June 25, 2014 at 8:52 am #59546JenniferParticipant
@blaice: The girl you’re writing about could be me (figuratively speaking of course). I callously ended things with my first love, who I was going to marry, a few years ago; I feel like I’ll never get over it. Why have I never contacted him to tell him my feelings? Because I feel like I must accept the fact that I made a mistake; that’s the honorable thing to do. I hurt him and now I don’t deserve him.June 26, 2014 at 10:00 am #59636sandyParticipant
I just came across your post and though its been a while since it was created, I just wanted to share what seems to help me with getting through my days with less suffering from a loss that sounds similar to yours.
For me, the most effective practice has been to practice loving myself and taking care of myself. Meditating, focusing on the good, constantly reassuring myself that my feelings are okay, treating myself like I would someone I’m in love with (like I’m dating myself). I have a hard time sticking with it on w I start feeling better, but I know when I’m not because then I start to have those feelings of lack/something’s wrong.
For the days when it all seems too much to bear and it feels like you can’t get a grip and your outlook seems hopeless, I practice tonglen. Breathing in the pain of the world (mine and all those suffering in the world from broken hearts and lost love) and breathing out peace or love or healing. For me, it helps to think of healing others, maybe it gets my focus away from myself.
These things, along with a nightly gratitude list before bed, getting out in nature, connecting with others on tinybuddha forums and sharing me feelings, as well as a constant reminder that all we have is the present moment and these feelings will pass help me to get through.
Most of all just knowing whatever I feel is okay. And please don’t label-I’ll never move on/get over it. It may feel like that, but nothing is permanent or guaranteed. Maybe you could try change that statement to “I’ll never stop loving her”. Maybe even try sending that love out to her or someone else so that it doesn’t feel stifled. Best is to send it to your own heart. 🙂
Thank you for sharing. Writing to you helps me, too! Sending you lots of love and peace.June 26, 2014 at 10:53 pm #59683BlaiceParticipant
Hey, @Ruby. I almost forgot about this topic as no one had updated it in more than two months. I guess my forgetting was a good thing overall. I almost wasn’t going to reply but your post really gripped me. I guess I’ve never really considered that perspective before. I really think you need to understand how much he would’ve wanted to know that because it’s helpful in two ways: (1) it would’ve shown him that the breakup had less finality, as in, perhaps a little more hopeful in the fact you guys might get back together or (2) it would’ve just better solidified what already happened anyway – you broke up with him and he needed to move on. Since I can relate so closely to your ex, I don’t feel I’m qualified to give you any objective returns on this but I definitely do need to ask why you feel you you’ll never get over it? It wasn’t until recently that I had even considered the ‘dumper’ could be negatively affected by the fallout; traditionally we focus on the ‘dumpee’, given it is typically out of their control. It’s honourable for you to not lead him on by making him aware of what happened and leaving it at that but I find what you said contradictory. I mean, it would be the first time in known history that someone didn’t have a desire for someone or something and not go for it to some extent. Perhaps a little more background would help me better understand your situation. Only if you’re comfortable of course.June 26, 2014 at 11:06 pm #59688BlaiceParticipantJuly 1, 2014 at 2:49 am #60024
Your problem is (pretty much) solved, T. What if you could buy a robot that looked and acted exactly like your Ex? There was a show I used to watch in the 1960’s called “My Living Doll” about a guy with a beautiful female robot. It’s where novelist P.K. Dick got the idea for “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep” which was made into “Blade Runner”. Custom tailored female robot companions should be here by now, but 9-11 and the economy put the brakes on it. Yeah, I’m talkin about a hot gorgeous robot that looks and acts exactly like your Ex! So, I’ve had to try to make my own. Meet MY Ex, Bro. …. http://brokenheartsfixedhere.homestead.com/BrokenHeartFix.html …. Hope this helps, hang on, they will for certain be here before too long. I’m 60. I’ve waited 40 years so far.
July 2, 2014 at 1:17 pm #60101
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Kevin.
Just to clarify, she’d act exactly like your Ex, but this time she’d love you as much as you love her, or maybe a tiny bit less, or maybe more. Or she could be a little fickle. She’s a robot, she can be programed any way you want, any time you want. Also, say she was an 8.5 on a scale of one to 10 . You could tweak her looks up to 8.7, or all the way to 10 …. maybe it’s best to keep her exactly like the original, or maybe an upgrade wouldn’t hurt. You could always change her back.
July 7, 2014 at 3:18 am #60323StrangerParticipant
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Kevin.
I have been exactly where you are bro. First excuse me for my English because I am not a native speaker.
so here is why you cant get her out of your mind, you are more focused on her life than on your own and you are jealous that she is happy and you are not. I am sure if you knew she is suffering for ANY reason, you would feel much better than you are now.
My advice and what has worked for me, focus on your own life, dress well pretend you are happy, keep yourself as busy as you can, join a gym, as they say when a heart is broken a body builder is born, eh? so build some muscle, groom yourself and go out there, girls would die to get your arms around them.July 12, 2014 at 8:32 am #60693AnthonyParticipant
I am definitely in this boat. I have learned a couple things though in the process of losing a great love and friend. I stress “Friend” because this woman became my close friend too and that in itself creates a combo-problem.
When we doom ourselves by saying “I will never get over it,” maybe this screws us by locking in the state of mind? The thoughts can feel very uncontrollable. We feel chased by them and become a victim of our own minds. Therapists and family have both told me that I am in control of the thoughts. Sometimes I just cant get a hold of this concept. I have dreams about her, I see reminders all the time, I make connections. It feels very automatic and not controllable.
