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- This topic has 203 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 days, 14 hours ago by Helcat.
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October 14, 2024 at 8:38 pm #438761anitaParticipant
Good night, special, precious Helcat.
anita
October 15, 2024 at 11:07 am #438784anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
I just realized that I didn’t respond to your post from yesterday, so here is my response:
You are welcome! “Recently, we are arguing about arguing. We are both stubborn, so that is a factor too. Poor communication, often turns things into an argument“- I suppose this is what couple therapy is about: improving communication/ avoiding arguments.
“I think that we try not to bother each other and try to live with difficulties until it hurts. Trying to tough it out and see if things improve. When things go on for a long time and there is no improvement, that is when it becomes an argument“- perhaps have a daily meeting, a difficulties- resolution/ better-communication meeting per day designed to bother each other constructively.
“I agree, arguing has become very harmful“- do no harm= do not argue.
“I have always liked animals better than people. It’s true. Our son is easy because he is in that group of non-verbal, no stress“- your husband and you can have a non-verbal communication meeting every day as well, perhaps..? Two meetings per day: one verbal, and one non-verbal.
“I’m glad to hear that you found a different dentist! I hope that your experience is better next time around.“- thank you. Not looking forward to it, yet, relieved that I will not see the same faces (the hygienists) that the panic attached itself to.
“It is hard for me to start from the beginning at the moment. My PTSD is quite bad right now. My mind is a bit out of control. Sometimes . I have difficulty managing my thoughts, feelings and reactions“- I wish that you could take time out for a week or two, away from the current place and triggers.
“A positive step is that my husband has started letting me take breaks when I need them“- good thing, taking breaks is a must for you, an unnegotiable need/ coping mechanism.
“When I am in control of myself. I use the communication techniques recommended by our couples counsellor and things go better. My husband doesn’t try and use them without my guidance yet. This is something that I think needs to change.“- I hope it changes soon. I hope he makes the effort.
anita
October 16, 2024 at 3:19 am #438796HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your empathy. It means a lot to me, to be understood. I appreciate your ideas to help the relationship.
Yes, I also think that couples counselling is about my husband learning to emphasize with my perspective. This is something that he struggles with.
Yesterday, he finally acknowledged that he has been struggling with his own untreat PTSD which has been triggered because of the prolonged stress and argumemts.
It was nice to hear him finally say that it wasn’t my fault. I think that if I hadn’t tried my hardest to manage my behaviour during the arguments we would never make it. I have honestly been trying my best.
He isn’t a bad person and I know that things are hard but I hope that they will get easier again and ideally get to an even healthier place than they were. A place where we can healthily and happily raise a child.
I know that it’s not going to be easy, there are going to be mistakes. But ideally, less and less mistakes until things are okay.
I don’t think that the dental work is something to look forward to. Looking forward to it being over on the other hand 😂 I think you’ve done a really good job advocating for yourself and planning a strategy to help yourself be as comfortable as possible!
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
October 16, 2024 at 1:11 pm #438810anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation so beautifully ❤️.
“Yes, I also think that couples counselling is about my husband learning to emphasize with my perspective. This is something that he struggles with“- I see..
“Yesterday, he finally acknowledged that he has been struggling with his own untreated PTSD which has been triggered because of the prolonged stress and arguments. It was nice to hear him finally say that it wasn’t my fault“- getting to understand better.
“I have honestly been trying my best“- yes, you have, very well done, Helcat!
“I don’t think that the dental work is something to look forward to…“- thank you. Interestingly, on March 14, 2022 (two years and 7 months ago!), I shared with you on your first thread, about a visit I had at the same dental clinic where I experienced panic recently. It was a routine teeth cleaning appt back then, with a very thorough, competent dental hygienist (she is not one of the two hygienists I saw most recently, the two who displayed a level of incompetency in the task of numbing my gums before crown work).
This is what I wrote to you back then: “ – just the other day, I had a dental appointment, and as the dental hygienist used a sharp, metal dental scraper uncomfortably too close to my gums, I relaxed so nicely because I focused on her soft face (that which I could see above her mask), her soft voice as she hummed to a song, taking in her ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ as she instructed me kindly to move my head to the right or left, etc. And I thought to myself: oh, how I wish this was my mother!”
