“Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings.” ~Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There was an incessant doubt deep inside that wouldn’t subside. It followed me everywhere—through the good times and the rough times.
By “good,” I mean things were okay. They were never great, ecstatic, wildly passionate, and deeply connected.
I tried to escape it, block it out, ignore it, and pretend this nagging feeling would eventually disappear.
But my heart wasn’t skipping a beat. The spark had long disappeared. I never had butterflies thinking about him. I felt myself slowly withdrawing.
And I couldn’t figure out why was this happening.
He was a wonderful man in so many ways. He treated me well. I knew he loved me. I knew he wanted to be with me. There was nothing drastically wrong with our relationship. Everything was okay with us.
I didn’t understand. I wanted to feel differently. It would have made my life so much easier.
So I contemplated. I stayed. I tried to focus on the great things about him, and us, in the hope I’d fall more in love and it’d all work out.
But it didn’t. Things didn’t change for me. That feeling was there for a reason. We really weren’t right for each other in the long term.
I agonized over what to do for months and months. Should I stay and ignore my feelings? Should I go and potentially make a massive mistake?
After much soul searching and going back and forward in my head, I finally found my answer. It broke both of our hearts but I had to trust my intuition and end it.
This experience taught me so much about myself and what I need and want in love.
I learned that when it comes to relationships, things don’t always make logical sense, you can’t force chemistry, and sometimes a breakup is the only answer.
Here are three ways to know when it’s time to break up.
1. You just know in your heart it’s not right.
This was me above. I couldn’t explain it in words; I just felt it in my bones.
I knew I should feel intensely drawn to him. I should want to spend way more time with him. I should want to share all of myself with him. I should want to make future plans with him and look forward to seeing him.
But I didn’t. And I couldn’t change it no matter how hard I tried.
I just couldn’t feel the way about him that I wanted to. And nothing I did could force that.
It was my gut, my instinct, my heart, my intuition trying to tell me that it just wasn’t right. He wasn’t “the one” for me in the same way that I wasn’t his “one,” either.
There wasn’t anything “wrong,” but the connection I desperately craved was missing. He didn’t light me up and make me want to be a better person. I didn’t feel how I wanted to with him.
This situation is difficult because you can’t always explain or articulate why you feel the way you feel.
But it’s so important to trust yourself. Those feelings are your navigation. Your truth. And when you listen, life gets so much easier and you open the channels right on up for greater love and happiness.
2. You’re miserable more often than you’re happy.
Do you spend more time fighting, arguing, and feeling annoyed and disappointed than you do enjoying, loving, and growing with one another?
I’ve been here too. And at the time I thought it was normal. So I put up with it. I kept trying to make it work. I was convinced the fighting would eventually stop if I could be everything he wanted.
But this isn’t normal, and we were definitely not right for each other. It shouldn’t be this difficult (especially in the beginning).
Of course, every couple disagrees at times, and that’s normal. But it’s how you communicate and navigate these differences that can make or break your relationship.
If you constantly push each other’s buttons and find there’s always tension between you, something’s not right.
If you try to sort out your issues (whether just between the two of you or by seeking help) and you still find yourself miserable more than 50% of the time, it’s a sign this relationship isn’t healthy.
Really, you should be happy together more like 90% of the time!
It’s time for bigger, better, happier, more loving times. You know what you need to do.
3. Your values, morals, and beliefs are misaligned.
Do you and your partner have different ideas and plans for money, marriage, children, religion, travel, family, work, and life in general?
Of course, all of our ideas and opinions aren’t always going to be exactly the same. That would just be weird and boring.
But is there a mountain of differences or even just a few big ones that make you really uncomfortable?
This is tricky to navigate. You might find that for a while you’re both able to come to a happy compromise or in the beginning of the relationship you can avoid those big contentious issues.
But I promise you they won’t go away. They’re going to shine bright at some point or another, and if both of you feel strongly about the topic it’s going to make your relationship extremely difficult.
Years ago my long-term (ex) partner wouldn’t even entertain a conversation about marriage or having children. After a couple of years together this was a huge warning for me that he didn’t see our relationship progressing much further for a long time.
I wanted something completely different than he did in life, and it was so important to me to be able to at least discuss these things. It made me realize we really weren’t right for one another. It was time to walk.
