September 19, 2023 at 10:48 am #422262
Your first of two recent posts is positive and reading it, I agree with everything you wrote and I believe that you are on the right track. Your second post is your OCD rearing its head with a Regret Obsession, ROB, I’d call it (“That’s the biggest regret in my life.. anxiety has robbed so many things..”, robbing you from the excellent logic and sense that you made in the first post!
anitaSeptember 19, 2023 at 10:57 am #422263
Yeah.. That makes sense.My OCD keeps taking me to my past/ future instead of enjoying present moment which i always prayed for. Anyways thanks for your time. I appreciate it. Hope you have a good rest of your day.September 19, 2023 at 11:11 am #422264
I know how effective OCD is in raining on one’s parade of life, so to speak, spoiling good feelings and well-being. It’s OCD’s job to do that. It’ll be nice to be able to fire it from its job, wouldn’t it.. Which reminds me: I no longer Regret, no more ROB for me. It can happen for you too.
You are welcome and thank you, have a good rest of Tuesday yourself!
anitaSeptember 25, 2023 at 10:37 am #422470
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hey Anita.. How do i let go of people who ignore me. I have a neighbor who is my best friend. She started ignoring me and getting closer with other people. I feel like our friendship has changed over time. Earlier we used to meet often. She stopped coming to my house and we stopped going to her house .How do i move on.I am kind of jealous but at the same i feel like its her life and i should stop expecting from her. But i still keep thinking about how she is ignoring me. I stopped making friends because of the drama as i mentioned in some of my previous posts. Gossiping or favourtism in the groups on top of that i got busy with my job. So I dont have time for this drama. She is the only friend i have right now and i feel so bad.</p>September 25, 2023 at 10:45 am #422471
Anything particular happened to lead to this change in her behavior toward you (how long ago did she start ignoring you?).. Is this the friend you shared about recently, the one who returned from India and didn’t eat at your place?
anitaSeptember 25, 2023 at 10:57 am #422472
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Yeah.. She is the one..I saw the change in her behavior for the past two months.. I kept my ego aside and I invited her to come to my home twice but she didnt come. We both have kids who are of same age. We used to go out to parks together and other kid friendly places. Now a days they dont join us or they come to our house. I thought of taking my little one to thier house she said no saying that either she was busy or her kid was sleeping. So i kind of ignored her as well as i cannot control the way she thinks. I asked her once directly the reason for not coming to our house. She said she is busy now a days as her kid started kindergarten. But she has time to invite other friends and spend time with them. I dont know if i am jealous. I want to let it go but my ocd makes me think about this all the time.</p>September 25, 2023 at 11:28 am #422474
“I saw the change in her behavior for the past two months“- since July then. Back in April, she apologized to you for not coming to your home for dinner following her long flight back from India, and you understood and forgave her. Three months later, you twice invited her and her kid to your home, but she didn’t visit you. You suggested to bring your kid to her house and she said “either she was busy or her kid was sleeping“, and when you asked her directly why she was not visiting you in your home, she said “she is busy nowadays as her kid started kindergarten“, but “she has time to invite other friends and spend time with them“.
(1) I admire you for asking her directly why she didn’t visit your home. (2) I know how much it hurts you to be ignored and for others to be preferred over you. No one likes to be ignored etc., but it is particularly hurtful to you, and it so happens to be particularly hurtful when it happens to me, every time! For example, if an original member on the forums ignores my reply while answering another member who also replied, I feel hurt! But I try to talk sense to myself when it happens, trying to not take it to mean that.. I am less than the other replier/ less than other people. (3) Maybe she knows how sensitive you are to rejection.. and she feels uncomfortable around you, afraid that she will say or do something that will make you feel badly again, so she prefers to not spend time with you. Is this explanation possible, and if so, what do you feel about it?
anitaOctober 2, 2023 at 9:15 am #422635
How are you, zenith?
