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Viewing 15 posts - 121 through 135 (of 166 total)
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  • #438480
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Helcat:

    You are very welcome, and thank you for your appreciation, it means a lot to me. It means a lot to experience a healing of a relationship, here in the forums, the relationship with you. It gives me hope for healing between people. It gives me a bit of hope for healing between groups of people, such as between nations.

    Thank you for seeing me“- it is a pleasure (and a relief) to see you positively. It makes me feel so much better!

    I think that sleep deprivation makes things worse“- I relate. Thankfully, in the last two nights I slept significantly better than earlier.

    You are right about feeling safe being important. I’m glad that since the pregnancy and the baby he has been more open with his feelings. He was very stoic for a large part of our relationship…sharing is fairly new to him“- reads like he is in a process of emotional awakening, reads like he is Working on stuff of his own. Such a process is never smooth or easy.

    What an adult can cope with a child cannot and he understands more every day“- you are very attentive to your son, a very good mother (from the totality of what you shared over time).

    The couples counsellor is doing a good job of helping us to come up with strategies to manage this like talking when the baby is asleep. Love and best wishes! ❤️”- reads like a competent, quality counselor!

    Love and best wishes! ❤️-  back to you, Helcat!

    anita

    #438484
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I’m glad that healing our relationship is making you feel better and hopeful (it makes me happy too). It’s great to hear that you managed to get some sleep. Long may it all continue! ❤️😊

    Very true, I think it is difficult for him. He’s very hard on himself and communication is hard especially when things get emotional. I don’t judge him for it.

    As I learn more about couples counselling there are so many behaviours that are not so much abusive as, they cause some difficulties with communication. It’s all a bit mind boggling. A lot to integrate and work on.

    Thank you for saying that I’m a good mother, I’m trying my best! I think you’re a good person who tries very hard to help people every single day. It is a privilege to know you. ❤️

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #438508
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Helcat: a delightful post to read! I will reply further tomorrow (a busy day expected here)❤️

    anita

     

    #438529
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Helcat:

    I’m glad that healing our relationship is making you feel better and hopeful (it makes me happy too)”– and I am glad that it makes you happy too! ❤️😊

    “It’s great to hear that you managed to get some sleep. Long may it all continue!“- thank you. I am sleeping better these days, although I do wake up and stay awake every night for some time.

    I don’t judge him“- not judging/ not being negatively critical, is so very important in a marriage!

    As I learn more about couples counselling there are so many behaviours that are not so much abusive as, they cause some difficulties with communication“- very good point and very helpful: to tell the difference between difficulties with communication and abusive behaviors

    Thank you for saying that I’m a good mother, I’m trying my best!“- you are welcome, and thank you for being a good mother because being a good mother makes the world a better place!

    I think you’re a good person who tries very hard to help people every single day. It is a privilege to know you“- thank you. I think that you are a good person too, and it is indeed a privilege to know you!

    anita

    #438540
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you for your kind words!

    I’m glad to hear that you are sleeping better these days. How are you doing otherwise?

    It has been calm on the relationship front. That has been nice. Next week, I will have to take the dog back for some blood tests. I hope that his results continue to improve.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #438543
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Helcat:

    You are welcome! Otherwise, I keep myself busy working (a volunteer kind of work) and I socialize as often as possible- this works best for me. For the first time in my life, I panicked during a long dental procedure and had to be re-scheduled. I am now scared of the next appointment and my tongue is bruised (1.5 days after the numbing).

    Good to read that it’s been calm on the relationship front (calm works so much better than anxiety and particularly panic, see above). I hope to read soon, that your precious dog’s blood tests show continued improvement!

    anita

    #438547
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I’m sorry to hear about your challenging dentist visit and that they hurt your tongue. I think that it makes sense to be scared of something like that.

    I’m not usually afraid of the dentist, but I had to get some teeth removed and I had a dentist whose hands were shaking. I walked out and scheduled the procedure with a different dentist.

    These things are painful, stressful and it is important for them to be done correctly. Having a long appointment on top of all that is a lot. I wonder if you could bring music or something to distract you for your next appointment? Or were you doing something like that already?

    I hope that the next one goes more smoothly!