To be happy, comfortable, and growing in a relationship, you both need to be on the same page. You need to feel understood, accepted, and heard. When there are differing views on important life topics, this becomes almost impossible and can be difficult to resolve.
When you want the same things and feel similar ways about important issues couples are faced with, your relationship is so much more harmonious, connected, and easy.
So you’re going to want to think long and hard about whether the two of you are really compatible and what kind of differences you’re okay with.
If there are too many to count or you just find yourself butting heads about critical issues that you both refuse to compromise on, it’s time to go your own ways.
—
Many say that relationships are hard work. This is true to some degree. There will always be tough times that test you both and ask for compromise, but I truly believe that the majority of the time relationships should bring joy, inspiration, and happiness to both of you.
This is when you know it’s real. It’s right. It’s love.
Things aren’t meant to be hard. You’re supposed to support, encourage, and love each other, not constantly struggle with one another or question things.
I know breakups aren’t easy. They’re just as heart breaking for the person ending it as it is for the partner on the receiving end. And the wounds take time to heal.
But if you’re continuously unhappy, seriously, what’s the point? You really are better off alone or with someone who brings you true joy.
So go ahead and trust your heart and your own instinct. You know deep down what the answer is and where your truth lies.
Be brave. Know that the pain will go and more joy will come. Do what you need to do to find real love. It’s always, always worth it.
About Pia Scade
Pia Scade is a love coach, writer and advocate for creating passionate, awe-inspiring relationships. You’ll find her writing weekly at www.piascade.com and shining laser beams on your beauty, intuition and purpose in order to unchain your deepest desires and manifest your wildest, dreamiest love life.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
You didn’t love him. Simple as that. Everything else is secondary.
i agree
I really just want to say thank you for this post.
You’re so welcome BLT 🙂
Relationships are complicated. We are never attracted to who a person actually is but rather a projection from ourselves of who we think they are. Invariably, eventually some months in, we discover that the other is not who we thought they were. This is the point at which our work begins and mature love separates itself from immature love. Leaving is always an option for either party but if you are committed to growth, leaving should be reserved solely for destructive relationships or if staying inhibits the growth of one or both of you. If you focus on what you don’t have rather than what you do have, what makes you think you will appreciate something different. Mature love is a choice. Sometimes it’s a daily choice. If your problem manifested as withdrawal, radical disconnection will not be your solution. Staying is always harder. It requires being an adult and finally growing up…it requires doing the work you both need to do to have the relationship you both deserve. The rewards though are real and lasting.
so true — I think the key to what you said is “if you are committed to growth…”
I find that’s the hardest thing to find — 2 people that are committed to growth and have awareness around that.
When we speak of being in a “committed” relationship, apart from meaning “exclusive” it also means that neither of us will run when it gets hard…but both people have to own their part and do their part if you are to move through this…but disillusionment is a predictable stage we all must transition through toward mature love..it doesn’t “feel” good when we are stuck in this stage…our feelings are all over the map…so the last thing we should be using as our guide is our feelings. This is a rich stage for growth though…if we have the courage to stay and work through our stuff…if we run…our stuff goes with us.
Thanks for your insights Stephen and Nadia! Yes, very true. There will always be difficult times in relationships and it’s about knowing whether it’s just a difficult time or whether that person is fundamentally not the right person for you to spend your life with. A tricky distinction but an extremely important one.
Yeah, this is so very true. Does the feeling of love truly come from the other person in a wave form or from our own chemical brain.
Do we only ever active the love in others rather than project love to them?
If we stay…and work through our dissolutionment we begin to see each other as we actually are…the strengths and the weaknesses..the light and the dark…it is our choice then to embrace the whole person as they are…this is mature love…we don’t necessarily “like” everything about each other, but we accept each other unconditionally…isn’t this exactly what we are all looking for? We all deserve this.
Yes, and at the same time I don’t think everyone is suited to one another and a choice not to embrace the whole person as they are is sometimes a healthier decision… especially when things are abusive or very unhealthy.
Exactly…those “are” both reasons to leave.
I whole-heartedly agree, Stephen. Thank you. I think the problem with my last boyfriend is that he continues to believe that a woman is going to come waltzing into his life making him feel a never-ending feeling of bliss. While romantic, I feel this is a very childish and naive way to view relationships. I was happy with him and I felt we were growing (even if at a slow pace), but he felt that our slow approach and the fact that he didn’t feel like living together (yet?) by a certain time frame was a clear sign of ‘no future.’ My parting words was that a relationship is what you make it. It doesn’t fall into your lap. I couldn’t believe he was going to throw away four years of what we’d built together because he ‘needed to see what else was out there.’ I felt like he was telling me that while I was a ‘good match’, he could probably do better. The funny thing is…it’s me who can do better.