(the following boldfaced words are words from the quote above): So, I am thinking, with your husband, as you talk with him about uncomfortably difficult topics (akin to placing sharp, metal dental scrapers in each other’s mouth..?), perhaps aim at saying more please and thank you with a soft voice and a soft face, talking to each other kindly, having a relaxing song in the background.
Perhaps be.. more mother-like to him during such conversations. Maybe it will relax the boy within him, the boy who suffers from untreated PTSD, and make him feel safe enough to feel and express empathy for you.. I hope.
anita
October 16, 2024 at 1:18 pm #438811anitaParticipant* I cannot believe this, Helcat. I just noticed to my amazement, that the post I just submitted to you was submitted at 1:11 pm (my time). And the post I submitted to you back on March 24, 2022 (page 2 of your thread: Does anyone have experience overcoming habitual thoughts of suicidal ideation?) was submitted at.. 1:11 pm, my time.
anita
October 17, 2024 at 2:18 pm #438835HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your support as always Anita! I learned some more about my husband’s perspective today. He tends to be a bit fatalistic when things are in a rough patch. Whereas I tend to be more optimistic that we will get through things and work it out and understand that people have a tendency to argue when things are stressful.
With the baby I did just take it for granted that he would be there when I had everything figured out with the baby and was ready to work on the relationship.
I feel angry that things have gotten like this. It’s something that I’m trying to work on at the moment. I have an unrealistic view of pregnancy and looking after a new baby. I think that this has something to do with it. I didn’t expect looking after a newborn to be so hard. I didn’t expect to have difficulties with my husband either. I know that is naive, but I didn’t. I didn’t really know much about having a baby when I was pregnant or when he was born. Realistically, though 90% of couples argue after having a baby. It was my expectations that were unrealistic.
It is a shame that the dentist that you liked wasn’t available. It is something special when you have a really nice one. I hope that the next one you have is nice too.
I’m sorry to hear that the numbing went wrong. That is really awful!
Thankfully, we have had a good couple of days with no arguing. We have talked a little about some difficult stuff, but not too much, softly and gently with each other.
Do you like numerology? Do the numbers have a meaning for you?
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
October 17, 2024 at 7:48 pm #438842anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
You are welcome! “I feel angry that things have gotten like this… I didn’t expect looking after a newborn to be so hard. I didn’t expect to have difficulties with my husband either“- I never had a baby, I wouldn’t know, I don’t know how it’s like. You know. I wish it was easier for you and your husband. I wish empathy for yourself and for your husband replaces anger, with time.
” …I’m sorry to hear that the numbing went wrong. That is really awful!”- thank you.
“Thankfully, we have had a good couple of days with no arguing. We have talked a little about some difficult stuff, but not too much, softly and gently with each other“- E x C e L L E n T !!!
“Do you like numerology? Do the numbers have a meaning for you?“- I didn’t look at what 111 means, but the coincidence that my post to you was submitted, unplanned, at the exact hour and minute as my post to you in 2022 is amazing to me, as in being more than a coincidence. As in.. spiritually orchestrated beyond my understanding.
anita
October 18, 2024 at 8:17 am #438855HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Day 3 of no arguments. I have some good news regarding our dog. His blood test results came back. His kidneys are okay and he still has one elevated liver result, but it is still going down and is much better than before. He doesn’t need anymore tests unless he seems unwell.
Thank you for your kind wishes!
I’m just trying to express, process and let the feelings pass.
I can understand my husband’s side of things. He just wanted to hear his mom’s voice before his son was born. But I had flashbacks to him leaving the operating theatre to answer his mother’s call for weeks.
He just wanted me to be calm, so he could enjoy spending time with his family. But I couldn’t cope staying with his family because of my own family trauma and I was anxious that my husband had started talking to his mother about our arguments. Despite warning him that I would have difficulty coping and might need to leave, but I would try my best. He was still hurt when my PTSD flared up and I wanted to stay somewhere else.