    It is so kind of you to write to people when you have a busy life. ❤️

    Thank you for your kind wishes! Agreed, calm is so much better than the alternative.

    Today, I found a lost dog and returned it to it’s owner. It made me think of my missing cat. A hopeful part of me thinks that it is good karma. Perhaps she will return? I don’t know. Wishful thinking maybe. I can dream. 😊

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #438551
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Helcat:

    Thank you for your empathy and understanding. My tongue is still sore and talking keeps it sore. Good choice on your part to walk out and reschedule following an experience with a dentist whose hands were shaking.

    I wonder if you could bring music or something to distract you for your next appointment? Or were you doing something like that already?“- they do have music playing, and usually, the window is open and you can watch squirrels running around, but this time, with cloth in my mouth for too long.. I wasn’t even aware of the music.

    I hope that the next one goes more smoothly!“- I received a prescription for valium to take before the next appointment, but I am scared nonetheless.

    It is so kind of you to write to people when you have a busy life. ❤️”- ❤️back to you!

    Thank you for your kind wishes! Agreed, calm is so much better than the alternative“- you are welcome and indeed calm is better.

    Today, I found a lost dog and returned it to it’s owner. It made me think of my missing cat. A hopeful part of me thinks that it is good karma. Perhaps she will return? I don’t know. Wishful thinking maybe. I can dream“- I wish she returns to you.. that would be wonderful! And you did a wonderful thing for another pet’s owner, thank you!

    anita

    #438552
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you for your kind words!

    It is the worst when there are problems with your mouth and eating, drinking and talking is painful. I hope that your tongue heals quickly for you.

    That honestly sounds pretty scary. I’ve never had cloth in my mouth at the dentist before. I wouldn’t like it either.

    Well done on coming up with a good plan to help you manage the next appointment. I think that you are very courageous for doing this. It is okay to be scared and even appropriate. I would be scared too.

    To paraphrase Nelson Mandela “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.”.

    I really do hope that your next appointment is much better and hopefully it is the last one?

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #438564
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Helcat:

    You are welcome and thank you for wishing me well.

    I’ve never had cloth in my mouth at the dentist before. I wouldn’t like it either“- I think of it as a form of torture. I will bring it up, I bet there’s a way to do what they need to do without the cloth (plus the assistant didn’t know how to use the cloth, called another assistant and the way they talked, it was as if they used it for the first time and were experimenting.. which could explain why my tongue is still sore, 4 days after).

    To paraphrase Nelson Mandela ‘Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.’“- thank you of reminding me of this!

    If I triumph over fear and attend the next appointment (in 9 days from now), and it’s completed, I will have a temporary crown, then will have to return for a permanent and some other less major work, total, if all goes well, 3 appointments.

    Thank you for your support. It’s this week that you’ll be taking your dog for blood work. I hope it goes well, and I hope things are still calm on the relationship front.

    anita

    #438579
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you for your kind wishes!

    Yes, definitely advocate for yourself and have a talk with them about the cloth and the sore tongue. Perhaps you could call and discuss it before the appointment? Would that be reassuring?

    I do agree about it being torture. I‘m sorry if it seemed like I was trying to minimize your experience before. I was just trying to be calm about the situation and not add to it. If that makes sense? Truthfully, I think you were very brave tolerating it for as long as you did. I would have panicked immediately.

    Three appointments sounds daunting when there have been issues with the initial appointment. I can understand the apprehension.

    I’m rooting for you whatever happens!

    Things are not going so well for me today on the relationship front. A female friend of my husband was behaving inappropriately with him and he is not being understanding of my feelings about the situation.

    Love and best wishes! 🙏❤️

    #438580
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Helcat:

    You are welcome, and no, I didn’t feel that you minimized my experience before. You’ve been nothing but empathetic and supportive, and I very much appreciate your support.  I’ve been talking about this topic with you more than with anyone else. I will let you know what happens next (tongue is still sore, will it ever not be sore..).

    I am sorry to read that things didn’t go well for you today on the relationship front. About his female friend behaving inappropriately, what comes to my mind is that you shared how he was inexperienced and did not understand flirting, you had to explain it to him (from what I remember). I am guessing that he didn’t view her behavior as inappropriate(even though it was) and therefore didn’t understand your feelings..?

    anita

     

    #438585
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I’m glad to hear that you are feeling supported and understand that I wasn’t trying to minimize your feelings. I would love to hear an update about the dental situation if you feel like sharing when you have more news. I hope that your tongue feels better soon!

