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Letting go of Childhood mistakes?

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  • #364692
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita, okay I will do that and. And if I can, I will remove the post here. I understand that ito ly adds to sexual incentives that are already way too common on the internet regardless of my own story.

    #365343
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m so grateful for this thread. I have been struggling for months with things I did when I was 11-12. But I would like some help with one my brain has recently brought back to light.

    I have never really been a sexual person. But when I discovered self pleasuring when I was 11-12, I did it a lot. Like, even at sleepovers I would do it. It’s embarrassing, and I feel disgusting about it.

    i even one time while at a cousin’s house, sharing a bed with my mom (she was asleep) I did it. At the time I obviously thought nothing of it. But it feels so violating, like I violated her, even if it was never about that. I want to throw up just typing this out. I never self pleasured because of her, though.  even just alluding to that makes me ill. I want to tell her because I think she will understand and tell me everything is fine, but it is so deeply personal and weird to tell your parents something like that, you know?

    I also remember doing it while laying on the couch with my head in my dad’s lap. I feel like I did it everywhere. I feel so disgusting.

    i just feel like it was something non-consensual, but nobody knew I was doing it. I was just a hormonal tween. Nobody got hurt, nobody ever knew. I was extremely discreet about it. But I did it at so many different houses. It feels like a violation of privacy, if that makes any sense.

    im seeing a therapist but I literally can’t get over how revolted I feel with myself. I know people probably have done this, this is not an uncommon thing, EVERYONE self-pleasures at places that aren’t their own home, or even their own bed! But I can’t help but feel disgusting.

    I thought typing this out would help, but it didn’t really. Idk what to expect typing/confessing here. I feel like dying. It has really been a struggle. I want to let go of stupid things I did as a tween but I can’t. I don’t know how.

    meanwhile, I want to tell everyone who has posted in this thread that you are amazing. You are not your thoughts. You are not your mistakes. Guilt and shame are simultaneously evil yet beautiful emotions. It proves you are not that person you think you are. You are not disgusting, you are human. Everyone makes mistakes they deeply regret. Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. And I say these things while posting about my own problems… it’s hard to follow my own advice. But I hope I can help someone else.

    #365413
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hend:

    I would like to understand you better before I respond further, therefore I ask:

    1. You wrote: “I want to tell everyone who has posted in this thread that you are amazing”- why do you believe that children who posted about engaging in sexual activities with younger children, sometimes way younger children,  and with animals are amazing?

    2. You wrote: “Guilt and shame are simultaneously evil yet beautiful emotions”-

    – What is evil about guilt and shame?

    -What is beautiful about guilt and shame?

    anita

    #366477
    Maria
    Participant

    when i was about 12-13 years old i tried to make my dog lick my nipple. it was a long time ago and i even forgot about it. but now, at 20 years old and with terrible OCD i suddenly remembered this happened. i feel extremely guilty. i always sincerely loved animals, i have no ideia why i tried to do it. i know it would have been way worse if it actually happened, but knowing that i tried makes me want to vomit. i still have the dog and 2 cats. everytime i look at them i feel like i don’t deserve their love. i even thought about killing myself. i’m on medication and seeing a therapist but i don’t think i will be able to tell them about this. i just feel too ashamed.

    #366495
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maria:

    I am sorry that you suffer from OCD- I have, for many years and I know how it feels. As you know, even if you tell about this or that thought, and you stop obsessing about it.. there will be another thought, and yet another. Key is to disengage from the thoughts you obsess about instead of.. engaging with them.

