fbpx
Menu

How to accept my flaws and be myself

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryHow to accept my flaws and be myself

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 571 through 585 (of 602 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #426739
    zenith
    Participant

    I agree with you Anita.May be just like an ocd fear my anger needs to be addressed too. When it comes to fear emotion i have learnt to sit with the discomfort from my ocd therapist.How do i deal with anger emotion?

    #426740
    zenith
    Participant

    Few days i was angry with my friend who celebrated the new year eve with other friend of hers and she didnt even tell me. I got to know this through a mutual friend of ours. I was angry that she told the mutual friend and not me. I am trying to let it go saying thats ok and i just couldnt stop obsessing about it. The anger is hurting me emotionally.

    #426744
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    “I was angry with my friend who celebrated the new year eve with other friend of hers, and she didn’t even tell me. I got to know this through a mutual friend of ours. I was angry that she told the mutual friend and not me. I am trying to let it go saying that’s ok“-

    – But that is not okay! Notice in the previous post I wrote that you should respect your feelings? Respecting your hurt and anger about not having been invited means that you acknowledge that your hurt and anger are valid, that they carry a true message, which is that it is not okay to mistreat or treat zenith as less-than others.

    This reminds me of what you wrote yesterday about the times growing up when you were mocked and treated as less-than by relatives: “I never got angry. I have accepted the fact that they are superior to us and I am dumb“- you tried to make it okay back then, by saying to yourself that you really are inferior and dumb, and therefore it’s okay for them to treat you as less-than.

    It is NOT okay.

    Notice the message of your hurt and anger right above, repeated here: “it is not okay to mistreat or treat zenith as less-than others“- this is a non-negotiable and it was absolutely wrong for your relatives to treat you as less-than, particularly for things that you had no control over, such as being born to poor parents.

    In regard to the theme of your story as an adult, that of being ignored and not invited by neighbors-friends, there is probably a complexity here: your over sensitivity, great hurt and anger over little things, even over non-issues, over time, on multiple occasions,  have probably shown on your face, in the tone of your voice, in your choice of words and behaviors, So, people may have learned to walk on egg shells around you, afraid to unintentionally say something that will hurt your feelings and make you angry, and therefore, they may prefer to not be in your company. It seems to me that it became a vicious cycle: your hurt and anger invite more hurt and anger.

    Key is to acknowledge and respect your feelings in regard to your childhood. For example, to acknowledge that it was not okay to have been treated as less-than by relatives. In so doing, you let your anger know: I hear you anger, I get your message: it was NOT okay to treat me as less than my cousins and others.

    When you let your anger know that you heard it empathetically and respectfully, it will stop being so loud in your current adult life circumstances, you will become more genuine and pleasant in the company of others.. and they’ll want to be in your company.

    I agree with you Anita. May be just like an ocd fear, my anger needs to be addressed too. When it comes to fear emotion, I have learnt to sit with the discomfort from my ocd therapist. How do I deal with anger emotion?“- same way, I think: both fear and anger are emotions that are difficult to experience, so they both need to be regulated and managed similarly.

    Can you process this post as well as our recent communication, give it some time, and get back to me tomorrow?

    anita

    #426768
    zenith
    Participant

    I read your post Anita. I dont show my anger to my mil ,sil or my friends. My friend has seen my anger only once. When my child went all alone to a party. The only person who sees my anger is my husband not all the time only sometimes.  When i started meeting up indian people in the place where i stay. There was lot of drama and gossip. As i cannot deal with drama so i am always careful about the people i meet. I am now close to only two friends. As i get closer i start expecting more thats when i get hurt. People like my husband expect nothing in return. Yeah may be i have become more sensitive or reactive to the way others treats me. I did talk to my friend about the new year eve in a polite way. We sorted it out. She kind of started saying no when ever we used to go out and became closer with others. Thats when i started distancing myself from her. I will try to  acknowledge and feel the anger.  I scheduled a session with my therpaist and see how it goes. Because this anger and anxiety are really effecting me.

    #426769
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    I don’t show my anger to my mil ,sil or my friends“- how do you do it.. when you felt hate, intense hate (to the core), how did you hide it from being seen on your face or heard in your voice? Do you keep a poker face.. or do you put on a happy face when you are very angry.

    I will try to  acknowledge and feel the anger.  I scheduled a session with my therapist and see how it goes. Because this anger and anxiety are really effecting me“- I am glad you scheduled a session with your therapist. If I can help in any way in regard to your original hurts and anger, in the context of your thread, please let me know!

    anita

    #426770
    zenith
    Participant

    I just put a happy face. I dont show it. when i was frustrated with my SIL i went to my room and vented it out to my husband.

    #426773
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    I don’t show it”- you have an ability I don’t have. My anger shows in one way or another, whether I want it to show or not.

    anita

    #426778
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    I don’t show my anger to my mil ,sil or my friends… I just put a happy face” (Jan 5)- understandably, we all hide our anger in social situations when expressing our anger would be socially inappropriate. Many more of us should hide our anger instead of expressing it in ways that are abusive to others, especially to our children.

    On the other hand, hiding our feelings from others and from ourselves on a regular basis makes mental health and healthy relationships impossible.

    From existentialists podcast, com/ emotional dishonesty and relational responsibility: “Emotional dishonesty is ultimately a form of expression that doesn’t reflect one’s internal process; whether we are aware of our internal emotional climate or not. There is a discrepancy; an incongruence; and out-of-sync-ness that marks the difference between what is felt and what is presented”.

