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Letting go of Childhood mistakes?

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  • #297783
    nathan
    Participant

    i’m not really sure this is active but i’m hoping to get a response.

    i cannot believe i’m writing this on here for the current amount of overwhelming shame i feel but after reading this entire thread, and seeing that other people have experienced similar situations. i made an account & i simply feel the need to share because i don’t want me/anyone else reading this to feel alone.

    i must’ve been around the age of 6-8. my siblings and cousins use to live in the same house. we’re all around the same age no more than a few years apart (3 boys 2 girls) and one day, we found some of my uncles porn collection in the bottom drawer underneath all the clothes. i remember one night my aunt & uncle went out for their typical date night and my cousin decided that we were all going to watch one of the videos after they left. not long after the car left the driveway my cousin put the dvd in and we all sat and watched. marveling as to what was going on. i remember thinking something along the lines of, “whoa… cool” because i had never seen something like that before. we were completely oblivious as to what sex was. and after a short while of watching the film, we turned it off just incase my aunt & uncle came back early..

    this probably caused a spark of curiosity in our minds and is entangled in my deepest regret but (a few weeks or months later i can’t remember) me and my other male cousin, me being the youngest, and him the second youngest were closest and decided to try out some of the things we saw on the video simply out of curiosity [god this is so painful to write it has seriously already been about 2 hours of typing just because how many pauses i had to take] …so while the only adult home at the time was taking a shower we went underneath the covers in the room and sort of compared our private parts and touched them together. a little bit after that we performed some things on each other (no penetration was made) for maybe a few minutes and that was it. we decided to stop and go out of the room and do something else before my dad gets out of the shower. there was no abuse or anything, nothing forceful, it was just like experimenting, it was only one time. after i could remember feeling that we had done something that we weren’t suppose to. like “only adults should do that” so felt i needed to hide it. cuz i knew they’d be upset.

    well fast forward maybe 4-5 years and the memory of that day came up when i was in class maybe, 7th or 8th grade. i remember feeling regret but really only lasting a few minutes. i can remember thinking “oh let’s forget about that, i didn’t know any better and it was a mistake” oddly enough, i kinda did. until i was 17. so another 4-5 years pass and that memory came up again, as i was watching a comedian. he had said something and BOOM out of the blue it just got triggered and resurfaced. I got up and walked outside in a panic and deep feeling of regret and shame. i had gotten panic attacks quite a few times before but felt like only weed activated it. [that’s a discussion for another day] anyways, for maybe about 2-3 months after i was constantly thinking about the memory. which gave me pretty bad anxiety but nothing particularly overwhelming. i was still able to function throughout the day for the most part even with the constant intrusive thoughts and feelings. during those few months i remember taking up reading, i read a lot of books to sort of distract my mind from going haywire which actually helped out, before i knew it i felt like myself again.

     

    shortly after my 21st birthday i fell into a really really horrific state of mind i got severe panic attacks nearly 10-15 times a day and slumped deep into depression. i thought to myself “what could possibly make me feel this way” and again, that repressed painful memory of that day arose which fueled everything. making everything oh so horrible. i couldn’t do anything. i was completely stuck. it felt like forever. i would be hanging out with friends googling “how to’s” and “tips for depression & anxiety” i didn’t feel like engaging in anything. everything felt like it was crumbling around me. i lost interest in everyone and everything. i told my mom how i was feeling and she recommended a therapist but i really couldn’t tell her [or anyone for that matter] exactly why i was feeling that way. just too ashamed. too guilty. i ended up seeing the therapist and i instantly told him everything. he just kinda nodded at everything i’d say offering no insight or perspective. no comfort. after my first session was over i felt a bit of relief just knowing that someone else on earth besides me and my cousin knows about what happened but wasn’t really comfortable going back to him, i also didn’t really wanna go back for fear of reactivating pain. it took a handful of long dreadful months for my symptoms to start to dissipate but in time my ruminations stopped, anxiety calmed, and depression slowly seemed to lift.

