January 6, 2021 at 4:27 pm #372348
You asked: “Do I have any hope of living a normal life?”- yes, I think so.
“Am I a bad person?”- what is your definition of a “bad person”? If give me a clear definition, I will be able to tell you if I am a bad person, according to your definition. And if I am, I don’t think that you want a bad person to tell you if.. you are a bad person, do you?
* I will be away from the computer for a while.
anitaJanuary 6, 2021 at 6:47 pm #372350
Someone who does something unforgivable.
To be honest, I spent my entire life not thinking about anyone but myself and not realizing it and now I am a very anxious and paranoid person.
I just wish that I can go back in time and stop myself from doing things. Burning bridges. I want to care about people now.January 6, 2021 at 7:59 pm #372351
I suggest that you start your own thread and share there about what you mean by spending your entire life not thinking about anyone but yourself, and about how it is that you’ve become “a very anxious and paranoid person”, but please do not mention there the sexual details that you mentioned on this thread. If you start your own thread I will reply to you there, if you don’t- I wish you well.
* I will be back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.
anitaJanuary 6, 2021 at 9:31 pm #372353
To be honest, I’m just looking for closure. Can I give it to myself since I was only 13 at the time and no one knew or got hurt?
Can I successfully move on from this?January 7, 2021 at 11:53 pm #372424
My feelings on the matter go back and forth but I’m starting to think that it was in fact unforgivable. I feel as if I have ruined my life.
I have been told before that I’m not a bad person because of this but I just can’t see it that way without dismissively rationalizing it. I honestly feel as bad as a rapist or a pedophile.
It’s become very difficult to allow myself to be happy and it’s always in the back of my mind whenever I am talking to someone.
Maybe this is partially an OCD type thing.
January 8, 2021 at 6:10 am #372429
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by David.
“I have been told before that I’m not a bad person because of this but I just can’t see it that way”-
– if one, ten or a hundred people here tell you that you are not a bad person because of this, you will not see it that way either.
Personally, I don’t know if you are a good or bad person. Also, I don’t feel comfortable discussing sexual matters of this kind on a public forum (this is why I suggested that you start your own thread without the sexual details). Here is what I suggest: see a professional psychotherapist. In the context of private and confidential therapy, address all that is troubling you.
Unless you start your own thread, I will no longer reply to you here. If you are not a good person, I hope that you become a good person and find in that peace of mind.
anitaJanuary 8, 2021 at 6:17 am #372430
* Correction of sentence before last:
I will no longer communicate with you on this thread. If you start a new thread (without the sexual details), I will communicate with you there.
anitaJanuary 8, 2021 at 9:48 am #372428PhilParticipant
I need some advice and wonder if this thread is the right place to get it.
I have fleeting memories of when I think I was 12, I touched a 6 year old friend of the families daughter between her legs when she voluntarily showed herself to me. I know I didn’t hurt her and I know I felt I had done something very wrong instantly. I remember telling her what I did was wrong straight after and that I shouldn’t have done that. I have a later memory of her mum telling me in an unrelated conversation that she was ‘only 6’ and giving me a stern look. I also remember her parents at both funerals of my parents years later. The later funeral her mum took me by the shoulders, face to face and asked if I was ok. I asked them if they were coming to the wake and the father sneered and said no. I can only assume they knew what had happened so many years before. I am 52 now and live up north of the country. I have carried immense guilt, anger and self loathing at myself all my life. Earlier in my life I tried to take my own life, which only hurt more people who loved and cared about me. I thought later, after 2nd funeral when her mum approached me, she may have known of my suicide attempt. I confided in a very good friend about what happened when I was young, and she told me I was a child and should have been told rights and wrongs and should forgive myself and see the good in realizing that what I did was wrong straight after. I managed to do that for many years, but lately, whether it’s a result of the pandemic and lockdown playing with my head; I have been absorbed in guilt again about what happened. For a few days around Christmas, I felt quite suicidal thinking about this. I have been with my partner for many years and know I wouldn’t attempt suicide, as that would destroy her. I started taking CBD oil, which only helps me sleep really.
I sought out the girl on Facebook. She looks very happy and is happily married with children of her own. Her husband looks like a gentle and kind man.
I feel the need to apologise for what happened all those years earlier. But if I did, it may scare her or bring back damaging memories for her.
