December 2, 2016 at 9:02 pm #121784
* Dear imagine:
Yes, I am available but not for long tonight. Ten more minutes. Will be back at the computer in about ten hours. Yes, please do share and I will do my best to be helpful.
anitaDecember 2, 2016 at 9:25 pm #121786
* Dear imagine:
Thank you, by the way, for the kind words in your post above and you are welcome. Your suffering is evident, in your post, and I would very much like the opportunity to be helpful to you. Will be shutting down the computer and be back in ten hours or so. You can post on this thread or start your own (Click FORUMS, choose a CATEGORY, click chosen category, scroll down that page)- your choice.
anitaDecember 2, 2016 at 9:54 pm #121789
Okay thank you so much. I apologize for this might be lengthy. I just need to get everything out for you.
To start with, I was approximately 10 years old, I had discovered pornography earlier than then, although I'm honestly not sure when exactly. I just clearly remember that it was always very new and sparked curiosity at those years. This incident only happened that one time and never again has anything even remotely similar occurred. The entire thing lasted a very short amount of time too , around a couple minutes at most.
My family had a birthday get together at my grandma's house and a big amount of my family came to celebrate. I was in a room with my younger brothers and a few other younger cousins who we're watching TV and playing with the toys. The cousin that this is centered around is I believe a second cousin, and definitely not one that I ever saw often at all or anything. I just knew that she was the daughter of one of my more distant aunts whom I never saw very much either but she knew me from when I was younger. They're a part of a more extended family on my grandpa's side.
Anyways, I hate to admit that she was 2 years old and I was 10. I was there with her and we we're playing with toys and watching spongebob but no Ill thoughts had came up until literally moments before it happened. She was having fun playing with me and laughing, then out of the blue something just terrible sparked in me and I started to have sexual thoughts come into my head, and stupid me I was unable to control these thoughts or emotions or even recognize exactly what it was I was thinking of, all I knew in those moments was that I was being reminded of the things I would see in pornographic stuff online and I began to feel curious as to what that would feel like. I feel so fucking sick and shameful typing this I'm so sorry Anita.
I decided to take her to the restroom and nobody was watching as the restroom was in a darkish hallway. I just honestly feel to disgusted to use the proper words but I know you'll understand what I mean. In a time-frame of at most a couple minutes I showed her my thing and had her touch it but she laughed and saw it as something funny for some reason that I just don't know. The entire time that this happened there was never any bit of resistance showed from her, and there was absolutely no threat or violence or that involved. Then after I had her touch it I can't believe I'm actually saying this but I tried putting just the tip of it in her and I didn't allow myself to at all go any further than just past the surface because it was at that moment that I snapped out and realized that trying to know the feeling of what that would feel like was not worth it and I didn't try putting it in any further although it went just slightly past the surace as I said so I took it out and then I quickly pulled her pants back up and I think I washed both of our hands and it was moments after that her mom went into the room calling for her to go to the dining room I think, so right way I open the restroom door (it wasn't locked) and I took her to her mom just outside the room door and told her I was helping her wash her hands really quick and she didn't assume anything weird she just said oh okay thank you, and then she just took her to go away and that was the end of that.
I can't fucking believe what I did and nothing has allowed me to fully forgive myself for doing this. This event has been the only thing holding me back from achieveing any sense of freedom or happiness that actually lasts. I've felt so fuxking despised of myself for not being able to hold back and realize that what I was doing wasn't wirth it, before I went and did it. Even understanding that I too was a child who was watching the wrong things at way too early of an age has not allowed me to feel any sense of forgiveness for myself. I have never had any attraction to children in anway whatsoever and nothing like that has ever happened again or before that and I just feel so shameful for doing that to her because she just didn't deserve that. In all honesty I don't think she ever even knew who I was, I feel almost sure of it. She was so young and we never saw each other very much at all nor were we close in any way. I question if wether ir not she remembered or remembers or will remember this due to her being so young and that there was no form of violence or threat involved and because it was so brief, I just don't know. I hate myself for this regardless. I've wanted to just die after coming to terms with what I did and felt so disgusted with myself in that period of my life. I don't know how to move on from this. This isn't me.
After that incident I only had seen her about two or three times at little family get togethers but never attempted to even say hi to her or approach her because I was so shameful of what I did. I obviously don't know if she ever fold anyone ir anything. I saw her mom those few times and there was never any sort of weird demeanor involved it was literally as if nothing ever happened and we just said hi, hugged and stuff as usual.