    I’m now 24 years old and stuck in the same exact familiar loop. the awful feelings of shame, and constant brooding about the incident. i’m planning an appointment to see a trauma therapist asap hoping to free myself of this pain. but in the meantime i felt the need to post this for some guidance and maybe for anyone else that has a similar story

    #303809
    Virgilia
    Participant

    Nathan,

    I’m so sorry you are burdened with this. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. I’ll address one thing, be reassured, and somehow I’ll be worried about something else. This continues on and on like a huge circle until I come back to what causes me anxiety and depression in the first place. And yes, lots of stuff can trigger it.

    But there are periods when I feel happy, confident, and peaceful again. I find this happens most when I’m preoccupied with a hobby, socializing, or busy with work. You can too.

    Keep this in mind. Kids do weird stuff. Curiosity and experimentation are natural throughout our lives, especially when we’re younger and more naive. Its unfortunate that yall were exposed to your Uncle’s stash of porn, but there’s no point beating yourself up over it. You’re very brave to talk about it. I don’t know the full situation but it doesn’t sound like anyone was hurt and yall were in fact very young and probably confused.

    A little trick I try to do when I think of a painful memory is the “Don’t think about Elephants” routine in my favor. When something reminds me of something bad, I tell myself “Don’t think of *insert positive thought or memory here*”. That way, I distract myself with a happy thought instead. Its a little exercise you can try.

    If it continues to bother you, I recommend you do talk to that trauma therapist. He/She could even prescribe some anti anxiety or anti depressive. Also I doubt this story would shock him/her. They’ve probably heard much worse. Even if you have a bad shrink experience previously, remember all of them react somewhat differently to each case. By the sounds of it, some people on this page haven’t met the best ones.

    Everyone has mistakes and a past that we regret. If we could go back and time and fix it. . . well a whole new set of problems would probably be born. Either way, you cant change the past but you can focus on the future. You could volunteer in a big Brother program or something like it to feel you were making peace with your past and making the world a better place in that area that troubles you. I hope this helps.

    #307129
    Kimberly
    Participant

    I am glad I discovered this thread as there seems to be so few resources for this sort of thing. Anyway, I’ll get straight to the point. When I was 15/16, I was sexually frustrated (I had always been hyper-sexual from a very young age) as well as interested in girls. (I’m a woman) There were about three times where I would take my 5/6 year old niece upstairs to my room, have her on top of me, and rub myself on her butt until I had an orgasm. The first couple times she kind of went along with it, but the third time she was visibly uncomfortable and didn’t want to do it. I would also force her to kiss me. We were both clothed and I didn’t touch her private parts beyond dry humping or make her touch me. She wound up telling my sister, who then asked me about it, and I started crying hysterically but denied it. That being said, I am now 26 and have been beating myself up for the past decade. I regret doing it wholly and am incredibly uncomfortable and even a bit suicidal as I type this. I had no attraction to her nor, but I took my sexual frustration out by using her to get off. I can’t even express how much I absolutely loathe myself for this and feel as though I don’t deserve happiness or anything good in life. (I’ve been battling depression and anxiety from a young age and PTSD from my teen years til now and feel that I deserve this pain and suffering) I’m so conflicted, because while I don’t want to feel this way forever, I also believe that I should feel this way forever. I have mentioned this to a couple therapists as well as loosely mentioning something horrible I did a decade ago in outpatient groups and such. Everyone says the same things: “you’ve beat yourself up enough” “you’re a different person now” “you did something bad, but that doesn’t make you a bad person” “you need to forgive yourself” “talk to yourself as you would a child or close friend” and the list goes on. I’ve heard it all, but I literally cannot find a way to forgive myself for what I’ve done. What’s worse is that my niece has always looked up to me, but I’ve remained distant because of the guilt and shame of what I did to her. I’m not sure if she’ll ever remember what happened, but I hope she doesn’t so that she doesn’t suffer. I guess I’m just writing this to kind of get it out as I believe I’ve never gone into full detail about it with anyone and if anyone has any input or advice to share. Thank you, guys.

