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Letting go of Childhood mistakes?

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  • #363211
    anita
    Participant

    Dear tiny:

    I am sorry to read that your mother “was always  looking for her next relationship” instead of paying attention to you, guiding you and protecting you, that your father was in prison your whole life, not being there to positively attend to you, guide you  and protect you, and that you “kept being dumped on family members”. You shouldn’t have been dumped; you should have been loved.

    I am also sorry to read that older children approached you sexually and that your brother’s father sexually abused you. I think that you should contact the police or child protective services or the like, in your area and report him, so to protect other children from him.

    If you want to start your own thread regarding your current life circumstances and challenges, please do (go to FORUMS at the top of the page, choose a Category, click it, scroll down to the bottom of the page and type there).

    anita

    #363217
    tiny
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    My brothers father is already in jail. He might be getting out soon but I dont know if there is much i can do anymore because it was 3-4 years ago. The reason I even posted on here was because i know other people who went through these same things and saw the wrong in it and at the time i did but i still went with it and liked it at times. I do feel as if i was ok with too much and i feel that i let some of these things happen and never told anyone. Why was so obsessed with sexual things? I feel like a bad person at times. I dont remember a lot my childhood so i feel like a lot more happened i just cant remember. I have been depressed and i think i might have bipolar disorder. I have been suicidal and feeling as if i dont belong at times. Friends talk about their childhoods and i feel outta place or like some type of freak.

    #363220
    anita
    Participant

    Dear tiny:

    I read the sexual details you brought up in your first post on the previous page. Keeping those details in mind, I will be glad to continue to communicate with you on a different thread, one that you will start- a thread without these sexual details. If you choose to start your own thread, you can mention “sexual things”, as in “so obsessed with sexual things”, or sexual acts,without detailing the sexual things. Can you do that?

    anita

    #364248
    Mario
    Participant

    Hello, Iv’e found this forum after going through a realization of some of the past things I’ve done as a youth. A quick story to gain an understanding;

