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How to accept my flaws and be myself

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  • January 8, 2022 at 4:04 pm #390890
    zenith
    Participant

    Hey anita,

    How are you ?

    January 8, 2022 at 8:44 pm #390896
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rubina:

    Good to read from you! I am feeling better following 14 days of heavy snow because most recently much of the snow melted and without new snow falling, I am no longer stuck like I was before. How are you???

    anita

    January 9, 2022 at 10:41 am #390982
    zenith
    Participant

    I am ok.Just stuck these OCD thoughts again.

    January 9, 2022 at 10:47 am #390983
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rubina:

    It’s not a good thing to be stuck in OCD thoughts. In an organized way, can you list for me, what drugs and therapies you tried in the past, in your efforts to free yourselves from these thoughts, what worked, what didn’t work, and whether you are in treatment now?

    anita

    January 9, 2022 at 12:13 pm #390999
    zenith
    Participant

    I went to a pyschriatist for the first time in my life that was 2018.I started having intrusive thoughts when daughter was born.Then she put me on zoloft for 6 months.I didnt let her increase the dose because zoloft itself gave me anxiety.She also suggested me for group therapy.I went there for couple of weeks.

    In the same year i went to therapist for one on one session.She just told me to ignore my thoughts and go on medication.

    I dealt with those thoughts and guilt till 2019.Then slowly started to fade away.Then covid started in 2020 i was hit those thoughts again this time.I overcame the intrusive thoughts against my daughter.One of the articles from tiny buddha has helped at that time.Then another theme of ocd started that is religion.

    In 2020 i saw muslim therapist for my religious ocd.She just told me to follow the rules of religion that gave me more anxiety.Since then i have been dealing with same thoughts and guilt.After that i never tried therapy or medication.

    Recently i have shcheduled a session with an online therapist.It is on jan 31st.

    January 9, 2022 at 12:19 pm #391000
    zenith
    Participant

    At the end of year 2020 i started watching vidoes of how people overcame their ocd and also articles on tiny buddha.It has helped me a bit.Some days are good.The others days my brain goes into a panic state.Thinking about my past hurts a lot.Not able to move on from my past.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by zenith.
    January 9, 2022 at 12:50 pm #391004
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rubina:

    I read your recent two posts and I want to re-read our previous communication as well as do some research before I submit my next post to you. I plan to return to your thread and do all that tomorrow morning (in about 18 hours from now).

    anita

    January 10, 2022 at 12:02 pm #391059
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rubina:

    I re-read our previous communication so to refresh my memory. Your anxiety and OCD symptoms started early on: “I have phobia against Hindu goddess since childhood. Looking at their images would give me anxiety. I used to avoid them… During 8th grade I saw procession of Hindu goddess. It triggered my anxiety to such an extent that I started having all those obsessive images in my mind during day and night” –

    – I looked for images of Hindu goddesses and came across Kali, Goddess of Time, Change, Creation, Destruction and Power. The image of this goddess, shown on the Wikipedia page, is indeed scary: blue skin, mouth open, showing teeth, an extended tongue, eyes bulging, face clearly expressing aggression, and if that’s not enough: one arm of four is holding a bloody sword, a second arm is holding a decapitated, bloody head, a third arm holding a plate under the bloody head, so to collect the blood… overall a scary imagery, my goodness!

    You shared that your grandmother who lived with her son (your father) and his family, fought against your mother “for every small thing“, your father was short-tempered and he “used to blame/ fight with my mother for every single thing“, your older brother “would always hit us (me and my twin sister) or say nasty words since childhood“, and the house overall, was therefore chaotic, and you were scared: “I used to get scared during weekends because it was always chaos at home“.

    In addition to what was happening inside your home, on the outside “during my childhood I was surrounded by religious people. They would always tell us that you would go to hell if you don’t pray” – you grew up with LOTS of scary words and voices. The child that you were believed that something about her was very wrong, or bad, and that is why bad things were happening around her, and worse things will happen still.

    Scared, as a child, you slept with your mother, so “to feel safe“, and you “started doing so many compulsions… like turning the fan twice, using the restroom twice, praying twice… in order to decrease my anxiety“.

