June 1, 2019 at 1:13 am #296707
I know you pay not see or reply, but I just wanted to give an update of my Situation. I told my boyfriend who to my surprise laughed! He was so unfazed by it and was completely non judgmental. It was your advice of telling him but not like a confession that gave me the boost I needed. So thank u for that
lots of love
zaraJune 7, 2019 at 4:04 am #297783
i’m not really sure this is active but i’m hoping to get a response.
i cannot believe i’m writing this on here for the current amount of overwhelming shame i feel but after reading this entire thread, and seeing that other people have experienced similar situations. i made an account & i simply feel the need to share because i don’t want me/anyone else reading this to feel alone.
i must’ve been around the age of 6-8. my siblings and cousins use to live in the same house. we’re all around the same age no more than a few years apart (3 boys 2 girls) and one day, we found some of my uncles porn collection in the bottom drawer underneath all the clothes. i remember one night my aunt & uncle went out for their typical date night and my cousin decided that we were all going to watch one of the videos after they left. not long after the car left the driveway my cousin put the dvd in and we all sat and watched. marveling as to what was going on. i remember thinking something along the lines of, “whoa… cool” because i had never seen something like that before. we were completely oblivious as to what sex was. and after a short while of watching the film, we turned it off just incase my aunt & uncle came back early..
this probably caused a spark of curiosity in our minds and is entangled in my deepest regret but (a few weeks or months later i can’t remember) me and my other male cousin, me being the youngest, and him the second youngest were closest and decided to try out some of the things we saw on the video simply out of curiosity [god this is so painful to write it has seriously already been about 2 hours of typing just because how many pauses i had to take] …so while the only adult home at the time was taking a shower we went underneath the covers in the room and sort of compared our private parts and touched them together. a little bit after that we performed some things on each other (no penetration was made) for maybe a few minutes and that was it. we decided to stop and go out of the room and do something else before my dad gets out of the shower. there was no abuse or anything, nothing forceful, it was just like experimenting, it was only one time. after i could remember feeling that we had done something that we weren’t suppose to. like “only adults should do that” so felt i needed to hide it. cuz i knew they’d be upset.
well fast forward maybe 4-5 years and the memory of that day came up when i was in class maybe, 7th or 8th grade. i remember feeling regret but really only lasting a few minutes. i can remember thinking “oh let’s forget about that, i didn’t know any better and it was a mistake” oddly enough, i kinda did. until i was 17. so another 4-5 years pass and that memory came up again, as i was watching a comedian. he had said something and BOOM out of the blue it just got triggered and resurfaced. I got up and walked outside in a panic and deep feeling of regret and shame. i had gotten panic attacks quite a few times before but felt like only weed activated it. [that’s a discussion for another day] anyways, for maybe about 2-3 months after i was constantly thinking about the memory. which gave me pretty bad anxiety but nothing particularly overwhelming. i was still able to function throughout the day for the most part even with the constant intrusive thoughts and feelings. during those few months i remember taking up reading, i read a lot of books to sort of distract my mind from going haywire which actually helped out, before i knew it i felt like myself again.
shortly after my 21st birthday i fell into a really really horrific state of mind i got severe panic attacks nearly 10-15 times a day and slumped deep into depression. i thought to myself “what could possibly make me feel this way” and again, that repressed painful memory of that day arose which fueled everything. making everything oh so horrible. i couldn’t do anything. i was completely stuck. it felt like forever. i would be hanging out with friends googling “how to’s” and “tips for depression & anxiety” i didn’t feel like engaging in anything. everything felt like it was crumbling around me. i lost interest in everyone and everything. i told my mom how i was feeling and she recommended a therapist but i really couldn’t tell her [or anyone for that matter] exactly why i was feeling that way. just too ashamed. too guilty. i ended up seeing the therapist and i instantly told him everything. he just kinda nodded at everything i’d say offering no insight or perspective. no comfort. after my first session was over i felt a bit of relief just knowing that someone else on earth besides me and my cousin knows about what happened but wasn’t really comfortable going back to him, i also didn’t really wanna go back for fear of reactivating pain. it took a handful of long dreadful months for my symptoms to start to dissipate but in time my ruminations stopped, anxiety calmed, and depression slowly seemed to lift.
I’m now 24 years old and stuck in the same exact familiar loop. the awful feelings of shame, and constant brooding about the incident. i’m planning an appointment to see a trauma therapist asap hoping to free myself of this pain. but in the meantime i felt the need to post this for some guidance and maybe for anyone else that has a similar story