    Im a 21 yr old male, and from a very young age I’ve been exposed to sexual stimuli of some sort. Whether it was stumbling across pornography or hearing/seeing the adults I lived with at the time (my biological father and his gf) having sex. All these experiences took place at a fairly young age. I was also, in turn, abused both verbally, emotionally, and at time physically, on a consistent basis by these same adults. Growing up, I always was a hyper-sexualized individual. From a child up until recently when I decided enough was enough. I recently started NOFAP in February, as I was heavily addicted to masterbating, porn, and unfortunately escalating to prostitutes. Ever since starting NOFAP, I’ve begun to realize the detrimental effects a life prioritized on sex has caused me. I don’t know if I used it as a coping mechanism, but nonetheless its not an excuse. The reason for this forum, is because between the ages of I believe as young as 7-12/13, I now recall in full depth a lot of sexual acts I committed against other children at the time, some younger than me, some of the same gender as me. It was nothing ever explicit, no violation of touching private parts or showing of genitalia, or extreme sexual acts. But I remember doing things like “making out/kissing” on opposite sides of a sheet (so we basically had sheet between us and we couldn’t see each other) with my male cousin, then trying to have him kiss lower towards my genitalia. I remember in the same house a girl around my age came over and we made out and I was touching her private parts. She then made out with the same male cousin and I convinced him to show her his genitalia. At an older age around 12-13 I used to dry hump a girl a couple years younger. I can’t for the life of me remember how young she was, I’m thinking around 9. We used to spend a lot of time together. She was a family friend, and at the time I thought she was pretty to myself. When we first met, she voluntarily showed me her vagina randomly and laughed, but I had never seen one in person before she had showed me. Around this same time, I had discovered hardcore porn that my biological father had stashed amongst his DVDs collection, and was exposed to everything you could imagine, kickstarting my journey into porn addiction. Eventually, one day I just felt an urge to hump her, as the friction against my penis felt good at times I would ejaculate in my pants. Id put her in sexual positions I remember seeing on porn, and hump her. Its important to add, that I learned about ejaculation through rubbing my penis on my sheets, with the sensitivity in my penis leading me to ejaculate with enough rubbing/tickling. She told her mom who told my biological father (both of whom were dating at the time) to which my biological father brought it up as it was something light (which I now realize it wasn’t) and went on to exclaim that if she was older, he’d wish to have a sexual experience with her as well (he was in his 30s, she was around 9). Her mom never spoke to me about it and it was never brought up or taken seriously, we even chilled together after that.  All these memories I remember but never really looked at or seen as wrong, until recently when I took time to self-reflect. I never really had good self-esteem, or any for that sort, and am just now trying to build it, but in the process Im reflecting on past deeds and realizing how much fucked up shit I’ve done. I knew these things were unjust and wrong in some way, but I never looked at it morally. After the humping incident with the girl, I never manipulated another child again, although I would then take advantage of girls my own age to experience sexual acts with them, this is understandable with age but I feel like it was still from the same source. Its like I’ve had this uncontrollable thirst for sex or sex acts, like its always been the most important thing in my life, like I had to constantly be getting it. My views on my sex life have completely shifted, and I realize how unhonourable its been. I want to be free of this shit, I hate the things I’ve done, and the people I may have hurt. It’s like I have no limits towards my conquest for sex, but my mom had a baby boy (my baby brother) this past January which is when everything for me started to shift, and I subconsciously wanted to cut back on my sex life or change it, which lead me to where I am now. Im scared because its like my whole life Ive been controlled by my penis, urges, or dopamine rushes when engaging in something sexual. I want some guidance on how to move forward from this cause I isolate myself from people and children, including my own family members (brothers/sister). Ive never had thoughts of harming or violating someone younger than me, and since I hit teenage years I stopped coercing people to do things for my won pleasure. Ive never forced someones into doing something, and I’ve never violated someone’s body or forced myself on them. Although, recently I started to develop anxiety wondering if I had it in me to do these things due to the things ive already done. I don’t want to feel like this. I’ve always loved kids and making them happy, nurturing them and guiding them as im supposed to. I took care of my brothers and sisters and never had a thought to do anything like that. Ive taken care of others kids and its the same, I never even thought about any of that shit. But now, I just avoid them at all costs, I don’t even like being alone with my own siblings cause I just feel sick of myself. I feel sick all the time now, like I just have a past riddled with fucked up mistakes and look at all the things I’ve done in the name of sex. I feel shitty and dead, like Iv’e killed my soul.

    What should I do moving forward?

    #364259
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mario:

    “I want some guidance on how to move forward.. What should I do moving forward?”- in addition to participating in the website you mentioned, I suggest:

    1) On a piece of paper, make a list of specific behaviors that you will never initiate or engage in, no matter the circumstance and how you feel. Write on that paper: I promise to myself and to the world that I will never initiate or otherwise engage in these behaviors. Sign that paper and congratulate yourself every month and every year that you keep this promise.

    2) Quality psychotherapy where you will examine your current relationships with the people in your life, and figure out what changes should be done in these relationships, particularly with your father; get more insight into your mind and life and tools to help you weaken and manage troubling emotions like fear and anger.

    3) Support groups perhaps, such as sex addicts anonymous, a 12 step program.

    4) You are welcome to start your own thread, and I will be glad to communicate with you on your own thread if you don’t include in that thread any sexual details. It is a good idea for you focus on and develop other aspects of your mind and life. 

    anita

    #364325
    clippp
    Participant

    Hello all.

    I am having trouble with a mistake i committed when i was thirteen. I have already gotten over it myself, but worried what other people will think of me if they knew what i had done.

    When i grew up on a farm and when i was really young i discovered masturbation (I cannot remember when) At the time i didn’t know what i was doing. Then when i turned about eleven i discovered Pornography after i searched it up because of curiosity. After that when i turned thirteen i touched a Goat and rubbed my gentiles on the Goats gentiles, at the time i didn’t understand  how bad it was as i was homeschooled and my family never taught me about sex. I’m afraid people will think i am some sort-of creep or monster or something.