    The article continues to explain that we shouldn’t be emotionally honest with others when it is relationally irresponsible (as in overwhelming a child with an adult’s strong expressed feelings because a child does not have the emotional capacity to endure such sharing), but it is important for a person to be aware of what it is that one is hiding from another, and why.

    The article suggests to become aware of what you are feeling by paying attention to the physical sensations of the feeling before you think about what you are feeling and why. It suggests that you seek to understand yourself before you expect others to understand you. It suggests that you ask yourself before sharing a particular thing if you can live with yourself after sharing it,  if you can tolerate the cost of sharing it, asking yourself what’s the worst that can happen if you share this or that.
    <p class=””>the online therapist. blog/ Emotional Honesty: what it is and why it is important: “By being emotionally dishonest, we are missing out on connection with others and indeed ourselves. We are missing out on living an authentic life and we hide and lie what we are truly feeling….</p>
    <p class=””>”Emotional honesty is the glue that holds the four pillars of trust, honesty, respect and mutual benefit together. It allows us to be intimate, vulnerable and connect deeply with another person. However, we mostly avoid it at all costs.</p>
    “Before we can be emotionally honest with others, it is important that we are emotionally honest with ourselves. This is where it starts and where it will flourish with others. We don’t do this for a number of reasons. Firstly, we fear judgement and criticism from others and it is easier to avoid that. Secondly, we have become adept at manipulating our feelings, subduing them and hiding them in order to control the response from others…

    “Emotional intelligence may also give us the ability to decide when it is in our best interest to be emotionally honest by sharing our real feelings. There are times when it is not healthy or safe for us to be emotionally honest. In general though, I believe we would be better off individually and as a society if we would be more emotionally honest. Only then will you be able to set healthy boundaries for ourselves and others. In fact, being emotionally honest may well encourage others to do the same.”

    I agree with the above quotes and hope that you find it useful. Have a good weekend, zenith!

    anita

     

    #426779
    anita
    Participant

    Re-submitting, hopefully without the excess print:

    Dear zenith:

    I don’t show my anger to my mil ,sil or my friends… I just put a happy face” (Jan 5)- understandably, we all hide our anger in social situations when expressing our anger would be socially inappropriate. Many more of us should hide our anger instead of expressing it in ways that are abusive to others, especially to our children.

    On the other hand, hiding our feelings from others and from ourselves on a regular basis makes mental health and healthy relationships impossible.

    From existentialists podcast, com/ emotional dishonesty and relational responsibility: “Emotional dishonesty is ultimately a form of expression that doesn’t reflect one’s internal process; whether we are aware of our internal emotional climate or not. There is a discrepancy; an incongruence; and out-of-sync-ness that marks the difference between what is felt and what is presented”.

    The article continues to explain that we shouldn’t be emotionally honest with others when it is relationally irresponsible (as in overwhelming a child with an adult’s strong expressed feelings because a child does not have the emotional capacity to endure such sharing), but it is important for a person to be aware of what it is that one is hiding from another, and why.

    The article suggests to become aware of what you are feeling by paying attention to the physical sensations of the feeling before you think about what you are feeling and why. It suggests that you seek to understand yourself before you expect others to understand you. It suggests that you ask yourself before sharing a particular thing if you can live with yourself after sharing it,  if you can tolerate the cost of sharing it, asking yourself what’s the worst that can happen if you share this or that.

    the online therapist. blog/ Emotional Honesty: what it is and why it is important: “By being emotionally dishonest, we are missing out on connection with others and indeed ourselves. We are missing out on living an authentic life and we hide and lie what we are truly feeling….

    ”Emotional honesty is the glue that holds the four pillars of trust, honesty, respect and mutual benefit together. It allows us to be intimate, vulnerable and connect deeply with another person. However, we mostly avoid it at all costs.

    “Before we can be emotionally honest with others, it is important that we are emotionally honest with ourselves. This is where it starts and where it will flourish with others. We don’t do this for a number of reasons. Firstly, we fear judgement and criticism from others and it is easier to avoid that. Secondly, we have become adept at manipulating our feelings, subduing them and hiding them in order to control the response from others…

    “Emotional intelligence may also give us the ability to decide when it is in our best interest to be emotionally honest by sharing our real feelings. There are times when it is not healthy or safe for us to be emotionally honest. In general though, I believe we would be better off individually and as a society if we would be more emotionally honest. Only then will you be able to set healthy boundaries for ourselves and others. In fact, being emotionally honest may well encourage others to do the same.”

    I agree with the above quotes and hope that you find it useful. Have a good weekend, zenith!

    anita

     

    #426857
    Rob
    Participant

    It’s easy, ACCEPT! there are no flaws only thoughts of having flaws, everything is as it should be, just remove your thoughts, they are just passing clouds

    #427355
    Panditdevsharma
    Participant

    I’m truly sorry to hear about the struggles you’ve been facing with OCD and anxiety. It’s important to reach out to a mental health professional who can provide support and guidance tailored to your specific situation. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and you deserve the care and assistance needed to navigate through these challenges.

    #427616
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith: I miss talking with you, thinking about you, hoping you are okay.

    anita

    #427699
    zenith
    Participant

    Hey Anita.. I am doing good. How are you ? I wanted to check on you but i forgot to post on this forum. As i am tied up with my work.

    #427703
    anita
    Participant

    Hey zenith, good to read from you! It’s okay if we don’t talk about heavy duty stuff, just knowing that you are out there, and okay is good enough. I hope that you have a restful weekend.

    anita

    #428089
    zenith
    Participant

    Hi Anita.. How are you ?

Viewing 15 posts - 571 through 585 (of 602 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.