Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→How to accept my flaws and be myself
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anita.
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February 13, 2023 at 10:15 pm #415377
TeeParticipantDear zenith,
anita was not removed, but asked to be removed. You can read more on the thread “Anita’s Choice to Leave the Forums.”
February 13, 2023 at 10:47 pm #415378
zenithParticipant<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thanks Tee for your reply . I did go through the thread. I hope she will be back soon.</p>
February 13, 2023 at 10:50 pm #415380TeeParticipantYou’re welcome, zenith. And yes, I’d like that too.
February 16, 2023 at 8:43 am #415463
AnonymousInactiveDear zenith: I wanted to let you know that using an old account I submitted posts yesterday in the two threads with my name in the titles (identical posts in both threads so that members who may miss one of the threads can read what I wrote in the other). I explained what happened there. I got emotional when I wrote your words back on Feb 13.
anita
February 16, 2023 at 3:12 pm #415506zenithParticipantHey Anita. I did go through the thread that you posted. I feel bad for the emotional pain you are going through.How are you feeling right now ?
February 22, 2023 at 10:31 am #415698zenithParticipantI am stuck with anxiety again today. I was going through the previous posts in this thread to look up for the suggestions that you gave. I am thinking about you today Anita. I pray to God to give you lots of strength and patience to overcome the emotional pain that you are going through. I miss you.
April 14, 2023 at 8:01 am #417291zenithParticipantGood Morning!! Somebody please help me to navigate through my emotions. I have a best friend say A. We are neighbors. A and her family went to their home country on vacation. A’s cousin B stayed back in their home in USA. They returned to USA on Wednesday. I told A last week that I will prepare food for them when they return home. She said OK. In the meanwhile A ‘s Cousin B also told A that she will prepare food for them. Then A told her not to do so as I will preparing the food anyways. In spite of that B went ahead and prepared food for them. I prepared food for them too. My husband went to airport to pickup A’s family. When she came home she saw her cousin B prepared the food for them. She called my husband and said they are not coming for dinner. I was so disappointed because my food got wasted. The effort that I and my husband put in got wasted. She didn’t even bother to text me or apologize to me. Its making me so sad that how people can be so careless. When I told her I prepared all this she was like eat next day and didn’t even apologize. If I had been in A’s place I would have apologized. I am so mad with A and B. B has my number but she didn’t even bother to tell me before otherwise I wouldn’t have prepared food for them. A didn’t even show any concern and didn’t even apologize. I just cannot stop thinking about this shit and its making me anxious. My husband told me to forgive and move on as people are not perfect. But I cant take this disappointment. I want to keep distance with A. But A’s daughter and my daughter are befriends. My husband says we have to forgive A atleast for the sake of our daughter. As she is our only daughter my husband is concerned that she will feel lonely at home. I want to stay away from people. There have been problems with my other friends in the past. One of them gossiped about me and few others ignored me inspite of me putting the efforts. I hate this feeling . This friendships are mentally draining. Before my daughter was born I barely spoke to anyone. It was was just me and my husband. Because I know I would get disappointed, people/friends ignored me or my efforts since childhood. Now I am making this friendships for the sake of my daughter and they are mentally draining me. I don’t know what to do.
April 14, 2023 at 8:05 am #417292zenithParticipantI and my husband were fasting. We Muslims have a religious month called Ramadan where we fast from sunrise to sunset. We prepared this food inspite of fasting.
April 14, 2023 at 9:17 am #417293TeeParticipantDear zenith,
I am sorry A treated you like that. She knew you would be making food, she accepted it and told B not to prepare anything. So in a way, she made a deal with you. Later, when B presented her with food, she nonchalantly refused to come to dinner to your place, as if it were not a big deal. She could have saved the food B made for them for the next day, and come to your place anyway, to show appreciation for your hard work. But she hasn’t even apologized. That hurts. It’s not what a friend would do.
I just cannot stop thinking about this shit and its making me anxious.
It is a disappointment, but at least it taught you a lesson about A. Has she already betrayed you before? If not, perhaps you can talk to her (when you calm down), and tell her that it hurt you that she didn’t show up for dinner because the two of you agreed it would be you to cook for them, not B.
In order not to feel anxious, I think it would be important that you feel you have some power and control in situations like these in the future. I think it would be important to set some boundaries, so you can avoid being exploited in the future.
Depending on A’s character, you can talk to her and explain your feelings (if you think she would be receptive to that), or you can set some boundaries and not offer similar hospitality in the future. You may need to lower your expectations of her as a friend, and keep your relationship more superficial.