     

    #364394
    Leeroy
    Participant

    I’m not sure if you still reply Anita,

    To start off with where my troubles began would be at 6 or 7 years old when my friend and I discovered internet pornography on his fathers computer. I really had no ability to process what I was viewing and the effects it would have on me later in life. I went on living a few more years not viewing any sort of pornography, but the images I saw that day on his laptop I would never forget. There was another incident which I have a very spotty recount on, which happened when I was around 5 or 6 when an older girl (14-15) kept hugging me and I believe intentionally touched my penis with her hand. I remember feeling slightly uncomfortable during the incident-perhaps this could have had some weird long term effects on me? For more back story, I felt pretty isolated while growing up-my parents never introduced me to my large extended family for reasons I didn’t know. On top of this I felt like I never really had anyone to talk to and my parents were very against any therapy or counseling. So I pretty much kept all my feelings to myself. They also taught me nothing about sex, never once a mention of it or the changes I would go through during puberty. It became very hard for me when I entered a deep suicidal depression during my early middle school years. During this time I also had nearly unlimited access to the internet, which I used to watch porn for 2-3 hours each night. For at least a year I watched basic heterosexual porn-but I fell into the trap of porn escalation. I’ve read that many other men have experienced similar escalation. Each new genre i’d watch would eventually become boring to me and I felt a need to watch more and more shocking content. This combined with ridiculously strong sexual urges lead me all the way to watching bestiality porn. I went through episodes where I was so horny that it felt like an outside source was controlling me and I couldn’t do anything about it. During these episodes I’d often experiment with anything I had around me, fruit, stuffed animals, couch cushions, and eventually… and this is extremely painful for me to admit, I experimented with a dog. The incidents with the dog occurred 5 or 6 times and started with me encouraging the dog to lick my genitals. However, there was several times that I made oral contact with the dogs genitals for 3-5 seconds. I don’t believe I caused the dog any pain or discomfort, and I sincerely hope that I didn’t. His behavior didn’t seem to change at all after it happened.

    Now I am 18 years old. And I had completely forgot about my disgusting actions until two weeks ago. I cannot express how much I regret doing them. I entirely understand how wrong bestiality is, since a dog cannot give consent-(which was something I never considered when I was younger), not to mention how simply disgusting and revolting it is. I also entirely understand the implications of sexual actions and how much responsibility is carried with them. I now posses a strong respect for animals and their dignity. But at least it seems I didn’t cause any harm to the dog before I changed my ways. I pretty much entirely quit porn and it has been at least 4 years since I’ve made any inappropriate contact with a dog. I have none of these perversions that I suffered during the years when I went through puberty. I have no sexual thoughts aside from heterosexual ones. I have had a very healthy relationship with my girlfriend who I care about more than anything, which has lasted for 9 months now. And I have a bright career ahead of me. But after being reminded of the disgusting things I did with my dog, the guilt has been seriously eating away at me. Will I ever be able to put this behind me and live on with a normal life? Am I doing my loved ones an injustice by continuing to be around them and not telling them the truth of my perverted past? I think it would really destroy my parents if they found out about it, especially since my two other siblings haven’t turned out very successful so far. I think my girlfriend would also be devastated. Is this something I need to tell her? I feel zero self worth and see my self as a disgusting person. I apologize for putting pretty much my whole life story here. But I’m in a very bad place right now and I’m hoping to find some sort of way to come to terms with my past. I’m really hurting right now and need to find a way to move forward.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by tinybuddha.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by tinybuddha.
    #364434
    anita
    Participant

    Dear clippp:

    “I am having trouble with a mistake I committed when I was thirteen… I’m afraid people will think I am some sort-of-creep or monster or something”-

    – Reads to me like you have a  serious enough of a problem: to be afraid of people thinking you are a monster. Therefore, it will be an excellent idea if you arrange for a counseling or psychotherapy session with a qualified, quality professional and discuss this mistake and the problem that you have. I don’t think you will need many sessions, just a few, and it will make a big difference for you.

    anita

    #364437
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leeroy:

    You shared that you grew up feeling isolated, that you “never really had anyone to talk to”, that your parents were “very against any therapy or counseling”, and didn’t counsel you themselves, at all,  about sex and puberty, and they didnt supervise you so that you were able to watch 2-3 hours of internet porn each night during your yearly middle school years, a time when you “entered a deep suicidal depression”. Old porn got boring to you and you watched porn of “more and more shocking content” over time; you “fell into the trap of porn escalation”.

