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Letting go of Childhood mistakes?

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  • #351990
    Lalum
    Participant

    Dear Delirium and whoever

    I had sorta the same experience as yours during my childhood years.  I also let my dog lick me inappropriately and i absolutely felt disgusted after and I stopped. It never went farther then licking, the dog wasn’t negatively affected either. Remembering about it now more clearly has hit me harder then ever. I’ve felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. I feel unclean, and that i need to be punished for it. It’s been so bad to the point where I’ve felt like hurting myself over it and a bit suicidal. It’s been a few years since the incident and trying to forgive myself, but i can’t. I don’t know how to let go of the past, and be able to live in the present.

    I’m in therapy right now for anxiety and depression and I don’t know if  I should tell her. I don’t know if I would feel comfortable telling her because it’s random? I don’t know. I just want to be able to live my life being good and having positive thoughts. I’ve wanted to tell my best friend this but it’s just one of the things she doesn’t need to know so I came on here. Im just panicking inside my head because, I don’t want to be looked at differently. Im so disgusted by my actions as a kid. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy and to have people care about me. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore, it’s just making my thoughts worse and worse by the day.

    #352594
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Here we go,

    I’m in my mid twenties now. When i was younger, we moved into a new neighborhood for about two years. My uncle and aunt and cousin lived in the same neighborhood so we were always going over to theirs and visa versa. I was about 11/12 when I began to experiment on my cousin who was around 6. I have suffered anxiety and depression over this and scheduled my first therapist session next week. We were left alone a lot.  I remember watching porn at the time. Awful, I know. I can recall around 5/6 instances in which these things happened. However, I’m not sure if I just can’t remember the other times that occurred or if it was only the 5 or 6 times. We lived there for 2 full years…could it have been more than just 5/6 times that I remember? I feel like a true monster. Here’s what we did. I remember us kissing in her room, another time kissing in the bathroom, licking my breast, kissing in the pool, and this last memory is so hazy but I think she might have rubbed me down there. These memories all sting so very much. I can’t help but wonder if there was any more times. This hurts me to my core and I’ve completely broken down. I’m not sure how I will ever get over this. Our parents were so naive and never caught us. No violence involved, but I definitely manipulated her since she was a lot younger. We’re still family and although I don’t see her often, our parents do because we’re family. I’m hopeless. Am I a monster for having it us do it more than just once?

    #353884
    dyaln
    Participant

    Well lets start this off

    when i was 14-15 i cant really remember i was really really lonely and had a lot of sexual desires and i started off watching porn at a young age around like 10 and was always wanting to have sex but when i was around 14 to 15 i had a cousin and i dont know why but i dry humped her at least 3 times and i dont know why i did it and now i am hurting so bad and i feel horrible like awful and one time i touched her in her private area but she said dont so i did stop and i dont know why i felt like this and i was not thinking at all and i feel so bad and my stomach hurts and i have bad anxiety so this makes it worse and i dont know what to do i need help and i am gonna try to stop masturbating today to see if that helps with anything i want to say sorry but i am way to ashamed of what might happen i pray every night for forgiveness can anyone talk to me i know what i did was the worse thing ever and i am sorry so very sorry for what i did and i feel like hurting my self i am a horrible person but want to let go of the past and feel at least some what normal and not feel like this please someone reply to this please

    #355192
    Don
    Participant

    VAfter reading people childhood experiences I realise it is not just me that has done something they regret and wish they could erase from there memory. When I was around 10-12, I asked someone younger than me if he wanted to touch my penis when they did so I asked them if they enjoyed it and they just nodded.. after that I stopped and can’t remember anything else in  particular from that  period let alone day I know what I have done is wrong from an adult perspective and I am not making excuses because I don’t feel like I should, I didn’t even know about sex or masturbation at that age. I don’t know why all of a sudden this has started entering my mind again but it is stopping me being happy and all I can think is ” why did I do it, this is going to be on my mind forever” some days I don’t have a thought about it but when I do I get a panic feeling and just want to lay in bed and not exist. I don’t know what to do, I can’t talk to any family or friend as I’m terrified they’ll see me as a monster

