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Letting go of Childhood mistakes?

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  • #357767
    Helena
    Participant

    I am 17 years old right now and for a month straight I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts. I’ve started to come out of it now but I’ve really struggled.

    when I was 12 I was sexually abused by a man online who I was terrified of. He told me he was into dogs and told me to let my dog try and lick me. I let my dog for about a minute and felt disgusted and pushed it away. I forgot about it after a while but it’s really been affecting me.

    #358058
    Shell
    Participant

    Hi.

    I did something really, really bad a couple of years ago and I can’t stop thinking about it lately. I feel like if I don’t stop recalling it, I’ll have to kill myself, I can’t live with the guilt anymore. I’m a terrible person because of this and I think I have ruined my life and possibly other’s, too.

    In 2015 or 2016, I was about 11 years old. All throughout my childhood I’ve had an unlimited and unsupervised amount of internet access. I don’t know how I came across it, but I would watch videos of people kissing and I would try to show it to my friends. I don’t think that part is that bad, but it gets worse. As the years went on, I discovered pornography and would watch videos sometimes. I was just very curious about sexual things because my parents never brought that topic up. I’m not trying to blame them for anything, the things I am about to say are my fault. I don’t remember how it started, but in fourth grade I used to sneak to the bathroom during school to kiss another girl in my class. We did that a couple of times and never got caught. I wanted to know what kissing felt like, and I didn’t know a boy that would do it with me. It was only kissing. In the years after that, I got more and more curious about sexual things. My mom started to babysit a couple of kids for a few years. One day, I got home from school and had to watch one of the kids while my mom went to pick up the other kids from school. I was curious about how the girl (she was only 2 I believe) would react if I touched her vagina. I touched it for about two seconds and she looked confused. I stopped and went about my day. Again, I was 11 at the time and she was 2. I can’t stop thinking about how terrible of an act that was. I have no idea what I was thinking. My mom doesn’t babysit anyone anymore, so I don’t know how the child is doing. I could never bring up the courage to apologize even if i had the chance. I’m such a bad person.

    When I first discovered the kissing videos, I kissed my brother and sister. I think they forgot about it, they were both very young. I’m 14 now, and I would never do any of the things I just said. I was such a stupid kid. I don’t know why I thought these things were okay. I have changed completely after those events. I can’t forgive myself. After writing this though, I feel a little better. I know what I did was disgusting. I’m so sorry to the people reading this.

    #358143
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Helena and Shell:

    I believe that the topic you brought  up (sexual activities during childhood/ teen age involving other children and/ or animals) is not appropriate to be discussed on a public forum. The appropriate place to discuss this is in the privacy of a psychotherapist/ counselor’s office where you can get the help that you need. Please seek professional help as soon as is possible for you.

    anita

    #358487
    Jack
    Participant

    I’ve been reading this forum topic for quite a while. i’ll admit that it’s relieving to know that there’s so many people out there with similar circumstances and that you’re not alone.   At the same time it’s probably wise to consider doing therapy on this.  But i guess it’s really hard to talk about these kinds of things because it’s so rare and specific.  This forums probably the closest thing people have to talk about this stuff with other like them.  Also it wouldn’t surprise me if people avoid talking to irl people about this because they are terrified of being judged or locked up.

    #359033
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    Ok, so, a bit of background information about this before I get started.

    When I was 9, I had touched my little brother while changing his diaper. I felt guilty about this and confessed this to my mom at 13, to which she  replied that it was normal and I had nothing to worry about.

    Now, the second incident. It happened when I was again 13, just months before the whole confession. I had been masterbating when my now five year old little brother exclaimed that his mouth hurt. So, I did the only thing I could do at that time, dug inside to see what was the problem. Then I remembered where my hands had been shortly before and I quickly took them out. I panicked and quickly washed out his mouth and washed my hands and thought nothing of it, until now. I feel disgusting and ashamed, and the worse part is, I don’t know how to confess this. “Hey mom, when I was 13, I masturbated and then touched  inside my five year old brother’s mouth! Hope you understand!” She would completely disown me, regardless if it was an accident or not. My mother is a very clean person and to know that her daughter did this would be inexcusable. She would abandon me, and to be honest, I would not blame her. I apologized to my brother, (whose oblivious to the whole situation), and have tried to connect with him again. I’m the oldest of five, but yet I’m the one to cause the most harm. I feel as though I don’t deserve my family or their love, but I’m too scared and disgusted to confess. What do I do?

