September 30, 2018 at 7:30 am #228193
You are very welcome. Reads to me that this is an obsession, not different than any. When obsessed, people are focused on this or that one thing, one event, as if the solution of that one thing will take away all distress. It is the brain trying to take the easy route, locate a problem, single it out, focus on it, solve it and be done. I hope you do get the help you need and remember my offer, to start your own thread regarding your anxiety.
* Dear Justin:
I just happened to read Mona’s post but I no longer read members’ posts on this thread, not beyond perhaps the first few sentences , and so I didn’t read your post. I posted on the top of page 11 the reasons for that. The main reason is that I believe a public forum like this is not the place to discuss sex in the context of children. The right place is the private, confidential context of psychotherapy. I hope you have that available for you.
anitaSeptember 30, 2018 at 8:26 am #228211
Anita I seen that after I posted and yes ima go talk to a therapist soon and to the other people on here please remember you was just a kid and kids do dumb things sometimes believe it or not a lot of kids have made the same mistakes I mean you can see on here just remember you was only a kid and it’s the past I hope everyone on here finds peaceNovember 1, 2018 at 9:48 am #234981
Hi, so I have read every piece of advice from you all and am trying to find peace knowing I didn’t exactly know that at the age of 10, what I did was wrong. But there are two parts of me, one of which is the memories, I remember what I did (my experience on the other page), the part of me that knows that I did it and knows NOW that it is wrong. However, there is also the other part of me whom merely thinks that I, of all people, would have never had done such a bad thing. This part of me is backed up by weak, weak evidence, but sadly no strong proof: when I was 10 was when I committed this act, but up until only a few years later, do I remember this situation and feel evil for it. I will not expose my age, but must I give you an idea of how old I am, I am still in my childhood. Now, the same part of me that thinks I couldn’t have done such a thing, makes me gather this because How come I am only realising momentarily how wrong I truly was? How come I didn’t understand how corrupt it was back then? How come I never felt regret or guilt for what occurred then?
I am always asking myself these questions because I don’t have evidence for either of the two parts of me who think oppositely, but considering that I do remember the horrible acts of my wrong, how would I have those acts imprinted on my brain if I didn’t do it? All in all, as confusing as it sounds, I am pretty confused myself too, but am actually casually starting to accept myself for what I did although I often look around and see all the people, wondering: How would these people act if they knew what I had done? How would they react to me AND my actions? But then I wonder if any of those people had done similar things as I had as a 10-year-old. Honestly, it does make me cringe at the thought of my sin, but I have started to accept my wrong-doing as a mistake, that children do not know any better and don’t have a clear conscience, that I never intended to hurt my dog and that they cannot exactly be held accountable for their mistakes. I don’t want to live the rest of my childhood drowning in guilt and regret, I don’t want to grow up and look back at my childhood and only recount my mistake and the guilt and shame that followed after, I want to remember much more than that. As I am only young still, I haven’t told any of my family nor anyone else because I think that they will judge me and think of me as a disgusting person. Also because I want to forgive myself first before I let anyone else try to process what I did and overlook me for my sins. I feel as that if I tell anyone, then they will clearly believe of me differently when really I haven’t changed at all, I just made a mistake as a 10-year-old and looking to redeem myself. It scares me knowing that if I happen to spill all of this to loved ones or dear friends that it will ruin my childhood for me and destroy my contacts ( family, friends), I’m worried no one will try to support me and see through the mistake that I made as a 10-year-old.
This is why I like this thread because I can share my story and not expose myself for who I am. But besides that point, as much as I would like to tell my age, it is dangerous for me and I know that. What I am looking for here is answers for the questions I have provided in my two paragraphs above. I am sorry it may seem like a quest, but I have been trying to deal with my actions as a 10-year-old for only two months but I feel as if I have information yet to conceive. If anyone has advice and/or answers to my questions, please write back to me on this thread.
Thank you, from
~Sox21~January 4, 2019 at 8:17 pm #272337
Today I read through several of these stories and the first thing I think I saw is that we are not alone. We are all human and make mistakes that we wish we could go back and change. Childhood is such a fragile time when we are learning about the world and ourselves. We are bound to find ourselves in situations doing things we would never do now. I don’t think that we should live our lives beating ourselves up for choices we cannot change. The past is over. I am a Christian and one of my favorite verses is “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” Even if you are not a Christian, I believe everyday is your chance to realize you can be new. God’s love doesn’t choose who to be good too because He is inherently good even when we don’t deserve it.
