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  • #434016
    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Helcat,

    I am not angry at him or for his wife. Being self centered, I only thought how useless I am cause I could not be compassionate. That I have no wisdom in this matter. But, when one comes upon a person who is hungry but you know the person has stolen before, do you feed the person or not. So being a thief should not prevent one from feeding the hungry. The sun shines on all the people not the select few. Compassion should be given to those who need it.

    So, again, I do need to work on myself. Need to clean up mu thoughts. Not to let one’s sense of reason and feelings of righteousness controls one’s actions or words. He was here for a few kind words. Much like that girl who keeps posting about her ex living next door and feeling like her ex cheated and lied to her. She just wanted to hear a kind word. I was stupid and just told her to stop and move on otherwise she will not move on and live a better life. It should not matter what I want.

    #434074
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    It looks like you achieved what you wanted to a hieve in the end. 😊 I think that he did too, so all was not in vain.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434075
    Helcat
    Participant

    It occurred to me today upon reflecting on the  relationship difficulties in the fourth trimester. Hardship can make people act out of character. But when we act out of character, flexibility is allowed. It is a temporary reaction. A moment of madness. There may be judgement and the start of attachment with empathy. But it is easier to let go of behaviours, thoughts and feeling that you don’t identify with.

    I’ve had moments in the past thanks to meditation. Shutting down anxiety because my health was too bad and it was making things worse and I could not cope. I had a similar moment yesterday. I could not sleep because of anxiety. I thought to myself. I need to sleep, I will be useless to my son tomorrow if I don’t. I don’t want him to experience anxiety like this when he is older. What would I tell him that would help him? Sometimes our minds can play tricks on us thinking of lots of horrible things. But those things rarely happen. Often good things happen or just okay things.

    It is funny how we attach to behaviours and thoughts and feelings that occur over a prolonged time. Some of this is science. Some of it not. This is me, this is unchangeable. If you believe it, it is true. A calm quiet acceptance, a refusal to engage with the mind can help so much.

    Anxiety involves tossing and turning things. Imagining, playing with it in the mind. This is an active process. It is hard to restrain. Very hard, but not impossible.

    #434089
    Helcat
    Participant

    It is said that perception is what makes stress stressful. Once again I am having difficulty sleeping because of hormones. Instead of anxiety this time. My mind is at play, wondering about paintings and the nature of the universe. Time to calm down and go to sleep.

    #434098
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Helcat: thank you for your support on the other thread. I hope you sleep better, that you are sleeping  restfully as I am typing this.

    anita

    #434102
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you, that is very kind of you to say. 😊 I have always appreciated your kindness. I hope that your shoulder feels better soon.

    Love and best wishes!

    ❤️🙏

    #434527
    Helcat
    Participant

    I have a habit of pretending that things are okay when they are not and I’m finding things difficult to deal with. I also tend to focus on only one stressor and ignore the others, when realistically I have multiple stressors and they all contribute to how I’m feeling. There is no point talking about them all. Some are permanent, some temporary. Some I can change, some I can’t. So I’m going to focus on what I can change. It might be worth doing this weekly.

    My bio mum treat me terribly and said that I was just like her. She said that she magically became this way after giving birth and it was our fault. I have always been afraid of having children since then. I have been afraid of becoming like her. Perhaps this has been watered down a bit over the years because I recognize that I am not like her. But I am still hypervigilant and judgemental of myself as a parent. I have been try to hold things together for my son, to be there for him. A lot of the time it looks like ignoring my difficulties and feelings. Heaven forbid that I express emotion because of a fear that might damage him. It is important to protect children from a lot of things. But too much can also be damaging. He still needs to learn to handle his thoughts and emotions in a healthy way. It is hard to find a balance.

    I try my best for my son. I make mistakes, but try to learn from them. I try to provide for him, so that he has everything within reason that he wants and needs. I love him and I think that is the most important thing. That I love and respect him and respect his needs.

    #434529
    Helcat
    Participant

    What does a bad parent look like? Someone who neglects or abuses their child. Someone who is irresponsible.