    The situation is essentially. His friend has had difficulties in her marriage for our entire relationship and when we are having difficulties that is when she decides to blow up her marriage. She started cheating on her husband without taking any birth control and was talking to my husband very explicitly about the details of her affair. She was claiming to be afraid of having a baby but refused to take the morning after pill.

    We visited her recently after having the baby and she was rude and ignored me and made a comment fantasizing that our son was her’s and my husband’s. My husband thought it was a joke. I didn’t think that it was funny.

    I am not surprised that this has happened. I warned my husband about it and he didn’t listen.

    I notice the way that she looks at him now. She was sulking while he was talking to her husband and only smiled and brightened up when my husband paid her attention.

    She is having a mental breakdown and he is only concerned with supporting her.

    Previous exes have said that she had feelings for him and I ignored it for a long time because things were good in our relationship.

    Now I feel like she is taking advantage and overstepping and he is letting her.

    After all of this happened and he didn’t shut her down talking graphically about her affair because he didn’t think it was a big deal, I asked him to set boundaries with her about that. He didn’t understand why even after explaining and dismissed my feelings but agreed to because I was hurt. I then spoke to her and asked her politely to not talk to my husband about her sex life. She apologised. My husband is angry that I spoke to her.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #438588
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Helat:

    Thank you for being interested in my dental-anxiety situation, good to know I have you to talk about it.

    Your description of his friend is clear and I trust it to be accurate. Reads like she is a wild woman of sorts: impulsive, unreliable, not-trustworthy.

    She started cheating on her husband without taking any birth control… She was claiming to be afraid of having a baby but refused to take the morning after pill“- claiming is a good choice of word, I think, because what she says is not necessarily true (or it ma be true at one moment, but not in the next moment). Reads like she likes drama, craves excitement.. craves for things to happen so that life is not terribly boring.

    We visited her recently after having the baby and she was rude and ignored me and made a comment fantasizing that our son was hers and my husband’s. My husband thought it was a joke. I didn’t think that it was funny“- clearly inappropriate and disrespectful of you. Not funny.

    She was sulking while he was talking to her husband and only smiled and brightened up when my husband paid her attention“- astute observation.

    “(She) was talking to my husband very explicitly about the details of her affair… he didn’t think it was a big deal, I asked him to set boundaries with her about that. He didn’t understand why even after explaining… I then spoke to her and asked her politely to not talk to my husband about her sex life. She apologised. My husband is angry that I spoke to her“- I understand your distress, and I would be distressed about this too, if I was in your place. You mentioned before that he is stoic, and I am guessing that her graphic description neither moved him toward her (attraction), nor away from her (repulsion).

    Reads like her behaviors bother you, but they don’t bother him. I feel sad that how you feel about her behaviors don’t bother him enough to assert certain changes in their communication, so that your feelings are taken into serious consideration. I am sorry about this dynamic and hope that somehow he learns to understand better.

    anita

    #438602
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    It is difficult to say about her character because she has been acting out of character recently. For many years she has endured a difficult marriage. She has been considering an affair for a long time, but I think the execution was poor. So it is a mix of impulsive and not impulsive. I don’t think she is thinking clearly and is having some kind of breakdown. That is unpredictable. I think that she also idolizes my husband a bit. He has helped her out a lot over the years. I don’t trust her that much because of the way she has been acting and I don’t know her very well. Obviously her morals and judgment are in question at the moment.

    I do think that you are right about the drama though. It seemed to me that she wanted to gossip more than was afraid of a pregnancy. She was also shocked by her own behaviour.

    Yes, I think he was unmoved by the details. But I still find it disrespectful.

    You are spot on. It hurts that he doesn’t understand, even when I explain my feelings to him. It makes me feel dismissed and invalidated. Thank you for your kindness and empathy! I hope that things change too.

    Some additional context is that my husband is neurodivergent too. I think that this effects both of our communication. I don’t remember if I mentioned it before.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Viewing 15 posts - 121 through 135 (of 166 total)

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