I can say without a doubt that I am a truly genuine person with an extremely sensitive and loving heart towards others. I'm beginning college in February to get ky masters in psychology to become a mental health counselor helping those in desperate need of help. I've also had a life-long dream of being a musician and I'm still following that dream. I'm always centering my lyrics around the concept of learning from past mistakes or recovering from bad experiences in hopes that when others come across my lyrics they will feel a sense of being able to relate to somebody for once. I just want to save lives in every way I can while I'm still alive, but I can't seen to move on from this. I just can't. I am not that person and never truly was but I can't forgive myself for this. I just wish to move on and go on to inspire thousands of people who have struggled and I want to be able to stand out in my family as the one person who truly went all the way with their dreams and influenced large amounts of people. I don't ever want to be seen as the monster I've made myself to believe I am. I don't want to be scared any longer and I just hope every day that this incident didn't affect her extremely negatively but I don't know if it's even right of me to think that. I just need your help Anita I don't know who else to turn to. Please help me save myself from this if at all possible. Again, I thank you endlessly for your time and effort to be there for me. I'm so sorry to have shared this, I don't know if you have any clue.December 3, 2016 at 8:54 am #121794
Dear imagine, Part 1:
This is a difficult topic for me to reply to and I am taking my time with it (doing it in parts, at least two parts). What makes it especially difficult for me is knowing that you are not the only person reading this, that other people read this. I don't want to be misunderstood by any potential reader.
Therefore, a disclaimer first: I am a member on this website like any other member: I am not here as a professional of any kind, not in the mental health field nor in the legal field. I am not a psychotherapist nor am I an attorney.
I strongly believe that children should not watch pornography. In addition to this, I feel a strong dislike of pornography of any kind, being produced, marketed and/or viewed by anyone at any age.
For anyone reading this: it is wrong for any person of any age to sexually touch a child, no matter the ages of the children involved and no matter the circumstances. (Although teenage sex is common, I personally wish it was not).
anitaDecember 3, 2016 at 9:07 am #121795
Dear imagine, Part 2:
I did very little online research, the following are all quotes):
1) http://usatoday30. usatoday.com/ news/nation/story/2012-01-07/ child-sex-abuse/52431616/1
“…Basic data about child-on-child sex abuse is detailed in an authoritative, Justice Department-sponsored analysis of crime data from 29 states. Conducted by three prominent researchers, the 2009 analysis found that juveniles accounted for 35.6% of the people identified by police as having committed sex offenses against minors. Of these young offenders, 93% were male, and the peak ages for offending were 12 through 14, the researchers found. Of the victims, 59% were younger than 12 and 75% were female.
The report referred to a popular misconception that juvenile sex offenders are likely to reoffend, and said numerous studies over the years have shown the opposite — that 85 to 95% of offending youth are never again arrested for sex crimes.
…Experts say the young offenders differ from adult sex offenders not only in their lower recidivism rates, but in the diversity of their motives and abusive behavior.
While some youths commit violent, premeditated acts of sexual assault and rape, others get in trouble for behavior arising from curiosity, naivete, peer pressure, momentary irresponsibility, misinterpretation of what they believed was mutual interest, and a host of other reasons.
…'We have to distinguish between sexualized behavior that might be pretty normal — experimenting, touching each other — versus molesting, subjecting another child to harm,' she said”
2) https:// en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Child-on-child_sexual_abuse:
“…Child-on-child sexual abuse is an overt and deliberate action directed at sexual stimulation, including orgasm…In some instances, the perpetrating child was exposed to pornography …Major factors that affect the severity of symptoms include the use of force or coercion, the frequency of the abuse, and the invasiveness of the act.”
anitaDecember 3, 2016 at 9:28 am #121800
Dear imagine, Part 3:
What you did, at ten years old, that was wrong (quotes are from your post above):
1. “I (took) her to the restroom”
2. “.. and nobody was watching as the restroom was in a darkish hallway”
3. “I showed her my thing and had her touch it.. I tried putting just the tip of it in her…it went just slightly past the surface.”
#1 means: you had an intent to perform some sexual act on the girl.
#2 means: you knew that your intent was wrong, that it will be disapproved of, therefore you took her to an isolated location where there will be no witnesses.