    Do I think that I’m any of these things? I haven’t understood how best to help my son sometimes and I have had to learn. When I have been exhausted I was impatient. I have resented the difficulties that I have faced as a parent. I’m getting over that though. We don’t always get to choose how we feel, but we can choose how we deal with it.

    It is easy to be unhappy after major surgery, not enough help (we don’t have family helping out), relationship difficulties (now resolved) chronic sleep deprivation and being screamed at every night for a couple of months. Perhaps it is time to let that experience go.

    Who am I as a parent now? I think one of the things that I find most difficult as a parent are the times when a child is unhappy. Learning to take a bottle made him unhappy, but he is fine with it now. Learning to fall asleep without being held is stressful for him, but good for his sleep as well as mine.

    I am proud of his milestones. I take him to his classes. I give him lots of affection and praise. I try and help him to achieve his goals. My boy is very goal oriented. He is always learning and developing his skills. He seems to really enjoy it. That and exploring. The desire for everything to go in his mouth is strong. 😂 I seemingly constantly save his life. I hold him so much I cause myself pain. I want to make sure that he is healthy and happy.

    I think that I am just really anxious. I don’t want to let him down or be that person like my bio mom was. Perhaps these fears are her voice echoing in my mind. Like Voldemort. 😂 Harry… *breathes heavily*

    #434590
    Tommy
    Participant

    An abusive parent would be one who only deals with their own wants and needs and neglects the child’s wants and needs. A good parent lets the child grow. Watches for those milestones which indicate proper growth. Feeds and clothes the baby. Clean when needed. Baths and changings.

    And much talking. Yes, talking. Thru talking the baby learns language and learns to interpret sounds. Exploring is how they grow. And baby proofing is how we feel better that they will be safe. Cabinets with chemicals are locked up. Windows have safety bars. Dangerous areas like kitchens are bordered off to keep baby from hot stove or cold refrigerators or knives. And baby always has their own place to sleep. Of course touch is important.

    Some say not to hold the baby too much. Others say (me included) to hold the baby when you can cause you won’t be able to when they are older. And then when they find everything curious and ask a thousand questions, use your imagination to answer with thought and love.

    They will then grow up to be self centered. Everything is about them. But, that is how we made the world for them. It has always been about the baby. But, we talk it out. And they grow. We give good advice and they disappoint. Hopefully they learn enough to be good people and have children of their own that you can spoil. Yes, we do discipline but not harshly. Appeal to their minds and sense of love and justice.

    The amazing thing is that children will learn to forgive our mistakes and we continue to move forward. Sorry for the rant.

    #434594
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    No need to apologize, I enjoy reading your messages. 😊

    Thank you for sharing your advice about parenting!

    He is meeting all of his milestones. We are baby proofing now that my son has started crawling. He wants to learn to walk already and tries to stand up. He can copy some words too. I don’t think that he knows what they mean yet. I had a dream that he copied a bad word last night. 😅 We will need to be careful.

    He learned to share recently and tried to give our dogs chicken. He offers me his toys when he takes a bottle. I like making him smile and laugh and telling him that I love him every day. He likes when I do funny voices. It is funny how he is shy when he is outside and wants me to hold him. But when he is at home he just wants to explore unless he is tired.

    I feel like time is flying, he is growing up so quickly.

    Do you have any memories that you would like to share of raising your children?

    Love and best wishes! 😊❤️

    #434641
    Tommy
    Participant

    I saw on Youtube John Cena talk about the birth of his babies. He said when his son was born, he just knew he had to protect this boy. That he would give his life for this baby boy. Then he goes on to talk about the birth of his daughter. He said that when the nurse put the baby girl in his hands, he felt that he would kill for his daughter. These are the types of feelings one has in the moment. Luckily as the baby grows so does our sense of responsibilities.