Having a wife with PTSD is hard. Sometimes he wishes that I was normal. I definitely wish that I was normal.
It just hurts that he blamed me.
Having a new baby while breastfeeding requires constant care. For the first 6 months, he was waking up through the night for feeding. Initially, he needed to be fed every 2-4 hours. He couldn’t use bottles for months because he had thrush and there were medication shortages. For three months, he cried for 3-4 hours every evening. With cheaper nappies, he had to be changed up to 10 times a day at his peak. It is providing 24/7 care after a major surgery and significant blood loss for the following 3 months. And with the fibromyalgia, holding him hurts.
It was like torture. I had a breakdown. My bio mom hit me or ignored me when I cried. And I had intrusive thoughts when my son cried that scared me as a result of that trauma.
Thankfully, things are a lot easier now. He doesn’t need to be carried as much because he can crawl. He sleeps better and doesn’t need fed at night. He doesn’t cry before bed anymore and I recovered from the surgery. He is a lovely, sweet boy intent on walking and talking. I’m teaching him things like dancing and how to use crayons at the moment. I just have to watch him like a hawk and try to stop him from killing himself. Mostly, everything is babyproofed. But I have to make sure that he doesn’t chew on any power cables.
I don’t know how you feel about not having children. You don’t need to share if you don’t want to. I know that these things are complicated and it can be painful for people.
That is pretty amazing!
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
October 18, 2024 at 8:54 am #438856anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
Before reading your recent post, I looked up 111 online and tis is what I found: “The appearance of 111 is often considered a powerful spiritual sign. It’s believed to be a message from the universe or your angels, indicating that you are on the right path and encouraging you to embrace new beginnings. Seeing 111 repeatedly can symbolize self-assurance, independence, motivation, and leadership. It urges you to trust your intuition, take inspired action, and embrace your unique qualities. Essentially, it’s a reminder to stay positive and focused on your goals, as you are manifesting new opportunities and experiences in your life” (copilot).
So, it could be a spiritual sign sent to you (through me) indicating that you, Helcat, are on the right path and a new beginning is available to you. And that self-assurance, independence, motivation and leadership, taking inspired action in the relationship will help your husband and inspire him to embrace a new beginning with you.
I will next read and reply to your recent post.
anita
October 18, 2024 at 9:07 am #438858anitaParticipant* I see that not the whole quote can be seen above: “It’s believed to be a message from the universe or your angels, indicating that you are on the right path and encourage you to embrace new beginnings… take inspired action, and embrace your unique qualities”.
October 18, 2024 at 10:16 am #438859anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
Good to read the good news regarding your dog’s blood test results. “He doesn’t need anymore tests unless he seems unwell“- if he hates tests and going to the doctor (and dentist) as much as I do, that’s good news for him!
And good to read of Day 3 of no arguments!
“He just wanted me to be calm, so he could enjoy spending time with his family… Having a wife with PTSD is hard. Sometimes he wishes that I was normal. I definitely wish that I was normal. It just hurts that he blamed me“- I am sorry that he blamed you for what you had no control over. Your childhood trauma was not your fault, never has been your fault, and neither is the PTSD that resulted from the (complex) trauma.
The pregnancy and childbirth (major surgery) were extra difficult for you, being that you suffer from PTSD and from fibromyalgia: no wonder you were not calm in the hospital and needed your husband there, with you, at all times during those critical times. To be blamed for what is not at all your choice hurts.
web md. com/ fibromyalgia and pregnancy: “Women with fibromyalgia had more symptoms of pain during pregnancy than women who did not have fibromyalgia. Also, fibromyalgia symptoms seemed to be exacerbated during pregnancy. Pregnant women with fibromyalgia may experience significant pain, fatigue, and psychological stress, especially in the first three months… Pregnant or not, stress — both physical and emotional — is known to trigger fibromyalgia. Considering all that’s involved with pregnancy, labor, and delivery, it’s obvious that pregnancy is a time of high stress… At this time, no fibromyalgia medications are completely safe to use during pregnancy. In fact, doctors recommend that women with fibromyalgia go off of painkillers and antidepressants before they become pregnant”.