    #313501
    sofia
    Participant

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    I don’t know if anyone’s even going to see this but I remembered something from when I was a child that I feel a lot of guilt for. I think I was about 7 maybe, my sister (who was maybe 9 years old) and I were having a fight while we were raking leaves in the yard. I held up the rake and told my sister I was “going to kill her”, and I definitely was not, I was just mad, and I guess I was trying to scare her? I was just saying something stupid, she just responded with something like “no you’re not” and didn’t move at all. She was not threatened at all because I would NEVER actually do that or try to hurt her. I told my mom about it, and she just laughed and said she thinks nothing of it. Should I be feeling bad about this? Or was this just a dumb thing I said as a kid?

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by sofia.
    #322705
    SADBOY
    Participant

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    URGENT!

    Hello to whoever is reading this so I am 17 about to turn 18 and have a brother that is naturally quiet and 5 years younger than me. Ever since I was young about 8 I was always sexually minded due to the fact that me and my cousin that was around the same age used to experiment with Eachother when we were super young(elementary) . One day when I was in about 8th grade going into my freshman year I was playing video games with my little brother and remember coming back from the bathroom with my pants down just to be funny because of the weird relationship we had. We then would compete to see who’s was bigger which eventually led to us touching EACHOTHER and experimenting. I will confess that sometimes I would slightly instigate by showing my privates but the experimentation was both mutual. When we did this my brother was 9 and I was 14. These instances ended about the beginning to middle of my sophomore year. I remember the day when  we did it and after a while of us doing the act i felt regret and told him that we should stop doing it because it’s wrong. An hour passed and I apologized due to the fact that I should of been the big brother to protect him. I apologized so many times which he accepted and forgave me but I can’t get over what I exposed him to. There was no penetration or no forcing to do things and although experimental was mutuall I can’t but think about how this could affect him due to the fact of him being naturally quiet. I truly do care about him but I’ve been having so much trouble getting over it. It has been two years since the last time and he seems normal but sometimes I remember and I start to beat myself up for it. I just want someone to vent to and hopefully understand me. I want to forgive myself but it’s easier said than done. I truly regret it but just don’t know how to forgive and let go.

    Another instance was when two of my cousins came over. These cousins were the same age and in early elementary while I was in 8th grade. I remember touching myself around them and seeing if they wanted to experiment. They weren’t interested and I stopped and didn’t force nothing.

    Sometimes I think that I may of been going through puberty which I was which made me even more sexual than I already was, but I don’t like using that as an excuse because what I did was very wrong and I regret it. Since I stopped these experiments I have never felt any sexual feelings like that since and fell more regret for what I did. It scares me to think of the word pediphile or to categorize myself. I just need someone to tell me anything. I am tired of hurting for the stupid mistakes I have done. I know I was young but I am 17 now two years from what I did and I just need help. I feel like I understand more now because a year ago I was forcefully molesteD by a 40 year old and know how it feels to truly be raped. Although I never forced myself upon my brother I did experiment. And now have a deep sense of regret.

    #326261
    sofia
    Participant

    Hello SADBOY, I accidentally reported what you said as inappropriate content, I’m really sorry. I wanted to undo it but it isn’t letting me.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by sofia.
    #327065
    sparrow12345
    Participant

    hi im posting this because ive been feeling unreal amount of guilt about something i did when i was 12/13. Im now 16 almost 17 and for around two years i cant get over what i did as a child. I was beginning to explore masturbation and would read fanfictions of an animal book series i used to read (which i dont feel too bad about) and it got me curious over sex but i was too scared to watch humans having sex so instead i would search up animals mating and touch myself to it. It wasnt the fact of the animals that i was attracted to it was the acts of sex itself and exploring. i know that it was me just being curious and dumb. i didnt have malicious acts or never been attracted to animals of course and i never done anything to harm anything g or anyone and thats what my friends told me when i told them and that i was only young and didnt know what i was doing but i feel like a terrible person and that i will end up in prison for it when i didnt harm anyone. i just need reassurance please

    #327111
    Ryan
    Participant

    A few years ago (about 3 years ago) I made a extremely bad mistake. I had gotten sexual with my little sister I was about 13 and she was about 6. I didn’t really know what I was doing and I feel very bad and guilty and scared incase my sister remembers what happens. So every day I remember what happened and it makes me feel very guilty and bad.