    No one here can make your latest obsession go away. How is your therapist helping you?

    anita

    #367162
    Colin
    Participant

    I want to start this off by saying what I did haunts me and I feel like I will never be able to forgive myself for this. This memory has been sruck with me for the past week and I din’t know if it will ever leave. I was a very sexually curious child and I was introduced to porn at a very young age. I never had many friends and I always felt lonely so that was my escape from the lonliness. I got more and more curious and things just got worse and worse. This happened when I was around 12-13, I had started becoming attracted to my sister who was a year younger than me, just saying that now feels disgusting and it makes me feel horrible. I would masturbate thinking about her and I knew what I was doing was wrong, I just didn’t know how to control myself. One day O did something that is probably going to stay with me forever and never go away, I saw my sister sleeping and I watched her sleep and masturbated while doing it, I just feel revolting and sometimes I don’t think I deserve to be alive. I will never be able to forgive myself for what I did and I’m here be ause there is no one else for me to go to.

    #367191
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Colin:

    How old are you  now, approximately, and did you ever talked about this with a counselor, or a psychotherapist?

    * I will be back to the computer to read your reply, if you reply, in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    #367240
    Colin
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am now 16 years old about to be 17. The only person I’ve talked about this to is my S/O and things are a lot different between us now. I may go see someone about this and try and get the help I need. Right now I am learning to cope and trying to improve myself and become a better person.

    #367247
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Colin:

    I am glad to read that you are trying to get the help you need and that you want to become a better person. Because of the sexual nature of what you brought up, I believe that a private, confidential setting such as in an office with a qualified psychotherapist is the best place for you to talk about this. On any other topic, you are welcome to start your own thread and I will reply to you there.

    anita

     

    #367290
    Vivek
    Participant

    Hello,

    I am not sure if this thread is still active but read a couple of old posts and felt the urgent need to write all my guilty horrible past which were haunting me from time to time.

    I am a 24 year old man having a good job and consider myself a very career oriented person. I know how as a child due to lack of sex ed and sexual advancements there are weird things hat a kid tries and from some of the posts here, I feel it is not very uncommon amongst kids to explore sexually at a very tender age. I too have had similar experiences when I was around the age of 10. I often heard my parents having sexual intercourse at night and was having various thoughts (evil) and was angry and confused as I lacked the proper understanding of sex and why adults do it. This gave rise to some very bad and terrible things that I did some of which I have very faint memory of. Listing it below:

    1. I was cycling at my apartment. Suddenly stopped infront of a women and I touched her breast. Immediately got a slap back from her to which I was terrified for days as I didn’t speak to anyone about it.
    2. Playing a game with my cousin which went on to touching and seducing her (No violence involved just friendly play for which I think she was ok having fun and wanting it)
    3. Playing with my cousin at the terrace and asking her to show her under pants (Very faint memory)
    4. Leaving school early and reaching the bus early. I do not remember all of it but I took advantage of a girl who was not right mentally and touched her genitalia once or twice. I am feeling horrible writing this as I now understand that this is pathetic and only a sick person would even think of doing this!
    5. Probably at the age of 13-15, I took advantage of a domestic help by touching her inappropriately (Vaguely remember this but there was no violence or penetration invloved)

    Now out of these, I get that points 1,2, and 3 can be not so serious but 4 and 5 always keep coming back to me and I don’t know what to do with it. I am completely normal now that I am an adult but these stupid things that I did when I was young is something which keeps on bothering me. I blame myself for not thinking twice before doing this horrible things but can’t change anything which is already done.

     

    How do I get over all this mess?

     

     

     

    #367367
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Vivek:

    A private setting is appropriate for discussing sexual matters like this, not a public setting such as this public forum. Best, I believe, is the private, confidential setting of an office with a professional psychotherapist who has experience with clients dealing with sexual shame and guilt. Because you have a good job, I hope you can afford such help.