The article includes tips on managing fibromyalgia during pregnancy, and from having read your posts in various threads, you did all that is recommended in the article.
“Having a new baby while breastfeeding requires constant care… Initially, he needed to be fed every 2-4 hours… It is providing 24/7 care after a major surgery and significant blood loss for the following 3 months. And with the fibromyalgia, holding him hurts. It was like torture… Thankfully, things are a lot easier now… Mostly, everything is babyproofed. But I have to make sure that he doesn’t chew on any power cables“-
C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S ❤️ for surviving a very, very difficult pregnancy, major surgery, and parenting of an infant while suffering from PTSD and fibromyalgia!
C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S 🙏 for doing your best to manage your painful, challenging symptoms!
C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S ❤️🙏 ❤️ for being a good mother to your son throughout!
“I don’t know how you feel about not having children. You don’t need to share if you don’t want to. I know that these things are complicated and it can be painful for people“- I never wanted to bring children into the world because I perceived it to be a hostile world. I figured that if I was ever in the position, I would adopt a child who was already here, and who didn’t have a home. Also, I thought that if I went through a pregnancy, I would feel claustrophobic in my own body, scared of childbirth and wanting to get it over with way before 9 whole months.
anita
October 18, 2024 at 8:33 pm #438866HelcatParticipantHi Anita
That is a very uplifting message! Thank you for sharing it with me. ❤️ It’s very thoughtful. You are an angel. 😇
I think that for me, the first couple of months were not that bad. I was mostly very tired and had to be careful not to do too much because I would get abdominal cramps. Also, I was very lucky in that I didn’t get any morning sickness.
Pregnancy hormones have lots of natural painkillers and muscle relaxants. I had to come off my medication before I got pregnant due to some nasty side effects, so I had already adjusted somewhat to not being on the medication. It was very hard not being able to do acupuncture because of being pregnant. But the TCM doctor was able to give me some herbal medicine that is okay for pregnant people to help during the flare ups. I took as little as possible.
As the baby grew, that’s when things got worse. I had pelvic pain even before the baby, so the last trimester was agony. I could barely walk and the last month I couldn’t.
Thank you for your continued support and understanding!
My thoughts are that none of us choose how we feel. It sounds like my husband has been struggling with his own issues too. For a while, I blamed him for blaming me. That isn’t very helpful either.
There is something else that is important to know about him. He has a very good memory. Something that he struggles with is that he doesn’t forget arguments. I am lucky in that my memory is fairly poor. I remember fragments for a time then forget. And I vaguely remember an overarching theme for important stuff.
I think that must be hard for him.
I can honestly understand that. The world can be hostile at times and challenging. The idea of adopting has always been nice to me too. It sounds like you had a good understanding of what being pregnant would be like and made decisions that were right for you. ❤️
I am wondering how you are doing? Are you sleeping any better?
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
October 18, 2024 at 9:15 pm #438867anitaParticipantDear Helcat: I will read and reply further Sat morning. It’s Fri night here. I will probably fall asleep in an hour, and wake up in 2-3 hours, as it happens every night. Awake I think and I need to think less and lesss and lessss. Be back to you Sat.
anita
October 19, 2024 at 8:57 am #438870anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
You are welcome and thank you for the first angel face emoji I have ever received!
“Pregnancy hormones have lots of natural painkillers and muscle relaxants“- I didn’t know this (the wisdom of nature).
“… As the baby grew, that’s when things got worse. I had pelvic pain even before the baby, so the last trimester was agony. I could barely walk and the last month I couldn’t“- there is a long and thorough blog post, living with fibromyalgia. org/fibromyalgia-and-chronic-pelvic-pain (Nov 2023): “Two common types of chronic pain that often coexist are fibromyalgia and chronic pelvic pain… Fibromyalgia affects an estimated 2-8% of the population, primarily women… On the other hand, chronic pelvic pain is a common problem among women, affecting approximately 15% of the female population…
“Emotional stress, anxiety, depression, or a history of trauma may contribute to the development or exacerbation of chronic pelvic pain…
“Fibromyalgia is characterized by central sensitization, which refers to an amplification of pain signals in the central nervous system. This heightened pain perception can lead to widespread pain throughout the body, including the muscles, joints, and soft tissues. Additionally, individuals with fibromyalgia often experience disturbances in sleep, mood, and cognitive function, which can further exacerbate the perception of pain… Central sensitization, which is a hallmark of fibromyalgia, can also occur in the pelvic region, leading to an increased sensitivity to pain in that area”-
– this helps me understand better how important it is for you to have a stress-less, calm home life. It is important that your husband understands this too.
