July 6, 2020 at 8:38 am #360776
I suggest that you seek professional psychotherapy as soon as possible. Like I expressed before, a public forum is not the place to share details of sexual activity involving children. A private, professional setting is the right place for you to share such details and try to figure out how to heal and how to make amends to the people you hurt long ago.
anitaJuly 19, 2020 at 6:28 am #362070
First off I would like to say thank you for all you have done with this website, I feel like you have helped many people and it does make me feel a little better knowing other people have had these problems in their pasts too and that you have helped many overcome their mistakes.
As for mine, When I was around 10-11, used to go around and play with my neighbor in her garden, she was around 3-4 at the time I think. We used to play on her trampoline a lot, and one day when we got into just messing around, she sat on my face. At this point, I guess I was confused at what was going on? Feeling wise etc, not really understanding fully at the time what that could imply. But it made me curious. So a handful of times that day, and the next, i asked her to do it again, around 5-6 times total, she just sat on my face, I didn’t do anything underneath, I was like a rock basically, didn’t move. I should mention fully clothed, and underwear nothing was on show, etc. Around 5 – 10 seconds each, a few variations but all the same thing in the end. Her mum saw us doing it and told us both off. So that day afterwards I spoke to my mother about it and explained it was bad and not to do it again. Afterwards, I felt utterly terrible and I have done ever since. I’ve spoken about it to a few family members and friends and they say the same thing; “you were a child, you didn’t know any better and you were exploring, it happens at that age” but I’ve always just felt stale on the subject. I’m 27 now and I’ve done everything in my powers to be a better person in all ways of life, trying to help people whenever I can, etc… on another note of thought, I was sexually assaulted in my early 20’s and all i thought was… is this karma for what I did? It’s always just played on my mind and I’ve never really moved on… From my understanding the neighbor in question is in uni right now so I’m unsure if she remembers, I heard this from my dad, as I don’t live there anymore, so I’m assuming she’s doing well but I don’t know honestly. But yeah that’s my story, basically guilt-ridden since then, if i knew deep down somewhere if what I was doing was wrong, why did I do it, and I wish i would go back and just pull myself away from the whole ordeal.
Thanks for reading, take care, hope to hear back soon.July 19, 2020 at 6:57 am #362078
“It’s always just played on my mind and I’ve never really moved on.. basically guilt-ridden since then”- guilt ridden from the age of 10 or 11 to 27, this is fifteen years of guilt.
You wrote that you’ve “spoken about it to a few family members and friends”. Do you think that there is something new that a member here (a member can be anyone, all it takes to be a member is to have an email address) can tell you that you weren’t told before, some words on the screen that will make your guilt go away?
anitaJuly 19, 2020 at 9:53 am #362091
Thank you very much for your reply, and I’m not sure honestly. I’ve always felt that if a person knows you, be it, family or friends, they may be more lenient with what they say, and a person outside of knowing you would give you a more honest opinion on a said matter. Not knowing you and judging a statement as it stands. Maybe that is why I have always been guilt-ridden because even as a child back then, even being told as an adult by friends and family I was still unsure if they really meant it? If that makes sense?
Thank you and kind regards.July 19, 2020 at 4:29 pm #362103
You are welcome. I will rephrase your answer: you don’t trust your family and friends to tell you the objective truth because they are like you/ love you and therefore they are inclined to “soften” the truth so to protect you from the objective truth and the pain that comes with knowing the objective truth.
On the other hand, you trust strangers because they don’t like/ love you and therefore they don’t care if you experience pain as a result of knowing the objective truth, so they are your source of the objective truth.
Did I understand correctly?
If I did understand correctly, I have two more questions:
1. Is this thread the first time you reach out to strangers on this matter?
2. Do you believe that all strangers know the objective truth, that all strangers are sane; that all strangers are wise to the objective truth, and that all strangers will have the same answer for you?
anitaJuly 19, 2020 at 5:38 pm #362113
Thank you for the reply, you are correct, and yes this is the first time I’ve reached out to strangers on the matter after I read what others had posted, I wanted to also reach out.