    #334976
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi everyone.

    I am another new user to this forum, I did not originally come to share anything about my own past childhood mistakes, but rather to see if others have experienced the same terrible lapses in judgement I have and what advice was written to cope with it. I too have done immoral things and visited to help myself to accept what I did was wrong and not completely excusable over factors such as younger/teen years (because bad things we do will have consequences, especially if it goes against ethics and morality), and learning to live a healthier life to earn self forgiveness, move on, and to ultimately keep what I’ve done to myself due to the sensitivity of the topic.

    I agree with Anita that all of these things written, especially when you are responding to them overtime, can leave sour feelings in our stomachs. I am not here to shame anyone, I want to make that clear, after all we are imperfect creatures that are susceptible to falling into bad habits if we don’t watch ourselves and learn from previous pitfalls. I applaud the bravery of these posts, and the regret and shame everyone feels is a good sign that you have learned your lesson, understanding the psychological and legal consequences for such behaviors, and want to move forward.

    To seek for help and to be heard in any way you possibly can will help alleviate some of the pain that you feel. To seek that advice on what to do next shows you are taking steps to be a better person than you were in your elementary and/or teen years. I also applaud the people who have given comfort and insight to others who need it the most, however, a big part of getting over what we have done is being honest with ourselves. As Anita said, most experiences posted here are wrong in both a moral and legal sense, and we ultimately need to know better. This doesn’t mean doing wrong things will have us in a position where we are forever screwed and are unworthy of improving. From seeking therapy to confiding in self-care such as prayer can do wonders for our heavy heads and clouded minds, and I hope everyone here can come to accept their mistakes and feelings and learn to move on.

    Even though I have not shared any details as to what I’ve done, nor do I wish to anytime soon in order to keep my conscious clear, I want to thank everyone for their advice and honesty, especially people like Anita who has gone through an entire ocean of these to help address the pains and difficulties of the mistakes of others until they’ve decided no more. Without resources like these, most people would be forever lost on forgiving themselves and to let sleeping dogs lie, maybe not even learn their lessons. Being human is difficult, and if this forum teaches any future readers anything, it’s that we are not perfect and we all have things we regret, big or small. We are not the only people who have fuck-ups or skeletons in the closet, it’s simply the imperfect nature of human beings.

    We must treat ourselves well and always try and better ourselves to look forward in life, to keep rewinding the mental tapes and wishing what you did differently or wishing you can go back will ruin any chances of a brighter future. Some even argue that it’ll tempt us to go back to what we regret as some oddball effort to get our brains to stop thinking about it. Whatever the case, guilt is natural and necessary for most cases, and we have to learn to just accept what we did is wrong and irreversible and simply move on. There is especially nothing wrong with keeping highly sensitive subjects to ourselves, to keep it out of our future, healthier lives and not letting it wreak the havoc that we would enable it to.

    Writing my feelings and what I’ve learned from this thread without digging up the bad that I’ve done has helped bring an inner peace to myself, as well reassurance that I can grow and leave it all behind without suppressing natural feelings of guilt and pretending it didn’t happen. I’ve come to accept what I’ve done and I wrote this purely to share my insight and to show gratitude to you all for helping me win a battle I’ve been fighting for years, and surely other people’s battles. I have managed to lead a healthy life full of good people and good morals, and can see immoral/unethical things are wrong and have appropriate opinions of them without slapping a fat label on myself for mistakes I’ve moved on from, otherwise what would I have learned?

