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My partner for morethan 2 years left me for an arranged marriage

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #277853

    Bernadette
    Participant

    Ny story was this I’m having a very fresh wound at this moment. I had a relationship for more than 2 years with my Sardarji (Punjabi Sikh guy). He was a very nice Indian man I ever met, we started friends and we became couple a very perfect couple for me. In a couple of months I ate non-veg infront of him, but I changed myself to become fully vegan even egg I avoided it because I respected him alot. I started going to Gurudwara everyday in the morning to do prayers and learn something. I tried and learning there language atleast I can talk to his parents not that fluent but I can communicate with them. I read many ways and how the culture is, how to respect the parents. I wanna learn everything because I dont want to let him down infront of his family especially to his parents that he chose a wrong person, I want them to be proud and make them happy. I want them to feel that even I am different nationality my heart is belong to Punjabi and I wanna be a women they wanted to be a partner of their son I changed the way I wear clothes, I keep distance to my male friends. After work, I will go home and will just meet and talk to him all the time. I changed myself to become a perfect women for him. Everything was so perfect, we always go out of town everytime there is a long weekends. We do long drove together. I can say that we are a very happy couple. Yes, when we fight we extremely faught alot. But in the end we will be fine and time came that we talked to each other, there is no sense of fighting we are just wasting our time to hate each other like an enemy and nothing will happen. No one will win and yet we will forgive and start again. We changed our selves to have a better relationship. And we made it. We spend each in every minutes in a good time. Last year, he told me he will speak to his parents about me as he knows that his parents will not accept me so there is time for him to convince his parents. I didn’t ask him if he already talk to his parents because I know and I trusted him as he told me that it’s his headache to convince his parents. November last year I was so surprised as he proposed me and gave me ring. Our relationship was absolutely amazing and I have nothing to ask more. When I went to Gurudwara I always prayed and telling to God I am so blessed that he gave me a person that I didn’t expect To be with me and make me happy beyond. Early December he asked me if he can go to India to see his parents and his grandma will be there too after 4 years of staying in US. And he said all his friends flatmates are going to India as well because his close friends sister is getting married and he wants to attend as everyone is going. First, I didn’t agree. I said what if they will do something and you can’t say no to them. He asked me to trust him and walk with him blind folded. He will never hurt me, he will fight for me for his parents until his parents agree.

    Finally, before Christmas he flew to visit his cousin in Melbourne for 6 days and after straight to India. Everyday we talked, we updated each other’s each in every single things. I also travelled overseas to spend time with my parents as it’s my holiday including my annual leave is quite long. We always talks everyday time as the time in India is only 1 and half hour difference here where I am.

    Last week 18 of January 2019, around 9pm my local time. He called me and I told him I was outside and will call him in awhile once I reach home. He said he wants to tell me important things and I was shaking. I was so tense thinking what is that. I reached home and called him right away. He said he already opened up to his parents about our relationship and his father was literally mad at him and about to punch him luckily his brother stopped him. He’s father said do whatever you wanna do but do do infront of us stop talking to her while you are here. So he requested me not to message or call him until he calls me for 15 days or until he go back to the country. 4 days after we last talked I was literally missing him, I cannot control myself so I messaged and called him and he said his father asked him if he still talking to me he even showed his application on phone proof that we are not talking and he asked me again not to call him or message. He will sort out everything there he said and we will see each others when he come back.

    Everyday without talking to him is like killing me, we used to talked every minutes to update each others and now totally nothing. After for like 2 weeks I used to stalked him if his online or active that’s the only thing I make myself calm.

    One day I was wondering he was online very early than usuall and few hours again he was online so I ignored it I was just thinking maybe he cannot sleep. Because before we slept we always close our wifi and data that’s why we knew if we’re online means both are awake already. That day after checking on him almost 12hrs he never get online, I was so worried what’s happening on him.

    I messaged and called him but unfortunately no response.

    Around 9pm in my local time, I randomly check status on my application and his friends posted a video and I was really shocked that my partner is getting married and everyone is celebrating. I saw it was not so cleared so I just thought that he was just attending party but I realised all of his friends was there too. And he mentioned me that the wedding of his sisters friends was first week of February which still few weeks. And I was shivering while watching again the video and it was him.

    I screenshot the video and asked my Indian friends if what kind of celebration is that and she said “what the he got married? She was really shocked and I can’t even talked.

    That night I keep on asking myself how come? I called him and he said he will talk to me tomorrow, he messaged me that he will not do anything that will hurt me and he will not leave me as he loved me so much. I still believe in him because he is a believer an amritsari man.

