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Trust Issues

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  • #40032
    Helen
    Participant

    Hello everybody

    So, I’m having a hard time trusting my boyfriend of more than 3 months 100% and completely. I have had big time seperation anxiety and trust issues growing up. I come from a family that split up when I was 2 and my parents divorced when I was 5. And as a child, me and my four years older brother were pushed and shoved between mother and father. We were the pawns in their power plays. I think that is how I had developed a real fear of losing people around me, which is why I used to be very clingy, even with all my friends. After being through the worst “puberty” and insecurity phase, I had gotten better at just letting people be my friends. Trusting them. Also with the help of my very best friend who has taught me a lot about that.

    But ever since I’ve met my boyfriend, I feel like I got “thrown back” into a very insecure and childish self, which I don’t like. Realizing that most of the issues really have to do with me and my insecurities, and not the things he does, I try to not let him know how I’m feeling a lot of the time. Dealing with anxiety and depression for half of my life, I know these issues are coming from me, and are not his “fault” – but not mine either. I get litterally paranoia thoughts and attacks and cannot stop the attacks by telling myself “you’re overreacting, stop!”. It just doesn’t work in these moments. Like I said, I do not have this issue with other people anymore. But with him I feel so paranoid, I don’t wanna do anything wrong, I don’t want him to feel like I’m trying to control him and being clingy. But deep down, I know that’s what I want. I want to know where he is, and who he is with but I try to not ask. I rarely ever do. Right now he is visiting his family in Portugal (I am Swiss) and coming back Saturday. And because we’ve only been together for a few months, I don’t know any of his friends, let alone ex-girlfriends. He is very much someone who is OVER a relationship once it’s over. But still, I can’t stop imaging him running into an ex, or flirting with girls.

    It’s almost like I expect him to cheat, even though I have no reason to believe that. I know he loves me, he wants only me. And considering he is seven years older (30 and 23) he has had his fair share of women and girls when he was younger. And I can understand that he feels very hurt when I ask “Did you do anything stupid?” (though in a cute voice, not like aggressive, but still…). And I’m scared I’m going to push him into cheating or leaving me if I go on like this.

    So I guess my question is: how do I trust? How do I let go of these crushing thoughs and paranoia that make me so sad and anxious?

    I don’t want to be like this. Because if I can never trust him completely, I will never never be able to have a healthy relationship. Knowing my boundaries, not being to attached to him, not wanting to control him – that’s what I want. And I know it’s more about me than about anything he does, cause he is good to me…

    If anyone could share their thoughts on this, I would be very, very thankful.

    xx
    Helen

    #40038
    Matt
    Participant

    Helen,

    Wow, you are such a mess! Just kidding, what you’re going through is normal, reasonable and can be healed. One thing that is helpful to know is that we don’t become broken, we have a backpack full of old junk that we have to sort and settle. Under the backpack, there is a very wise girl with a beautiful heart trying to find peace and love, just like everyone else. The baggage is just that, things we have to let go of… ways of working with ourselves and our experience that are more skillful. Its like playing an instrument, where we become more skillful with practice. No problem! At least you know you’re playing, which is a great thing! But where to start? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    It seems to me that you feel insecure and don’t know what to do with it. So it builds up and you blert it out internally (paranoia) and externally (do anything stupid?). Consider that if you stop and notice the feeling as just a feeling, perhaps it will settle on its own. For instance, you could self-nurture, such as meditation or an nature walk. Afterward, its worth a laugh. “I was feeling like the weight of the world was on me, how silly.”

    In relationships, sometimes it is difficult to settle alone, because the insecurity isn’t with one or the other, its with the perception of the “we”. In these cases, we can talk to our partner and ask them for their side.

    For example, as he goes home and meets up with old friends, you feel insecure that his dedication to his side of the relationship is strong enough to prevent him from desiring other women or exes. This isn’t needy or paranoid, its just a feeling of insecurity. Most women in new relationships feel that… “are we rooted enough for him to withstand temptation?” Or “am I enough to satisfy him?”.

    If you look at your thoughts and can see they are unneeded, that his heartfelt connection to you is strong, then they settle on their own. If not, you could talk to him about your feelings. Intimacy is about one heart meeting another, and as you bring your heart to him, you will be doing a good thing for the intimacy’s growth. That being said, it is important to stay on your side of it. Instead of “what did you do?” which is skirting around your heart, perhaps you could say “while you were gone I missed you, and felt fear that I would fade from your heart. Then I started having all sorts of imaginings about who you might flirt with or get naked with. It was painful, and I missed your arms.” Or, whatever the truth of your side was. “I think” “I see” “I feel” “I thought” “I felt” etc etc.

    This is very much us putting our heart on our sleeve, being courageous to say “my love, I am suffering, please help.” It doesn’t put the burden on him, such as asking him to account for his every action. Instead, it opens up the space between you, giving him the opportunity to step into that space and join you in the reality of what the relationship has brought to the two of you. Consider that when we open our hearts with honesty and courage, intimacy is the natural result. Even if he gives a knee jerk reaction or says something painful, you’ll be in a position to keep your heart open. “When you responded saying ‘stop being clingy’, I feel…”. Most likely though, if he is also courageous and full of heart, he will step into the void and together you two can dispel your insecurities.

    Romantic intimacy can be tricky, because it is a balance of holding close and letting go. Honoring the heart and feelings and speaking our mind, while not badgering or controlling. Its worth it, though. When we find the golden path of balance, anything is possible.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #40042
    Helen
    Participant

    Dear Matt

    Your words truly make me feel better. Thank you for that.