Yes…thank you for that Franki…Hollywood and the media has sold us all a bill of goods that if we can only find the “one” our happiness will be assured. That this person will be our source of bliss and we should hold out for our “soul mate” and the abundance we deserve. “What screws us up most is the picture in our head of what
it’s supposed to look like. ”
One of the best analogies I’ve heard about relationships is the “empty box”.. We have all been led to believe that finding “the one” will provid us with a gift box of overflowing abundance, passion and bliss…the truth is though, relationships are actually “empty boxes” and it’s not about continually going to the box and taking from it, but rather about putting joy, love, compassion, forgiveness and understanding into the box…it’s about making meeting the needs of the other “as important” as meeting our own needs..any romantic love without struggle is probably not worth having..obviously there is a point or threshold of intolerable struggle…when it is better to leave a relationship rather than to stay, but that threshold is much further along than most of us accept.
When someone leaves you either because they don’t see you as “the one” and aren’t willing to do “the work” they have actually done you a huge favor. They have set you free to love fully with someone else.
So beautifully said Stephen 🙂
.
Hi Stephen, most of what you say is correct. However, I’d like to point out, I am a feature film director, producer and screenwriter, and I live in Los Angeles and work in Hollywood; it is neither fair nor accurate to blame my industry for the bill of goods you mention.
Factually, we make movies about “finding the one” because YOU, THE AUDIENCE, INDICATED YOU ARE ALREADY INTERESTED IN DOING SO.
We don’t come up with much that’s original here. Execs at the studios frown upon “original content” and vastly prefer projects based upon ideas, concepts, memes and bestsellers already known, branded and proven successful with the audience.
The idea of “there is only one soulmate and I must find them”, if you really want to be truthful, came first from the New Age community in Sedona, AZ and other vortices, starting really in about 1985-1986. Popular talk shows like Oprah’s took up the banner and invited authors like Marianne Williamson onstage to discuss the concept. It then exploded in popularity and has been growing more popular ever since. Let’s be clear: Oprah Winfrey is not Hollywood.
Her central headquarters are in Chicago, Illinois, and she has never successfully opened a picture.
I’m rather close with the Scorsese camp, and I have; and I can tell you, confidently and truthfully: we didn’t start the fire. Hollywood no more invented the idea of soulmates than Pat Robertson invented The Bible. What you’re seeing is a corporate entity publishing product you’ve told it you like, in order to make money off you.
It also needs to be pointed out, we Hollywood folks are normal people exactly like you. We get up in the morning, fart in bed, wipe with tissue after a poop, get thirsty, need to mend our socks, have to pay our ad valorem tax, and, yes, fall in love. It’s not all glamour and tinsel out here. We’re among the loneliest people in the world.
Ask most of us, we actually don’t believe in love. We view you, the audience, as kind of sweet and naive, and make movies you like so you pay to go see them, and we don’t care what you believe so long as you announce what that is, it can be proved with statistics to investors, and it promises an ROI that will be high. We have rotten dates and make mistakes just like you do. Read my previous comments.
All this “let’s blame Hollywood” talk in the comments under these relationship articles needs to stop. Really. It’s divisive and unfair. I don’t like being attacked because I work behind a camera. I’m as human as you.
Take this to heart and bank on it:
You will never see anything come out of Hollywood, ever, that you the audience, have not told us very clearly you like and want to see. You’re inspiring us; not us inspiring you.
Art imitates life, not the other way around. This is especially the case in lone gunman violence shown on screen, and the cult of worshiping the gun. Hollywood has yet to witness one lone gunman event within our studios. That proclivity, dear audience, belongs to you.
So please don’t blame us here in LA and in the movie industry for everything. A lot of the soulmate movement comes from published books you yourself make bestsellers. If you want to inflict geographic blame for that, might I remind you 100% of the book publishing industry is located in Manhattan, New York, – not Los Angeles, California.
