January 23, 2021 at 11:53 am #373361
Actually, the most peaceful time regarding the family was up till I turned 12 etc. Some major fights did occur after that and I can fill you if you want.
Only complaints I could have during that time was lack of attention from both my dad who is generally cold and my brother who was my idol at the time but we didn’t really spend almost any time together.January 23, 2021 at 12:09 pm #373362
1. You wrote that the most peaceful time in your family was before you turned 12. Do you mean that there were no arguments and no fights before you turned 12?
2. You wrote “Only complaints I could have during that time.. was lack of attention from both my dad.. and my brother”- are you talking about the time after you turned 12, or before (in your first decade of life)?
3. You are welcome to elaborate on those “major fights” that occurred after you turned 12.
anitaJanuary 23, 2021 at 1:11 pm #373363
1. Almost none that I remember, but there also wasn’t much affection either.
2. That was before I was 12.
3. My brother has a short temper so fights after that were usually him flipping out on me over something, in most cases minor from my point of view. They would last short because I would leave the room crying usually. After the fight we wouldn’t talk for 1-2 weeks and then he would say something to me and were talking again. This would happen maybe 2-3 times a year until I was 15 etc. I guess we did have fine relationship otherwise, except for the unresolved issues.
More importantly I forgot to mention an important detail.
The wall between my sister and brothers room was wooden and has a few cracks so you could see through. During this time, I would sometime go into my sisters room and see what he was doing through the cracks for a short period, this was inspired by me eagerly wanting to spend time with him and him not really being interested in me. I think he saw me or suspected once or twice but never brought it up.
I do carry slight shame because of this too, but I see it as an innocent act mostly. It’s very possible that the reason the possibility of the primary incident I’m writing about came into my head because of this.January 23, 2021 at 3:48 pm #373403
I do not have much time at the moment, and there may be something I may add when I am back to the computer in about 15 hours from now. But for now, seems to me that there was not enough attention or affection for you as a child, from a certain age onward, neither by your father nor by your mother.
You looked up to your 10-years older brother, maybe as a substitute parent-figure. When he flipped out on you over something, it was very scary for you because he was so much older than you, and there was no one to protect you from him, or to comfort you after those aggressive incidents. I imagine that you were anxious during the 1-2 weeks that he didn’t talk to you after those incidents.
His short fuse/ hostility in the context of inadequate attention and affection by your parents could have been what started your anxiety which fuels your OCD symptoms.
At the time you looked through the keyhole, what motivated you was a natural curiosity; it was a momentary impulsive act of a preteen. Years later, after you developed OCD-like symptoms, it so happened that you remembered the keyhole incident, and you retroactively added to the memory the OCD-factor: what was a simple memory of a curious child became an alarming memory, a memory that means more that it meant at the time.
Let me know if this makes sense to you, correct me where you think I am wrong, add what you would like to add, and I will reply further when I am back.
anitaJanuary 24, 2021 at 2:30 am #373426
There is probably some truth to what you are saying, but as I was saying, up until now I didn’t have that many problems with OCD and I’m generally a happy person, less so currently though.
Upon deeper inspection of the whole thought process and why I’m unable to fully let go is because of this loop in my thoughts.
1. I try to decide whether to tell him or not.
2. I decide it’s better not to tell him because the situation is completely irrelevant as I was curious kid and it was 13 years ago and it feels kind of selfish to burden him with things like this and perhaps weird thoughts that might accompany it since he is only human after all. In the worst case, he might get confused or angry about why I’m bringing up something like this.
3. This sometimes lasts for a few days but thoughts start coming to my mind like “it’s convenient for me that the right solution is also the easy solution.” and then it feels like a cop out, or for example the thought that this line of reasoning or similar could be used to validate not telling your spouse that you cheated on them hypothetically, which is of course bad therefore it’s a cop out again on why I don’t have to tell him. and back to step 1.
Obviously it’s not as simple as this but I tried to describe a guideline. I don’t really feel like I can definitely prove it to the OCD part of my mind why it’s justifiable to not tell him.January 24, 2021 at 7:35 am #373432
This morning, as I started to retell your story based on all your posts (it helps me process information better when I do that), I arrived at a difficulty regarding your memory of a dozen years ago. Before I get to the difficulty, I will share this: I know how unreliable and inaccurate memories are, particularly childhood memories: (1) Sometimes what we remember as one childhood event, really is a combination of several events that happened months and years apart. (2) Often, as adults, we insert later-life experience (what we heard, read and watched after an incident) into the memory of the incident.
(3) Often, as older children, teenagers and adults, in regard to sexual memories, we insert emotions into the childhood memory that as children we did not experience: a child does something, X, that at the time, he or she didn’t think anything about it, made no judgment of X being good or bad. Years later, the older child/ teenager/ young adult watches a program on TV that depicts X as a bad, shameful and alarming behavior. Next, the older child/ teenager/ young adult inserts that shame and alarm into the memory of doing X, and adding an intent/ thoughts to do bad, an intent. thoughts and emotions that weren’t there at the time/ did not happen.
Now, to your memory of a dozen years ago: “One day I was gonna use the bathroom and it was locked, she was showering. I decided it was a good idea at the time to stare through the keyhole and see her naked for about 30 seconds”. I tried to envision the incident: you are 10 or 11, needing to go to the bathroom, so you walk to the bathroom, reach it, open the door… but it doesn’t open, you figure it is locked. This means to me that you did not know that your brother’s girlfriend was showering when you tried to open the door. You discovered that the door was locked, so you figured someone is in there. Here is my difficulty: how did you know who was in the bathroom, why did you assume it was your brother’s girlfriend, and not your brother or another sibling/ someone else?
