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How to accept my flaws and be myself

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Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 101 total)
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  • #397534
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zenith:

    I am fine, good to read from you again. What happened with your friends, or is “friends” the wrong word?

    anita

    #397535
    zenith
    Participant

    Hi anita.

    I hated talking to people for a while.After my daughter was born i started talking to people and make friends to take her to play dates.I met one such friend like 2 years ago.Now she started feeling jealous about me talking to other friend and started back biting about me infront of other people.I confronted her and told her not to do that again.I forgave her.But she did the same thing again.I dont know how do i move on from this emotional pain.I started talking to a new friend and now she is doing the same thing.I dont how to trust people and move on with this hurt.I am ok with sitting at home and not having friends,but my daughter feels lonely.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by zenith.
    #397537
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    I am sorry you are in emotional pain. When you say one friend started back biting you in front of other people, what did she actually say to them? And what did the new friend say or do specifically?

    anita

    #397540
    zenith
    Participant

    My first friend lets say A.Intially we were close but slowly she started making new friends and ignored me.I didnt feel jealous but yeah i felt sad and moved on.Then i made a new friend B.We really got close and we have both have kids of same age and they get along well.I and B bought houses next to each other in a new community last year.So we met often to discuss where to buy and all that stuff.I got really close with B.A started feeling jealous because i got close to B.A was the one who ignored me first and when i did the same she felt bad.I didnt do it intentionally but i dont like the way she thinks.She started judging my kid and said few things which i didnt like at all.She made some new friends.She started telling to other friends that i stopped talking to and ignoring her beacuse of the new friend B.I got to know about this and confronted her told her not to do this again.I told her she is the one who ignored me first and why she is feeling jealous now.Anyways i forgave her and started talking to her again.She didnt talk much.I ln the mean while i got close to another friend C.So now i am close to both B and C.A didnt know about that.A started back biting about me in front of C.C later came to me and told me about this.I deleted A’s number and i stopped talking to her.Somehow A got to know about this and she started blaming C and told me that C was the one who was responsible for all this and C is the one who poked her.But this time i dont want to trust A again.So i stopped talking to her.I dont know if i should trust C now.Because C is the one who keeps bringing up about A in front me.I doubt if C did the same thing with A.Like bringing up my name in front of A.I dont know who to trust.Everybody turns out to be the same.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by zenith.
    #397542
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    Reads like A is not someone you should ever try to be friends with again. B is okay, right? And C may be okay too. I wouldn’t trust anything A told you about C or anyone else.

    So, none of the three said anything negative about you, other than A saying that you ignored her?

    anita

    #397546
    zenith
    Participant

    B is trust worthy.We have small community of indians here .A is the one who started spreading lies about me to other people in the community when i got closer to B.I forgave her.She did the same thing again.Next time C was also when A started spreading lies about me.This sounds silly but i am tired of peoples insecurities and bitching about other people.

    #397562
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    Spreading lies about a person is not an acceptable behavior and you shouldn’t forgive a person for that unless the person sincerely apologizes and does not repeat this behavior. I don’t know if A apologized to you, but she repeated her behavior, so no more forgiving and being friends with her, okay?

    C is now spreading lies about you too, having joined A in this bad behavior? Did you confront C about it, and if so, what was her response?

    B is then the good friend, one you can trust- cherish her and the friendship with her.

    I want to bring something to your attention that may be helpful. Please read what follows patiently, when you have the time: because of your childhood where you grew up with lots of fights and chaos (“My mother had to deal with my grandmother who used to fight for every small thing. I used to get scared during weekends because it was always chaos at home. My father is also short-tempered person who used to blame/fight with my mother for every single thing… elder brotherwould always hit us”, September 2021), you ended up very anxious and with OCD. This means that currently, as an adult, you have a strong tendency to obsess about and to overreact emotionally to people and situations.

    I am not saying that you overreacted when you ended contact with A, that was the right action. I am talking about obsessing and emotionally overreaction. For example, when your husband told you back in February this year that his parents will be visiting your home in May, you overreacted emotionally: experiencing a lot of anxiety, obsessive thinking that goes together with anxiety, anger and overburden: “My in laws will be here in the month of May… I am literally in tears… I don’t know if I am thinking too much about this. I just feel…Why… I just feel like running away… Sometimes people’s expectations on me make overburdened because of my anxiety“, February 17.

    Going back in time, before your husband told you about his parents’ expected visit, you were obsessing and emotionally overreacting in regard to your twin sister: “As you know I myself deal with anxiety… She blamed me so much for her bad marriage that I couldn’t take it and went crazy that I went to ER… She blamed me again saying that I am enjoying a luxurious life here and she is suffering alone as she no friends there… I just can’t take that blaming part because it takes me into spiral guilt again as I myself suffer with OCD“… I told her many times that I have a daughter to take care. If something affects me that is going to show effect on my motherhood as well”, January 30-Februry 2, 2022.

    After the above, you didn’t post for a while. I asked you on Feb 17: “Please tell me, how are you feeling these days, and is your sister still being a problem in your life?“, and you answered: “I spoke to my sister and sorted out the issue. I told her to respect my boundaries and she said ok. I am able to let it go. But my new obsession has started. My in laws will be here in the month of May...” –

    – Notice: you were able to let go of obsessing and emotionally overreacting to your sister because you started obsessing and emotionally overreacting to your parents in laws’ expected visit. The topic of your obsession and emotional overreacting changed, but not the obsessing and overreacting itself, because it’s a mental/ emotional habit.