    #356492
    Jay
    Participant

    I’ve been fighting with myself for a while about what I did when I was a kid. This haunts me to this day and I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to tell my mom so bad but I don’t know how I would even start to tell her. This thing lingers and destroys my happiness everyday. It won’t let me become the person I want to be. I feel as if I’m trapped and won’t be accepted if I ever tell anyone what I did. I keep telling myself that I’m a different person but it’s not helping. It’s the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up. Sometimes I look forward to sleeping just to forget. I just pray things get better and that I’ll build up the courage to tell someone and be happy again. I lobe distracting myself with friends and hobbies but once I’m all alone my mind just constantly reminds myself of my past. This traumatic thing I did has also caused me to have lots of intrusive thoughts or unwanted thoughts. I just really hope I can one day be happy and live life without looking back ever again.

    #356754
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jay/Member:

    “I want to tell my mom so bad but I don’t know how I would even start to tell her. This thing lingers and destroys my happiness everyday”- if like member after member in this thread, what you have to tell is a list of sexual acts that you performed as a child or a teenager involving children and animals, acts that you regret- a public forum such as this is not the place for such telling. The issue is too sensitive to share publicly with anyone and everyone who may be reading this. You need to share what you did privately, with a mental health professional such as a counselor or a psychotherapist.

    If you don’t know how to arrange for that, tell your mother or your father that something is troubling you a lot and you don’t feel comfortable telling them. Ask either one to arrange an appointment for you with a professional as soon as it is possible.

    anita

    #356892
    Jay
    Participant

    Ok I’ll try, but everything’s closed right now.

    #356907
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jay:

    You wrote regarding psychotherapy: “everything’s closed right now”. Some therapists offer phone therapy sessions. Many therapists offer online therapy sessions through video conference aka teletherapy.

    If you choose teletherapy, download and test the software you will be using before sessions, close other programs so that they don’t slow down or interfere with the sessions, close email, and turn off notifications that could be distracting. Have the teletherapy in a place in your home where you have privacy. Place your computer screen on a stable surface, like a desk, and see to it that you sit comfortably in front of the screen, relax for five minutes before a session.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #356957
    TheSolution
    Participant

    Dear Hope, there is a way out there always is. You can be free from guilt and shame that you feel and move on. I know it sounds impossible, but I am free from the guilt and shame I have from a very devastating memory like yours. I do have remorse for it happening, but it’s not a consuming everday guilt that I constantly ruminate over day after day. Of course I have guilt, and that’s good, but I’ve gotten over it. I am a strong believer in Jesus Christ. I know it sounds stupid, but that is the only thing that has set me free. My mom prayed over me for an entire month as I was bed ridden and had manic attacks of guilt and shame. I was literally crying non-stop all day long, and even had suicidal thoughts about taking my life, and my family had to watch me very closely. So if I can get free, you can get free.

    #356955
    TheSolution
    Participant

    Dear Lalum and everyone on here. I have a similar experience to you all, and I have overcame it. You can get to a place where you have little to no shame or guilt with yourself. Do not fret, for there is a solution to this pain and suffering. Trust me, I had a bad memory come up like the ones you mention, and I was bed ridden for almost a month. My mom thought I was having a mental break down, and I practically was. I had suicidal thoughts to the highest level, I didn’t have any moment of rest. I mean none! I couldn’t function without sleeping all day, my family thought I was going to die. But I figured out what worked for me, and I was able to come to a place where I have no anxiety, guilt, or shame. And it does not involve denial, I know completely what I did, but I have moved on in my mind it is possible guys!