I think you’re right, Stephen, about the “empty box” syndrome. You can’t place your happiness into one person and call it a day. But I do believe that, like the way you choose your friends and who you want to be around, some people are better suited for you romantically, while some aren’t. It’s up to you to make a distinction about whether or not you’re just running away, or simply did not meet your match — how do we figure these things out? By making mistakes, being more self-aware and learning.
100% agree. Both people deserve to be excited about the person they’re seeing. There’s a large percentage of couples where one person is excited, the other is ambivalent/kinda into it, and later settles into something.
Eventually, one or both individuals become unhappy because it was never meant to be in the first place. People are surprised at high levels of divorce, but if you were to look into the foundation of the relationship, it was never strong to begin with.
Why does this happen? Typically because one of the individuals feels pressure to settle down. Society has this weird/antiquated perception that marriage should happen before a certain age. For women who desire children, this is (unfortunately) dictated by a biological clock. For men, the pressure exists as well, but it’s in a different form – peers, family, coworkers, etc.
Getting into the right relationship is not linear (with respect to wanting one/effort – it’s just a matter of luck/timing, to an extent), and finding the person that lights that spark is hard. But it’s the most important decision a person will make in their life. Being self aware/picky will save a lot of trouble in the long run. Oh, and it will likely lead to a happy/healthy relationship : )
Hi Franki, Something so important to a happy, healthy relationship is coming into one as a whole being to give… not to be filled up by someone else or reliant on your partner to make you happy all the time. This is an unachievable role and until we love ourselves we’ll never feel truly loved by another.
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if i am honest i think the hardest thing for me is to have to courage to end it. We have been working for this relation and kept hurting eachother.
I’m not someone that gives up easily but I always had that feeling of “there will be someone else one day” That he isn’t what I need.
and I am not what he needs.
but the courage to actually say , hey it’s over its just not working is harder than i thought it would be
Sometimes trusting our intuition is the path that frightens us the most.
Stephen, I really like a lot of what you have said here. I agree that relationships are like “people growing machines” as David Schnarch writes in his books about Passionate Marriage and the like. I recently ended a relationship with a partner that I deeply loved. We connected in a way that I have never connected with anyone… sense of humor, dance, music, art, justice. We had a deep emotional connection. He was the first person to validate some of my deep childhood wounds of sexual abuse and supported me in confronting the perpetrator. He defending me and advocated for me with my family and taught me to be a better person. It has been a devastating loss for me to not have him in my life. Honestly I am falling apart. He was my rock and emotional anchor. Here was the issue that lead to our break up: I have been very excited about having children since I was 29 years old. He has known this since we started dating and thought that he would be open to it by the time he finished graduate school. He recently finished his graduate thesis and is still very resistant to the idea of children. We were together for two years. He now is not certain that he will ever want kids. He worked hard to convince me to not want children either. I still have this longing to have kids.
I’m so sorry for your loss…losses as you describe are excruciating….I know that what you feel now seems like it will never end..but the waves will abate….in time…
The hardest point in any relationship is deciding to stay and try harder or to walk away….it’s the theme of this excellent article we are all commenting on…only you can decide though…allow yourself to become quiet….consider what you know….silence your fears and then listen to that soft voice inside….let yourself really listen with total honesty around what is important to you….what can you live with and what can you not…we all have this guidance within us..it’s just that we don’t always hear it and quite often even if we do, don’t always listen to it…but it is there…trust it…be completely honest….follow what you know.
Thank you, Stephen. I broke down in sobs when I read this last month. Thus the delayed response. I am currently living with my mom and step-dad… While they are loving and supportive in some ways, my mom, in particular triggers a lot of my anxiety. It has been difficult to quiet myself and allow the healing to happen. I am working on separating myself from my mom… and healing what has the ability to heal in that relationship. I probably need to stop working on healing that relationship and focus more on healing myself. I would love to have more clarity. Like you said, it can only come when we are quiet enough to hear it. I appreciate your thoughtfulness. Happy Thanksgiving. 🙂
I’ve discovered that the path is always a path that leads back to self, exactly in the moment and situation we are in. Whatever is going on be fully present and as welcoming as you are able to. Life is filled with these experiences It’s always ourselves that we find at the center of every one. “You are the sky and everything else is just the weather” Pema Chodron.
Look around you exactly where you are. Look for and be grateful for what you have. This simple act is a key to joy. See it. Acknowledge it.
