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I can’t forgive myself for a childhood mistake

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  • March 27, 2023 at 2:52 pm #416793
    junieb
    Participant

    I feel so disgusted with myself and I haven’t admitted this to anyone in real life. When I was around the ages of 8-12, I had unsupervised internet access. I was very sexually curious and consumed a lot of pornographic media. One of these was a story about a woman who smeared peanut butter on her nipples and let a dog lick it off for sexual pleasure. I was curious and decided to recreate that with my own dog. I smeared peanut butter on my nipples and let my own dog lick it off. I did this four or five times because it felt good but eventually stopped. I know I wasn’t attracted to my dog doing it, but the feeling of it.

    I am not sexually attracted to animals in any way. When I am with my dog, I don’t even think about these past acts. I would never, ever do what I did again. I know that I have grown and changed as a person, and that I was just a child who didn’t know any better. But I cannot move on from what I did. I feel like I am a disgusting, evil person who does not deserve love. I’ve been so anxious and depressed recently and I am afraid of my own thoughts.

    I’m working on finding a therapist to talk through these feelings, and I’ve started journaling, too. But is there anything else I can do to move on?

    March 28, 2023 at 4:58 am #416823
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Junieb

    The Nature versus Nurture debate has been possited for eons and is still ongoing. All children explore & experiment with what is in their environment and our early years are all about our senses with little or no discernment. So it was just unfortunate that you stumbled across that particular site.   You chose to discontinue with that particular experiment & in theory no long term harm should  have been done to you or your dog so  I wonder what other input you have had into your life to make you think that you are unworthy of love etc.

    I hope that your therapist will be of help with your internal dialogue so that you can have that childhood memory be seen in a different light.

     

    April 25, 2023 at 4:25 pm #417731
    Maida
    Participant

    Dear Junieb, I think the key to getting past this is to forgive yourself for being a sexually curious child. It’s not your fault that you were growing up at a time where sexual (mis)information was a click away. I can’t imagine what I might have stumbled upon and tried if I could simply type a question into a search engine and go down the rabbit hole at that age. I grew up pre-internet, and it wouldn’t have occurred to me to do something like that; that it was a thing at all. And I’m sure you wouldn’t have thought of that on your own either. It didn’t come from within you – it came from our morally questionable society, and you were just a kid, aka information and experience sponge. So forgive yourself. <3

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