    Most importantly, thank you all for having the courage to share these haunting mistakes to get off of your chests and to exchange advice. Our mistakes do not define the people we are today if we learn and grow from these things. Change and forgiveness is possible, you still have many years of a potentially better life ahead of you, do not waste it stewing on what we can no longer control.

    #340864
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    I’ve been reading each story that people have posted here for the past month and been debating to share my story I seek advice. I don’t know how to start this conversation. I never had my mom nor my dad in the picture when I was a kid. My mom and dad split when I was around 4. My mom would never be home. My dad would be out. My mom and dad didn’t come in the picture until I was 10. Me and my brother got separated from my mom at age 10 due to her abuse Ex. Second time we got taken from my Mom she went to rehab to get better she got back with her ex after. A year pass we got back with my mom. I don’t blame them from what I wasn’t thought ass a child. But, I’ll start from the beginning of where it started and where I ended up at age 11 and a half. I was around 5 years or or less when I got touched by my cousin. I remember I needed help with my homework. He said I’ll help u but let’s go to the back ( backyard) I told him okay. We where in the back of the garage and he pulled out his private. He got my hand and placed it on his private. I was confused by what had happen I didn’t know what to do. Days pass and everyone started playing games and we started playing a stack game a person sitting on another I didn’t know what they meant. But I went along he sat me on his lap and I felt uncomfortable and got off. Days pass and I was with my cousin we where playing Barbie’s and I remember we played with both of my cousin and we started playing games. And they had us under a Blanket and I remember the same cousin who showed me his Private told me I was in his team we where under the blanket and I laid in the bed. I was confused but I didn’t know what to do. That was the last time anything sexual happen. Years pass around when I was 8 me and mom moved in with a friend her daughter and son and my other cousin would play games that where Not for kids and I didn’t know if it was wrong I never had mom in the picture nor my father. I thought it was normal for a kid. Other years pass and I move into another apt with my mom and her new boyfriend. I played with my friends from down stairs I remember playing sexual games with them to and I didn’t know if it was wrong. I was never talked about sex. With out dad nor mom in the picture I didn’t really know what I was doing. Years pass I start learning new things of my sexual feelings I never thought it was wrong until. I ruined myself. I remember when I was 11 and half almost 12 I was playing with my stepsisters and the youngest one will always do strange things in the floor. Where now I know she was humping the floor. She has told me she hears her mom and step dad do nosies at night and I remember she would always hump the floor. I remember her one time she got close with me and she stated humping my leg. And I got my strange feelings again. I didn’t know what to do but. I remember I kissed her. And she kissed me and she started humping<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>my leg again. I remember I discovered pornography and saw a video of two girls licking their privates. And I was curious of what it was and me and my step sister tired it I didn’t force her nor make her do it. Their was no forced nor threats made. That’s for sure. I remember that we did it in the restroom and after a min or 2 past we stoped. It felt wired so I stoped. And she stoped. I feel so shame for this and I feel like I ruined her childhood from this one mistake. Days pass and tries to hump my leg but I don’t do nothing I just back up from her. Days pass and I come across a video or pornography and this time I seen a video of a girl doing something with her had to another girl. I remember my curiosity led me to try it again but I did it with  my step sisters old sis it was a night and we where going to bed. I remember that I told her if she wanted to try and she said yeah. And no force nor threat happened we tired it and it didn’t less than a 1 I remember that we felt uncomfortable. After that I never did nothing sexual to no one. I felt shamed and bad for doing that in that age. I remember being scared and knowing I made a mistake that won’t leave my head.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>I never got to say sorry to them. Due to her dad abusing my mom. It kills me everyday I’m 17 and I have nothing but shame this all happen almost 6 years ago. I don’t think sexual about nothings. I am a person who won’t hurt no one. I see my self as a kind and loving person. I don’t hurt no one Im a person who is funny and always try’s to make everyone laugh when their having a sad day. The things I did In the past don’t define me. I’m scared I’m scared of my own self. I’ve had suicidal thoughts I went through a depression phrase as well. And I feel sick to my stomach when It comes to my head. I want to move on frI’m this.  I want to talk to someone about it. I feel like it’s eating me up from inside. I can’t be happy for a min cause it comes back to haunt me. I see everyone around me and I feel like I’m a monster. I cry my self to sleep thinking about it. I been depressed lately not wanting to go to school nor do work. I feel like a person who doesn’t deserves to be happy. I want to talk to my mom but I’m scared. I told her little thing that I did a childhood mistake she tells me I can open up to her but I feel shame. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I’m a happy person I’m always fighting for what’s right and wanting to change the world and chase my dreams but I feel like I’m hold back by my childhood mistakes I seek for advice. I’m sorry to everyone who is going to see this. I feel nothing but shame and sick to my stomach writing this and even talking about it.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by tinybuddha.
    • This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by tinybuddha.
    #343068
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    Hi. As im typing this im already feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. But i am full of regret and constantly feeling guilt over it so i feel i need to get this off my chest and could use some words to guide me. When i was younger probably around the age of 7-8 i found a stash of porn tapes. my brother who is a couple of years younger than me and i watched them in which we began to be curious. One day we were outside playing when i guess curiosity got the best of us and we climbed into our moms back seat of the car and looked at eachothers parts. i remember us rubbing our private parts against eachother but not actually doing anything. this was the only time anything like this happened with him and im constantly afraid of the idea he might remember it as i dont want to remember it. im so embarrased. as if this wasnt bad enough around 9 i started hanging around this girl who knew alot about that stuff and she was around 9 as well. she would talk my cousin who was a girl and 7 at the time to play house and the three of us lick eachothers parts. im honestly disgusted thinking back on how curiosity got the best of me and those around me. i feel like this horrible person for allowing these things and like there is something terribly wrong with me.  i feel like its constantly taking me back to my past. i have bad anxiety and depression. if this tells you how paranoid i am of this getting out, im terrified of going under Anesthetics or hipnosis of the fear someone will hear it and judge me as i am 27 years old now.

