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Letting go of Childhood mistakes?

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  • This topic has 397 replies, 112 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by wanda.
Viewing 9 posts - 391 through 399 (of 399 total)
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  • #374412
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brian:

    I respond to people here, but I do not respond well to people sharing sexual details involving minors (or animals). The  appropriate context to share such is in the private, confidential setting of psychotherapy, not on a public forum such as this. If you would like to share your story without such details on this old thread, or in a new thread that you can start- please do and I will reply to you.

    anita

    #374413
    anita
    Participant

    Dear vincent:

    “anita, if you ever see this post please reply. Also please tell me whether I should create a new thread without the graphic details”-

    – I read your post and I have all the graphic details that I need to know in regard to your story. If you want to communicate with me for a while, it would be better if you start your own thread without sexual details (I already know what you shared here), and I will reply to you on your own thread.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #374440
    vincent
    Participant

    anita, as you said i started a new thread without any graphic detail. please help me

     

    thankyou

    #374441
    vincent
    Participant

    anita, i did that

    please reply there

    #375044
    wanda
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I hope you can reply to my message when you have time.

    I’m Wanda, I’m a 20 years old girl. Lately a bunch of things I did when I was a child came back to haunt me so I went to therapy, I got diagnosed with PTSD from one of those events and I’m working on forgiving myself for not knowing better at that time.

    All of these memories caused me a lot of stress and they were really confusing because I didn’t remember everything of course. I let two of them go but there’s one in particular that seems to cling to my back so hard. I remembered that I was carrying my little niece so when I sit down in the sofa, I thought her little hand made a pressure between my legs and then I closed my legs to feel that again. That was what I told my therapist, that it had been an accident but now I’m not so sure, I feel like the most sincere thing could be that I did it on purpose (as I made her tiny hand made the friction or pressure, I don’t even remeber) and I felt bad in that moment, I close my legs to accomodate me on the sofa and then I sit her on my legs and that was it. My niece was really little at that moment, she probably was 2-3 years old so I was 12 years old. I don’t know anymore, I just know that I regret so much and it’s not what I am at all. Maybe it’s that I condemn these acts so hard that I can’t give myself a free pass from this. At the same time, this has made me feel unworthy and not deserving of being loved, I feel like I’m hiding something and I don’t like that at all.

    I have to add that I have been around my niece while she grew up without aknowleding this event because I didn’t remembered at all, so I have other bunch of memories with her about running in the backyard, talking to her while sitting on my lap, playing to catch the ball and also she creater her own fb a weeks ago and she send me a fb request lol.  She’s already a 10 years old and she’s such a smart girl. And there’s nothing more than love for her in my heart. I truly don’t have bad intentions in my heart at all so of course I’m not proud of this.

    Yesterday I thought my therapist that I might could have done it on purpose but she didn’t think that was the case, so I don’t know If I should just straight tell her that I did it or I don’t know anymore but it’s hurting me so much. I know it happened once and that doesn’t define me but it still making me feel like crap or that I’m a monster not deserving of being loved or having children. I regret it so much and I know I didn’t hurt my niece but I can’t stop punishing me about it and I’m pushing people out of my life because I’m scared that they are going to leave me if I tell them about this thing I did as a child.

    #375066
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Wanda:

    First I will attend to the question of whether it was “an accident” or “on purpose” that you closed your legs so to better feel the pressure against you: it was neither an accident nor on purpose- it was an impulsive act: it was quick and done with very little thinking beforehand, if any. Children are by nature impulsive and it takes guidance and maturing, over time, for the child to pause between an impulsive urge to do something and the act itself, and within that pause to think: is this the right thing or the wrong thing to do? What are the long-term consequences of what I am about to do?

    Looking back, if you thought about the long-term consequences to your act, the guilt and regret you will be feeling for years to come- you wouldn’t have done it.

