December 3, 2020 at 4:49 am #370378
There is no story that is exactly like yours. I hope you find a way to tell your exact story in the private, professional and confidential setting of psychotherapy. I hope you find a psychotherapist who will help you to no longer experience that “constant mental torture”.
anitaDecember 5, 2020 at 12:17 pm #370548
I suppose you are correct that there’s not story exactly like my own in every detail.
Still i can’t help but keep searching for one. a big part of me just wants to find someone with enough similarities to my own. I just want to get to talk to somebody like me. i feel that would take alot of weight off my shoulders.
i will take your advice and consider therapy as well.December 5, 2020 at 12:29 pm #370549PaulParticipant
Trust me bro, just share your story here I know it’s hard for you but every user on this form has done many things in their childhood they’re not proud of me. Take me for example, I’ve made so mamy mistakes especially during middle school (8th grade) if you read my story in the previous page you would know, but for right now old are you? and how many years ago did this mistake that you made take place. You’ll feel a lot better when you type it all out, it’ll feel like a lot of pressure is off your shoulder and you can finally start your healing process after it’s all done. I’m here to listen to you because I know exactly how you feel it’s been destroying me mentally as well.December 5, 2020 at 12:43 pm #370550
look, i appreciate your support but i really don’t know about giving away my details even as anonymous.
i’ll just say this. i did it because i thought it was a normal thing to do. Even i can feel myself doubting me when typing that. but it’s the truth. And i’m 22 btw. and i was 15 when all that happened.
i just try not to overthink things. but it’s tempting not to when you’re with your thoughts 24/7.December 5, 2020 at 12:58 pm #370552PaulParticipant
Alright man, I get you. I don’t wanna put no pressure on you but just trying to give advice that you’ll feel a lil better you know. And that thing literally happened 7 years ago, you’ll be ok my boy. much loveDecember 6, 2020 at 5:40 am #370563
I have a few thoughts for you to consider, if you want to consider my thoughts:
I appreciate it that you don’t want to detail what you did seven years ago on a public forum. It is very important that you don’t give sexual details of what you did because you don’t know who will be reading it. Someone may read those details, get turned on by them, and decide to do what you did to someone else. So better not.
There is surely someone, probably quite a few people with very similar stories to your story of what happened when you were 15. I am sure of it because you are human and your brain operates like other people’s brains. It is impossible that your thoughts seven years ago did not occur to anyone else.
You are not an alien from outer space, your thoughts and behaviors are therefore human, like other humans. There really is not a single thought and feeling that you experienced that is unique to you alone.
Let’s say you find someone with a story that is very similar to yours in a forum, or elsewhere- that wouldn’t make your story any different than it is; it wouldn’t make your story any better or worse, neither will it make you a better or worse person.
What I think will help you regarding what happened is the following:
(a) Figure out first if you harmed someone when you were 15. If you don’t know, seek a professional on the topic so to figure out if someone got harmed because of you, or was likely harmed by you.
(b) If you figure that someone was likely harmed by what you did, figure next if there is anything you can and should do so to make amends to that person. If you don’t know if you should, or you don’t know what kind of amends will make sense- seek a professional to help you with that.
(c) If you figure that a person was likely harmed, and there is something you can and should do to make amends to that person, for example, to send that person money for psychotherapy- do it.
(d) Let’s say that you figure that although you likely harmed someone, it is better for that person that you do not contact him or her, then you still can make amends for what you did by helping someone else, for example, to send money to a charity that helps people like the one you harmed.
(e) If you feel that you have certain temptations and an impulse control problem, and therefore, you may repeat what you did seven years ago, seek a professional so to learn impulse control skills.
anitaDecember 6, 2020 at 6:28 am #370564
I have absolutely no impulse, nor desire to ever to those things again. Second, i don’t know why anyone reading this forum would get turned on by what others have shared.
The reason i want to find someone like me is that it will give me comport in knowing that i am not unusual. that i too can be deserving of love. I have a good heart and only want to do good.December 6, 2020 at 6:51 am #370567
Regarding your first paragraph: I am glad that you have no impulse or desire to do those things again. I am also glad to read that you don’t know why anyone reading the sexual content in this forum would get turned on- because it means that you don’t. Unfortunately, some people do.
How do I know? Because there are people in this world that are turned on by sex with animals and sex with minors: this is why pornography on the two topics exists. There are people who pay to watch those things, and they pay for it because it turns them on. It is a very unfortunate reality that you cannot deny, can you?
Regarding your second paragraph: you do deserve to be loved because you do have a good heart and you only want to do good, just like you wrote.
anitaDecember 6, 2020 at 7:22 am #370568
Disguising, those people with honest desires for those things are despicable.