If you think it would be good for your daughter to play with her daughter, you don’t need to cut the connection with A entirely, just lower your expectations and keep some distance.
April 14, 2023 at 9:40 am #417294zenithParticipantThanks for your response Tee. I thought I would do the same. I will never offer to prepare food again. When I told my husband the same thing he told me to accept people are not perfect otherwise I will be left alone. He started defending A. His perspective is different than mine .He forgives people easily. I told him that we would still meet not as often before. I want to talk her but she will come up with her own reason and defend herself. I don’t feel like talking to her. Once she did the same thing last year. We planned to go out. A was ok. Then she cancelled the plan last moment saying that her daughter needs to take a bath. My little one who expected her daughter would come cried uncontrollably on that day. I didn’t take it seriously . I ignored it. But this event has affected to an extent that that I am unable to sleep.
April 14, 2023 at 9:51 am #417296zenithParticipantMy husband asked A to take the left overs next day. But she said sorry as she cant take it because she had left overs from the food her cousin cooked.
April 14, 2023 at 10:03 am #417297TeeParticipantDear zenith,
you’re welcome. And you’re right – reduce your contact with her, don’t offer to prepare food etc. It seems she doesn’t respect you enough, since she already stood you up like that before. “Her daughter needs to take a bath” doesn’t seem like a reason to cancel an appointment, although who knows, maybe it was urgent. But now she confirmed she doesn’t care about you too much, and so you need to adjust your expectations. Stand firm in that. You don’t need to tolerate disrespect from people. Explain that to your husband too. It’s okay to forgive people, but we don’t need to endure lesser treatment.
When I told my husband the same thing he told me to accept people are not perfect otherwise I will be left alone
You don’t need people who don’t respect you. You don’t need fake friends. You need to surround yourself with people who appreciate you.
You said you had problems with your friendships before (I would get disappointed, people/friends ignored me or my efforts since childhood.). It seems something similar happened with A too. It could be because you don’t respect yourself enough and so you try very hard to please people – but the kind of people who don’t really appreciate you? And so you often get disappointed and hurt?
April 14, 2023 at 10:23 am #417310zenithParticipantYes. Not since childhood but for the past few years .I made 3 good friends in the last 3 years. I helped them when they were in difficult situation like preparing food , baby sitting their kids if needed . One of them ignored me ,the other friend gossiped about me ,now A ignored my efforts. I stopped talking to those two friends. I stuck with A. Now I feel like A is gone too. I hate to say it. I don’t expect any help in return . Atleast appreciate my efforts or don’t gossip about me or ignore me. I just want to feel included nothing more than that.
April 14, 2023 at 11:09 am #417362TeeParticipantHi Zenith,
Not since childhood but for the past few years
Oh okay. You said it earlier, so I thought it was a long-standing pattern…
I helped them when they were in difficult situation like preparing food , baby sitting their kids if needed.
That was really nice of you. And then one of those friends gossiped about you, and the other ignored you (I guess after she didn’t need your help any more?). You did well to cut contact, since they were so ungrateful.
Now I feel like A is gone too. I hate to say it. I don’t expect any help in return. .. I just want to feel included nothing more than that.
I get it. If you have a history of difficult and draining friendships (This friendships are mentally draining. Before my daughter was born I barely spoke to anyone.), it could be that you are not appreciating yourself enough and expect them to give you appreciation? So maybe when you’re offering help, you do it with the subconscious hope that you would get appreciation? And when you don’t receive it, you feel unloved and rejected? (like, “no one appreciates me”)?
My husband asked A to take the left overs next day. But she said sorry as she cant take it because she had left overs from the food her cousin cooked.
That’s a pity that your husband went to her, after she rejected your food so rudely the first night. It’s almost like begging her to accept your food, which I must say, is rather self-deprecating, at least in my eyes. It’s good that you see this more clearly than he does.
April 14, 2023 at 11:21 am #417371zenithParticipantYeah may be I would expect a little bit of appreciation in return. I always feel unlove and feels like I am nobody’s priority. I get so anxious when people do this to me. I don’t know why would my husband ask her. He did it when I was in office. He told that A said sorry as she couldn’t take it. she is a good person blah blah .He is supporting A more than me and I hate it. My husband is a people pleaser. He was willing to go my friends home the one who gossiped about me after that drama had happened. He doesn’t care if others disrespect me/him. He will forgive everyone easily.
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