    You are now 18, and you “pretty much entirely quit porn”. You are a heterosexual young man and have a “very healthy relationship” with your girlfriend for the last 9 months, and “a bright career ahead” of you.

    My input (still with quotes from you):

    1. You wrote: “I feel zero self worth and see myself as a disgusting person.. I’m in a very bad place right now and I’m hoping to find some sort of way to come to terms with my past. I’m really hurting right now and need to find a way to move forward”- you are in a serious enough distress to seek professional quality psychotherapy. There is no way for a stranger on the internet (or anyone, really, outside a professional setting) to change your zero self worth etc. You need professional help. Please seek it.

    2. You asked regarding the incident you mentioned: “Will I ever be able to put this behind me and live on with a normal life?”- I hope so, I think that 10 sessions with a quality psychotherapist will make a big difference for you.

    3. “Am I doing my loved ones an injustice by continuing to be around them and not telling them the truth of my perverted past? I think it would really destroy my parents  if they found out about it.. I think my girlfriend would also be devastated. Is this something I need to tell her?”- I don’t think you owe your parents to tell them anything- they failed you. They failed to supervise you and therefore you were able to escalate your porn watching, as a child, for hours every night. Plus they didn’t counsel you, and disapproved of you having professional counseling.

    Regarding your girlfriend, don’t tell her because once you tell her, you can’t un-tell her. The images that you will be introducing into her brain will haunt her.. so don’t that to her.

    anita

     

    #364665
    Hector
    Participant

    To Leeroy I want to say that bestiality – although not normative – is a lot more common than some people think. It has been estimated that around 8 percent of men would at 1 point experiment with animals. And on farms that number even jumps to 17 percent.

    So you’re definitely not an exception. And the bestiality you mention btw, is not as bad as the bestiality that researchers talk about (penetration).

    I agree with Anita, that it’s probably best not to tell your girlfriend. Many people would not even consider telling such a thing, but you do and it’s because you feel tremendous guilt and that speaks volumes about your nature (good-hearted). It’s not just the events that could impact your girlfriend, it’s the thinking afterwards; she might start to envision how you did it and this could impact your relationship.

    #364666
    Hector
    Participant

    I have got my own story to tell. Two incidents in my life continue to bear impact on me to this day (now I am 30 years old). I feel unworthy of love, like a fraud waiting to be found out. Many men and women think I’m a good guy, which is what hurts the most.

    I’ve got a twin brother, possibly fraternal (not sure). The thing to bear in mind is that I was always the dominant twin, not in an aggressive sort of way, but in the way of taking initiative and speaking out. I often, throughout my life, served as a crutch not only to my brother but to other people as well. Right now I’m out of a job and since that day I’ve been started digging in my memories, which I don’t know how accurate they still are.

    I am following therapy and for the events below, my therapist seems to exonerate me. But this isn’t sufficient for me as I think she might have not been listening to all the details.

    I am also practicing <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>zazen since a month or two. At times I understand what Buddha Shakyamuni was trying to teach. But when I start identifying with my past memories again, I feel utterly unworthy to even try striving for enlightenment. Like it is something that is demarcated with a sign “not for you”. This also goes for relationships (I’m straight); I’ve got quite a lot of opportunities to female affection but whenever I even start thinking about it, the sign in my head goes up “not for you”.</span>

    As with the case of Leeroy above, me and my brother also didn’t really receive sex education from our parents. Nor did we see much affection between them. They were more like room mates, so to speak.