I don’t know what to do.
PJanuary 8, 2021 at 1:00 pm #372449
“I have carried immense guilt, anger and self loathing at myself all my life. Earlier in my life I tried to take my own life”- I imagine you attended psychotherapy/ counseling?
anitaJanuary 10, 2021 at 5:39 pm #372578AAParticipant
So basically I have similar issues as to what most people on this forum are dealing with. Let me just point out I suffer with OCD intrusive thoughts and have been since I was 12. At around that same age is when I did something I wholeheartedly regret and feel ashamed of. It often did pop up in my head, but I was able to distract myself with other things as I was busy with work etc. During the last lockdown in March 2020, I was dealing with so much mentally and it was really getting me down so I decided to talk to a friend who was understanding and supportive. I also spoke to my parents and they have both said mistakes happen at that age and that I should try my best to move on and not get down on myself. (We did discuss it further though). I feel like the need to talk was more so due to my OCD (confession OCD) as well. Since I’m well respected by peers and both my parents, it made me feel like I was a fraud. To be fairly honest, in the moment I was talking to my friend I felt really low and was not thinking about whether or not I should discuss it with anyone. I couldn’t find a therapist as quickly as I’d hoped and I just had to let it out somehow. Like I said I also suffer with OCD intrusive thoughts and I feel like that played a part. Now my issue is, I feel because of what I’ve confessed, that the closest people in my life will see me differently. (They do not act differently towards me at all). I’m a hardworking guy, I’m still young and love my family and looking forward to creating a good future for myself as well as them. I pray a lot and ask god for forgiveness all the time. It’s just sometimes I can’t function when I’m studying or when I’m just going about my life especially now that we’re in another lockdown, I just keep thinking my parents might see me differently or that my friend might tell someone (He has told me without me asking, that he will never talk to anyone about it) and it just haunts me to the point I can’t eat or sometimes sleep. I know it’s a lot to do with my OCD , I feel like I shouldn’t have told anyone and that would have been easier since I’ve not been vocal about it for a very long time (I’m 25). At the same time I did get a huge sense of relief back then and I still have that sense of relief so if it ever comes back in the future I’ve kinda already faced it (if that makes sense). Also my friend is a trustworthy person I’ve known for a long time. I just can’t seem on some days to get these thoughts out of my head. Can you suggest anything please? I just want to have peace of mind and focus on doing what I need to do in everyday life.
Thank you.January 11, 2021 at 10:06 am #372597
You shared that you (25 years old) suffer from OCD since you were 12. At that age you did something you “wholeheartedly regret and feel ashamed of” (let’s refer to that something as S).
Fast forward, during the March 2020 Lockdown, you obsessed about S, and you “just had to let it out somehow”- so you confessed to your parents and to a friend about S, and felt “a huge sense of relief”.
Fast forward to now, Jan 2021, another lockdown, you are obsessing about S and about an additional topic: “because I’ve confessed, that the closest people in my life will see me differently… I just keep thinking my parents might see me differently or that my friend might tell someone.. it just haunts me to the point I can’t eat or sometimes sleep.. I feel like I shouldn’t have told anyone”.
You asked me: “Can you suggest anything please? I just want to have peace of mind and focus on doing what I need to do in everyday life”-
– it will take some time and communication between you and I before I can offer you something more than for you to take a long walk when you are anxious.. or listen to a calming guided meditation. I will first tell you what I understand and then ask you a couple of questions. I am fine with whether you choose to answer them or not:
You obsess about two items at this point: (1) about S and (2) about your parents and friend disrespecting you, and that your friend will tell someone.
You obsess about these two items because you are afraid of what these two items mean, which is that you are a bad/ shameful person who deserves condemnation and rejection. You are afraid that your parents and friends/ society (if your one friend tells others) will catch up to your suspicion that indeed you are a bad/ shameful person who deserves their condemnation and rejection.
Put shortly and directly: you are afraid to be rejected and be left alone, all alone.