    #345106
    ayuda
    Participant

    Wow okay so this whole topic has been a bit of a god send for me which sounds bad to say but it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who has done things that they cannot explain and suffer tremendous guilt and shame for. There does not seem to be an outlet where people who have done these types of things to get any sort of relief. This plays further into the narrative of being evil or having something wrong with you. I don’t blame anyone either. I am finding it very difficult to accept myself.

    Basically I started some kind of awakening process sometime at the end of last year and from this I started going into my shadow. Before this I thought I didn’t have any traumas, or nothing really that would be the cause of why I am like I am today (anxious, feelings of worthlessness, depression, everything is pointless etc). I knew there was 1 thing in my life I was never proud of and brought me so much shame however I always brushed it off. In total there are 3 things I have done which I am really not proud of and I have never uttered a word of these things to anyone except maybe 2 months ago where I told my life coach (this would have seemed an impossibility a few months before this – it was something I thought I would carry to the grave…)

     

    Anyway. 3 events – event 1 I was always aware of, event 2 would ocassionally surface my mind maybe twice a year or something but it was very light and thus very easy to ignore on a direct level of awareness, and event 3 I guess I never really even thought about. Event 1 lead me to unlock 2, and then from 2 it went to 3 (essentially I unravelled the 3 things in my life I am aware of that cause me the most pain all at once – it was a living hell. Suicidal thoughts were very regular).

     

    Event 1.

    When I was maybe between the ages of 11-13, me and my brother (2 years older) started playing with each others penises and playing around etc. No penetration. See there is still shame with this but it feels like nothing in comparison to the other 2 as this was consensual and I could contact my brother and talk about this if I wanted to.

     

    Event 2.

    I was 13 I think, playing with my cousins as normal when I then touched my cousin’s backside as she was leaning over who is 10 years younger than me. This happened very quickly. I don’t know why I did it (it wasn’t planned). The whole thing was over in about 3 seconds. It’s like I saw her backside, touched it and then let go (she was fully clothed). This was not arousing as far as I can remember. I really have no idea what or why it happened – it feels like I just saw it and wanted to touch it. It is a very peculiar act. I think I can never understand it. As soon as it was over it was as if it just went straight into repression. I never actively thought about it again – it would only rarely surface, and very lightly, as mentioned.