    (<span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>all names in my story are aliases, as is my username)</span>

    ——-

    The first of the incidents must have happened when me and my brother were 6 years old.

    It disturbs me that the following memory is still so vividly replayable in my mind.

    Me and my twin brother when we were about 5-6 years old often played ‘doctor’ with the girl next door who was of our age. Me, my brother and practically all boys who knew her were in love with her.

    Playing doctor often led to kissing of her  belly,  as to ‘cure something’. Britney Spears’ navel piercing was engrained in all boys in that day,  I think it stems from this. Anyhow, I remember loathing that my brother was around, but we were raised together and both befriended her and did many things together at that day and were both young kids who could  just enjoy boys’ stuff. I don’t know how the playing doctor got into this.

    I do know that at one time when I was not the ‘doctor’, all of a sudden my brother was kissing her genitals. At this point I was uncomfortable and jealous but also felt this could be perhaps out of line.
    But the girl next door looked just a little uncomfortable like I did but allowed it. And as we were brothers I did the same afterwards.  This continued over numerous weeks, months, I’m not sure. The girl next door was not a shy one, and would later boss around many boys (including me) .

    One time our mother found out. She opened the door and  had a little shock on her face as Lisa (the girl) pulled her pants up and me and my brother were acting caught. My mother quickly got her act together, but if there’s one thing I’ve never missed, it’s people’s facial expressions.
    This facial expression, I’ve found out lately, has been the root cause of my feeling as a fraud throughout life whenever anyone would deem me a good guy, worthy of love, etc. I’m not sure if my brother caught this; he’s always been more easygoing, more impulsive.

    From this day, I remember a few occasions where I would initially halt to play with my brother as I felt anger I could not pinpoint back then.
    After this, Lisa would firmly refuse to playing ‘doctor’, for which I was glad but also remember feeling as a reproached child. I’m not sure if she felt shame because our mother saw her or if she was glad to put an end to it. We kept playing regular activities though.

    When we were together with Lisa at an afterschool child care, the topic of being in love would come up. Me and my brother knew that a certain Matt was the hotshot of the class.  He was a promising football (soccer) player and precisely displayed the macho acts that young children at that age would find cool. It was standard behaviour for a young girl to tell “I love Matt”.

    So we jokingly pressed Lisa together to declare who she was in love with. I somehow felt the need to start chanting with my brother “Matt, Matt, Matt” until she said “Matt”.
    Years later at the age of 11, she would say she is in love with me. I did nothing, felt uncomfortable, unworthy. Also guilty for my brother who would finish second. And by the way, I’d never seen affection between my parents so what the hell should I do?

    I confirmed loving Lisa too, as per an intermediary as was common at that age. But did nothing until high school came and the distance started to grow. Anyhow, now Lisa, after going through many men, is married to a woman. I’ve never expected this.

    But deep down, I think that maybe I’ve ruined her. And deep down I fear, that whenever -if ever- I could allow a woman close to me, I’d have to share her with my brother.

    <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>This incident from a young age, I remember, has started me feeling like a fraud. </span>

    —–

    The second incident started when we were 15 years old. Late bloomers as we were (are), we were terribly short still (although handsome, people used to say), dressing in skate clothing, with no pubic hair whatsoever and still children’s voices. But puberty hormones had started. I had already had some requests (as was common in these days) for getting together from some girls, but the previous incidents at a very young age with Lisa, coupled with my lack of sex education and lack of seeing affinity between my parents, ànd the fact that I tried not to overshadow my brother too much held me back.
    In those days however, I attributed these feelings to being late in puberty and feeling like a child among teenagers.

    At 15 years old, we had started to watch porn with a mutual friend of ours and I think this might have led the course to some degree. Shortly after, we had already been playing around dryhumping for some months as our teenage hormones were rampant. I knew it was odd but I didn’t really think much more of it, busy as I was trying to make sense of my life as a teenager. That, I felt, was still somewhat ‘okay’- even if embarassing, as many other teenage boys did far worse things like masturbating each other and what not.

