July 3, 2020 at 12:32 pm #360380
When I was 10-12 years old my Little brother was almost 10 years younger than me. I sexually abused him twice. I actually knew that it was wrong because I did it when no one was watching. Even though I don‘t want to go into detail I will still explain it on a superficial level so you can understand my pain. One Time we took a bath together and I masturbated using his body and another time while he was sleeping. The Time when he was bathing with me he showed me that he didn‘t like it but I still did it. After that he was just quiet until I finished. You know when victims of rape claim that they couldn‘t move while they were abused? Yeah I‘m scared that it was that. The time while he was sleeping I he woke up for two seconds and went to sleeping again. It‘s so horrible and I can say that this is by far the biggest regret of my life. I feel ashamed because I am scared that he could be emotionally bruised. The shame literally paralyzes me. When I relive that experience I actually want to punish me. I want to slap myself and I sometimes don‘t wants to be awake and just sleep to numb the pain. I am even scared to Touch children or be near them even though I know I wouldn’t ever hurt them. I want to forgive myself and I actually know that feeling the shame and regret and guilt just shows that I have learned my lesson but that doesn‘t really calm me because I have learned my lesson at the expense of someone else. Of my little brother I Love more than anything in the world and I know 100% that I won‘t ever hurt him again. I just know that I‘ve hurt him and that probably hurts me more than it hurt him. Inthink this regret hinders me from increasing my self worth. I judge myself so much that i can‘t handle the Emotions while reliving that experience. I just wish I could Turn back time and Tell my younger self „You don‘t know that you are causing harm to yourself and most importantly to your little Innocent brother.July 3, 2020 at 8:38 pm #360450anitaParticipant
I have four questions for you:
1. Your screen name is: it’s time to celebrate. What is it that you want to celebrate?
2. This is a public forum. In how many public forums so far did you share the story you shared here, and what was your experience with those other forums?
3. Are you looking for a stranger (someone you know nothing about) on the internet to forgive you?
4. Did you consider paying for a private session with psychotherapist/ counselor so to talk about this topic?
anitaJuly 4, 2020 at 9:46 am #360521InkyParticipant
This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.
Because you were a child at the time, even if you turn yourself in, what would that do? They can’t arrest you.
If you confess and say you’re sorry for abusing a pre-verbal child, what would that do? Your brother would be repelled and it could tarnish your relationship forever.
The key idea is you were a CHILD. Not even a teenager. Children do nutty things.
Repeat, “I forgive myself for any past mistakes I did when I was under the age of eighteen” 100 times a day for a year.
InkyAugust 18, 2020 at 2:55 pm #365078
Hey Inky thank you for your supporting words. My Problem is that I am an empath and I know how sexual abuse can affect somebody. And since he was a child and the childhood is the Most important Time for the mental health I just worry that I may have caused him some deep wounding. I can say that is my biggest regret un my life… I don‘t know how I can forgive myself when I don‘t know if he is traumatized. I feel so guilty and ashamed..August 18, 2020 at 3:06 pm #365081
1. the name is literally random. It‘s a name I use in many forums/social media platforms when I want to be anonymous.
2. This is the First Time I‘ve talked about it.
3. I honestly don‘t know what I hope to get from writing this. I don’t think I want someone to forgive me maybe I just want someone to talk to and someone who tells me that it‘s okay to move on (knowing that was a huge mistake)
4. i have considered it but I‘m scared of being judged..August 18, 2020 at 3:18 pm #365082anitaParticipant
In the context of posting a thread on the topic of you sexually abusing your younger brother, it is not time to celebrate. This is a serious, grave topic, and a public forum is not the place to post about it. The right place to bring this up is in a private context, not a public context such as this.
You wrote that you considered psychotherapy but you are “scared of being judged”. I believe that you owe it to your younger brother to face your fear and make an appointment ASAP with a professional psychotherapist who specializes in sexual abuse of children. In the private, confidential setting of therapy, tell the therapist about your fear of being judged, and whatever other fears you have on the matter. Hear what he/ she has to say about it, and take it from there.
“I just want someone to talk to and someone who tells me that it’s okay to move on (knowing that was a huge mistake)”- say this exact sentence to the therapist you will be seeing.