September 8, 2019 at 7:54 am #310827
A few months ago, I thought I found a suitable prospect for me, it is very difficult finding a man that is educated and with a career, most importantly faith. This man lets name him, Andrew, is 5 years older than me, doesn’t use social media (IG, FB). This was great! I mustered up the confidence to add him onto linkedin. C’mon I couldn’t get in touch with him any other way, except asking my cousin who is his best friend. Long story short, we hit it off after 3 days on chatting on the messages he sent his number.
Everything was going well, we even met up for coffee he was so invested in us getting to know one another. I wish I could share the messages, but he got really deep into marriage talk, about the future, just going on and on about things. Even flirting.
I was not present during this conversation, but my cousin did say that when Andrew was asked when he was getting ready to settle down, he started blushing, smiling and telling my cousin he found someone.
Heres where things got complicated. During the 3 weeks Andrew and I were in touch, I monkey wrench was literally thrown into my life. I moved out of my home … ran away .. got myself an apartment to escape domestic abuse I was experiencing. Andrew told me he supports me and didn’t seem like he disliked my decision. And just like that he didn’t speak to me again. Within 3 weeks of talking he just ghosted me.
After a few days, I contacted him he spoke to me like he understood why I left and then poof gone again. A month later I wished him a happy birthday and all he said was thank you. Couple weeks later I saw him at an engagement party and I could see from afar he was just staring at me. I didn’t know what to think of it.
The next day I texted him and asked if I did anything wrong and he said that I did nothing wrong, just poor timing. When I asked for explanation he wouldn’t answer and finally I asked do you no longer want to keep in touch and he said no, its in our best interest not to.
I was so hurt and confused.September 8, 2019 at 8:02 am #310829
Andrew even stopped talking to my cousin. But later my cousin did speak to him. Andrew seemed bothered by me getting abused at home. However, he asked my cousin “some things don’t add up, her brother hits her, so she gets up and leaves”
Then he claimed “ I wasn’t feeling her” “ she has a lot going on” “ don’t tell her what im telling you it might hurt her feelings” “ I didn’t wanna hurt her feelings”
He finally asked my cousin to help him find someone to marry. My cousin told him, that I am a good person and Andrew responded, “ I understand that, but I don’t wanna marry her” My cousin said I know you and I know her and don’t see an issue. My cousin later explained good people are hard to find and Andrew snapped back and said he wants to make sure he gets married this year, 2019.
I was so hurt by this I sent Andrew photos of the abuse I was trying to escape. I had a black eye. He never responded and I never contacted him again.
The year is almost over, no news of him getting married. He still has me saved on his contacts on his phone and on Linkedin.
My cousin did explain that Andrew overthinks and he didn’t know what to do with my situation. So he caved.
DO guys like these come back around? My counselor says if he does he would explain how he made a mistake… but I don’t know what to expect.. should I even wait for him?
I have a lot going for me, I have a career, im completing my masters and have faith.September 8, 2019 at 9:31 am #310839
Congratulations for escaping domestic abuse. I wonder if reporting your brother’s violence to the police or some kind of agency can protect other people from his violence as well as start him in a process of managing his anger so to not react to it violently in the future!
As to Andrew, reads to me that he is a timid man, one who gets scared easily. He wants to get married, that is clear, and he thought of you as a prospect, and quickly, because he really does want to get married.
But he got scared. When he imagined that monkey wrench being thrown at your face, he was afraid of that monkey wrench hitting him- maybe by your brother, in the future if he marries you- and maybe by you. I imagine he could be thinking something like: I wonder what Tari did to make her brother so angry, what did she do to him first?
I don’t think that he thought you made up the story of your black eye (this is why sending him the photo/ evidence of it0 didn’t help). I think he is afraid you will somehow … infect him with violence, he got scared.
anitaSeptember 8, 2019 at 12:25 pm #310873
Yes give it some timeSeptember 8, 2019 at 1:33 pm #310891
Brother lets give him the name Jack. Andrew and my brother know each other and used to be close friends but my brother was disrespectful to him out of jealousy. Andrew knows my brother is insecure, has a long history of cheating, lazy bum. Andrew asked me he noticed I dislike my brother and he told me he believes me when I told him about my brother being a pathological liar. Andrew promised me he never had a history of abusing woman and thinks Jack is a wimp for hurting his own sister.