    Since young children we had been going on summer holiday’s to our aunt’s. A dusty, old farm where the only thing we really like were the dogs who would truly bond with us and literally lick our wounds when we had fallen and comfort us when they noticed one of us was sad. However, at 15 this would be the last holiday at our aunt’s, where there was only one spare bedroom so we had to share a large bed.

    During that night at our aunt’s and with only pyjamas on, the dryhumping escalated. I was the ‘more active’. And even though no penetration happened nor climax ( I suddenly ‘awoke’ and said “what are we doing???”How from dryhumping with clothes, I suddenly pulled his pyjama down and how I suddenly had contact with his anus and even tried to penbetrate (luckily failed). There was no protest, not even the slightest movement. He seemed also high on hormones. But there’s no mistaken that I tried, as if in a trance, to penetrate. And I’m so glad I failed as I would have surely committed suicide long ago if I hadn’t (not that I didn’t try a year later).

    The hormones were too strong and a dreamlike state was over me, pure animalistic. Until finally common sense took over… Do you know these bacchanalian scenes in many tv-series or films where a whole crowd of people is mindlessly having away at each other? I felt like that.

    I believe the trauma intensified because we couldn’t wake any one or go home and just had to spend the night in the same large bed… I sped to the bathroom to wash my part and urged my brother to do the same, but he refused and wanted to go to sleep. Have I done this? Am I responsible? Would it have been the same if he was ‘on top’ during the dryhumping? The thought kills me. Most of all, have I technically raped him like he would suggest?

    The morning after, while we were skateboarding, my brother said that ” he felt raped”. It wasn’t a reproach, it was more like he was confiding his feelings to me. I think this scene caused more bad memories to me than the incident itself. Still, wasn’t he right? I sometimes think that, because I’ve always been the ‘stronger’ one, he let me do because he trusted his brother.

    I’ve been trying to analyse whether or not there was always a power imbalance between us or not. I’m not sure. My brother sometimes felt jealous of me, of that I am sure. Power imbalance though? Perhaps I’ve been thinking this because I clearly heard my aunt say to my mother “be careful that he doesn’t overshadow his brother”. I think I must have been 5.

     

    Nonetheless, after the second incident that has corrupted my life we were not doing too great anymore at high school, our grades were already sinking a year before the incident, but the year of the incident we were doing so badly that we had to go to trial to question the results. I could stay in the same grade but he couldn’t.
    He had also been bullied that year, by a big girl. I lashed out at that girl at the end of the year after which she understood, I think. My brother looked so hurt though, I couldn’t stand his ‘hurt expression’. I cannot stand hurt expressions from anyone actually, I can feel it too much;

    I remember pepping him up before the final exams. He said I was “his mental coach”. Did that mean the incestuous incident didn’t cause as much havoc to him as it did to me? Was it because he was facing the bed and I could see everything?The same year I bursted out in tears and my mother pried the information out of me, although not so vividly as explained here. She said she’s heard worse stories. I don’t know if she asked my brother about it, I hope she did. He would’ve been so alone with his thoughts. But I don’t really think so.

    The thought would replay and replay and replay. I’ve tried to suicide on ritalin a year after, but it didn’t work, and it wasn’t planned either. I took one, and took another and another, and it felt right but I survived. Yet, this was not an adequate signal that I could live and be happy. No, it just meant that my body can take some.

    We both changed schools, different schools, and he was all by himself for the first time really. I was doing better than never before in my new school. My brother wasn’t. He even became depressed, something I didn’t know of until after high school. He just barely passed…Because he was on his own and was in a lower grade? Or because of the incident? Again, it would play and play.

    During the final years in high-school, he would hang out more with a friend who was once mutual, but always got along better with my brother. When I saw his friend, his friend would often mock me as “gay” (I’m not), apparently because of a leather jacket I had bought . My brother just laughed away together with his friend. The laughing did not disturb me. It was the thought that perhaps my brother wanted ‘revenge’ (and thus that I was the aggressor) that stuck with me. I kept wondering if my brother had told him or if my brother was just trying to get at me because he was in a lower grade now and felt envy.

