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Viewing 15 posts - 211 through 225 (of 241 total)
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  • #439503
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    Hello Helcat,

    and are you sure that he lied to you? What if he didn’t want to make you more worried in this hard and sensitive period of your life?

    I am glad that things are getting better!

    ☀️ 🪷

    #439505
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Jana

    Unfortunately, I directly asked him about it repeatedly throughout our relationship and he lied to me about it many times because I am aware that these things happen in relationships. He also admitted that he used to have a porn addiction before us, at the beginning of our relationship. This is part of why I kept asking him over the years. I suspected that he wasn’t telling the truth. I just wanted him to be honest with me.

    What you suggested is the reason his mother encouraged him to lie to me about it during the pregnancy. But I don’t think that she has the right to decide that for me when I directly asked even during pregnancy.

    I think he was ashamed of it for a long time. He knows I hate being lied to and he directly lied about it many times. He would know that I would be hurt by that. Maybe I am just the hardest person to tell because he knew that I would be hurt by the lying.

    He never even trusted me enough to tell me even now. I stumbled across it accidentally. I wasn’t even looking. He probably got careless because of the relationship difficulties.

    It feels like an extra betrayal. He has been refusing intimacy to do this.

    Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #439536
    Helcat
    Participant

    I think that things are ending with my husband. He doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

    I’m giving him another chance. But I don’t know if this is what he genuinely wants. I suspect that it isn’t.

    I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep tolerating verbal abuse.

    If it isn’t what he wants I need to accept it and let him go.

    I know that he is having a mental breakdown. I hope that the man I love is in there somewhere and can find his way out. But I don’t know if he can.

    I’ve tried so hard. It has been a year of this. I keep hoping that he will change. He has been a good partner for many years. That is why I tried so hard. It is a shame that this has happened.

    I love him so much and he doesn’t even see it.

    #439537
    Helcat
    Participant

    Or maybe he does and just doesn’t love me.

    #439538
    Helcat
    Participant

    I’m just afraid. I was always afraid that one day he wouldn’t love me anymore. It seems like it has come true.

    #439547
    Helcat
    Participant

    He has been choosing to stay at a hotel for the past couple of days. Our son misses him so much.

    My husband isn’t able to support me right now. I deserve his support. He has supported me in the past. He is simply not capable right now.

    My son deserves a father, a calm and happy home life.

    I appreciate the effort that he puts in as a father. He is trying his best with that. Staying at a hotel was a little taste of what life being separated would be like.

    I would prefer not to for our son, but things need to change. It is also not in my control. And while painful, if that happens our son will learn to adjust.

    I have to accept my husband as he is now, instead of dreaming about who he used to be. He is very troubled at the moment and struggling. But he is still a good person and has the potential to get through it if he chooses to. He helped me while I was struggling and had difficulties at the beginning of our relationship. I’m sure that he felt that I wasn’t able to be there for him. I wasn’t able to be there for him while raising our newborn son.

    I will have to be calm and wait and see what happens. I choose to put my son’s needs above my own. Sometimes I expect too much from people.

    #439572
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    Hello Helcat,

    I believe some separation from loved ones can be useful in tough times. You can process your thought in peace.

    I wanted to ask if you have someone who could support you? I remember that the relationship with your partrner’s family is not perfect and unfortunately from your journal I can see that your mother isn’t helpful, either. What about friends, siblings?

    And has your cat come back home? 🐱

    ☀️ 🪷

    #439575
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Jana

    Thank you for asking. Unfortunately, our cat is still missing. Funnily enough, we saw a cat that looked almost identical to her today. The neighbour was kind enough to let me see her up close to make sure that she wasn’t mine. It was emotional. It’s unique how similar cats can be. It is good to know that it wasn’t her. Not knowing can play on my mind. And in the unlikely chance that I made a mistake, that the cat is happy.

    I hope that wherever she is, she is safe and happy. And if she has passed away (she is an old cat) I hope that she went to a good place.

    Thank you for your kindness in talking to me about this, I truly appreciate it! I haven’t been talking to close friends or family about these difficulties. I don’t want my husband to be treat differently in the case that things do work out. I have been relying on professional support.

    Yes, it was good to have some peace and space to think.

    It is hard wanting emotional support and connection when he isn’t able to give it.

    It was unfair that he threatened to leave me to get his way. I would like an apology about that, but to get one would mean confronting him about it. Would mean him getting upset and being mean. It is good that at least his therapist supported me and told him that he was wrong.

    Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #439628
    Helcat
    Participant

    Things have been going better for the past couple of days. Ups and downs, but minor downs. No arguments. And talking has been going well. He apologized.

    I think that sleep deprivation was a factor in the arguments before again. My husband had always denied it and blamed himself in the past, but even he is starting to see the pattern. Some of our worst arguments have happened when we are massively sleep deprived. Sleep deprivation combined with stress is a doozy.

    It is just a hard experience to go through all of this.

    Now we have both had some sleep, mood is much better. My anxiety is lower which is nice.

    It is just really hard. I think that we have both changed as parents.

    #439682
    shinnen
    Participant

    Wow! You’ve had a rough time of it. I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve gone through.

    … john

    #439688
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi John

    Thank you for your kindness! ❤️ I’m sorry for not writing back yet, there has just been a lot of drama. I really value your message and I will reply soon. 😊 I hope that you have a good day. It really makes me smile how much you and your wife love and support each other.

    Sadly there is more. I just found out that my husband has been bad mouthing me behind my back to his friends and family since the pregnancy. Some people encouraged him to do horrible things like seek sole custody.

    I really don’t like this kind of behaviour because when I was adopted I dealt with this type of thing from extended family who didn’t approve of the adoption. This bullying which went unchecked ultimately ended up with me not being accepted by my family.

    The sad thing is that my husband knows all of this and he did it anyway. Some of the people who did these things are supposed to be psychologists. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel. He didn’t defend me at all and actively encouraged their behaviour.

    He has been nasty to me about it since I found out, but I refuse to argue with him.

    I’m just cutting contact with the people who were mean. Like I did in the past.

    He even told his friends and family that he is going to divorce me. He didn’t even tell me.

    Honestly, the year I have had. I would never have expected the kind of behaviour I received from him. He truly was an amazing person. It is why I haven’t given up on him. I hope that he is still in there but I won’t wait forever. It isn’t healthy for any of us.

    I don’t know if I will ever get my husband back or if he will decide to separate. I have forgiven so much already that forgiving this is easy. It is sad.

    I’ve largely dealt with this alone and writing down all of the things that have happened over the past year is horrible.

    I have been trying to keep my mind straight because he blames me a lot and I have to remind myself that I don’t deserve this.

    Having a new child is hard on everyone, it is not my fault that his mental health issues are untreat.

    At the same time. We don’t all get what we deserve. We get what we get in life. And we don’t get to choose it. We get to choose how we react to it.

    I am a patient person and a loyal one. But I’m not here to be anyone’s stress toy. I’m not impulsive and I don’t make snap decisions. If we separate it will be because there is no alternative.

    Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏

    #439736
    Jana 🪷
    Participant

    Hello Helcat,

    is there anything new? Hope things are getting better again!

    J.

    ☀️ 🪷

    #439752
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Jana

    Thanks for checking in with me! You’re a sweetheart. ❤️ How are you doing? I will write more to you soon. I’m still trying to regroup emotionally and it has been very busy.

    We were celebrating Thanksgiving, so we had a nice day.

    Nothing else new. I don’t think I could take any more drama. 😅

    I can’t help but wonder, will we even be together next year? Part of me wishes I had a crystal ball to tell me the answer.

    Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #439753
    Helcat
    Participant

    I’m taking a trip down memory lane and trying to take some notes on schema therapy at the moment.

    Modes

    Vulnerable Child

    Angry Child

    Detached Protector

    Punitive Parent

    Healthy Adult

    There are other modes, but these are mine. So the goal of schema therapy is to grow the healthy adult, and heal the other modes reducing their size.

    The difficulties with my husband have caused me to relapse in regards to my PTSD. I spent most of my life emotionally numbing in the detached protector mode, avoiding the overwhelming pain that the vulnerable child was in.

    Once again, I find myself spending the majority of my time in detached protector mode. It is difficult because caring for a child does not allow you the opportunity to feel your feelings. Or maybe that is an excuse I tell myself?

    Punitive parent mode attacks the vulnerable child. Causing an additional layer of pain. At the moment, it is making me feel that maybe my husband is right and it is all my fault, maybe I am not worthy of love.

    Unmet needs

    Love, safety, feeling valued, self-expression, autonomy, fun, boundaries.

    I will have to meet my needs myself. Getting tired, will have to finish this tomorrow.

    #439772
    Helcat
    Participant

    I guess what I really need to do instead of intellectualising everything is sit with my feelings, experience them without hiding from them or delving deeply into them and let them pass. Trying to understand them is meaningless.

Viewing 15 posts - 211 through 225 (of 241 total)

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