     

     

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by tinybuddha.
    #359044
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Jack,

    Honestly, I feel the same. Even if I cannot confess just yet, it still feels like some weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt lost and lonely, and reading this thread has made me feel a lot better, regardless of how bad my actions were. It makes me feel like I’m not the only person in the world who does messed up and bad things, like I’m not the only one suffering from guilt and shame. It makes me feel as though once I face the consequences of my actions, I’ll do it bravely  and without fear or regret, no matter how bad or unbearable the punishment. I’ll be ready to take it all, rather it be my parents disowning me or abandoning me, or going to hell for my actions. I’ll face it all, if it means I’m atoning for my sins.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by tinybuddha.
    #359939
    Jenny44
    Participant

    Hi to everybody on this thread.

    I just wanted to talk with you all. I too suffer with a haunting memory from my childhood which I have almost forgiven myself for.

    The thing holding me back is the worry that what if the police come to my door?! I worry constantly to the point I cannot function. Do any of you guys worry over this and I did not read anyone mention it. Are the police concerned with these kind of childhood mistakes from many years back?

    #359948
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jenny44:

    I don’t want to read or discuss the particular “haunting memory” that you are referring to, assuming it is about sexual gestures or activities between children. My comment to you is in regard your fear that the police will come to your door. You can research and come up with legal information regarding whether what you remember having done is a crime (a conduct that is prohibited by law and has a specific punishment prescribed by law), or not.

    If you find this information (online, in a law library, or by making an appointment with a criminal lawyer), and your worries are unfounded, then you will feel better, I am guessing.

    If not, consider talking about this with a professional psychotherapist.

    anita

    #359949
    Jenny44
    Participant

    My thing is, all children do stupid things. It’s part of the nature of being a child. Children are not allowed to vote, drive a car ect for the very fact they are a child.

    Maybe these actions on this thread are a crime if they had been committed by an adult but where would the law stand on children – not yet grown on these things

    #359951
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jenny44:

    “where would the law stand on children”- make an appointment with a criminal lawyer who specializes in juvenile delinquency aka juvenile offending,  including juvenile sex crimes, and find out. It will cost you some money, but I think it will be worth the cost.

    Keep in mind the concept of statue of limitation (law that has a time limit after which a person may not be tried for a crime).

    anita

     

     

    #360456
    ayuda
    Participant

    Hi Anita/all,

    Certainly, I understand why you said for people to seek help and I also understand your position on answering things of this type.

    This being said, this is a very important resource for many people. Honestly, it is like a godsend. I can’t explain the isolation and strong intrusive of thoughts. It is really overwhelming and strong.

    It brought me to scarily suicidal states many times where that felt like the only answer. I thought I was a paedophile for a long time and I thought, ‘what is better for my family? For their son to become this or for me to die?‘ I started cutting myself and had growing urges to do this more and more but stopped myself through telling my partner and then making a commitment that I would not hurt myself until I reached my partner (she lives in another country). I knew I would not do it by that point anyway.

    ^^Once these states were reached consistently and were my reality (with no sign of hope) I finally reached out to a psychiatrist whom I have been in contact previously. He’s explained some things, which to be fair I already did think, but hearing it back from a professional, hearing it back from somebody in real words just really helped to settle me.

    I have been doing a lot of work on myself over these past 7 months and certainly have a lot of information and resources to share in tackling these things, or any elements of guilt and shame. I will share these below.

    However yes just to outline how pivotal this thread can be… I didn’t have any capacity to speak about anything to anyone for months and months. It was very damaging for me and I was really going totally crazy.

    Luckily I was able to slowly reach out to certain people (a life coach, my partner, and then random people online). Random people was the first step. Just to see that I was not the only one. Shame is an extremely isolating emotion.

    Still it didn’t really matter too much that other people have done similar things because well, really it doesn’t. It’s all about how you see yourself.

    Not that it’s really too necessary to say but I had a form of awakening last year – either Kundalini or a form of shaktipat (can’t tell, probably can never know for sure but I’ve had many opinions). This is essentially why I went so crazy. Everything I repressed just came rushing to the surface. I was flooded with blissful waves of energy, and then on the downsides it was pure hell.

    I am actually feeling okay these days. Thoughts are very distant to me and seem to hold no power. Sure they come back every now and then and I am still working with anger and frustration but these are just more layers to shed through.