My brother is a complete mess. However, if I married Andrew he wouldn’t have been an issue.
I did get my own place, got a restraining order on him and then we decided to reconcile. Dropped the charges and moved back home. The abuse ended with him because everyone knows what a scum he is and no one wants to be my brothers friend anymore.
Andrew does not fear my brother at all, and he even told me that my brother is actually scared of Andrew. Andrew and I were about to exchange our pre martial questions, but he never sent his while I sent mine. I had multiple friends read it and they thought there was nothing wrong with it, I was honest. Andrew knew that I am caring, honest and he was so sweet to me. He would even tell me to hit my brother back if he ever put his hands on me. I am not violent at all, if anything I rarely ever get angry.
Will a guy like Andrew find a girl that quickly? By the way, when I used the term ‘monkey wrench’ I meant it metaphorically. However, in 2017 my brother and I were in a car together and he started an argument with me for no reason. (in 2018 come to find out he was cheating on his wife with a past lover.. and living a double life) I was basically my brothers punching bag. Even my cousin who is also Andrews friend confronted my brother about all this. Honestly, my brother just took his anger out on me because he knew he would get away with it. Im the families scapegoat. My cousin even explained to Andrew that the reason why my brother abused me is because a lot of the guys would pick on him including my cousin and Andrew. My cousin called me and told me hes sorry because I dealt with 5 years of extreme abuse even had to go to the ER because he cant control himself. But my cousin felt like hes to blame as well because he would pick on my brother. Andrew was aware of all this. My cousin even said I am a good girl and it was not over petty stuff.
Do you feel like sending him the photos was a bad idea? In the text I explained, “ I get that things are over but I want you to see what I was trying to get away from. I didn’t wanna get hurt like this again or have anyone get hurt”
- What do you mean by infect him with violence? I don’t ever hit anyone. Even when I get picked on.. if anything im calm
- Why do you feel like I should wait for him and give it some time? We stopped talking feb 2019 and its sept 2019 now
Andrew did tell me that he has a selfish father who suffers from anxiety, has a silver spoon up his butt.
He loves his mom and his brother got married overseas in the homeland. But he will not agree to marry overseas in the homeland.
Andrew bought the house his family lives in now, when he was only 18 and worked to pay it all off. He’s frugal but he learned early on how important it is to save up.
While we were still talking he told me how hes planning on buying a house and have it built custom made and was so sweet. He would ask me how I would like my future home to look like and he hopes one day I have that. We even talked about how many children we would want, places we’d wanna travel.
One last thing Andrew asked my cousin to never ask him about what me and him talked about.
My cousin thought it was an odd request because I already told my cousin everything.September 8, 2019 at 1:36 pm #310893
Is this a bad trait in a potential spouse to be this timid? I was just opening up to him as he did for me.
He always would say he wants to get the dirty laundry out the way before it gets deep. He isn’t some saint himself.
I was so confused when he told my cousin he “wasnt feeling me”
I remember when we met for coffee he messaged me so quickly telling me how much he enjoyed our time together it was literally a week apart..
To be honest, the one thing that always made me wonder was when i was at the party he was standing at the top of the staircase just looking at me. i saw him looking and it was just a glance i gave him and looked away.September 9, 2019 at 8:33 am #311013
You wrote: “During the 3 weeks Andrew and I were in touch, (a) monkey wrench was literally thrown into my life”. Later you wrote: “By the way, when I used the term ‘monkey wrench’ I meant it metaphorically”-
– you mean that something was literally thrown into your face, creating that “black eye” but it was not a monkey wrench?
My comments today:
1. Because you live with your brother who you say gets violent, better that you don’t call him a scum or a wimp. Better you don’t make critical comments to him about parts of his life that do not involve you.
2. If indeed you “dealt with 5 years of extreme abuse even had to go to the ER because (your brother) can’t control himself”- you really should not be living with him.
3. Sending Andrew who you just met a photo of your black eye was not a good idea because such a photo belongs with the police, and should be used for legal purposes, to protect yourself and future victims. It does not belong with a romantic suitor.
