March 16, 2017 at 10:46 am #139821
I feel bad for her, or I think I should be feeling bad for her, because she is a good person and she has been hurt by someone she has spent most of her life with. But I don’t think I feel anything more than a small worry about her sanity. I do think I should be way more worried for her happiness, but I simply cannot, I do not have it in me, it seems.
Other than that, I sometimes have bad thoughts, like how she might kill herself, or my father could kill himself(after my mother asked him about the affair, he first denied, afterwards he said that it was a stupid mistake, and that he would rather kill himself than to get a divorce), but I chalk these off by being unrealistic, and they don’t seem to affect my life most of the time.
March 16, 2017 at 11:06 am #139831
- This reply was modified 7 months ago by Steven.
Bear with me through this inquiry- it may very well be relevant to the issue of this thread:
when you wrote that you think you should feel bad for your mother, do you also think that you are a bad son for not feeling bad for her, or that she is suffering because you don’t feel bad for her? Or that she might kill herself because you don’t feel bad for her… because you don’t make her happy?
Or is it so regarding your father: fearing he will kill himself because of you, somehow?
anitaMarch 16, 2017 at 11:17 am #139833
I would say, certainly not. I don’t think any of their future harm on themselves would be caused by me.
However, I do feel like I am a flawed, or broken, or incomplete person for not feeling bad for her. So not just a bad son for this particular incident, but a completely bad person for not having appropriate feelings for situations in general. I think a normal person would take this issue much more seriously, I am certainly not normal when it comes to anything related to feelings.March 16, 2017 at 11:24 am #139835
Are you living with your parents; approximately, how old are you and.. if you are living with them, do you have any tangible plans to move out and away?
anitaMarch 16, 2017 at 11:33 am #139839
I do live with them, I am 18 years old, and I have plans to move away at the end of this year to another city for college, where I will be far away from any relative.
March 16, 2017 at 11:54 am #139857
- This reply was modified 7 months ago by Steven.
Yesterday, referring to the incidents with your cousins, you wrote: “I feel like a bad person…”
Later on, you wrote about your mother: “she is a good person..” Then you wrote that you don’t worry enough for her happiness, that you “don’t have it in (you)” and that you feel “flawed, or broken… for not feeling bad for her… a completely bad person for not having the appropriate feelings..”
This is my understanding of your situation: the problem is not in those incidents you shared about yesterday. This is where you are looking, but that is not where it is. The problem is in your relationship with your mother, (way more than it is in the relationship with your father)-
I believe she told you too much, from before November of last year. I believe she expressed to you her unhappiness way, way too much, more than a child can handle hearing and observing. It is not that you didn’t have the appropriate or normal feelings regarding her misery, it is that as a child, you are not equipped to handle such strong feelings of empathy regarding your mother.
An adult psychotherapist is trained how to handle empathy toward strangers, clients. It takes maturity and training. And still, an adult psychotherapist is not able to have a parent as a client.
It is simply impossible for a child to feel what you expect to feel regarding your mother’s misery. Your lack of complete, deep empathy for her, even anger you may very well have for her, is not an indication of you being a bad person. It is an indication that she burdened a child with what a child cannot possibly handle.
I hope you do move out soon. Your hope, I believe, is in healing from what your mother did to you, preferably in psychotherapy with a competent therapist. Moving away is a necessary step toward healing.
Do post again, if you’d like, with your thoughts and feelings.
anitaMarch 16, 2017 at 12:09 pm #139863
I also believe that moving away will have an overwhelmingly positive effect on my well-being. However, I can’t be sure that my anxiety and obsession are caused by my relationship with my mother.
The cousin incident, and my relationship with my mother, just seem so different in my head. So although I will definitely keep in mind that there might be a connection between the two, I don’t think I can be certain that I can ever be completely sure that I am a person who can be healed from this pain.
Do you think this indecision is also caused by my anxiety and obsession?
I hope I am not asking you anything that is more than you can help me with.March 16, 2017 at 12:25 pm #139867
As to your last line: there is very little I can do to help you. I wish I could but it is not possible. This is because what can help you, I believe, is competent psychotherapy, in person, and that will take months- this is not what we have here. I am not a therapist, you are not my client, this is not psychotherapy.
I can only point you to the direction I believe will be helpful to you.