     

    Okay so some things I have been doing over the past 7 months to help with these things:

    • Professional help. A life coach can really help you learn tools and develop better ways to function but a psychiatrist can get right into helping you to understand from a different perspective. It is difficult for sure. But it can also be very effective.
    • Self-love meditations (many different types of these). The idea is to love yourself regardless of anything you have done in your life.
      • Look up Christina Lopes on Youtube (letting go of the past & guilt and shame – 2 separate videos). These helped me so much. The idea she has of writing letters to complete the process of releasing the guilt is very effective. Keep doing this. Don’t just do it once (unless you feel it is really finalized.
      • Sitting with yourself, hand on heart and/or wherever you feel emotional pain. Deeply feel into these areas and lovingly say things to yourself such as ‘I deeply love, honour and accept myself. I love myself exactly as I am in this moment’. A thought comes to remind you of your pain? Say something like ‘I see this thought, it’s okay for it to be here. Regardless of these thoughts I still love, honour and accept myself’.
    • EFT tapping. Wow. Really go to town here. Scary? Don’t want to say the thoughts out loud? That’s a good sign to go and do it! I cried every time I did it daily for 2 weeks. It just really set me off and I shed a lot.
    • Journaling. Again really go to town. And the same thing of fear applies. Let everything out onto paper. Throw it away/delete if you want after.
      • I also found that it’s good to write down things you are grateful for positive views of what you’ve written just so you are not leaving totally negative as sometimes I found that writing made me feel much worse. However this is all part of the process nonetheless.
    • Meditation. You need to experience that your thoughts only have power over you if you give them power. Mindfulness meditation is very powerful for this. Look up ‘no self-meditation’ in youtube for one by Joseph Goldstein. There are also meditations for intrusive/OCD thoughts.
    • Self-affirmations. As much as possible.
    • Mirror work. Look yourself in the eyes and say things you are proud of doing, things you commit yourself to, and things you forgive yourself for. Hold different parts of your body (especially those you usually don’t like so much) and tell yourself why you love these parts. Imagine it is someone you really love and you are trying to make them feel good. You will feel that there is a true sense of love for your body. This is maybe a bit off-topic but I can assume that there is a lack of love overall for most of you here.
    • Gratitude journal. Really really go in here. Sure, you ‘have’ these negative things to ‘work through’ but life should not just be a focus on all of the things that bring you guilt and shame. I’ve done this and it ended with me on the floor with a raazor blade lol. You are totally worthy of being happy. You can have guilt and shame and be happy at the same time. If you love and are grateful to have this process (you will be so much stronger at the end) then you can begin to find some gratitude for the things you are feeling and experiencing.
    • Congratulate and praise yourself as much as possible, even for little things. Imagine that you are encouraging a friend or a child. Your inner child may be key here.

     

    This whole process is about loving yourself, letting go of guilt and shame, realizing you have control, taking it back, embracing all. Lovingly letting go of everything you no longer need. Take full responsibility of your life and your wellbeing. (This is a good affirmation/prayer too).

    Remember that focusing on the negative fuels the negative. You have to be ready to let this go and step into love. Lovingly hold this pain and let it know that it is loved and safe exactly where it is but also that it is loved and safe outside of this place, and that it can grow into greater love and safety with you in your field of conscious awareness. (Or words to this effect). I find that these things need to be held lovingly, released lovingly, into love. If they don’t feel safe then this can cause resistance.

    Seriously guys I’m by no means an expert and I’m still undergoing a process here myself but if you want to talk just reach out to me here or on credit (I mentioned this in my previous post – username: drayuda). No-one deserves to be endlessly tortured. No-one benefits from this really apart from you and how amazingly strong you will be at the end. (This doesn’t mean to keep doing it!)
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    #360502
    anita
    Participant

    Dear ayuda:

    Reads to me that you did a lot of work to heal yourself. It is generous of you to share what you learned and what works for you. I hope members read and benefit from the information you shared. I am glad that you didn’t share in your recent post any sexual details.

    I am asking you, as you post in this and other public forums, to not share and to not encourage other people to share sexual details if children (or animals) are involved. It is irresponsible to do so on a public forum because you don’t know who is reading these shares. Some people may be sexually stimulated by such details which may lead them to abuse children.

    You can share and encourage others to heal without sexual details. The context for sharing such details is in a private, professional setting. I hope that you agree with my input here and pass it on to others.

    anita

     

    #360531
    ayuda
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your reply and for your kind words.