    You are right, but I am someone who thinks more about these things than a lot of friends and people I know. When I talk to my friends they just ask “Why do you worry so much, girl? He really loves, he’s not gonna do anything that could make him lose you.” Maybe I am someone who needs more attention, more confirmation if you want that the feelings are indeed there – at least in the here and now. I am not asking him to promise me forever. I just want to feel save and loved here and now. And sometimes I feel like he does not see it as very serious – like I said before, he likes to provoke me in the moments I would need his lovely, caring and serious side the most. So it’s hard. I can’t figure out if we truly are not compatible, or if I just have to – like you say – accept the feelings but not react on them. I really don’t react on them quite often, I kept them locked inside, afraid he is going to walk away if I do.

    It’s hard to talk to someone about these things who absolutely doesn’t know what it is like to be so unstable an insecure at times. Like I said above, I was doing very well before I met him. But because I have this intense relationship with him, and he’s a new person in my life, it brings a lot of things back up that I though were over and done with. See, that is what I’m trying to figure out: is HE the reason I feel so insecure? Would another man make me feel safer because he knew it was important to me? Or is it good for me to be confronted with these things, that are very normal in new relationships?
    It does take a while for me to feel comfortable with someone and trust someone fully – naturally, like for all of us.

    I often feel like: what the heck? Can I ask this of him? When he does something that really goes against my gut, I will say it and I will stand up for it. But there some things that are very much blurred lines, where I do not know what to think, feel or react. I guess you are right, I need more time to nurture and free my mind, meditate, do yoga. So many things that I have been talking about for more than a year, wanting to pick them up again. And I will.

    I guess my final question to myself is: am I generally unhealthy at the moment or is he making me unhealthy?

    Thanks again, Matt.

    Namaste
    Helen

    #40046
    Jade
    Participant

    Hi Helen,

    Thought I’d add in my own thoughts:
    1. 3 months is a very short time to know someone, I’d never expect myself to trust someone completely at that point! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and while I do trust him a lot, it’s not 100% (more like 90%) and I don’t think it ever will be. The only person I can 100% trust is me
    2. Like you, I’m an overthinker and it’s my fatal flaw when it comes to relationships. And one of the things I know about myself is that while I am a normally calm and confident woman, being in a romantic relationship brings out some of the worst in me (neuroticism, paranoia, clinginess, sacrificing my own needs, etc.) My boyfriend told me many times in the beginning of our relationship: “trust me, and don’t focus on negative outcomes”, so I’ve trained myself to forcefully turn my brain away from unfounded worries.
    3. I don’t mean to pry, but by any chance are you taking any hormonal birth control/the pill? I’ve found that there are certain brands that made me extremely emotional and depressive and nearly ruined my relationship because I became so wildly unreasonable. Then I switched to a different brand and it was taking a dose of Instant Sanity (TM). 😉 Just something to watch out for in the future if it ever comes up!

    #40049
    Matt
    Participant

    Helen,

    Those are great questions to ask yourself. Consider that being in love is being vulnerable, which is scary at first… especially when we were in a painful childhood. Pema Chodron has a great book “From Fear to Fearlessness” that I think may strike you well. It may be helpful to set aside the judgements of health and unhealthy, and just say “this is fear, now where is it coming from?”

    One thing that stuck out is how you said “…blurred lines, where I do not know what to think, feel or react.” Consider that we don’t “have to” think or feel, we are experiencing confusion. We don’t like to be confused, so we try to make it fit somewhere else. If we can step back and say “hmmm.. confusion, then we can investigate. Otherwise we get caught in a loop where we just doubt… like we accept the situation as is but don’t have enough information to respond wisely. So, we start generating mental fantasy to make it fit our feelings.

    Namaste!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #40072
    Helen
    Participant

    Dear Jade

    Thank you for responding. You are totally right, three months is actually short time to build that essential trust with someone. I just feel like whenever I try and tell him that trust doesn’t come automatically and that he has to earn it, he feels insulted. Which is his problem actually… 😉

    I do take birth control, but only for over a month now (a non estrogen pill with pretty much no side effects), and this started way back when we first were dating. So I know it has to do with my anxiety and trust issues.

    Matt, thank you for the recommendation I will definitely look it up. Can you elaborate on what you meant with confusion and trying to make it fit to our feelings?

    Namaste
    Helen

    #40085
    Matt
    Participant

    Helen,

    In regard to trying to make confusion fit our feelings:

    When we are used to feeling strong and secure, either in following well known paths or working with well established relationships, we don’t have much confusion. From A comes B. For instance, when we are hungry we eat, and the hunger goes away.

    When we are in uncharted territory (such as the vulnerability of a romantic relationship) we’re not sure about the feelings we’re experiencing or where they come from. The feelings are there, but what to do about them or with them is unknown, so we become confused. This is normal as we embark into the unknown.

    Instead of “how should I feel here” which is a comparison that really leads nowhere because we are all different, there is “what I feel is” and “what I see is”. There is no “should”.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #40124
    Helen
    Participant

    Dearest Matt

    That is true. This is still a new territory for me, as this is the first real longer-term relationship I’ve ever had.

    Thank you!

    Namaste

    #40126
    Matt
    Participant

    Helen,

    Which is why it is important to be patient, gentle and understanding with your self and your feelings. Letting go of the need to push, to experience understanding immediately…we let the experiences rise naturally and fluidly. This softens our perceptions, making room in our mind to grow and absorb the new information with equanimity and wisdom. Said differently, if you give yourself permission to not know what something means, your mind and heart will remain curious and explore the new experiences. Namaste, sister. May you find peace.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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