Am I correct so far, and if I am correct, can you tell me about your first decade of life (earlier than 10 years old)?
anitaJanuary 11, 2021 at 10:33 am #372599JoeParticipant
First, thank you for being you. I have been struggling quite a bit lately with an incident that happened when I was six years old. I don’t want to go into graphic detail, just know that I did something wrong sexually with someone younger than me while our Moms were doing drugs in the other room and I’ve carried the weight of it ever since. I realize this was wrong, I didn’t reoffend, but I did go about it in a sneaky way at the age of six and I think thats where I feel the worse. I was sexually abused myself by being exposed to pornography and adult sex in person and I was also abandoned and badly neglected. I’m having a really hard time forgiving myself, even though I’m almost forty now and me and the girl never were involved with each other after. I never did anything like this again and legitmatley have carried the pain my entire life. I would really appreciate hearing your take on this. I’ve always thought I was some kind of whacko/monster.January 11, 2021 at 11:53 am #372602
I am so sorry that you suffered abuse, abandonment and neglect so early in life. No wonder your childhood experience pained you then and for decades after (“have carried the pain my entire life)”.
You wrote to me: “I would really appreciate hearing your take on this. I’ve always thought I was some kind of whacko/ monster”-
– It will be easy for me to tell you: no, you are not some kind of whacko/ monster! You are a good person! But.. I don’t really know you, not even in the context of online communication. All I have is one paragraph from you. Therefore, it would be irresponsible and silly of me, to rush and say anything just so to hopefully make you feel better for a moment or two.
You are welcome to start your own thread by going to Forums above, choosing a Category, and scrolling down the page. If you do, I will further communicate with you there.
anitaJanuary 11, 2021 at 12:35 pm #372606PaulParticipant
its me paul again, ever since the past months I’ve confessed what I have done, I took a break from social media and tried to clear my head and take time to myself. With all the time to myself I thought a lot about what happened to me and why I did what I did. I remembered everything, everything that happened to me before the age of 10. I’ll start it off, this is the last time I will be confessing everything. Every single sin, every single mistake that haunts me. Today is my 18th birthday and I want to leave everything behind me beofore I move I start my life. So here it is. When I was 7 I was molsted by a few older kids. Since I came to the U.S at 10 years old this all happened back in my home country. The older kids were around the age of probably 16. When we had restroom breaks during school we all would go to the bathroom and the older boys would do things to me like grab my hand and place it on their penis. Turn me around and hump me. I even remember once when we had an assembly in school they would make me get under the desk and kiss their stuff. They knew I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to but they still did it. I didn’t tell anyone about this, I don’t know why. There was another incident I slightly remember back in my home country when me and the neighbors kid would play soccer and he used to ask me to touch penisis. I kept telling me to do it so I did. He was around the same age as me. (Keep in mind this was all before the age of 10). I think I remember my uncle touching me as well when he used to come home drunk everyday. Fast forward, I turn 10 years old, my dad who was living in america told me, my mom and my sister to come to America cause he misses us. (now this is in U.S) When i was around 10 or 11 I made a friend here, the same age as me. We lived in the same apartment and My dad knew his dad for a long time. That kid told me if he wanted to do things to each other. And me who’s been sexually abused by older kids and did more things with other kids thinking it was normal said Ok lets do it. We would go to my parents room and used to pretend like we were having sex. We used to touch each other and many other things I don’t want to put too much detail into it. We used to do it almost everyday for a month until I wanted to stop. We never talked about it after that ever. We both are 18 now He lives a few blocks away from me, He’s still my bestfriend/brother. We are both straight and i came to the conclusion that it was just a childhood experimentation that we did. When I was around 13 maybe 14 but most likely 13 in middle school, I used to dry hump a girl that was around 9-10. She also lived in my apartment. I’ve already confessed about this 3 months ago on this thread. That is all, this are all the sins that I have committed during my childhood and the things that I have went through. I was exposed to everything including pornagraphy at a very very young age. I finally realise why I did what I did. It has been almost 5 years since it happened. The girl I did that with moved out of the apartment a long time ago, so I don’t even know where she is. I want to apologize but I don’t know her location, maybe she forgot about it? Because she hasn’t seen me in years so she doesn’t get that reminder of what we did. Maybe she forgot what my face looks like. Only god knows. Anyways, this is all. And to all the people reading who made childhood mistakes, it’s going to be okay. You’ll get through it.January 11, 2021 at 12:56 pm #372610AAParticipant
Hi again Anita,
Yes I wouldn’t mind answering , thanks for your time. What exactly would you like to know about my life before that age?