    The following publication is very relevant to your emotional struggle, please take your time reading the following patiently:

    In youth law. org/ publication/ Recent US SC Decisions suggest that justice system should not treat children as adults, it reads regarding the U.S. Supreme Court and two legal cases (the italicized) on the topic of sentencing children/ juveniles (under 18) for serious crimes (murder, armed burglary), the boldface feature is my doing:

    “beginning with the 2005 landmark case, Roper v. Simmons, in which the Supreme Court struck down the most extreme punishment- the death penalty- as a sentencing option for juveniles.. the Court relied on scientific and sociological research to conclude that ‘three general differences between juveniles under 18 and adults demonstrate that juvenile offenders cannot with reliability be classified among the worst offenders’ (1) children are more impulsive and have greater difficulty weighing the long-term consequences of their actions.. (3) children’s personality are more malleable, so it is more likely that they will change in response to positive influences

    “Five years later, in 2010, the Court relied upon Roper to eliminate the next most extreme punishment- life without parole- as a sentencing option for children who commit non-homicide offenses. The Court in Graham v. Florida noted fundamental differences between children and adults, lessening the moral culpability of children who commit crimes: ‘developments in psychology and brain science continue to show fundamental differences between juvenile and adult minds.. Juveniles are more capable of change than are adults, and their actions are less likely to be evidence of ‘irretrievably depraved character’ than are the actions of adults”-

    – what all this means is that the highest court in the U.S. understands that children (defined by law as younger than 18) are less morally culpable, that is, less morally and legally responsible for their actions (and inactions) than adults are, because children are impulsive, they don’t think about the long-term consequences of their actions, and because they did not complete their mental, emotional and physical development and maturation yet, they can still develop and mature into responsible adults.

    The younger the child- the more impulsive-  and less culpable (morally and legally responsible) the child for his/ her actions and inactions. The younger the child, the more mental, emotional and physical growth there is yet to take place. It is similar to this: you bake a cake. The instructions say to bake it for an hour, but you take it out of the oven after 15 minutes and judge the cake as a  bad cake. Not fair to the cake, is it?

    You wrote about the act: “it still making me feel like crap or that I am a monster… I can’t stop punishing me about it”- imagine that your case was taken to the Supreme Court: what do you think would be their characterization of you (a monster or something else?) and what would be their sentencing/ punishment, based on the quotes above?

    anita

    #375097
    wanda
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m glad that you reply to me. Thank you so much for your time.

    Sorry for my english, it’s not my first language.

    Last night I had such a bad night, I don’t remember when this happened and my memory is really blurry about it. I just remember what I did, that was that her tiny hand was between my legs and I just made it do a friction or presurre in there. Then I felt bad about it and just close my legs so I could accomodate myself  on the sofa and keep carrying her.  It was very brief and just happened once. Never again, and never again I think about it until now.

    I was spiraling last night because I’m just to scared of what I did, I didn’t mean to hurt my niece in any way and I know I didn’t but I’m scared that somehow this may resurfaced for her in the future and look at me like I am a bad person. I feel like this is such a wine stain on me. I agree with you that it was something impulsive, I mean in that moment I think I brush it off because I didn’t fully understand what I did as I do know, just that was bad for some reason and now that I understand I’m coming with everything against myself.

    I don’t think the Supreme Court would porsecute me for what I did, they would understand that I was still developing and they would probably send me to therapy. I understand I was still a child and I know that is not who I am today at all. But I feel like people is now quick to jugde you, not matter if you were a child back then, they probably would have know better than you at that time.  I also don’t know how to adress this with my therapist, she told me I can send her voice notes whenever I need but I think it’s a subject that maybe have to wait until I see her in session but I don’t know.

    #375107
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Wanda:

    You are welcome. I suggest that you discuss the sexual event further with your therapist- be it in voice notes or in-person. Discussing the event with a professional therapist is the right context because it is a private, confidential context.

    On the other hand, discussing the sexual event further/ repeating what happened (as you did in your recent post) in a public forum such as this-  is the wrong context because it is a public context. In a public forum anyone can read what you share.. and someone may get turned on by imagining what you did.. proceed to .. do it themselves.

    Therefore, I will no longer reply to you on this thread. If you want to, you are welcome to start your own thread where you will not repeat the sexual event you described here, but instead talk about your fear of people judging you on other matters (“people is now quick to judge you”)

    anita

    #375118
    wanda
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m so sorry that wasn’t my intention at all, I report my post.

    I’m going to discuss it on therapy.

    Thank you for your reply and kind words.

     

Viewing 9 posts - 391 through 399 (of 399 total)

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