     

    Event 3.

    So now this time I am 21, in the midst of a drug and binge eating habit, mind flooded with worthlessness, anxiety, depression, too scared to talk to people, it got so bad I could barely look my parents in the eye. Me, my friend and his girlfriend would be round my house taking drugs and spending a lot of time together. I remember starting to feel close with them. They essentially were saving me from being an anxious mess – it was really amazing to have people to connect with. They felt like a rope of safety in the mess I was in. So anyway one night we were sleeping in the same bed and I woke up, then tried to take the girl’s hand and move it onto my penis. I think instead I moved my friend’s hand. I then just moved and went back to sleep. For example of how deep this was buried – I woke up and talked to them like nothing happened. It felt instantly repressed. I don’t ever remember looking at them and thinking of it in the background. I even went to meet up with the girl recently, seemingly completely oblivious as to what I had done.

     

    I don’t want to make it sound like I am the victim here but I think this is all part of my process. There is a lot of ‘why me’ etc I am going through, alongside every other imaginable thought you could expect: I am gay, I am a pedofile, I am an abuser, I am evil, there is something inherently wrong with me, I have acted against humanity, I am a weirdo, I have to tell everyone I come into contact with what I have done, I am a liar, I am a fraud, I have hurt people, I cannot be trusted, I have brought shame on myself and my family, I have damaged my cousin and friend, I abused my position of power in my family.

    I know really that I am not any of those things, and that identifying with them just feels to be avoidance of owning up to what I have done, and accepting it. If I give in to any of those things or identify with them then what really is the point of anything? It does no-one any good to torment yourself all day everyday as I have been doing for as long as I can remember.

    I am nearing telling my family what I have done – all 3 of the events. There is the shadow in my family of my dad being angry and frustrated at everything, never talking. There is 0 emotional support from him. He just doesn’t know how. I have accepted this multiple times and actually held space to let his traumas pass through me. It feels nice to be a vessel for that and helped me build some compassion towards him. My mum is just constantly trying to keep the peace so that my dad doesn’t get angry (this is what I mean by shadow – it is sort of ignored. Never faced).

     

    I dunno – there seems to be something in me being completely honest, in showing that it is okay to be honest. And perhaps from me opening up this deep it will help my parents to open up themselves. I think that with me doing this it could potentially start them on their own journeys of looking at themselves more honestly. This is not something we do in our family. ‘Bad’ things are just ignored. For example; I used to have a very obvious drug habit – I once got found on the front doorstep scratching at the door to come in because I didn’t know how to work the key in the lock. I just got let in and neither of my parents said anything about it. I think my parents at some point just thought I was a lost cause – this is how it felt anyway. Like there was nothing they could do. I don’t want to come across like I am blaming them either – of course there are parts of me that do blame them, and parts of me that are completely understanding and know that they were just doing the best that they could and perhaps were not emotionally equipped to deal with such things (as I was).

    I am going to be very careful however and develop my communication so that it is effective in not causing unnecessary stress (my mother is very sensitive). I don’t think my parents could handle the idea of them being bad parents (I’m not saying they are but this will be the natural response I believe). I touched my mum’s sister’s daughter on the backside when she was really young. I mean there is abuse there from many perspectives, and for good reason. I can’t stop thinking about how innocent my cousin would have been at that age. I have cried a lot for this from many different angles. I had constant headaches for about a month, every day I would get in and cry for surviving work, and then cry because all I had to do was sit in my room meditating and feeling what felt like an endless stream of pain. My dreams would then be me drowning. It was horrible. But I commited to the healing process and I am removing my own pain so I can finally move through and open up. I know now that all of this pain and the tears are just the process of the old version of me dying. I really feel as though I am completely destroying myself to be reborn.