January 24, 2021 at 8:36 am #373437
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
You are correct and I realize that, I know that at the time I didn’t think it was that shameful, just slightly cheeky. I know now it’s a bad thing to do. My dilemma is this I guess, hypothetically if as a kid I stole some money from you with the thoughts that it was only a little bit bad to do it, and now realize it was really bad as an adult, do I owe you an apology?
To answer your question, I knew because when I tried to enter she said she’ll be out quickly, I’ve never done similar thing again to anyone if that’s what you’re wondering about.January 24, 2021 at 9:26 am #373440
You resolved my difficulty: your memory follows logic.
Your dilemma: “If as a kid I stole some money from you with the thoughts that it was only a little bit bad to do it, and now realize it was really bad as an adult, do I owe you an apology?”-
My answer is two folds:
1. Regarding your brother’s former girlfriend: you did not steal anything from your brother because he did not own the adult woman that showered that day, she was not and is not his possession. What you did was an act of disrespect primarily toward the woman (and to a lesser extent, toward your brother). An apology to her is appropriate if you are currently having some kind of a relationship with her, and if it is likely to benefit her to hear your apology.
If you do not have a relationship with her and it is not to her benefit to hear your apology, then your (a) sincere regret for peeking through the keyhole and (b) not repeating such an act, or a similar act- is, I believe, sufficient to resolve the event, and to let go of any and all shame and guilt on the matter.
2. In regard to your brother, you disrespected him at the time you peeked through the keyhole, but you did not betray him. I use the verb betray because you used it earlier, stating that you feel “like I betrayed my brother”.
You shared in regard to your brother that growing up he was your idol. You craved his attention but he hardly gave you any of his time. Also, he aggressively attacked you from time to time, giving you the silent treatments after each of those attacks. You didn’t use the word attacks, you used major fights instead (“Some major fights did occur”). This term suggests that the two of you attacked each other.
But I doubt that as a preteen and/ or as a teenager you attacked a man 10 years older than you, and that you attacked.. your idol. Reads to me that the fights were all his doing and that you were his victim. He stopped attacking you when you left the room crying:
“my brother who was my idol at the time but we didn’t really spend almost any time together.. My brother has a short temper so fights after that were usually him flipping out on me over something.. They would last short because I would leave the room crying usually. After the fight we wouldn’t talk for 1-2 weeks”.
You craved his attention so much, especially during those 1-2 weeks of him ignoring you, that you peeked through the wooden wall in between your sister’s room and his room, “inspired by me eagerly wanting to spend time with him and him not really being interested in me”.
In summary, in the context of you and your brother, he repeatedly betrayed you when he attacked you and ignored you following those attacks. Each one of his attacks on you was a betrayal of you.
On your part, you disrespected him one time.
I think that he owes you a heavy-duty apology that will include making amends to you/ partly compensating you for his repeated betrayal of his much younger, idolizing, trusting brother.
anitaJanuary 24, 2021 at 11:16 pm #373473
I want to thank you for helping me and all the other people here. You helped me clear out my thought process a bit and I do feel better, there is still some work for me to do, but I must do it alone.January 25, 2021 at 11:07 am #373493
You are welcome, Letgo2021, and thank you for your appreciation. I wish you well!
anitaJanuary 31, 2021 at 11:23 am #373784SunilParticipant
I am also suffering from same kind of situation about imense guilt about childhood mistakes.January 31, 2021 at 11:49 am #373819
If you would like, you can read my replies to other members on this thread, and after reading, you can let me know if my replies to others have helped you.
anitaFebruary 9, 2021 at 3:09 pm #374389BrianParticipant
Just looking to see if I share my story here and my troubles are you still responding to new people with individual feedback?
ThanksFebruary 9, 2021 at 3:09 pm #374363vincentParticipant
Hello david, by anychance if you ever sees this post can you please tell me weather have you able to recover from the thought. i had somewhat similar encounter when i was 12 or 13 . i am 18 and now i want to kill myself. also anita i would really appreciate if you could help me
thankyouFebruary 9, 2021 at 3:09 pm #374361vincentParticipant
thankyou somuch for what you are doing. so i am going to share something that happened when I was 12 or 13 or 14
so i discovered about pornography when i was around 11 i guess. My story is somewhat similar to the guy david
i only came to know what sex and masturbation was around a month or two before this incident. still i had a lot of question about it.
so there was this neighbour girl who is 7 years younger than me. one day she came to my house wearing a frock and i noticed she was not wearing any kind of under garment. i was on a bed and she started to sit on me and do some drawing. when she did that i started to touch her private parts and then started to masturbate myself. There was no force or threat or coercion involved. i don’t remember any penetration. she didn’t even know that i did this to her. The next event occured next day. the next day i did the around the same thing.
actually i never even had the idea that it was wrong or a crime during that time.
but i had this thought of that my mom will schould me if she ever find outl
thats all i never did anything again like that.
now i am 18. i was around a month ago came to know about the term Phedophiles and when i learned more about them, I suddenly came to this thought
i could accept that it was my age and harmones and i made stupid mistakes. but something is making me compare myself with a child molester or a rapist. i feel I am the kind of person who don’t deserve to live
by any chance anita, if you ever sees this post please reply. also please tell me weather should create a new thread without the graphic details.
also by anychance if anyone who had similar experiance who successfully got recovered from this, please let me know how you did that.
I am pretty sure she don’t even know if this happened and also i am pretty sure that she is very happy and she often used to play with her. i never really got this thought. i have no attraction to children and i am blessd with a good parents and i am their only child . i often feel like i made them failed as a parents.
I hope i could live the life that i had before this thought come to me.
again please someone say if they ever able to get rid of the guilt
have a great day!!!!