At 18, the way you now react to your mother’s misery expressed to you, is not the same way you reacted as a young child. At the time, your empathy for her was deep and intense and overwhelming, more than you could handle. What a child does when overwhelmed this way is to minimize one’s emotions, to separate from them (aka dissociation)-
What you feel now and for a long time is that minimization, separation, distance-
So it is very difficult to reconnect to those early emotions, neither is it recommended, outside the safety of competent psychotherapy.
The obsession with the incidents is just that, an obsession. It is like you pointing a flashlight in the dark, looking for evidence of you being bad, and … sex is where most people look at, but it is not there.
Maybe you can print and keep with you the last two posts I wrote to you, for future reference. At this point, it will not be very helpful. I wish I could make you believe that you are not a bad person (you are not!) – I wish I could!
anitaMarch 16, 2017 at 12:37 pm #139869
Considering what I have been through in the past months, the help you consider to be very little means so much to me. Because of the nature of the subject, I could never talk to anyone about it. It was a good decision to seek help here, I see this now, and I’m glad. I’ve looked at my pain in perspectives which I could have never found on my own. For this, I cannot thank you enough.
I will move out, and I will seek competent, professional help. Thank you. I am forever grateful.March 16, 2017 at 12:46 pm #139871
I am so glad to read your last post. I was worried about having caused you distress by stating my understanding in such a direct way and so quickly. You are very welcome, and please, do post anytime. As long as I am somewhat helpful, I will be glad to reply to you anytime.
anitaMarch 24, 2017 at 5:56 am #141439
Hope this is still open as I have something on my mindMarch 24, 2017 at 7:14 am #141469
I am here. Please do share: what is on your mind?
anitaMarch 24, 2017 at 3:14 pm #141573
I need this forum right now more than ever. When I was 10-12 (I am 22 now), an event happened with my half-sister (who was maybe 3 or 4 at the time, sorry for the age gaps, I honestly can’t remember it was that long ago) that has suddenly come back to get me. I’ve only talked about it with my closest friends, S/O and mother.
All I did was press up against her in the shower we took together, and whether this is my guilt warping it, I laid her down was just still on top of her for a few seconds. That was it. It was a moment of confusion and curiosity and hormones. Never again. Nothing ever like that happened again and I moved on. Nothing came out of this, my sister no doubt doesn’t remember this (or care) and she’s completely happy and healthy and I’m proud of her for being more sane than me.
I know I can’t tell my dad, as my half sister is his daughter with another woman (who is a hardcore Catholic and her family is conservative, I’m not even allowed to tell that side of the family I am gay, let alone have a girlfriend and/or I’m trans), because it’s not something that happened to him and no one was harmed.
But I need that reassurance that I need to forgive myself and move on and forget, and get over the anxiety I’ve had in the past day and a half since this memory suddenly came back. I’ve told the people I know were able to talk to me down and tell me I will be alright, and remind me only more harm than help will come out of telling my father, who will no doubt in turn tell his wife and she always disliked me to a degree since she moved in with my father and I was there…
But I need help right now. If just to be told I’m not a terrible person and can move on from this.March 24, 2017 at 5:56 pm #142051
Best attend competent therapy. What you share there is confidential. I don’t feel comfortable responding further to your post because of certain inconsistencies and a certain wording you used: “my sister no doubt doesn’t remember this (or care)”- seems to me that you are suggesting that if she knew about it, she wouldn’t care- such suggestion is disturbing to me.
March 26, 2017 at 7:48 am #142151
- This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
Hey guys. I’m so happy because I’m the part of this amazing forum and site. I must tell you my story. Maybe then I’d ease my pain. When I was very young, 11 or 12 years old, I made a huge mistake. I think that was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done,yep I’ve done much stupid and cruel things. I was going to the primary school,I was very quiet girl,nobody liked me, nor even those teachers. I felt scared and lonely. I skipped many classes,I didn’t go to school for couple of weeks. I was wandering alone in the town. My parents didnt know ’bout it. Then, my teacher called them and wanted to know what’s happening, why I wasn’t spending time in school, theyy were extremely angry at me,I cried, and guess what.. I lied that one of those girls shut me in her house, she was completely innocent, but I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t say that I was skipping classes alone.. I feel so bad now, even though it happened 10 years ago. 🙁 Many sins I’ve done, but this one hurts me so much..I changed but this sin still keeps haunting me. I made such a scandal. 🙁 What do you think?