    Then I went to uni, law school. I thought my brother became panicky and so he followed me to law school. Bad idea, when we were together in law school, we wasted two years just partying and playing games. But I felt morbid and my brother too I believe.Was his following me to law school a signal that the incident had not left a remark? or was it just that he was too insecure and did what he had done often time before, copy my steps?

    After those years I studied marketing on my own and passed, although not without having panic attacks. I don’t know if these panic attacks were due to feeling inadequate or perfectionism or something else…My brother remained at home doing nothing but playing games really. For years on end.
    During those years, I started dressing more and more metrosexual really, which is in itself not noteworth (especially since I now dress like a gentleman). But at one occasion when we were sitting in the same bar with mutual friends, my brother would lash out at me and call me “faggot”.
    Again, I wonder if he did so because of the incident some 7 years ago. Or because he compared himself to me and felt inadequate and insecure.

    It is perhaps of note that he has done something similar when we were still kids; he would ask me money to play with his Gameboy. Those were the years that I was doing really well in school; aged 10-12.

    At the age of 25 he collapsed, became bipolar and the following two years were dreadful with hectic nights and a lot of worries, with me feeling so much guilt and also watching over him, making sure he would not commit suicide or awake my mom who was battling cancer. I also took over the household really, as my dad is more a distracted knowledgeable kind of guy, clumsy in all household chores.

    I remember some times asking my brother, when he was completely dazed on alcohol and sleeping pills, asking him if I’d done something to him that made his mind so tortured? He replied with a drunken angry craze that I was too distant, that I lock myself out of social gatherings. Which I do in fact, I’ve abandoned mutual friends because I wanted my brother to have the room I’ve so often inadvertently deprived him of.He’s had many therapists during that time and I just hope that he’s told them about the incestuous event. But again, I don’t think he did. He’s always been- even before the incident- a very joking around type of person who does hard displaying his true feelings.

    Now my brother has got a job, I don’t. He’s doing alright and apparently blossoms. He seems confident and good at his job. Still, there is the silently agreed-upon (unspoken) agreement that I’ll not go to the store where he works, not overshadowing him again. And he still does not have a girlfriend. Does he feel emasculated because of the incident? Does he even think about it anymore? I would like to know, but I’m afraid that maybe he’s suppressed it and I would rip that wound open.I sometimes press him to get a girlfriend. I would like to see him become a succesful family man, as I never expected him to become a succesful employee.

    A month ago, I mentioned to him (I was feeling downtrodden), that he’s hated me all his life. After which he became a bit panicky and started to shout to me that “he’d give his life for me”. That is not what I wanted to hear. I hate the idea of anyone – not only my brother- feeling attached to me.Like they not know what they’re getting themselves into.

     

    There you go, you know it all. To this day I question the loving stare of a woman, or the proclaims that I’m supposedly a good guy. It’s all out of guilt that won’t go away. Have I failed my brother? I’ve stood up for him so many times when someone would try to bully him or when someone said something crude. Have I let him down that night, have I raped him?

     

    #364677
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hector:

    “Have I let him down that night..?”- you did let him down, it was wrong for you to engage in any sexual activity with him. Just as it was wrong for him to engage in it with you. The two of you being the same age, and neither one of you, at the time being more mentally incompetent than the other, means to me that the responsibility for the wrong doing was equally his as it was yours. Your parents share responsibility for the wrongdoing as well, for not sexually educating, and for not supervising their sons. The education system is responsible for not educating parents about parenting,  the pornographic industry is responsible for exposing children to their products, and all the people and organizations that make it possible for this industry to flourish are responsible as well.

    “have I raped him?”- ask an attorney who is qualified to answer this question:  make an appointment, provide him/ her with the details and ask this question. The counseling appointment will cost you some money, but it will be worth it for you, won’t it.