    I didn’t actually consider that myself and can see it is an important factor. There is the case here, that I certainly felt, of just confessing and throwing it out into the internet for all to see. Ridding myself of some of the guilt. It is kind of irresponsible in a way but also a very desperate attempt at feeling even the tiniest bit of relief. I remember feeling a constant pressure and pain on my body. It felt as though there were daggers going in my head. A red alert alarm on overdrive all day. It really was pure hell.

    If I had gotten help at that time I would likely have saved myself a lot of suffering but I just couldn’t do it. The shame was too great. I could barely write down what I did. Now I am openly talking about it. It’s strange (I’m almost 30) and I never thought I would even think about these things – I barely even recognized they existed as they were so deeply buried.

     

    I think it can be difficult to operate rationally however, as the people who post here seem to have obsessive thinking and a negative self-image. I remember I was very much in a black or white, life or death type of thinking.

     

    ‘I must tell everyone everything about this or I am tricking them and I am evil. When I do tell people they can see how worthless I am’

    ^This was a very prevalent thought system I was operating from.

     

    But for sure I agree. Professional help is the number 1 thing here that we all should be doing. Making those steps can be very scary as you don’t know how people will react. I am certain it doesn’t get more taboo than the subject of the things described in this thread, thus it is also very isolating.

    As I mentioned above too, it took me going to some very dark places over and over again before I finally started to see that my life was mostly just stress and pain all day. Something hit me to think ‘this is not a nice way to live. How can I live like this?’

    I am also very lucky to have a psychiatrist who is well versed in Eastern & Western medicine so he takes a holistic view and really strives to understand who an individual is, in order to ‘cure’ the sickness. I have never seen a ‘normal’ psychiatrist however I can’t imagine that they are educated in this way or even allowed to have this type of approach.

    He is certainly not going to just feed me medication to ease symptoms. There is support and encouragement to reach the source of whatever all of this is (there is something beyond the things I did) rather than just treat the surface level items.

    Sorry I like to blab!

    #360534
    anita
    Participant

    Dear ayuda:

    You are welcome and I am glad to read that you agree that it is irresponsible to detail on a public forum sexual activity where children are involved. We have to protect those who can’t protect themselves before we help ourselves.

    Because this thread is full with such details, I don’t want to keep replying here, and in so doing, keep the thread visible.  Here is what I suggest: consider starting your own thread, you can call it any title you choose (Letting go of Childhood mistakes- part 2, can be such a title, you decide), and in it describe your experience (without said details) asking members who post to avoid details themselves, and take it from there. But note that it’s been very slow here for a while now, so have realistic expectations regarding number of members who may reply to you.

    If you choose to not start your own thread, I will no longer reply to you here. Again, good to read that you did seek professional help and that you are dedicated to your healing.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by anita.
    #360751
    Jackjack
    Participant

    when I was young me and my sister used to play dress up. We would play husband and wife and ended up touching each other  kissing, private area touching. I was 2 years older than her. This happened for about a year. And stopped eventually.  But when I was 13 I took my 6 year old sister into my room and touched her. I dont remember exactly what happened. But I do remember that. I only do because the one that was 2 years younger than me has been going to therapy and talked about it. Then they both talked to each other about it then talked to me about it. I apologized and they both know that I’m not that person as an adult  but I cant even look at myself. these are memories I have been pushing down for years and years. I dont k how if I tell my family they will kill me. I told my younger brother who I also was abusive to bby  beating him up and picking on him and he was there for me. I was such a horrible kid and I dont know how to forgive myself. I dont know why I did what I did or even remember the person I was to have the desire to do those things . I am glad I am not that person but can never forgive the horrible kid I was. I feel like I am evil. Like I have no chance to redeem myself. I love my family and I just want to make things right. They are my best friends and mean the world to me. But what I did I can never take back. Now that I remember I can  never go back. I dont even know who I am anymore. How can I do that to people that love me. How could a person be so horrible  I ask myself this then realize that person was me. That was me. That was me. How am I supposed to go on knowing what sick twisted shit I did. Why am I like this? Why couldn’t I be a good person. If something was done to me i dont remember it . And if that is the case I am lucky because my sisters dont have that luxury. I ruined my family. I was a little sicko. Am I the spawn of the devil? I don’t know what to do. I truly am what I hate. How do you live with hating who you were ?

     

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