“My thoughts are that none of us choose how we feel. It sounds like my husband has been struggling with his own issues too. For a while, I blamed him for blaming me. That isn’t very helpful either“- blaming people is harmful in any relationship, let alone a marriage. Let alone when one of the partners suffers from fibromyalgia.
There is an excellent blog: fibromyalgia resources.com/wife-has-fibromyalgia: (Aug 2017): “Your Wife Has Fibromyalgia? Here are 25 Ways to Support Her…1. When they are having a breakdown, hold them, let them cry and know you are there for them. 2. Learn as much as you can about it. Be patient… 5. Believe them first, be supportive second, be kind at all times third and pull your weight in the relationship in a practical way. They didn’t plan this any more than you did and you’re both in this thing together… 6. Show Love and Don’t ask too many question in a flare up times….
Also, if I understand correctly, Living with Fibromyalgia & Chronic illness is a support group for partners, something that your husband may benefit from.
Back to your recent post: “There is something else that is important to know about him. He has a very good memory. Something that he struggles with is that he doesn’t forget arguments“- another reason to not blame, not to argue.
“The world can be hostile at times and challenging“- I think that hostility between individuals, between groups of people, between nations, all has its origin in the.. first crime scene, so to speak: the home where a parent is hostile to a child.
“The idea of adopting has always been nice to me too. It sounds like you had a good understanding of what being pregnant would be like and made decisions that were right for you“- thank you! ❤️
“I am wondering how you are doing? Are you sleeping any better?“- unfortunately, had another sleepless night. But had an enjoyable time socializing last evening. I wish I could sleep though.
anita
October 20, 2024 at 7:21 am #438877HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you always for your boundless compassion and understanding! I’m glad that you had a good time socialising. I’m sorry to hear about your continued sleep difficulties. I think that you really truly deserve peaceful rest. All you do is try your best to help others. I’m sorry that sleep isn’t working out for you. ❤️
You are right, a low stress environment is really important for me to manage my health. I did a lot of work before to build up my tolerance to stress and to remove unnecessary stress from my life. The baby dysregulated my nervous system, particularly to do with the hormones (cortisol levels get progressively higher throughout pregnancy) and partially due to stressful circumstances. I haven’t recovered from that yet. I’m not able to cope with stress at the moment. Because of the baby, I’m not really able to do much self-care either. Just busy looking after him really.
I do agree that blame is harmful. It is difficult because sometimes communicating problems and feedback is needed. Upon reflecting, I think that communicating these things with love is important.
I have been thinking and learning about things. I think why this has all hurt so much has been because I have struggled with self-love. My husband was the person who taught me to love myself. I know it is maladaptive, but I based this around his feelings for me.
It is a childish logic, but for someone who hadn’t experienced much love in life because I always lacked it, I felt unworthy of it. I blamed myself as the cause instead of seeing that some people are unable. When he loved me, he saw me as worthy. I felt like I was good enough for the first time because he told me I was.
Having these relationship difficulties, feeling the loss of love. It makes me feel unworthy and unlovable. Logically, I know that this isn’t true. But logic doesn’t dictate emotions sometimes. It takes a while for them to catch up.
On top of the relationship difficulties, my whole life has changed as a result of having a baby. A coping method I used to reassure myself was proving my worthiness to myself. I worked hard and tried my best to help people etc. Now my life is mostly just helping my family.
For a long time, I suffered with disliking myself for the difficulties I experienced in life. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I worked hard to change myself into someone that I could be proud of.
I am still that same person. I just can’t prove it to myself anymore. I think I need to work on loving and accepting myself as I am.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
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