    There are many memories. Such as taking my daughter to day care. I would look at her and see such a beautiful little girl. This was when she was too young for preschool and too old to stay at home and be watch. We sat at the steps of where she would spend the next few hours. She supposedly would have fun playing with other kids and watching TV. But, we sat there and she told me that she does not like that place. She wished to stay home with me. And it hurt me to think I could not do anything to help her. I remember what it was like. And I had to go to work. My wife also worked. NYC is expensive. Soon, she got old enough to go to pre-K. She wasn’t thrilled with the change. But, she soon found it better with a teacher instead of a baby sitter. Soon, we learned she had a learning disability. I knew there was nothing I could do to change this. Spent the entire night awake with this. Going over it in my head and wishing so much it wasn’t true. In the morning, finally accepting it. My wife never did. She kept looking for blame. So, we saved up enough to move to up state NY, out of the city (too expensive). Bought a house in a good neighborhood. Better schools to give her a chance. Schools in the city were over crowded. She just wasn’t getting the services she needed. But, here she got better in school. I do not think of her as disabled. Just different. This year she graduated high school. We came back today from an interview with a college counselor about her courses and any help she can get in school. Really proud of her.

    So, some bad memories and some good ones. Hopefully I get to keep them for a little bit longer. Time flies.

    #434669
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    I will have to check out that video. My husband is a wrestling fan! Are you sure that you could see him on that video? 😂 (I hope that you have heard of this joke).

    Yes, my son is still a baby and already I’m thinking of his future. How to protect him from the world. Realistically, I think that we can only do so much and will have to teach him to fight and help him learn to heal.

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful memories of your daughter growing up! ❤️ It is very touching that she wanted to stay home with you instead of go to daycare and shows what a good father you are. It sounds like you and your wife have done everything that you possibly could to take care of your daughter in the best way.

    That is a good way to think of you daughter, as different. I’m sorry to hear that your wife has had difficulty accepting the learning disability and has looked for blame. It is amazing that your daughter has graduated high school and now she is interviewing for colleges! I can see how proud you are and all of the care with her schooling has paid off. 😊

    Time really does fly when you have a child. It reminds me of when I was a child and struggled to pay attention to something on tv for 5 minutes. It seemed like it was much longer to me at the time. Now, it feels like this past year is gone in a blink.

    My first memories with my son were mid surgery so I was a bit out of it. He clung to me so tiny, fragile and beautiful. I was afraid to feed him, but he wasn’t afraid. He knew what to do. He’s always been a smart boy and driven.

    He learned to give proper kisses yesterday instead of an open mouthed slobber. About time, he was starting to copy the dogs and licked me on the cheek recently. 😂

    Since his crawling he has been hitting his face off of everything. He randomly drops himself to the ground when he gets tired or wants to look at something. I tried to teach him to catch himself and protect his head.

    I have a movement based learning difficulty. It makes me wonder if he has it too. I don’t mind too much if he does have it. At least we could get him help early.

    Please don’t be too hard on yourself for earlier.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434685
    Tommy
    Participant

    Thank you Helcat,

    It has been nice to talk with you. Share a story and a laugh. Thanks for that. I feel that I must leave here. I am not good at helping or giving advice. And am thin skinned enough to be easily triggered. Then off with the mouth and then apologizes for what I said. So, not being of good body and not a sound mind, I think I will leave again. Thank you so much for your kindness. I wish you all well.

    Tommy

    #434692
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Tommy

    I have been really enjoying talking to you as well. You might not be looking to be liked or understood, but you are going to have to put up with me liking you and understanding you.

    I don’t think that you are bad at giving advice. You are still in the process of finding a way that works for you.

    Honesty and being direct are good qualities that I enjoy in people. You always know where you stand and there are no games. It just takes practice and balance bringing a touch of softness. I know that it all comes from a heart of gold.

    You are very open to admitting when you have made a mistake. But are overly hard on yourself when you do.

    We have all made mistakes and been triggered it is not just you. We are simply human. It is a process and a journey. We live and we learn and try again next time.

    The way to tell if you have seriously hurt  someone is if they leave the forum. The way I see it, you are the one that is hurt right now.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434693
    Helcat
    Participant

    Just reminding you that there is another person who enjoyed your comments. Stephanie, I believe thanked you. So you are getting somewhere 😊 In fact, I believe that you are much close than you realise to your goal.

    It may mean that you are under appreciated. But such is the nature of this place sometimes. People often only want to hear things that they agree with. It doesn’t mean that what is being said isn’t important if they are unable to deal with it at the time.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 44 total)

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