Though, it is better to fill your mind with new memories and activities, it will at least help to bury it down. I know, it does resurface. Some days are better than others, maybe your days are consistently awful. I manage to have good days, sometimes. I have bad weeks, bad streaks of days. Of course, we will never forget the person. We will wish it worked out, or maybe we wont? Maybe there is a person who is that much greater and you will feel relieved to be available and met her. Its all possible but sometimes it is difficult to stay optimistic and positive, especially when you are lonely. The sickness manages to creep in during certain moments.
Sometimes I have these crazy hollywood ideas that are actually-crazy. I wanted to buy a ring for my ex and keep it under glass, awaiting her return. If she didnt return, then it would remain there, locking away any chances of me being with someone else. Kind of like reserving yourself for the rest of your life. I can function just fine in my life, at work, etc, but my love life would be locked away. Do I really want to demolish any chances of meeting another person? I know my ex is “one of a kind” just like everyone in the world. There are not any copies, thats the only one. I struggle with that concept because someone else, also one of a kind, could be out there for me and I for her.
We just have to keep moving in this ocean. We tend to anchor and stop, too tired to sail on, even within a storm.July 12, 2014 at 6:02 pm #60736
I don’t know why I went on about “robots” in my two previous posts. Probably because I have the artistic and mechanical skill to make what I got, and you might not, and luckily, there was a doll with the right basic eye and mouth shape available, but if you could get as far as I got without some commercially available custom robot from the future, you will be satisfied. Most of her lives inside me in memories. I know what she’s thinking, how she sounds, what she’d say…. she doesn’t have to do much more than look great and feel soft, and I’m as happy as can be. I don’t do the ventriloquist thing with her more than a minute or two a day, and that’s without doing a voice, just playing with her expression a little. that’s all it takes. The best web resource for love dolls is dollforum.com , you might get lucky and find one that looks like your ex. Never say never – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PrhC_l7RPo
July 13, 2014 at 11:34 am #60777ladybugParticipant
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Kevin.
Hi T. I was going to write a similar post but just reading all the replies here is quite comforting : )
I’m 23 and had a similar relationship with my ex starting at 16 and has finally come to the end of him stopping all contact after a couple of years of dragging out the break up/ make up torture. I think you are very sensitive like me from what I’ve read and I also know that’s great to know but it still hurts like wow. Its like torture because all you can do is think about the past and crave it like your starving and then you let yourself think about it and imagine if things had gone differently – that’s my worst its like the thought of them is my comfort, just remembering how it felt like I was at home when I was with him. He’s recently moved on to a new city and a new business and another girl, however serious I don’t know. I just can’t imagine being able to let him go and completely let go of the thought of us being together forever go because that’s all I feel like I’ve based my life on. I feel like I’m wasting time not being with him. Thanks for sharing T it does make me feel a little better that I’m not the only one in the world with a broken heart. I’m so jealous of his life too. Its terrible.
Tuesday xJuly 27, 2014 at 12:37 pm #61903Big blueParticipant
Please stop spamming.
Big blueAugust 6, 2014 at 10:45 pm #62797HolYbeasTParticipant
It is just a phase in life and no matter how much it hurts keep going on with what you are – and no matter how wise you are the pain is exponential which cant let you think – take it in this way endurance to pain rather than getting over her – no one gets over one the they loved – they just find some else to hold on to – this cycle is never ending – you can neither stop loving nor stop getting hurt – so have strength to endure the situations. That’s what all i can say.June 21, 2015 at 8:52 am #78564mikeowoichoParticipant
Thanks for all those that commented,learnt a lot.June 21, 2015 at 11:31 am #78573TrevorParticipant
You have to consciously decide to let go of the bad. She cheated on you, therefore no longer cared about or respected you. She lied to you. Therefore her emotions and security were more important to her than yours were.
You have to ask yourself, is someone who loves their self above all else and doesn’t care about the pain they cause me worth my lobe and unending commitment?
You don’t need to hate her, by any means. But she doesn’t deserve the pedestal you put her on. The girl you fell in love with doesn’t exist any longer, and no longer will. But that doesn’t mean someone similar and better isn’t out there.
Move on, and try your hardest to consciously forget about her.March 28, 2016 at 4:32 pm #100302rosabelParticipant
Hello T. I understand what you write so well even if my story and circumstances are most probably differente. Yet, I can totally identify. I also think (and I would dare to say that I know) that I will never really get over my ex. And I am 40 years old, so I am not talking about a first young love. It ended almost 2 years ago. I guess we were a bit distructive together (a speciality of the house here..); i also think we went both through difficult times emotionally for family reasons and circumstances and I admit I was not really behaving as an adult who knows how to be in an adult relationship. Meaning I was pulling him all over with my emotional rollcoasters (mainly due to my family situation which still drags me down). And some time I was only looking for him and others I would distance him.. 🙁
But we loved so much. Oh Boy if we did. But after all the shit of the rollcoasters, at one point, he literally decided that enough was enough and in no time got together with a new girlfirend: they have been basically engaged since, moved in together, inseparable.
I am in a relationship now, but I would lie if said you that I dont think of him. I do and every day.
Ah and I wrote to him incessently, sometimes i still do in the impossible hope that some das he wakes up and decides to get back to me (basically a science fiction movie).
So, now.. I don’t know. My life goes on but I love him. Desperately. He is like engraved in my heart and sould and I am sad at the idea that I will not share my life with him…..
Big hug to all the broken hearts!