– You wrote that you are your family scapegoat- you mean that your parents mistreat you, or other siblings as well?
anitaSeptember 9, 2019 at 11:32 am #311055
I’m noticing that when you talk about the good things that you felt toward this guy or why you think you might want to wait, a lot of it has to do with his words and the things he told you when you were getting to know each other, how serious he was sounding. What I want to advise you to do is pay attention this ACTIONS. He ghosted you during a time when you obviously could’ve used some support, even just in the form of telling you it will be alright and being there as someone for you to talk to. Instead, he ran. No matter his reasons, that was not a good thing for a potential husband to do.
I agree with Anita that he was likely scared, maybe not that either you or your brother would physically hurt him, but when you marry someone, you also tend to marry their friends and family and it’s possible he decided he didn’t like the idea of being involved in the drama of it all.
I would say, for now at least, just focus on keeping yourself safe and away from those that hurt you. Pay attention to actions over words, and especially when it comes to dating…. when words and actions don’t line up, that’s a character flaw and a big red flag. Sounds to me like you’re better off just leaving this guy alone.September 9, 2019 at 11:41 am #311061
The fact that Andrew still has my number saved in his contacts and on LinkedIn … Does that mean anything?
I’m just wondering, since he’s looking to marry. What if has a rude awakening and sees what’s out there ? I get that it’s his problem, but was wondering if he’s leaving the door half open in case he wants to reconnect… Thinking I’d take him backSeptember 9, 2019 at 11:56 am #311065
I can’t say if it truly means anything or not, but I wouldn’t use that as a reason to hold on, either. Not everyone goes through and deletes everything. I still have numbers in my phone from people I talked to years ago and haven’t spoken to again.
It’s also possible he’s leaving the door open just in case… but what that means is that you’re his back-up plan. I would hope you know that you deserve more than to be someone’s backup plan, so it’s still not a good reason to hold onto someone who isn’t making any effort to stay in your life. If he does come back, then you can decide how you feel then but definitely remember all of this that has happened in the meantime (ghosting is NOT a good quality) and see how you feel then… but don’t bank on it happening.February 16, 2020 at 5:41 pm #338624
Thank you for helping me through this difficult time. I am continuing my education and focusing on my career. I do pray that the right man finds me. Recently, my cousin asked me if I ever found anyone. I did not and didn’t really look after. I did ask if the guy I liked ever found anyone. He just celebrated his 31st birthday. My cousin said ” no, he’s still looking…. ”February 16, 2020 at 5:42 pm #338626
It’s been a year… And he still has not sat my cousin down again and said ” hey, I think I found someone…” My cousin is his best friend.February 22, 2020 at 7:55 am #339442
Does anyone have input?
I know at the bottom of my heart I need to let go. Its just difficult getting back out there especially after being abandoned not once but twice. Two different guys did the same thing.
I keep blaming myself like I was the one that messed everything up. However, seeing that he never found anyone even after looking and feeling like he wanted it to happen in 2019.. makes me wonderFebruary 22, 2020 at 8:56 am #339452
“I keep blaming myself like I was the one that messed everything up”- what is it that you think you may have done wrong with the recent guy, and the guy before him?
anitaFebruary 22, 2020 at 10:08 am #339460
I get what it’s like when you have abandonment issues. I have them, too, and I’ve made it a point to try to work on changing those beliefs by reading books and blogs on changing fear of abandonment. That might be where you’ll want to start, too. It can be a hard belief to change, but it also comes with the realization that sometimes it’s not actually abandonment. Sometimes it’s our own expectations not being met that are ultimately messing us up. When we expect someone to like us or want to stay with us forever and then they don’t, we feel abandoned, but in reality there’s never really any guarantee that someone will stay forever or even that their feelings wont’ change, and that is just something that has to be accepted. It’s not so much abandonment when people’s feelings or situations change, because other people have to do what’s right for them, too. I think it’s okay to have expectations sometimes, because that helps us to be able to trust, but we also have to be able to accept when things end. Sometimes it’s for our greater good.
I really think you need to forgive yourself. Even if some of your actions did “mess things up,” it was likely meant to happen that way for you to learn a lesson from it, and if you learn that lesson (not to do those things again or to change the beliefs that caused you to do those things), then that lesson is less likely to repeat (although it still will never guarantee that someone will stay with you… because sometimes their leaving is about them, not you).
And if you’re still wondering about that guy… after you’ve worked on whatever you feel you did that messed things up and feel confident that you’re in a better place… I don’t think it would hurt to ask your cousin about him or maybe even message him and see if he’d be interested in meeting up for coffee or a smoothie or something.