What led me to this forum is my own story. When I was eight years old I sat next to a kindergartener that I knew. She was wearing a furry Winnie the Pooh costume and I asked her if I could touch it. It looked soft and I was intrigued and she told me yes. So I touched her costume and for some reason I have always had this fear that I may have touched her inappropriately. Truthfully, I don’t believe I did anything wrong and not because I cannot admit my own guilt to myself. However, I believe the fear and lack of clarity of this random memory from childhood has burdened me for a long time. I remember discussing this with my mother as a child and she assured me that it was nothing to worry about. I forgot about it for over a decade and one day I was watching a movie and that worry and guilt came up again. What I know to be true is that my intention in touching her costume was far from sexual.
But what do I do now? Do I replay this over and over again wondering what if? I choose not too. I choose to let go and live in the reality that I am fully forgiven and given an opportunity to live free and boldly for God’s glory. I choose to receive His love and I choose to believe that who I truly am is not condensed too my eight year old self. I hope all of you choose the same. Go to therapy, talk to family or trusted loved ones and let it go. You are more than your past, don’t spend your whole future paying for it. God loves you no matter how horrible you think you are based on your mistakes. Accept it and be free.February 5, 2019 at 8:07 am #278701
i have something that I feel horrible about and that make me feel like I am a bad person. I hate saying this because I don’t want it to be an excuse for what I did, but when I was about 10 or so I was constantly sexually abused by a neighbor and a childhood friend. They would perform oral sex on me and have me do so on them. I am a male and they are both males as well. This stopped when I finally told my parents it was happening and that I didn’t like it. This isn’t the issue. I completely understand that I was a child and didn’t know any better and take solice that I stopped it.
My issue is with something I did when i was maybe 14, perhaps younger. I was house sitting my grandmother’s house and tried to have intercourse with her dog. I attempted to, but the dog didn’t like it so I stopped and immeditely. I tried to put my penis there and as soon as it touched her she tried to run and I felt horrible and stopped instantly. I told my dad about it because i felt so bad and he told me it was okay and not to think about it. But I do. I loved that dog and now I’m a 31 year old and it still bothers me. I never tried it again and can’t believe I tried somethting like that. I care about animals immensely and that this happened makes me disgust myself. I feel like I have committed a sin that cannot be forgiven. I’ve asked for forgiveness several times and just feel like I don’t deserve it.
What are your thoughts?February 5, 2019 at 10:05 pm #278879
Hello. I am 39 year old male. When I was a child I would molest my niece who was about 6 years younger than me. It’s very difficult to go into details. The last time it happened she had a friend over. I was probably about 13 or 14 at the time. Her friend told her mom what happened and they called the police. I was charged with indencency with a minor as a minor or something like that I don’t remember exactly. It tore my family apart. I always denied it as a kid. I have since admitted this to mywife, mother, brother and sister(nieces mom). I haven’t spoken to my sister since and my mother has passed away. I have been dealing with depression on a regular basis about this. I just can’t seem to get over it. It’s killing me actually. I’m an alcoholic and have what I’m pretty sure is bi polar depression. Aside from telling me to go to AA can you give me your thoughts please?February 10, 2019 at 9:01 am #279557
New to this. Not sure how this works or even if I am posting in the right place. I recently started therapy for anxiety. I am lost and don’t know what to do. My brain feels fried and I am having overwhelming thoughts. Out of nowhere/somewhere a memory burst into my head. When I was a young girl around 12/13 I was babysitting a 1/1 1/2 yo girl. While both of us were fully clothed. I remember laying her down on the floor and rubbing my body up and down on her. 2 or 3 rubs. I realized I was wrong and stopped almost as soon as I started. I never touched her flesh. Even typing those words make me feel like vomitting. I feel disgusted. It’s a fuzzy memory. Am I a sicko?March 7, 2019 at 1:48 pm #283525
I have read your situation, and would like to know how the psychiatrist was able to help you with that? I have a similar situation and I keep telling myselft it’s just a childhood mistake and I don’t know why it’s haunting me so much 15 years later. I’m a good person but right now my days are dark.