    Having read your list, in general, when you take advantage of a mentally challenged person and you want forgiveness for such an act, you can make amends for what you did by donating money or services for an organization that serves the mentally challenged. But such will be best to discuss in the confidential, private setting of an experienced, competent therapist.

    anita

    #367562
    Unknown_marshmello
    Participant

    So when I was 12 I caught my 4 years younger cousin touching me but I pretended to sleep because I enjoyed it. So from the next time I took his hand and touched my private parts. I didn’t know it was at that age. It continued for a year but then we lost contact. When we met again I was 15 and I took his hand and again touched me when he used to think that I am sleeping. That time I was going through depression but the following morning I realised my mistake and regretted it and never did it again. I am very guilty. Can because of me my cousin can become a rapist? Hope God forgives my sin.I have been touched as a child by my 12 years old cousin. I was 6. After few months of touching he never touched me again. Also a stranger at my school used to touch me. I don’t remember his face. Maybe the principal saw us. My older cousin touched me as a part of a game.When I was 12……I used to be quite horny and used to text some random strangers about sex.I even gave one of them my old WhatsApp number.At that age I was new to those things.So we talked about 10 minutes.After that I blocked him and he never tried to contact me again.I sent him a googled face image which was suppose to be me.He sent me an image of him too which I remember but not completely how he looked.So now I don’t remember whether I had sent my nudes or not.Before this month I was sure that I didn’t but this month I have been doubting more and more as the days are passing.I have been through a lot this whole month.I am 15.I am sure that at that age my breasts hadn’t grown fully and I had pubic hair and was quite chubby.

    I wanted to be pure for my lover and now because of my mistake….I am no more pure. I hate myself and doesn’t trust myself. I feel like I betrayed my family. Nobody will love me. I want to become a singer in the future and secrets like these can ruin my life forever. Why was I even born? What can I do to stop feeling guilty? I know you are disgusted at me. I am too.

    #367568
    Unknown_marshmello
    Participant

    When I was 12……I used to be quite horny and used to text some random strangers about sex.I even gave one of them my old WhatsApp number.At that age I was new to those things.So we talked about 10 minutes.After that I blocked him and he never tried to contact me again.I sent him a googled face image which was suppose to be me.He sent me an image of him too which I remember but not completely how he looked.So now I don’t remember whether I had sent my nudes or not.Before this month I was sure that I didn’t but this month I have been doubting more and more as the days are passing.I have been through a lot this whole month.I am 15.I am sure that at that age my breasts hadn’t grown fully and I had pubic hair and was quite chubby.

    So when I was 12 I caught my 4 years younger cousin touching me but I pretended to sleep because I enjoyed it. So from the next time I took his hand and touched my private parts. I didn’t know it was at that age. It continued for a year but then we lost contact. When we met again I was 15 and I took his hand and again touched me when he used to think that I am sleeping. That time I was going through depression but the following morning I realised my mistake and regretted it and never did it again. I am very guilty. Can because of me my cousin can become a rapist? Hope God forgives my sin.I have been touched as a child by my 12 years old cousin. I was 6. After few months of touching he never touched me again. Also a stranger at my school used to touch me. I don’t remember his face. Maybe the principal saw us. My older cousin touched me as a part of a game.

    I know I did wrong. I want to become a singer in the future and it can ruin my image and career. What if those nudes come out in public? Nobody will love me…..I am a sinner. My lover will hate me. I am no more pure because of my mistake. Why? I can’t even remember if I had sent my nudes or not. Will my younger cousin forget everything? What if he reveals everything to the world about him touching me and I enjoyed it(although he doesn’t know)? He already disrespects me a lot. I love him as a brother. I am scared. Am I a disgrace to my family? When I recently talked to my younger cousin about it, he denied all the allegations. What could it mean? Please help me!

    #367563
    Unknown_marshmello
    Participant

    Am I no more a virgin? What if my nudes get leaked? Why can’t I remember if I had sent nudes or not? Why am I so useless?

    #367588
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Unknown_marshmello:

    I can see how troubled you are about what you shared. It will surely be worth it for you if you saw a professional counselor or psychotherapist to discuss the matter. You are 15, maybe a school counselor will be a starting point for you.

    The place to discuss this topic is in a professional private, confidential setting (such as in a counselor’s office), not on a public forum such as this. If you choose to share this with a counselor/ psychotherapist, make sure that the counselor is professional at all times.

    If you want to start a new thread on the topic of your depression, but without the sexual details you provided here, you are welcome to do so and I will communicate with you there.

    anita

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