July 3, 2020 at 12:32 pm #360380ItstimetocelebrateParticipant
When I was 10-12 years old my Little brother was almost 10 years younger than me. I sexually abused him twice. I actually knew that it was wrong because I did it when no one was watching. Even though I don‘t want to go into detail I will still explain it on a superficial level so you can understand my pain. One Time we took a bath together and I masturbated using his body and another time while he was sleeping. The Time when he was bathing with me he showed me that he didn‘t like it but I still did it. After that he was just quiet until I finished. You know when victims of rape claim that they couldn‘t move while they were abused? Yeah I‘m scared that it was that. The time while he was sleeping I he woke up for two seconds and went to sleeping again. It‘s so horrible and I can say that this is by far the biggest regret of my life. I feel ashamed because I am scared that he could be emotionally bruised. The shame literally paralyzes me. When I relive that experience I actually want to punish me. I want to slap myself and I sometimes don‘t wants to be awake and just sleep to numb the pain. I am even scared to Touch children or be near them even though I know I wouldn’t ever hurt them. I want to forgive myself and I actually know that feeling the shame and regret and guilt just shows that I have learned my lesson but that doesn‘t really calm me because I have learned my lesson at the expense of someone else. Of my little brother I Love more than anything in the world and I know 100% that I won‘t ever hurt him again. I just know that I‘ve hurt him and that probably hurts me more than it hurt him. Inthink this regret hinders me from increasing my self worth. I judge myself so much that i can‘t handle the Emotions while reliving that experience. I just wish I could Turn back time and Tell my younger self „You don‘t know that you are causing harm to yourself and most importantly to your little Innocent brother.July 3, 2020 at 8:38 pm #360450anitaParticipant
I have four questions for you:
1. Your screen name is: it’s time to celebrate. What is it that you want to celebrate?
2. This is a public forum. In how many public forums so far did you share the story you shared here, and what was your experience with those other forums?
3. Are you looking for a stranger (someone you know nothing about) on the internet to forgive you?
4. Did you consider paying for a private session with psychotherapist/ counselor so to talk about this topic?
anitaJuly 4, 2020 at 9:46 am #360521InkyParticipant
Because you were a child at the time, even if you turn yourself in, what would that do? They can’t arrest you.
If you confess and say you’re sorry for abusing a pre-verbal child, what would that do? Your brother would be repelled and it could tarnish your relationship forever.
The key idea is you were a CHILD. Not even a teenager. Children do nutty things.
Repeat, “I forgive myself for any past mistakes I did when I was under the age of eighteen” 100 times a day for a year.