Secondly, I’m honestly not too sure. I suppose part of me feels like people are inclined to think negatively of me after hearing it. I’m unsure if they know objective truth or not, and I understand people won’t have the same answers because they didn’t experience what I did so it’s probably hard to understand, but I just feel like I would be frowned upon if that makes sense? Maybe part of me feels like I need to be punished for the misdeed I did when I was a child? Whether or not these people outside of who I know are family and friends maybe would think I should have been. All I know is I’ve always felt this guilt once I realized what I did was wrong.
Thank you and kind regardsJuly 19, 2020 at 6:37 pm #362119
I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours from now.
anitaJuly 20, 2020 at 4:21 am #362136
Alright Thank youJuly 20, 2020 at 6:53 am #362149
I re-read your posts here, and this is what I understand at this point: like too many people, you too carry a core belief that you are a bad person. Guilt is a combination of this core belief and shame, distress, emotional pain.
We humans, at least in the beginning of our lives, have this strong need to be considered good people by the people in our lives: parents, older siblings, aunts, uncles, neighbors, teachers, anyone and everyone. This is why we care so much about what others think of us: we need them to think well of us, to approve of us, to brand us with the stamp “good person”, so to speak.
It so happens that you have been focused on the few events that sealed your fate as a bad person, so to speak. But these events did not bring about your core belief of being a bad person. If you believed at 10 or 11 that you were a good person, you wouldn’t have gotten stuck on the issue you brought to this thread. You would have forgotten it 15 years ago.
“I’m 27 now and I’ve done everything in my powers to be a better person in all ways of life, trying to help people whenever I can, etc…”- this is a “bad” person trying hard to be good, a person who believes that he is bad, trying to change and become a good person.
But all your efforts to become a good person didn’t work out: “It’s always just played on my mind and I’ve never really moved on.. that’s my story, basically guilt-ridden since then”- the seed of guilt, of the core belief that you are a bad person, took hold in you before you were 10.
“part of me feels like people are inclined to think negatively of me after hearing it.. I just feel like I would be frowned upon if that makes sense?”- you were repeatedly frowned upon during your first decade of life, and you are afraid to become aware of those painful experiences. It is somehow.. easier to focus on what you’ve been focusing on.
“Maybe part of me feels like I need to be punished for the misdeed I did when I was a child?”- what is it that you did as a child, younger than 10, that was frowned upon by any one of your parents, or both???
anitaJuly 20, 2020 at 7:13 am #362155
The event I was talking about was the one I explained. There was no prior one to the one I came here for. I was always bought up in a somewhat strict home i think like most parents do. No swearing etc… if I did back then in school for example I felt very guilty about it. Always felt guilt if I did something bad like I broke my sisters toy by accident for example… accidents like that. I was kind of ignorant to a lot of things outside the house. Like racism etc.. i didn’t know what it was as I never saw or experienced it. So in that respect I was ignorant to what I did. But I should have known better. And me knowing I did something bad like that just never felt normal to me to move on.July 20, 2020 at 7:30 am #362156
“I was always brought up in a somewhat strict home.. Always felt guilt if I did something bad like I broke my sisters toy by accident for example.. accidents like that”-
– this is way closer to the origin of your guilt than the sexual gestures/ interactions you are focused on.
I will not communicate with you (or with any member) on the topic of sexual gestures and activities between children. A public forum is the wrong place to do so because you don’t know who is reading your sexual details and how they will react to those: what if someone reads your sexual childhood experience and gets sexually stimulated by it, and what if that person then is motivated to do what you did?