    I will tell my friends as well I think (from event 3).

    What gets me are questions such a:

    • Am I causing unnecessary pain by telling people?
    • Do I just keep this to myself for it is my pain?
    • What do I become after this is released?
    • Am I actually evil and my purpose here is just to completely destroy myself?
    • Am I just wanting to talk to relieve my own pain?
    • Who am I to open this up and bring my family to an uncomfortable place where they are forced to question everything about themselves and me?

     

    My intuition flows between ‘everything is okay, you can sit with this pain, love it and heal it’ but also I am being guided to reveal. I really have no idea. I am in a pretty twisted state. Overall the second and third events total probably about 9 seconds of my life which I only thought about recently – not that this downplays the things but it’s just crazy in terms of how much I have lived outside of this (I’m 29).

    I have issues with relationships, always feel bad like there is something wrong with me, I can’t be trusted, I am tricking people, I just want to get away from people. I easily let friends disappear from my life for months because they simply do not cross my mind. Everything in my life in fact just feels like something I distract myself with until it bores me. I have been going around in circles my entire life and now it feels as though I have caught the culprit of all of this pain and it is time for this person to face reality.

    I have always thought that I was emotionally numb – unable to feel love or any emotion in full depth. Well this changed towards the end of last year through meeting a girl who basically made me feel high for months. I felt golden streams of energy entering my heart when we first kissed – it was immense. Since this I really felt my body opening up to emotions a lot more. I was feeling everything in the highest degree and this then increased through shadow work and meditations. I have also felt what I can only describe as energetic sensitivities, ie feeling energy pulsing through my body, moving this with my hands and feeling it from others. Through my own work it is my assumption that I am highly sensitive and my body has simply shut down all emotions and sensitivities to a manageable level because I don’t know how to deal with this level of pain.

    There has to be something at the end of all of this. I want to tell my story but there is too much shame and confusion. There has to be a way for me to help others.

     

    Can anyone help me with their thoughts? One thing I am aware of is that my perspectives may be detrimental to growth or not entirely correct because of my own low self value and potentially ‘damaged’ view of myself.

    #349376
    ayuda
    Participant

    Looks like this thread might be dying so if anyone needs to talk please message me or get me on Reddit as drayuda.

    It’s possible to ease this off to the point it does not bother you (integration) also does not simply get repressed so it continues as an insidious aspect of yourself for the rest of your life.

    #349430
    anita
    Participant

    Dear ayuda/ member:

    If you want, you can go back on this thread to where I posted and explained why I don’t feel comfortable (and why I believe it is a bad idea) to communicate with members here, on a public forum, on the topic that runs through many posts here.

    ayuda: if you want to start your own thread on the matter of your relationships with your parents and all issues other than your sexual conduct as a child, please do. You can copy and paste parts of your posts here into a new thread. If you do that, I will be glad to communicate with you there.

    anita

    #350958
    benia
    Participant

    Hello. i’m currently 17 years old, and i’ve been dwelling on things i’ve done in the past. One has particularly been bothering me. When i was 14, i’d have my step- brothers (9-10) scratch my back because it was itchy and my mom used to scratch my back and is no longer in my family anymore, so i didn’t think it was weird for them to scratch my back cuz they are my family. but i remember on a few occasions my brother would want to touch my chest, and id kind of tell him to scratch my sides to see if he’d get close to doing it but he wouldnt (nor did i really want him to.) but i remember one time he did, and it’s my fault for leading him on to do it. i’m so uncomfortable thinking about that. i still had him scratch my back after that and he’d still try to do it, but i’d put my arms around my sides so he couldn’t. after i got older, i grew out of that. its been bothering me so much. i feel like a creep, and that i don’t deserve to be happy. i’m in a very happy relationship, but the thought is nagging at me, reminding me that the first person to touch my chest was my brother, not my boyfriend. however, he only touched them on the outside of my shirt, and i didn’t think much of it afterwards until recently, because i’ve had a lot of time to think on past mistakes.

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