#3 is the sexual act itself.
The elements of wrongness on the part of the ten years old: forming an intent, choosing a private location t execute the intent, and executing it. Also, age disparity: eight years. This means there is significant disparity in mental development between the two and ten year old. Intent and execution were done with no sexual participation by the two year old. Such participation from a two year old would probably not have been possible for a two year old. All initiative and execution were originated and carried on by the ten year old.
anitaDecember 3, 2016 at 9:56 am #121813
Dear imagine, Part 4:
The wrongness of the actions of the ten year old, according to your share, according to my very best understanding, had no damaging affect or effect on the two year old. In other words, no damage to the two year old was done. I state this, as my best understanding, because of the following quotes, from your share:
1. “The entire thing lasted a very short amount of time too , around a couple minutes at most… After that incident I only had seen her about two or three times at little family get togethers but never attempted to even say hi to her or approach her ”
2. “The cousin that this is centered around is…we never saw each other very much at all”
3. “she was 2 years old”
4. “…there was never any bit of resistance showed from her”
5. “there was absolutely no threat or violence or that involved”
6. “I saw her mom those few times and there was never any sort of weird demeanor”
These mean that the incident was of an extremely short, not preceded or followed by interactions of any meaning, no personal relationship involved. In other words, you were not an important person in her life, not a parent, not a sibling, not a neighbor she frequently saw.
She was too young to be aware of society's sentiments about sex, society's taboos and sentiments. That comes later and influences a person's view of sex and what it means to be involved in such. The lack of resistance on her part indicates she did not evaluate what was happening as something bad or wrong.
A two year old will sense violence, a threat- that she was old enough to sense. But there was none.
anitaDecember 3, 2016 at 10:04 am #121814
I'm left without words for your honesty and the time you took to speak about this tough topic. You and I both know how difficult it was speaking of this and I appreciate your effort more than anything. I sincerely apologize to anybody reading who felt discomfort reading this, I am dearly sorry for that and my past action. My action was wrong in every way, and with the little bit of hope I have left in myself, I will use that to attempt moving on in order to help anybody and everybody in suffering, wether it be a stranger or a loved one. I will spend the rest if my life giving everything I have back to the rest of the world because that is my only choice and chance of achieving happiness for others and possibly myself. I thank you so much, and once again I sincerely apologize.December 3, 2016 at 10:09 am #121816
Dear imagine, My Summary:
Three elements here:
1. It was wrong on the part of the ten year old.
2. Shared responsibility of the wrongness on the part of the ten year old. Responsibility is shared by
a. The pornographic industry without which this would not have taken place.
b. Lack of adult supervision that made it possible for you to watch porn before incident.
c. Lack of adult supervision in that play room. If there was such, a responsible adult would have prevented you from taking her to the restroom and none of it would have happened. The lack of supervision in the play room is troubling especially since there was a two year old among the children- too young to not be supervised for safety reasons, if for no other reason.
3. At the same time it was wrong on the part of the ten year old, as well as on the part of the porn industry as well as on the part on the non-supervising adults involved (notice they are involved by their irresponsible absenteeism), there is no damage done to the two year old.
Note to imagine the adult of present: your suffering is evident. In real terms, what you did wrong that time was not different in degree of wrongness to many, many other events that carry no sexual character. I am sure that you were impulsive multiple times, had a thought and carried it through. But you don't remember those many incidents because they had no sexual-abuse-flavor to them, so to speak.
The ten year old stopped himself during that incident from proceeding further and never repeated such activity.
Neither did the adult.
This incident is etched in your memory and affected you greatly. It may be an obsession by this point. This is regrettable.
Your thoughts and feelings are invited, anytime and I will further reply.
anitaDecember 3, 2016 at 7:24 pm #121842
I read your post in between my numbered posts. Based on your sharing on this thread, you were a ten year old boy not capable of processing a porn movie (unsupervised and obviously unguided by a parent on the issue of sex). Please, forgive that ten year old. He was impulsive. Children (and many adults) are often impulsive.
You concluded at some point that you are a monster and you need to “spend the rest if (your) life giving everything (you) have back to the rest of the world” (your last post). You were not and are not a monster. You have no debt to society. Please forgive that ten year old. He deserves your forgiveness.
This incident snowballed over the years into something it never has been. You may need competent therapy to heal from that snowball effect.
