A.A couldnt help her.She wasnt even in touch with me but she immediately called me for help.But still i texted her for few days asking about her well being.Then i called her she didnt respond.Then next day A told me that she called her to meet us at As home.she didnt bother to respond to my call but she has the time to call A.I hate the fact she uses me in times of need.I dont know if i am overreacting.I dont want to talk to people who talk to me in times of need.Should i still go and meet her at As home even if she didnt call me? I dont have a problem if she is closer to A i just hate the fact she calls me only when A cant help her and stays in touch with A very often.

    #404770
    zenith
    Participant

    Sorry to bother you Anita by asking repeatedly.Its just i feel guilty because i told A that i dont want to meet people who only talk to me in times of need.A is still a good friend of mine and i dont blame her at all for my friends actions.

    #404772
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    About the not-really-a-friend that you are talking about, the one who calls you if A is not available: she sounds like an opportunistic person, not a person who stands for ethical  principles. I would go for a visit at A’s home, if I was you, but no longer consider or treat the woman as more than a friendly acquaintance in any circumstance.

    anita

    #404774
    zenith
    Participant

    Okay.Thanks for clarifying.I wont respond to her when she calls me next time.Thanks for your valuable advice.You have a good night.

    #404776
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    You are welcome. There is no reason to be friends with a person who doesn’t value friends and friendship. Have a good night yourself and you are welcome to post again anytime; whenever something bothers you, post about it here and I’ll reply.

    anita

    #405065
    zenith
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    How are you? I am here to rant today.I am here to share some happy news.I finally a got a job that i was looking for after facing so many rejections for the past few months.I am restarting my career after 6.5 years.I am excited and nervous at the same time.🙂

     

Viewing 15 posts - 211 through 225 (of 297 total)

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