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My bestfriend is emotionally abusive to her partner. Is that my business?

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Jenny Lynn 6 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #195231

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    So in short my best friend and I recently got on the topic of her relationship.

    I really tried to avoid talking about it so I will usually just say a few things but nothing to dive really into conversation about it. Its not my relationship,” if you like it I love it.” Her boyfriend isn't my friend but we know each other.

    When she brings up her relationship of course I don't shut her down!. The thing is when she keeps trying to probe at MY OPINION I shut it down.

    We have been friends for about 7 years now. Her and her boyfriend have been together going on 3 years now. (1 year was long distance-then they have been living together for a year and a half)

    The other day we got to talking about it again and I couldn't avoid it. But it just seems like, at the same time that she acts like my opinion isn't that big of a deal she comes off like always trying to validate their relationship to me.

    I always just tell her that I think she is an extraordinary person and that he is kind of regular, I think she will get bored. I think she needs someone to challenge her. This conversation shifted into me basically saying exactly what she said to me about my relationship is; which is “there is nothing wrong with him, he isn't a bad person. It just wouldn't surprise me if one day you guys broke up” I told her I felt the same.

    She gets on this huge discussion about basically that she is lucky to have him because she is really mean to him and he stays.

    I have some opinions on that. I regards to how someone can admit something like that; yet instead of changing or adapting just finding someone who will tolerate it. I was really really over having the conversation so I got off the phone with the thoughts I said above.

    However she is coming down to see me Friday and I KNOW she will bring this up.

    How do I discuss this with her? or do I?

    This is her rendition of it all.

    Basically that she is mean, she does and says mean things to him. So if anyone left it would be him. & That it would be hard for her to find someone to put up with her.

    I said well maybe you should be with someone who annoys you less (because they argue ALOT)

    She says she would be argumentative with anyone.

    I think that's subjective. I think when you pick a partner based in the fact that they put up with your crap isn't something to brag about. Itd be more so something to correct. Furthermore to me THE RIGHT man wouldnt tolerate the things you do he would motivate you to change those things coupled with overall annoying you less.

    just a general example: You have to TELL him to wash the dishes, he SAYS he will but he DOESNT. That makes her mad they argue. But to me isn't that all avoided by 1. being with someone who doesn't have to be told to wash the dishes and just does them  2. being with someone who will say ” I am an adult and don't tell me what to do in my house” or 3. Being with someone who Doesn't say he will do things and then not do them.

    Wouldn't a man who does 1 of the 3 above things avoid the argument in general or significantly less conflict than someone who not only is under someone else expectations of cleanliness but then lie or misleads the other party to think they are going to do the task they do not.

    She treats him like a child. Like “clean up your room” “I want that room clean when  I get back” the whole shebang. Its A LOT really.

    But she is my friend.

    Aside from that she says everyone SHE knows approves of their relationship…HIS family has some reservations that he may be in a abusive relationship though. She has told me this. What's crazy is that earlier in the day when we talked she actually brought that up and how crazy that was…then hours later we were having the above conversation about her relationship and she basically says “I mean, am I emotional abusive? I have to ask myself?”

    I was like alrighttttt

    #195265

    Mark
    Participant

    Jenny Lynn,

    Instead of answering her questions or commenting on what she shares, you can just reflect back to her with questions.

    Examples:

    Basically that she is mean, she does and says mean things to him. So if anyone left it would be him. & That it would be hard for her to find someone to put up with her.
    You can ask her ..”Is this how you want to be?”

    She says she would be argumentative with anyone.
    You can ask her ..”Why do you think that is?”

    we were having the above conversation about her relationship and she basically says “I mean, am I emotional abusive? I have to ask myself?”
    You can ask her ..”Do you think you are emotionally abusive?  What do you do that you *think* is emotionally abusive?  Do you want to stop?”

    What do you think?
    Mark

    #195269

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Okay. Yeah I think I will try that.

    Just reverse role and ask her Why she thinks she does that? and If she thinks its okay for a relationship dynamic to be that way.

    I myself am in a relationship she may not particularly care for but she does things on a whole other level than my bf does just to even hear her talk about it sometimes my jaw just drops. She comments on what she thinks I shouldn't tolerate however you do worse to your partner. We are going to be around each other for literally hours Friday…and we are both long winded. I just know she is going to swoon my back into talking about this.

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