I will be glad to continue to communicate with you if you start your own thread (click to Forums at the top, choose and click on a Category, then scroll down the page) on the issue of your guilt without including any detail at all of sexual gestures or interactions between children. I am withdrawing from replying to you further on this thread.
anitaJuly 20, 2020 at 7:58 am #362160
Dear Anita, thank you for your reply,
If that is the case Feel free to delete my previous posts that you think would infringe on that possibility, as I would hate for that to happen. I am unsure about how to “make a thread” I only see currently made ones, like”too criticizing of myself” at the bottom. I don’t see the option to make my own thread, nor do I know what I would actually post on it. I’m sorry if anything I’ve said has been bad, I did not mean to type anything like that. I’m just so lost…
Thank youJuly 20, 2020 at 8:07 am #362163
You are welcome. I can’t delete your posts. I am not the owner of this site, but from my observations, if you post on another person’s thread, you cannot have your posts deleted. You are welcome to try again and start your own thread. If you don’t want to, I recommend that you seek professional psychotherapy for the purpose of examining the core belief I mentioned and challenging- then changing it.
I carried the core belief that I was a bad person for many years. It was only after I attended my first quality psychotherapy, with a therapist whose specialty was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that I challenged this core belief with the guidance of my then therapist. You can read online and in books about CBT, particularly about changing core beliefs.
Please do not reply to this post. I will communicate with you on your own thread, if you choose to start one.
anitaJuly 30, 2020 at 6:15 am #363156tinyParticipant
This is very hard for me because i blame myself a lot for these events, but i am very happy to let this all out and try to forgive myself. I know this thread is old but its worth a shot.
When I was 3 my mom married a man and he had a nephew that was 5-6 years older than me. I’m not sure when it started but i know its one of my first memories, so i had to be 2 or 3. We were all at my grandmas play in one of the spare rooms she had this really tall bed which at the time we could all fit under the bed he pulled out his penis and asked me to touch it which i dont remember being ok with necessarily but i could be wrong. This went on for 6 to 7 years and got worse we were always around each other and he would do it whenever he got the chance and eventually started performing anal on me. I remember thinking it was love after a while and thinking it was normal and liking it. I would ask him to kiss me at times and he would tell me it was wrong because we were cousins. Also my moms brother who was 8 years older then me use to play games that involved touching him and seeing him naked and i also dont remember when it started really but i know i was 3 or 4 when i had my first memory of it. This all being said i became interested is sex so much i always thought about it ever since i could remember. I would get the boys on the play ground to show me there genitals, explore sexual things with my neighborhood friends, my second cousin who was female use to kiss and finger each other sometimes and also my other family friend use to play kissing games under covers. When i was about 9 I let my dog lick my genitals only once and it was weird idk why i did it. At maybe 10 or 11 i was living with my grandma and me and my little brother always slept with her in the middle of the night i woke up and i rubbed my little brother foot on my genitals not for long and idk why i did it ig i was just fucked up. Around that time i wanted attention because my mother was always looking for her next relationship and my dad was in prison pretty much my whole life and i just kept being dumped on family members to take care of me. I started talking to older men and lying to them about my age not always sexually but some of them yes. When i was 13 i had sex for the first time but i really got raped because i told him to stop, he was my age i continued i had sex with him maybe 2 more time because i didn’t want to catch another body. then i met up with one of the older guys i was talking to and had sex with them but i didn’t know it was going to happen because we really weren’t sexual but i felt uncomfortable staying no. When i was 14 i went to stay at my brothers grandparents and my brothers dad was there and he was feeling on me he had always done stuff like that but this time went farther. he was someone i thought i could trust and at this point in my life i thought this was the norm even though i knew it was wrong. He fingered me and kissed me. He would text me and i think we were in some weird kinda of relationship that made me uncomfortable but i still went for it because i wanted love. I have grown to know the mistakes ive made and the wrong that i did. i dont completely understand why i was how i was. I dont know if its all my fault. I dont know if i am a bad person i have never hurt anyone or gotten anyone in trouble. i feel horrible for everything but if im a horrible person at least i got it off my chest i know i cant change the past but i would like to move on. i have done anything like that for a while almost 3 years and im in a happy relationship that has shown me healthy love and sex.
and just encase i didnt say it i am a female and im 17 now.July 30, 2020 at 6:37 am #363205tinyParticipant