    Even though as an adult, you married a good man and you moved out of the home and country of your childhood, these scary voices are still with you, more so in stressful times, telling you that you are doing something wrong as a mother, as a wife, and as a Muslim: “there is always voice in my head that I am doing wrong“, and that is why bad things were happening (ex., covid) and worse things could happen next.

    Of course, covid didn’t happen because of you, but then, the chaos in your childhood home did not happen because of you either. Children automatically take responsibility for bad things happening and are afraid of causing more bad things to happen next. As adults, unless we become aware of this, we keep fearing the same thing: that we will cause more bad things to happen next.

    “I started eating healthy and try to go for a daily walk for the sake of my mental health and I started feeling better. But now… when I go for a walk, I get thoughts like ‘you are doing so much for mental health not doing anything for the God” – this thought/ this voice in your head is searching for what you may be doing wrong (ex., not doing anything for God), so that you will correct that alleged wrong and prevent that next bad thing from happening. This is what the OCD compulsions are about, preventing the next bad thing from happening.

    The medicinal and counseling that you received for your anxiety and OCD were very inadequate. You were prescribed only 25 milligrams of Zoloft per day, for a whole year: this is a very low dose (The maximum Zoloft dosage per day is 300mg). Some of the very little counseling that you received was incompetent.

    I would like to read your thoughts about this post (take your time forming those), before I add more.

    anita

     

    January 10, 2022 at 2:26 pm #391072
    zenith
    Participant

    I wanna talk about my past a little deeper again.I hope you dont get confused.Thanks for validating my fear.Since childhood i was just told it was a silly thing.There are differents forms of this hindu goddess.People would dance as if they are posessed by this god.I used to get scared and used to avoid loooking at the processions.I used to get bad dreams and scary images in my mind.I started doing compulsion to supress fear/anxiety.I also got closer to God at this time.After that my fear kind of subsided for few years and i stopped praying.The anxiety came back again during my graduation  in a different for.I have stopped praying so God will punish with anxiety again.I felt like a very bad muslim that time.At that time i shared the fear with my sister who is a very religious muslim.I told her about my fears.She told me that inorder to ease the anxiety and to be good muslim i have to  pray and give up few things to please god.She also told me that god is guiding me on the right path and he is giving this oppurtunity to get closer to him.So i kept praying till my anxiety went away.My anxiety kind of went away.I thought god cured my anxiety and he is giving me this oppurtunity to get closer to him.Then i eventually  stopped watching movies ,takling to male friends,celebrating birthdays the list goes on .I learnt more about my religion after that through some videos on youtube.If you do these things you will go to hell and the devil will distract you from the right path .I thought thats how i am supposed to be inorder to avoid hell.Sometimes i felt like watching movies but feared god will send to me hell/give me anxiety if start being myself again.I was like this for few years.Then i got married.I dont know why that gave me confidence to be myself and the fear kind of went away.I started going to movies,celebrating birthdays and so on.After few years of being myself the fear has  started to pop up again(during covid).I am doing things which are against religion/God will put in me hell for disobeying him/Bad things will happen.But this time i dont want to change myself.I dont want yo pray out of fear as a compulsion.I want to accept myself the way i am and i want to have my own set of beliefs.Later on i learnt that this is a religious OCD.Its a more like a mental illness and not related to religion. I am trying to be myself but the things my sister told me in the past and the things i learnt about religion keep popping up.I get thoughts like this is  not religious ocd.Devil is misguiding you.Because at one time i gave up all these things to please God and now i have become selfish.Its takes me into spiral guilt and shame.Then i reassure myself that i am a good muslim.The mental rumination goes on.The things from past and how i used to be make feel so guilty.I had different themes of ocd that i was able to overcome.But this religious ocd isnt going away.Sometimes i feel like i shouldnt have learned about religion.I have this fear like i will go to hell or God will abandon me if i have my own set of beliefs.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by zenith.
    January 10, 2022 at 2:36 pm #391074
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rubina:

    I will be able to read and reply either in a few hours from now, possibly in as long as 16 hours.

    anita

    January 10, 2022 at 5:28 pm #391080
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rubina:

    “Since childhood I was just told it was a silly thing” – your anxiety and OCD caused you so much suffering, and your suffering is not a silly thing!

