January 3, 2017 at 8:28 pm #124460
I was on Zoloft (for OCD) 1996-2011, then on another SSRI for another two days before stopping altogether in late 2013.
I was on 400 mg per day (unheard of, isn't it?) most of those years and then down to 300 mg per day for a few years.
anitaFebruary 1, 2017 at 1:51 am #126524
Um, hello Anita. I would like to thank you for helping all the people on this thread by talking them through their trauma. I'm relatively new to forums, but I found this as I too was searching for help, for understanding from another human being. Please, relpy back should you get this.February 1, 2017 at 8:34 am #126537
You are welcome and welcome to posting. If you want to post about your situation on this thread or start your own thread (click FORUMS, choose a CATEGORY, click your chosen category, scroll down the page)- please do, and I will reply.
anitaFebruary 4, 2017 at 4:33 pm #126740
Hi everyone, I've been bothered by some thoughts the past few days and I think this would be the best way to ease my pains. So a bit of background, I was born in a 3rd world country and moved to the U.S. when I was 3. I lived a poor but very happy life there according to my mother. I really met my father in America, and he was not mature enough to be a father, that's for sure. He watched porn a lot and I caught him when I was 5 or so. My entire father's side was actually very promiscuous. My older cousins would walk around almost naked, my aunts would joke and grab my scrotum when I was little. At the time this all seemed normal. I even found some of my dads video tapes and watched them. I was maybe 6 or 7 at the time. I remember getting aroused but keeping it a secret. At around the same time my older cousins (who were female) started playing sexual games with me. They would build forts and tell me to lick them in their genitals. Being a young kid, I did not care but they did not reciprocate. My brother was born a few months, maybe a year later and I remember getting the impulse to know what getting my genital area licked felt like after we showered (we were poor so we had to conserve water by showering together) and I asked him to do it. I felt really weird afterward and I immediately took him off. I did not get any arousal from this and remember just shrugging it off. Another time I wanted to know what kissing felt like so I asked an extended family member to kiss me on the lip. She was maybe 5 years younger and afterwards I felt bad too (she did not care although). My parents, being foreigners, never taught me about sexual education, so I was not really sure what was appropriate or not. Actually, they never mentioned sex around the house. I am not attracted to children and never have been but I just feel bad about the things I did. I was just being a curious kid who did not understand boundaries at the time. My brother does not remember this and I'm certain my extended cousin does not remember that event either. I think of these events and ask myself if I am deserving of love, and whether or not I should let people know of what I've done. Am I hiding something big if I don't tell a significant other about the things I did in my past? I'm currently in college and am doing well. I have assimilated as much as I can but I just feel like this is a big stain that is unforgivable. I also do not want to blame my parents because my dad grew up without a dad, and my mother was working two jobs most of her life so she could not supervise us (I ended up taking care of my brother most of the time) . I try my best to be a good brother, and a good person but I feel like all my hard work is being tainted by these unhealthy sexual experiences that occurred in my past. Some advice/guidance would very much be appreciated right now. Thank you!
tl;dr: I did some sexual things in my past and now I feel guilty about themFebruary 4, 2017 at 4:49 pm #126741
To add, I feel like I am not normal. That all the hard work that I have done is nothing more than just a cover to hide the shame. I used to think I was a good person, but now i'm doubting myself in almost every aspect.February 4, 2017 at 6:22 pm #126751
I do hope you succeed-in-letting-it-go. You were a child who was exposed to inappropriate sexual behavior of adults (father's porn videos not secure away from children's access, and aunts grabbing you sexually) as well as older cousins running around almost naked and who told you to perform a sexual act on them.
You did not operate in a vacuum; you operated in those two incidents in the context of undisciplined sexuality all around you. You were a child, curious, as children are. With no guidance for right and wrong behavior, how could you know.
If I was you, I wouldn't share those two incidents with friends, partners etc. If you need to, you can share this with a psychotherapist. If you cannot resolve this shame that you feel, you may need to attend competent psychotherapy.
What do you think can make it possible for you to let it go?
anitaFebruary 4, 2017 at 7:34 pm #126753
Thank you so much for your reply Anita! I feel better hearing the humanity in your reply. I guess the thing I need is to hear that I am not somme sort of monster. I have developed a mantra of saying I am still learning and that is helping. Sometimes I think I need to tell people otherwise im being a fraud. It is alright to keep things to yourself right?February 4, 2017 at 7:48 pm #126754
You are not a fraud for keeping thoughts and memories to yourself. If keeping one's thoughts to oneself was being a fraud, I would have to talk almost none stop, to someone, telling another what I think every minute!
Your thoughts, your memories, your feelings- these are your private territory, it is no one's business. You don't need to “confess” anything to anyone. No one needs to confess their thoughts. What is between-your-ears is your private property, belongs to you.
The two incidents you described, at the age they happened, in the context I pointed to in my last post to you- those were not done by any sort of a monster. Not even by a bad boy. You were a good boy who was curious, that is all.