    This means that at any one time, you obsess about and emotionally overreact to something, be it this or that person, and this or that situation. You get very little breaks in between the people and situations that you obsess about and overreact to, do you?

    I am thinking, there really are ways to reduce the obsessing and emotional overreacting and I want to talk to you about those ways.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
    #397582
    zenith
    Participant

    Thats so true.I obsessed about God for few months.It slowly has started to calm down.Now i am obsessed about how people are ill treating me.A didnt apologize she just blamed others and told me she told me that she never gossiped about me.She did the same thing again.Anyways i will never forgive  and talk to her.Now i am obsessed about C doing the same thing like spreading lies about me.I just got to know from As husband that C is the one who provoked A by intiating conversation about me.I wanna let this go.I dont want to control people.I dont know how do i stop obsessing.You summarized it so well Anita.I recently got my work visa.I have an interview to attend tomorrow.I am unable to focus on my preparation for the interview because my mind is obsessed with how peope are ill treating me.

    #397586
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    I don’t know how (to) stop obsessing” – for sure (no doubt about it), you cannot stop obsessing by (1) solving a current problem with a person and a situation, with the expectation that there will be no more people and situations to obsess about. As long as you are in the habit of obsessing, there will always be someone and something to obsess about, (2) stopping this deep-rooted habit of obsessing by will power, that is, by simply choosing to stop obsessing.

    The possible ways to stop obsessing are: (1) taking the correct psychiatric drugs under the care of a competent, ethical medical doctor, (2) taking on the difficult and time-consuming practice of Mindfulness: guided meditations, muscle relaxation practices, daily aerobic exercise, and so forth.

    I will never forgive and talk to (A)” – good.

    Now I am obsessed about C doing the same thing like spreading lies about me… I wanna let this go” – the best you can do without the 2 things I pointed to right above, is to switch obsessions: when your parents in-law visit you, you will probably forget about C for the duration of the visit, and obsess instead about your in-laws and husband. You can switch the topics (people & situations) of your obsessions, but you cannot stop obsessing unless you do #1 and/ or 2 above.

    I recently got my work visa” – congratulations!

    I have an interview to attend tomorrow. I am unable to focus on my preparation for the interview because my mind is obsessed with how people are ill-treating me” – maybe it will give you a temporary relief from obsessing if you took a hot bath? You need to relax before the interview.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
    #397588
    zenith
    Participant

    Thanks for your help Anita.Even if i take the anxiety pill i will obsess about the side effects and fear about getting addicted to it.That has happened to me before.I should go with option 2 i guess.I dont know how i am gonna handle my in laws.They will definitely say something to make me feel bad.I know i will start obsessing about it again and fight with my husband.I cant even imagine.Unfortunately everything is a trigger for people like me.I dont know how to handle people and situations.

    #397589
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    Like I said, you only have two options. The psychiatric drugs can give you the quickest long-term relief, if you are willing to re-consider it. In the past, you took Zoloft which is a stimulating SSRI. There are other drugs that are prescribed for OCD that do not have that stimulating effect.

    What is running your OCD is a chemical habit in your brain, certain chemicals being produced and released in certain amounts, keeping the OCD going. If this chemical habit is too strong, consistent mindfulness practice is not possible, and a chemical/ psychiatric intervention, at least for the short-term, is necessary. After the relief achieved by chemical/ psychiatric intervention (that is, the habit to obsess is no longer too strong), practicing mindfulness is possible.

    I don’t think that you have enough time to practice enough mindfulness to make the May visit any better for you. Regardless, you can try a mindful practice today, see if it works for you.

    I don’t know how to handle people and situations” – you will be able to learn how to handle people and situations when you are no longer caught up in obsessing and emotionally overreacting to people and situations. You need to be regularly calmer in order to handle life better.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
    #397591
    zenith
    Participant

    Thank you once again Anita. I appreciate your time and concern. I will talk to my husband and see if I should go ahead with medical help or not. You have a great rest of your day.

    #397629
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation. Have a great rest of the afternoon/ evening yourself and post again whenever you want to get my input.

    anita

    #399396
    zenith
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    How are you ? I have come up with a new problem again.Its related to my job serach.I got my work visa and trying to restart my career after six years.I did work in India for around 4.5 years.But its was a failure due to my social anxiety.Now i have attended like 6 interviews.I have beem working really hard but due to lack of confidence/fear i failed all of them.I am trying to start at entry level.But still failing.I took in a positive way.But today i got email from other interviewer saying that i was rejected.This is the sixth interview that i have attended.I feel like a failure.I dont how to overcome my religious OCD ,I am scared to confront my MIL,I am scared of attending an interview.I dont know how to lead my life due to this fear.I feel so lost.I dont know what will give me confidence in this world. 😒😞

    #399407
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zenith:

    I am fine, thank you. I think that you are overreacting to the email you received today. Anxious people emotionally overreact to negative events, even small ones, smaller even than an interview rejection. And overreacting, you think about all the negative things in your life (including the anticipated visit by your MIL and future rejections), and you get overwhelmed.

    I hope you are calmer now, more than 3.5 hours after you posted, are you?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 101 total)

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