    “There are different forms of this Hindu goddess. People would dance as if they are possessed by this god. I used to get scared” – watching people who look possessed is scary, particularly if it causes one to think: what if I get possessed?!

    “The anxiety came back again during my graduation in a different form…I felt like a very bad Muslim that time… The fear kind of went away… the fear has started to pop up again (during covid)… I had different themes of ocd” – the intensity of anxiety goes up and down, sometimes it appears to be gone, but it is never really gone. It often come back during distressing situations, such as Covid, and at other times it comes back for no discernable reason.

    The thoughts to which anxiety sticks, aka obsessions/ worries, change. We obsess about X, then about Y… then we go back to X, next is Z and so forth.

    “(Sister) also told me that god is guiding me on the right path, and he is giving this opportunity to get closer to him” -Anxiety and OCD are not guides or opportunities, they have no positive value, only negative= suffering. The key is to lessen and lessen this suffering!

    “God will put in me hell for disobeying him/Bad things will happen” – like I wrote in the previous post, OCD is about being afraid of bad things yet to happen in the future… in this life or the next!

    “I don’t want to pray out of fear as a compulsion” – repeatedly praying out of fear (without a real and present danger) is not praying; it is a compulsion.

    “This religious ocd isn’t going away…I have this fear like I will go to hell or God will abandon me if I have my own set of beliefs” – there is online information regarding religious OCD:

    (1) belief net. com/ wellness/ Religious OCD: when Faith Becomes Obsession can help you greatly, reads in part: “Religious thoughts can become intrusive and distressing to individuals with OCD… It’s crucial to remember that someone dealing with this form of obsessive-compulsive behavior is suffering… People suffering with scrupulosity typically see God as punishing rather than forgiving. This is an opportunity to remind them of God’s love and that they are worthy of it”.

    (2) Even though the website acccounseling. org/ coping statements for christians with OCD and scrupulosity, mentions Christians, it can help people of other religions who suffer from religious OCD. Two of the statements offered are: “My faith is what I believe, not what I feel”, and “Feelings are not facts”.

    These are only two websites that I easily accessed. Please let me know if this helps and we can continue our discussion.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by .
    January 10, 2022 at 5:54 pm #391083
    zenith
    Participant

    I even had  those thoughts like what if i get posessed by this goddess.It was very scary for me.I need to stop considering these thoughts as facts.But sometimes religious OCD feels so real.For the past few days i have been sitting with thoughts without judging them.Sometimes it works but other times i try to analyze them. Sometimes i feel like i dont know who i am and what my beliefs are.Thanks for you input anita.I really appreciate it.

    January 10, 2022 at 6:04 pm #391088
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rubina:

    You are welcome. Please look into the websites I mentioned, and maybe others on the topic of religious OCD and scrupulosity (scrupulosity: pathological guilt/anxiety about moral or religious issues, more commonly known as religious anxiety), and let me know what you think about what you read there, okay? I will be back to the computer n about 12 hours.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by .
    January 18, 2022 at 11:44 am #391569
    zenith
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    I am sorry i couldnt reply.Me and my family got covid last week.I totally forgot about this thread.I have gone through the website.I know what i have is Ocd/scrupulosity.As i told you before my brain tells me that this is not ocd this is something real like God guiding me on the right path and all that stuff.It takes me into guitlt trip.

    January 18, 2022 at 12:36 pm #391573
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rubina:

    I hope that you and your family recover soon from covid and keep yourselves healthy!

    “I know what I have is OCD/ scrupulosity…. My brain tells me that this is not OCD, this is something real like God guiding me on the right path and all that stuff. It takes me into guilting trip” –

    Scrupulosity: “pathological guilt/anxiety about moral or religious issues…. It is personally distressing, dysfunctional, and often accompanied by significant impairment in social functioning… It is typically conceptualized as a moral or religious form of obsessive–compulsive disorder… Treatment is similar to that for other forms of obsessive–compulsive disorder” (Wikipedia)

    OCD is a medical condition and there are a variety of medical and psychotherapeutic treatments for it. We discussed treatment a bit on the first page of this thread. Maybe re-reading it will give you an idea or ideas about possible future treatment for you. Feel free to post again anytime, and again: I wish you and your family a full recovery!

    anita

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