    Now, I still can’t believe how he did it to me. I didn’t talk to him properly as he said he will talk once he go back to the country. I’m coming back next week and his coming back the following week. He said I will pick him up and we will celebrate valentines together. He still doesn’t know that I knew he’s got married.

    I act like same with him normal and sweet. Now, I want to know all the truth from him why, because I cannot move on that theres alot of questions in my mind. He never let me feel that his love for me was fake as he dis everything for me too while we are together. That’s why now I can’t believe he got married without even telling me untill now. We talked like normal and he still say he loves me and pick him up when he arrive in the airport.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    I didnt talk to him but I felt like the whole world was gone. I cannot eat, I don’t want to go anything I just wanna lye down and cry.

    I did everything but I don’t know that it was not enough. Yet I believe that he will stand in our relationship and fight for it. I know all the answer of my questions why is only him can answer.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    please I need some advice.

    #277875

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bernadette:

    Early December he told you that he was going to India after four years of not being there, after four years of not being in the presence of his father. At that point, he asked you to trust him, that he will never hurt you, that he will fight for you, that he will fight for you “until his parents agree”.

    He suggest that you “walk with him blind folded”.

    And then he flew to Australia and then to India and there he lived in his father’s home. There, with his father, gone was the man that he was with you, the man who made promises to you, and instead, he was back to being his father’s son, a child living under the authority and control  of his father.

    His father wanted him to stop communicating with you while there, so he obeyed. Then his father wanted him to marry a woman of (his father’s) choice, so your boyfriend obeyed.

    It is not a dynamic special to a particular culture. Parents all  over the world, if they want, they have great control over their adult children. Parents automatically have the obedience of their young children. Often children obey their parents, in one way or another, all through their lives, as adults.

    As he returns to the US where you met and where you will meet again, he will likely try to please you, to say the right things to you, but his obedience and loyalty to his father will remain strong.

    I was wondering why you and him fought so much during the relationship, before he left to India?

    anita

    #277945

    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for your reply.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    The fights we had is just a normal misunderstanding and end up big fight sometimes because of trust issue. Sometimes, I always felt that he was hiding our relationship or me to his friends or to people around. But after explaining me properly why sometimes he can’t show me to his friends or in the Temple I understand even some of my colleagues and Punjabi friends explained me to that his a believer and ofcourse it’s not easy for him to bring a girl out especially in Gurudwara (Sikh Temple).

    After a year, everything changed he introduced me to his friends we even went to Gurudwara all the time together. And we go to mall every weekend together without any hesitation. He let me felt that he was proud of having me as his partner. He always say we are husband and wife. We shared food together in one plate that in his religion and as a believer he cannot shared food or eat with someone in one plate but we did because for him I am his wife already. He proposed me infront of holly book in Gurudwara and promised me that we will be together till the end.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    Until now he doesn’t know I knew that he got married already. We talked normal and he said I love you, his still sweet to me.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    He just requested me not to message him nor call him. He told me that he will call me if he have a chance.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    Last conversation we had was last night, he got angry to me because I keep on messaging him and disturbing him alot. I understand maybe his family was there and the lady, but I cannot control myself I just wanna hear his voice.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    He told me that don’t worry I’m okay here it just I’m having really hard time and mentally getting me crazy. I am not happy of what’s happening here now. So please don’t call or message me again wait till I will call or message me once I am in the airport as I will be alone there by that time I can contact you. He said you have to pick me up and we will celebrate valentines together.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    I asked him again are you sure you don’t have any plan to extend you stay? And he said no I will not and no plan till yet.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    I’m coming back to New Zealand next week and he will be coming after a week.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    (US based was his grandma and other relatives) they went back to India after 4 years and he wanted to see them that’s why he asked me to have a holiday in India)

    I was literally broken now, even I was stalking at him. Checking when is his last online at night and thinking how he will sleep with the other lady. I’m getting crazy and my mind was corrupted alot. Negative thoughts and everything.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    I just cannot understand even he did wronged to I can’t even get angry to him yet I still hope and believe we can be together again.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    That he loves me alot and what he did has reason behind.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    What I will do now? Please advise me. I hope he open up with me the truth. I don’t know how can I handle the truth and if he will say he will leave me as he already married.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    Please.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    #277957

    Mark
    Participant

    Bernadette,

    I can understand your huge, long term emotional investment in this man.  And yet you need to wake up and smell the coffee.  He is married.  He will do whatever his father will tell him.  He has lied and continues to lie to you.