Because of the very sensitive topic, it is best if you don't share about this past incident with people outside confidential therapy.
anitaDecember 3, 2016 at 11:28 pm #121857
Hi Anita, thank you for coming back to add on to this. I will do my very best to forgive that ten year old me. I've been thinking everything through today, and had it not been for you I would still be carrying the same weight that I have been for nearly a decade now, the same weight that never allowed me to fully appreciate and accept all the good things that have happened in my life. Today has truly felt like the beginning of a new chapter in my life, one that I can hopefully enjoy much more, and I truly believe this is all thanks to you. I can't thank you enough for being here. I don't think many others would have been able to help me with such a topic. I wish you the absolute best in everything you do. I really believe You saved me from myself.December 4, 2016 at 8:06 am #121872
You are welcome. I sure hope our correspondence makes a significant, lasting difference in your well being! I hope you re-read our correspondence here whenever you need to, and proceed with psychotherapy if needed.
If you need to correspond with me further, any time in the future, without mentioning the incident and without bringing up this sensitive-topic correspondence (a member reported one of your posts above for “inappropriate content”, a feature available to every member, I suppose because of the sensitive topic), you can start a new thread, with your “imagine” username and I will remember this correspondence. There will be no need to mention it in the new thread.
anitaDecember 6, 2016 at 11:26 pm #122118
Hi everyone. I don't know if this thread is active but it is relevant to how I've begun to fee lately so I will share.
I will begin by saying that I'm extremely disgusted by myself and what I did. I have always been, I have always known it was messed up, but for some reason only recently (two or three days ago) did it begin to really burn in my mind and not let me do anything without thinking about it.
Anyways, here it goes. I'll try to make it as short as I can. I think I was about 16 years old. I was studying outside of the country and was staying with a family as a foreign student. I had my own private room in their house. This is getting hard to write… So the family had two cats, and one of the cats used to come into my room at night. Now, for some reason one of those nights I was feeling an extreme sexual desire, and I basically rubbed my male parts against the cats female parts and tail. That's pretty much all that happened that night, although I did masturbate later.
I didn't think much about it at the time, and I hadn't for the past five years, shaking it off as just an odd fantasy. But lately it's been really bothering me. I feel very disgusted of myself for doing that. The worst part is that I actually love cats as pets; I even have my own cat. So now I can't stop thinking about that and it makes me feel very disgusted with myself and I just can't be at peace.December 7, 2016 at 8:15 am #122152
Sexual desire for a 16 year old teenager is a very powerful desire (so I understand). I used to live in a place where there were a lot of stray cats in the streets and I remember well how strong the sexual desire was among the cats when in heat. It is a powerful force. This force motivates animals to mate and reproduce and that is the natural purpose of this desire.
A human is an animal with an additional brain part that other animals don't have. We have the same desires but are able to think, using language and we are able to observe ourselves, unlike other animals.
That night, what you did was to …. partially mate with a cat. It was impulsive. You didn't use your thinking and did not observe yourself. After the fact you did, lately, and it dawned on you that what you did was unacceptable.
This is a potential learning experience: here is a natural animalistic desire happening in a human with the ability to evaluate an action BEFORE doing it, before impulsively doing something you will regret later.
Learn the lesson, implement it now and in the future by considering the consequences of your actions before carrying them through, and let go of this … childhood mistake.
anitaDecember 7, 2016 at 2:41 pm #122197
Thank you, anita.
Your words do help. I've been telling the same thing to myself and I'm beginning to feel a bit better. I keep telling myself that my very shame is a good sign: it means my current moral standards are sufficiently good for me to recognize that what I did was deplorable. It's a bit hard to separate “what I did” from “I am”, though, and I end up saying that “I am deplorable”.
I do think that I'm forgiving myself slowly. I was a very different person back then, and besides, I was consumed by a very primitive feeling in me. However, I can't stop thinking about “what would people think if they knew?”, no matter how much I try to tell myself that it's fine, that the most important thing is for me to be at peace with myself. But then I start thinking about my love for cats and animals in general (I'm vegan), and if people knew of what I did, what would they think of that love? Would they think I'm just messed up in the head, even if they are not at all related?
Thank you again. I really needed to get this out of my chest and I appreciate you taking your time to read and reply, even though it might be very hard to do sometimes. I wish you all the good in the world.