Let it go, best you can. If you can't- attend therapy. It is a shame you suffer and I wish you didn't. Your suffering is not justified. Do post anytime, if you'd like, and I will remind you of these things.
anitaFebruary 4, 2017 at 8:15 pm #126756
Thank you so much for the kind words Anita! Right now I can not afford therapy. My family is having a hard time meeting some basic needs but hopefully things will get better in the future and I will be able to go get therapy. Your words are really helping me though and I really appreciate it. Life has been very hard for me. My mother has been sick for the past 7 years and my father has been emotionally absent my entire life. I've basically been trying to raise myself and my brother for most of my life. No one knows what I am going through, not even close friends (mainly because I don't want to burden them). I think the weight of college as well my entire life is finally coming down on me and it's taking its toll now. I did a good job suppressing everything but now its coming down. Thank you for your reading Anita.February 5, 2017 at 8:36 am #126766
You are welcome. Anytime you post here (or on a new thread you may want to start), I will respond to you. You read to me like a very decent person, good at heart and gracious.
As far as not sharing your struggles with your friends because you don't want to burden them- what if you share some of your struggles, so you get some relief. Don't they share their struggles with you? Friendships should be give-and-take. You share some, they comfort you; they share some, you comfort them.
As far as therapy, maybe a no-cost or low-cost at one point, but competent therapy, sometime in the future. In your struggles, better that you are on-your-side, your own best friend, not attacking yourself for “Childhood mistakes” – or for any reason. Be good to yourself, let go of any unnecessary stressor.
anitaFebruary 6, 2017 at 8:10 am #126875
I wish I could tell you how long I've searched for someone who had the same exact story as me. I had tears reading because I felt as it was me typing what you said. I don't know if there are words for me to express how greatful I am for this site and your post. All I know is that are are very normal, the shame will subside and you can forgive yourself. I don't know if you're gonna get this but I just wanted to reach out and say thank you for being brave. I've been hahaunted by way I did at 7. I'm 35 and the fefeeling have poked my mind for 11 years. Your story is the beginning of my healing. Thank youFebruary 7, 2017 at 12:21 pm #126981
* Dear ruby22x:
People carry so much shame regarding sexual curiosity. None of the things you described are evidence of weirdness, faulty brain, faulty character, none of it. It is only curiosity.
Don't get me wrong (anyone reading this), I do not recommend in any way mounting one's dog, even clothed. On the other hand, ruby22x, you were only a child, curious, that is all. Certain leeway must be given to children, because children are curious by nature.
What you did as a child, what you described here, these are the kinds of things children do, a whole lot, including the friend who may have told others what you did, including the people she spoke to. Look around you- people, hardly anyone did not do these kinds of things, harmless little things.
Please do let go- to suffer over this is so very unnecessary.
anitaFebruary 7, 2017 at 5:59 pm #126991
I am sorry your parents did not and do not express their appreciation of you, being proud of you. It is their failure to see your value, not evidence of you lacking value. If I may say so, I am proud of you for posting what you did. Really, there is no shame in what you did as a child and there is no shame in posting it here. Hope you post again. I will be glad to read from you about anything, anytime.
anitaFebruary 8, 2017 at 1:22 pm #127052
Can't tell you how amazing it is to hear someone say they are proud of me! That is so kind thank you. I wish I could shrug off this feeling that I'm not good enough and don't deserve people being nice to me. Because of this I make bad choices and settle for less than anyone should deserve.
I did think expressing my story would help me but for some reason it's sparked off my anxiety can't stop thinking about all the people who might read it and think badly of me. I keep thinking someone I know will link it back to me, my paranoia is ridiculous 🙁 I am currently in therapy but I don't dare talk about it, though it's always in the back of my mind that this is the route of my self esteem issues. Alot of it is to do with my dad too, he always got angry at everything I did and sometimes would even be aggressive psychically to me and I never knew how to process it. They say girls pick guys that are similar to their fathers and I did, settled for a man that would push me down stairs, rip my hair out and choke me. But because I hate myself I felt I deserved it I guess? That it was all my punishment for being so messed up. I know you say my behaviours as a young child were okay/normal but I can't help but feel they weren't I don't know how to get past this. My friend laughed at me when I told her so it made me feel like I was alone. Sorry to ramble I just have so much going on in my head.February 8, 2017 at 7:54 pm #127079
I am proud of you for posting yet again, even though you are anxious. The chance someone who knows you will be reading this is extremely small, and then how can you be recognized when you didn't give names, locations, ages…?
It is very scary and harmful for a child when a parent is angry at the child and expresses their anger aggressively. So no wonder your father had a powerful negative affect on your development. I had an angry, aggressive mother and I too believed I deserved it. Children believe they are the reason, it is natural and very unfortunate.
You took the blame and believed that there is something wrong with you and that is why he is so angry with you. This is called a Core Belief, formed in your brain as a child, and it is still there, affecting your life in major ways. It is a False Core Belief. It isn't true but it FEELS true.
It was only after my first competent psychotherapy (CBT) that I challenge my False Core Belief that there is something wrong with me, something so messed up that I deserved my mother's anger and anyone else's disapproval. I am learning that there was nothing wrong with me, nothing messed up that caused her to be angry with me. I was a normal child, like any other… and I was her victim. I was innocent and she was the guilty one.
It takes time to not only understand this True Core Belief intellectually but to FEEL it, that is to actually feel that there is nothing wrong with me. It takes time and work and it is possible, for me and for you!
What progress, if any, do you experience in your therapy?
- This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.