Thank youMarch 7, 2019 at 10:43 pm #283595
I am living in guilt of doing something wrong in my childhood. I was about 9 or 10 years old or maybe less than that becoz i don’t remember the exact years. My family went to my native village in summer vacation where all other relatives also come to spend holidays. There we children use to have a large group of cousins. One day me and my elder cousin was lying on the bed and telling each other horror stories which we saw on tv. Suddenly when i was telling him the story he started scaring me and instead of running away i rolled over to him becoz anyway i was not scared and acted to be scared. then he asked me to lay down over on him and i did but after a minute he drag me down on the bed when he heard of someone coming. After that he said today we will sleep(that does mean for something wrong) together. At that time we all childern were like sleeping together in an open area becoz there were lack of many beds and due to lack of electricity everyone used to sleep in an open area in the house. But in the night i shifted to my mother’s cot just near the cot we were sleeping i don’t remember why. Now, on the other day when i woke up and ran to him and said sorry i change the bed but i slept with as promised but he didn’t replied me and didn’t talk to me after that in that trip. We met later after few years and he was cool and talking normally becoz i think he forgot everything. Lately, in 2009 he died in an accident. But still the memmories remain stuck inside my head.
In another incident again i was on summer vacation and playing hide and seek with one my relative who was two years older than me. while playing hide and seek he asked me to hug him and lay down over him while hiding which i did too. this time i remember i was 9 years old.
Now this two incidents disturb me a lot becoz somewhere i also want to do that and i didn’t deny to do what the said.April 1, 2019 at 12:21 pm #287221
I read your story and it made me sad, sad because this has taken over your life, as a child we think and do childish things, that’s why adulthood begins really at 18 and even that’s too young for some people. You are now looking back through Adult eyes with an Adult mind wondering what the hell you were thinking at that time, it’s impossible to know. When we are turning in to young adults new hormones are being released in to our bodies that make us act differently, these are very powerful stimulation’s and can completely force you to do things you wouldn’t normally do. It’s clear this is a huge burden for you and you clearly regret it. Seek some professional help buddy you’ve suffered enoughApril 9, 2019 at 6:48 am #288207
I know this is an old form but I wanted to share my experience also. I struggle with a childhood shame and guilt over child masturbation.. from 5 i was dry humping friends, pillows, the side of the bed … anything. This new feelings was exciting and just felt so nice.. me and my friends would call it the butterflies…
I’m at peace with this… but when I was 7 or 8 I have this memory of dry humping my sister for like two seconds and then I stopped. And I remember thinking ahhh me and her are having the butterflies so this is nice! Like it was the most natural thing. I never done it again though because the my mum caught me touching myself and really shamed and embarrassed me.. told me god was watching and it made him sad when I did this ( I’m from an Irish catholic family)
I was traumatised then because i remember thinking OMG I have my sister the butterflies now god is angry with her too.
And in my teens I was hot with horrible depression and guilt because of this. I told my mum who surprised me by being understanding and she told me how Iv grown into this beautiful kind young women with a big hart. I eventually opened up to three best friends about it now (I’m 26) and then accepted and said they actually had similar experiences.
I have done inner child work and meditation and I have come along way. I have had really healthy sexual relationships with my past partners etc and I have been with my boyfriend for two years we are long distance but we are moving in together in summer.
I have been ok with my past and then this weekend was hit with so much anxiety and a fear of when i tell him will he reject me and think I’m disgusting.
Im an empath, i care so much about the world im in and i Love my partner so much and the thing is I would not judge him or anyone who holds similar shame.. why am I so afraid..April 9, 2019 at 6:48 am #288211
i read your comment and wanted to cry, I want to give you a big hug and help you! I am a 26 year old women and I have suffered with guilt and shame regarding dry humping my sister! We had cloths on I was 7 she was 1. It only happened once and I must of repressed it and then remember when i was 13. That’s when I fell into a whole of guilt shame and depression.
Your situation is not that bad I definitely think your mind has gone out of control by blowing it out of proportion and punishing yourself ?
however i have done the same in the past.. thoughts of “you are a rapist “ horrible horrible self judgment we have both put are selfs through.
What helped me was real swan book the completion process. Mediation. And coming to a place of some acceptance. Then I opened up to some Trusted friends who where so accepting. If I had this experience so can u.
At the moment I’m working up the courage to open up to my boyfriend about it. I do have fear of him rejecting me because of it.
But deep down I don’t believe this will happen because I have notice how my own ego makes a drama out of everything when in reality it’s not
Yes so bad.
I send so much love to you and pray for your healing dear. Please let go and love your selfMay 13, 2019 at 5:59 pm #293611
Is there anyone still active here?May 13, 2019 at 5:59 pm #293613
Lily, I know it might be a long stretch since it’s been a while since you’ve posted here but are you still active here?May 16, 2019 at 5:13 am #294069
yes I am…