anitaOctober 2, 2023 at 9:27 am #422636
I am not sensitive to rejection. I have been taking her NO all these days. Last year it was different they used to accompany us everywhere to the park, movies or trips to other states. This year its been different it started since July they have been saying NO a lot lately. I am ok with it because i dont expect people to be with us all time. I have even stopped asking her but my husband still keeps asking them when we go out. Its hard for me to accept how she has changed lately stopped messaging me or not coming out with us. I want to move on but i am stuck. Another incident happened this weekend. Her husband and my husband has a mutual friend lets call him C. Cs wife planned a surprise birthday party for him only for men. I told my husband i will take care of my kid. But insisted on taking our kid to the party as its just going to be cake cutting thing. Then he asked my friends husband if he is taking the kid to the party. He said YES. I was okay with that as my kid will company at the party.But my friend and husband later had a discussion my friend insisted her husband not to take their kid to the party. As usual she dropped the plan in the last moment. They didnt even tell us before. So my husband got my kid ready and they sat in the car to go the party. Thats when he (my friends husband) told my husband that he is not brining the little one to the party. I was angry at that time but i just let it go. My husband went to the party and he called me saying take the kid home as there are no kids here and its going to get late. I dont know why i felt so angry at that moment if they would have told us earlier i wouldn’t have sent my kiddo. So my husband has to come back and drop the kid at home. I went outside so i was not at home at that time so he dropped my little one at my friends house. I was so angry with her that i returned home immediately. I went to her home and just grabbed my kid and didnt even talk to her. She knew i was angry with her. She later texted me asking what happened. I told her i was angry with as this is happening for the third time. I remember last year we were planning to go outside and they said YES. We got ready and we were waiting for them. Then i went to her home to ask them if they are ready. She told then as they are not coming as her kid didnt take shower. I felt like that was silly. My little one expected her friend would accompany her. She cried uncontrollably on that day. I didnt say anything to her on that day. I just moved on. Then later on the dinner thing happened. Then this party. I told her saying NO in the last moment is effecting us. It has happened thrice. I couldnt take it this time. She started giving her own reasons. She started complaining instead of understanding what i went through. She didnt even apologize. I apologized to her first as i was angry with her. Then she apologized to me. Instead of accepting her own mistake. She said our plans just clashed. I know she didnt do it intentionally but she does not understand how its effecting my kid. My husband tells me that i am thinking too much. I just cant trust her anymore. Its emotionally draining me. I just hate it.October 2, 2023 at 9:58 am #422637
“Last year it was different, they used to accompany us everywhere to the park, movies or trips to other states. This year its been different. It started since July they have been saying NO a lot lately… Another incident happened this weekend… (your husband) asked my friend’s husband if he is taking the kid to the party. He said YES… my friend and husband later had a discussion, my friend insisted her husband not to take their kid to the party. As usual she dropped the plan in the last moment. They didn’t even tell us before“-
– it’s possible (it’s only a possibility) that your friend is having a difficult relationship with her husband ever since July. So, her husband told your husband YES, then his wife finds out in the last moment that he said yes without asking her, she gets angry with him and says NO, and the plan was dropped in the last moment because they had a fight in the last moment. Is it possible?
“If they would have told us earlier I wouldn’t have sent my kiddo“- it is possible that there was no they that day, like I suggested above. He said YES, she didn’t know until the last moment, got angry and.. said NO.
“I was so angry with her… I went to her home and just grabbed my kid and didn’t even talk to her. She knew I was angry with her. She later texted me asking what happened. I told her I was angry with as this is happening for the third time. I remember last year we were planning to go outside and they said YES. We got ready and we were waiting for them. Then I went to her home to ask them if they are ready. She told then as they are not coming as her kid didn’t take shower. I felt like that was silly“-
– maybe it was the same story then: one of them said YES, the other was not included in the YES and turned it into a NO in the last moment, giving you an excuse about the shower. (The fact that she texted you after you left angrily makes me think that she was unhappy about you being angry at her, that she has some interest in the two of you being okay with each other).
“I told her saying NO in the last moment is effecting us. It has happened thrice. I couldn’t take it this time. She started giving her own reasons. She started complaining instead of understanding what I went through“- what reasons did she give you?
anitaOctober 2, 2023 at 10:29 am #422638
Yeah you are right. She told me the same thing that her husband said YES without discussing with her and she didnt like sending her kid to the mens party. She took her little one out and she was too tired to attend the party.October 2, 2023 at 10:40 am #422639
So, it is not flaky behavior on her part, and it’s not a behavior that’s a result of her relationship with you.. but a result of her relationship with her husband..?
anitaOctober 2, 2023 at 10:46 am #422640
May be it wasnt unintentional. Sometimes i noticed that her husband says yes without asking her. I dont know i just felt bad my daughter felt alone at the party and husband has to come back home to drop her. I never reacted this way with her before.October 2, 2023 at 10:54 am #422641
intentional**October 2, 2023 at 11:06 am #422645
I remember how much it bothered you that your daughter cried the other time when her friend didn’t show up (I don’t remember the details now), but you feel your daughter’s hurt very intensely, it is as if her hurt feelings get magnified in you.. you feel too much empathy for her, too much for your own good and for your daughter’s own good (if she senses your distress over the friend not showing up, her own hurt gets MAGNIFIED).
Somehow you need to care less about such things as the friend not showing up (and stop projecting your old hurts into your daughter, which is a very, very common thing that many mothers do). It will make you evaluate situations more objectively and these situations will not appear as disastrous as they appear to you now. What do you think/ feel?