    There is a saying that there are no victims only volunteers.  You are now volunteering to make your own life miserable by not moving on from him.

    I am sorry for this sounds extremely painful.  If you really want to know what to do then re-read your posts and see if being in relationship or contact with this man makes any sense.

    Mark

    #278023

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bernadette:

    You are welcome.

    In his religion he is not supposed to share the food  on his plate with a woman unless he is married to the woman, but he shared the food on his plate with you even though he was not married to you. What this means is that he is okay with breaking the rules of his religion.

    He got married in India. According to the rules of marriage, he is not supposed to celebrate Valentine’s Day with a woman who is not his wife. But he is planning on breaking this rule too.

    There is another rule: when a person makes a promise, the person should do his best to keep his promise. He broke his promises to you and already broke his promise to his current wife in the very act of marriage, by communicating with you and planning to continue the relationship with you.

    I think he loves you. Problem is, he is willing to break a lot of rules. It would have been wonderful if you had a man in your life who loved you and kept his promises to you, was honest with you, and wasn’t married to another woman.

    Reads to me that he is planning to do what a lot of men in arranged marriages do: they satisfy their parents by doing the arranged marriage, having children, being a family man in public and they satisfy their desires, their loving feelings in private by having a girlfriend.

    I understand that you love him deeply and invested a lot of your time and emotions in him. Question is: are you okay with being a secret girlfriend to a married man? And if so, for how long?

    anita

    #278117

    Bernadette
    Participant

    Dearest Anita,<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    Thank you for reading my reply and for your prompt reply.

    At this moment I’m just waiting for the time he will come back to the country. Because now, I’m just concluding with everything but no final answer yet. It’s just one way around of the story, I also want to know the truth from him and what is the reason for all the WHY’s, and HOW questions in my mind.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    I know behind of all those things happen has a reason but I wanna know all the answers too and he is the only person who can answer.

    To be honest, I still wanna be with him I cannot even get feel angry nor think negative about him. Because I know him how he is to me, but yes your right this is totally wrong. I will see and decide what will be the conversation when the time he will come.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    I prayed to God to give me more strength and patience in this situation. It’s really hard but I cannot blame him too as I am not on his shoes. As a believer he cannot go against to his parents, and I understand that.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    Please include me to your prayers too.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    I know God has a big plan for me not now but definitely I will be happy too. And I will wait for that moment to come.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    In God’s grace.

    #278125

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bernadette:

    You are welcome.

    You wrote: “I wanna know all the answers too and he is the only person who can answer”- not so, other people who were present in his wedding can answer you if he is married, so can court records.

    Also, his answers to you may not be honest because he wants you to be with him. He may twist and present information to you in such a way so to keep you  with him. And because you “still wanna be with him” and you “cannot even get feel angry or think negative about him”, you are already inclined and invested in believing whatever it is that he tells you.

    My suggestion is that you keep your eyes and ears open, see and hear what is true, not what you wish was true.

    anita

    #278405

    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hi @anita,

    I don’t know yet. I still want him. I just had a conversation from him earlier tonight and he said his having really hard time in thier house which his family is not treating him properly. He’s coming back to the Country next week and he said he will contact me once he reach in the airport. He blocked me on Facebook as I posted something on his wall. He requested me not to post anything and he wants to clear everything before he go back to NZ.

    Our conversation is like very normal like he was telling me that he need me only and mu support.

    I don’t know what to do becuase he still doesn’t know that I knew he got married already. I will wait when he come if he will open up to me.

    Every I don’t know what I will do.

     

    #278451

    Mark
    Participant

    Bernadette,

    It is normal to want to know the “why” of people’s behavior.  I find that it ultimately is a waste of time for their behavior is the biggest truth teller more so than hearing their words/explanation.

    Yes it is painful and a betrayal.  You can draw out your pain by keeping in contact with him or work on yourself to grieve and heal.

    Mark

    #278563

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bernadette:

    Nov 2018, he proposed to you, gave you a ring. The next month, Dec, he flew to  India. The month after that, Jan 2019 he got married in India.

    Do you believe that when he flew to  India Dec 2018, he had no idea that his father/ parents were planning a marriage for him there?

    In other words, do you believe that he flew to India to see his parents for the first time in 4 years, having no idea that they were planning a wedding party for him there-

    -that his parents first came up with the idea of arranging a marriage for him in Dec 2018 after their son arrived to India, found a wife and got a party together in less than a month?

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
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