It’s people who didn’t know better as kids that deserve a chance at a normal life. i hope everyone on here gets better.December 6, 2020 at 7:33 am #370570
I strongly feel that indeed people who act on such desires are despicable.
“It’s people who didn’t know better as kids that deserve a chance at a normal life”- this means that you deserve a chance at a normal life.
anitaDecember 9, 2020 at 12:00 pm #370780EParticipant
Thank you! I have made my own thread on my own mistake when I realized here is not the place to discuss it, and your list of techniques seems very helpful and I will try them out. It really is a relief to see that so many other people make horrible mistakes in childhood, and that we can’t shackle ourselves to our mistakes as children.
I hope that we can forgive our child selves for doing things they didn’t fully understand, and pray that we and our victims (if they were traumatized by our mistakes) can find healing. Achieving a sin-free life isn’t possible, we will all make mistakes, but it is the lessons we learn from them that are the most important, I think. Please try, like Anita has helpfully told us, to seek professional help.
Your guilt proves that there is good in you. It is worth living for!December 18, 2020 at 9:34 am #371299Why is hereParticipant
Hi. I also have a troubling memory. When I was around 12 or 13 years old I found erotica stories online. No one explained to me what sex was or the concept of boundaries. All I knew were stories about crazy things: incest, dog sex ecc… (and I thought it was normal). I remember one time while playing with my brother I took his hand and put it on my boob. I have no idea why. I immediately felt it was wrong and never did it again. I remember other times when i felt some kind of sensation when his legs were bwtenn mine. I didn’t do anything. But now I worry I scarred him for life. I didn’t know what I was doing. When I realized it was wrling(I had a bad sensation) I also stopped reading the eroetica. Am I a bad person? I am in a happy relationship now and I fear I don’t deserve it and if my partner knew how disgusting I wa she would leave meDecember 18, 2020 at 9:34 am #371300Why is hereParticipant
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi. I also have a troubling memory. When I was around 12 or 13 years old I found erotica stories online. No one explained to me what sex was or the concept of boundaries. All I knew were stories about crazy things: incest, dog sex ecc… (and I thought it was normal). I remember one time while playing with my brother I took his hand and put it on my boob. I have no idea why. I immediately felt it was wrong and never did it again. I remember other times when i felt some kind of sensation when his legs were bwtenn mine. I didn’t do anything. But now I worry I scarred him for life. I didn’t know what I was doing. When I realized it was wrling(I had a bad sensation) I also stopped reading the eroetica. Am I a bad person? I am in a happy relationship now and I fear I don’t deserve it and if my partner knew how disgusting I wa she would leave me.</p>December 18, 2020 at 10:34 am #371316
Dear Why is here:
“I immediately felt it was wrong and never did it again… I also stopped reading the erotica. Am I a bad person?”- once you noticed your behavior was wrong, you stopped it immediately and never repeated it. You also stopped watching erotica that led you to that wrongdoing. In other words, you corrected your behavior immediately and kept it corrected long term- this makes you a good person.
“I am in a happy relationship now and I fear I don’t deserve it if my partner knew”- your partner too made “Childhood mistakes”, maybe she too fears that you will leave her if you knew.
anitaJanuary 6, 2021 at 3:38 pm #372337DavidParticipant
Ok. This is kind of a big one but bear with me here. This story is similar to the one about the guy who was 10 and inserted into a 2 year old.
I was sexually abused when I was 11 and when I was about 13, I did a series of things that I am disgusted over.
I snuck into my cousins room and put my you know what in the hand of one and I tried to insert into the other. I also licked her foot and licked the foot of my aunt while she was asleep on the couch.
A few months later, I did the same attempted insert to another person.
I had completely forgotten all about it as well as my being sexually abused until this year (I am 26 now) and all these repressed memories started flooding back to me.
Is there something wrong with me? I could never do this to anyone as an adult. I recently made contact with my cousins. They are both fine and happy so no damage was done but I still feel sick with myself. I wasn’t old enough to understand how bad this was from the bigger picture perspective, but at the time I did know that it wasn’t right but I didn’t stop myself for some reason.
Time went by and I started doing drugs and eventually decided to sober and grow up and that’s when the memory had hit me.
I want to connect with and have good relationships with everyone and have some peace of mind but this is stopping me. Wondering if I can look my uncle in the eye and keep this secret.
What do I do? Am I a bad person? Sometimes the guilt isn’t so strong, and sometimes it is overwhelming.
I just want to be free of my past and able to live peacefully in the present. Do I have any hope of living a normal life?