    #357416
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    Okay this is gonna be hard to write I might delete it later.

    there are 3 events I feel bad about event 1 is the worst event 3 is one I don’t feel too bad but still had about

    event 1:

    when I was 11 I got this urge to kiss my cousin as he tried to sleep I did it and I liked it unaware what it meant to do something like that I did it and I ended up doing this 5 times in total to him and one time even touched him there and sucked him off for around 30 ish seconds I was curious at the time I had never threatened him or forced him to do anything I sorta waited till he was asleep which was even worse and now I feel extremely bad it’s been on my mind constantly and I feel terrible about it I’ve seen my cousin multiple times after I did this and we always seem to be fine but I still will always feel bad it was roughly around 3-4 years ago also one time when I did it I tried to get a video that was this hypnosis that was like trying to make you sleep on YouTube I think he saw his and faked sleeping but I just feel so sick about it and I have been for around 2 months now

    event 2

    when I was also 11 some family friends came over I used to do this game called ‘torture’ which sounds so horrible but it wasn’t anything too bad I guess so I used to hold him down and restrain him to sit on my lap I mainly did this cause it was funny and we both laughed about it and it felt slightly good both times he came to my house and I did it when he came over however when he said to stop doing it cause he didn’t like it I stopped and never did it again I still feel slightly bad about it

    event 3

    when I was about 9-10 my sister was about 4 or 5 anyway I used to just play with the water and her kiddy toys in the bath one time I got the urge to touch her so I did but it was on the side of her leg and it was so brief as soon as I even came into contact I pulled away and stopped I didn’t even feel anything and it was more above my index nail  either way I stopped and I felt disgusted and I left the bathroom and I’ve never done anything like that to her ever again

    those are all the bad things I’ve done I’ve been feeling really bad about it and whenever I hear the word rapist it just triggers me makes me feel like a terrible person and I don’t really know if I’m a terrible person but I vowed ever since then to never do anything like I did when I was a child and I haven’t but the guilt can be so unbearable sometimes I feel like I’m a bad person I hope anyone has any advice

     

     

    #357345
    Mel
    Participant

    I’m realizing now at age 32 what has been depleting my energy levels for over 15 years.
    I began watching porn very young (11?) because I had an older brother who apparently didn’t close all the windows on our 1998 computer.
    every night I’d sneak down to watch the most horrifying things imaginable because at that time the internet was completely open. I didn’t search for the horror it was just the options we had.
    the things I saw scared me but I also became addicted. I developed OCD shortly after and inferiority complex to boys. I thought men were evil from then on and that women were worthless. During this time I was attending shut her every Sunday and church school during the week and at church , women weren’t mentioned much either. “Father, son, Holy Spirit”. Ok. But where are women. Where did I fit in?
    I felt so alone during this time and so guilty for watching pornography because I knew it was wrong but was also a child so I couldn’t quite comprehend it either. Anyway, every night I’d tell God I didn’t feel good and it was because I knew the porn was bad but I became addicted and kept watching. Over the weeks and months of nightly watching and sake night repenting and promising I’d never do it again I developed a few mental disorders.  The guilt has been the worst part. This guilt was compounded in my emotional physical body until now. This guilt stole so much joy and life from me. I’ve calculated now that I have slept (avoidance) half half or more of my life away just to get away from the intrusive thoughts / guilt.
    I now realize that despite my ability to sing in front of hundreds of people and have lead roles all through high school, my self esteem and trust and reliance on myself was nonexistent. The guilt just keeps coming too! I did this to myself!
    How now do I release this new guilt of plaguing my own life?!
    I despise the porn industry and will love to see the day it burns in hell. It brought me hell.
    unril this day me nor my therapists , doctors could figure out WHY my health has been so awful and energy levels very low.
    im depressed thinking about what I have created for myself.

    #357315
    Jack
    Participant

    Thesolution   what happened to you? sorry, i wish there was a was to private message people on this site, instead of spamming the page.

     

    #357457
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mel:

    I share some of your feelings about the porn industry and wish it didn’t exist. If you would like to communicate with me further, will you start your own thread? If so, please copy your post above, go to Forums at the top of the page, click and choose one of the categories, scroll down to the empty boxes, fill in a title for your thread and paste the copied post into the space provided.

    anita

    #357724
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello everyone I have finally let go of my mistakes I made as a child I feel like to move on I need someone to remove my comment cause I am unsure on how to delete them reading everyone’s comments and everything made me feel really good and made me know I’m not a bad person so if anyone could, could you tell me how to delete the comment I made or if anyone else could delete it for me thank you

Viewing 15 posts - 226 through 240 (of 256 total)

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