    “my therapist seems to exonerate me. But this isn’t sufficient for me”- if your therapist exonerated you, he/she is arrogant to have done so, and I am not surprised that it isn’t sufficient for you.

    If a person on a public forum such as this exonerates you- that is very irresponsible: any person with an email can be a member here- imagine a teenager reading your post and the  “exoneration” by a member who replies to you, figuring to himself/ herself: oh, I can do this too and I will be exonerated!

    If a person does “exonerate” you, here or elsewhere, his or her exoneration is as good as who he/ she is: his values and how he actualize his values in his own life. You don’t know the people replying to you on public forums; it is therefore unwise and irresponsible to ask strangers on public forums to evaluate your moral character and pronounce you guilty or.. exonerated.

    “One time our mother found out. She opened the door and had a little shock on her face.. this facial expression.. has been the root cause of my feeling as a fraud throughout my life whenever anyone would deem me a good guy, worthy of love, etc.”-

    – parents have immense power over their children- a facial expression can have a lifetime lasting affect in a child’s mind, especially if it is a disapproving expression, an angry expression,  or an expression of deep hurt, for which the child naturally feels responsible for. It would have been very efficient if your mother expressed her disapproval for certain behaviors before you carried them on-  it would still be effective because children do not want to displease their parents.

    anita

    #364687
    Hector
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you for your reply.

    In all honesty, your reply makes me deel worse, but perhaps deservedly.

     

    II think the main thing I want to find out is how much of an immoral man these events make me. Especially with my brother, it’s wearing me down. Even if he seems to do good for himself and concerned about me, I still behave like I want to make amends.

    An attorney won’t help I’m afraid, I’m more interested in the moral not the legal aspect. I want to know how corrupt I am. And in jurisdiction I think this would not be called rape but consensual incest- even if I was in a trancelike state. The main thing is the part when I pulled my brother’s pyjama pants down.

     

    My therapist did not literally say ‘I exonerate you’. She was mainly interested in details like if there was  penetration or not. When I said there wasn’t,  I felt like I should have said that I tried to  nonetheless. Not forcibly, but trying in any case.

     

    I’m 30 and still I cannot allow myself to seek those things others seek: a happy family life. I can never be pure again, I fear.

     

    I have shared my story  to numerous people o  Reddit (anonymously) and reactions differ. The last one was brushing it off, saying “you’re a good guy who’s done some weird things as a kid, but we all do weird things”. But again, it is not enough.

    #364688
    Hector
    Participant

    My therapist will be back from holiday next week. And I want to talk about this again, but she seems like I should just get over it already.

     

    She’s very friendly but I sometimes feel like she doesn’t grasp the gravity of the images rhat are still dancing before my mind’s eye.

     

    #364691
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hector:

    “I think the main thing I want to find out is how much of an immoral man these events make me… I have shared my story to numerous people on Reddit (anonymously) and reactions differ. The last one was brushing it off, saying ‘you’re a good guy..'”-

    – like I suggested to you earlier today, it is unwise and irresponsible to post your sexual story in public forums:

    When you ask people if you are immoral- don’t you want an answer from a person that you consider moral? How do you know if the people who answer you are moral or immoral.. the answers are  only as good as the people providing those answers, and you don’t know who is answering you.

    Plus, you don’t know who  is reading your sexual story: some may get turned on by it: is that the affect you want your story to have? You don’t know if someone reading your story and the messages by those who say that what you did was okay, may be encouraged to do what you did. You don’t want that affect, do you?

    Your goal in posting this story is to feel better, but you didn’t accomplish this goal, no matter what responses you got. You got a response saying “you’re a good guy”, but you wrote about that response, “it is not enough”. And my response to you made you “feel worse”.

    Thing about morality, is that it is not about what makes you feel better or worse, it is about what behaviors are right (not harmful to others) and what behaviors are wrong (harmful to others).

    Here is what I suggest: start your own thread without the sexual details. There is plenty to discuss without those details. If you start your own thread I will answer you there. This here, is my last reply to you on this old thread.

    anita

     

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