Acknowledge your sadness as well. Honor it. Lean into it and let it wash over you. Sink into it. Be with it. Let yourself feel all of it. Be still.
Give yourself room for joy though. Doing “the work” is not meant to be “always.” Time yourself out. Take breaks. Be happy. Stay connected to others who support you. Be there for anyone who needs your compassion.
Be alone. Be still. Meditate, exercise, walk. Look for beauty around you and know that you are not alone. Read inspired writers: Pena Chodron, Jeff Foster, Jack Cornfield, Scott Peck, Gerry Jampolski, Marianne Williamson and many others.
Everyone around you is on their own path. Find your tribe. They are out there. We are here.
nice one 🙂
I need advice. I am 23, a run away and basically have no friends or family at all. I run away with the man I love. But sometimes he just hurts me too much with his words and the way he treats me, and I don’t know how to act, what to do, and who is right or wrong. I’m even scared of posting this now. I know it’ll get me in trouble, but I have no one to talk to. If you are willing to give me advice I’ll try to tell my story if not I’ll just delete this comment asap.
Hi Meriem,
It sounds like something isn’t right if you are feeling that way. In fact, it sounds like he is controlling and emotionally abusive. You don’t have to put up with that… you’re young and have your whole life ahead of you. Love isn’t enough for a healthy relationship and you need to respect each other (which means HE needs to respect YOU too, not just the other way around). Are there any domestic abuse/women’s groups where you live? Your focus needs to be on getting out of this situation and keeping safe. Maybe you could email one of those groups and see what they advise. Just remember, there’s always hope and you can do anything you put your mind to. Stay strong and safe.
I’m just seeing this now Meriem…I’m not sure if your situation has changed but when you wrote this it contained a lot of fear..that’s not a healthy place to stay in…
Hey Stephen.
I know this was written years ago but I just stumbled onto these comments and I absolutely love what you said. This article really hit me where it hurt because I am dealing with a difficult breakup. Past relationships I’ve been in I’ve dealt with some heart aches but nothing quite like this. I’ve been cheated on, abused, lost all my friends and been used and tormented in the past but I always bounced back from those relationships. I’ve always took my time to heal, to be single, and then waited for a spark with someone rather than going out and looking for it. But this time I can’t seem to bounce back and I don’t know why.
My last boyfriend was wonderful to me and when he broke things off it seemed to come out of nowhere. He told me he loved me and how amazing I was and then out of no where he tells me he’s had doubts for the past 5 months and he doesn’t think I’m the one.
I was so in love with him, I’ve never felt like that with anyone before, and I don’t know how to bounce back. It’s been a year since he ended things. There is no other woman, he still keeps in touch and wants to spend time with me. We even got back together twice after the initial break up only for him to end up saying he feels guilty because those doubts keep creeping back in. This is after he tells me he misses me and doesn’t know what to do because he’s so torn between being with me and this fear that I’m not it.
I don’t know what to do. I love him, and I know I should probably cut him out of my life but I can’t seem to do that. Every time I try and I think I’m finally getting over it there’s this sudden wave of sadness that I can’t think of anything else except how much I miss him.
What you said makes so much sense to me. I’ve always been under the ideology that as long as you try you can make it work so I can’t understand all of the back and forth.
Hi Maddy.
I had to look back at what I had said….it was a while ago…I’m sorry to hear of your circumstances “unrequited love” it’s called….it actually has a name so that’s how common it is..I’ve been on both sides of it .. Neither side is much fun..what I know though is that you have zero control around the feelings of the object of you affection..in fact, in all likelihood..the more available you make yourself to this “maybe I love you” arrangement the less likely it is that it will stick..alternately you might want to explore “loving without attachment” as an alternate way to accept the love you have…have a look at the work of Anthony DeMello and his book “The Way to Love”.. Google “loving without attachment” and see what comes up…essentially it’s “unconditional love” without future surfing…not every love lasts a lifetime…,but all can be enjoyed…personally…I find this is closest to how I choose to love these days…it makes sense…”love in such a way that the other feels free” Tich Naht Hanh
Hey Stephen,
I was wondering if you could shine some clarity into my situation?
So I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over a year and a half now. We kind of rushed into things as i had just gotten out of a relationship that i was very attached to. I really dont think i had gotten over things till a couple of months or even a year into my new relationship. It really made it hard for me to attach to the one im in now. Im currently living with my gf now but things still dont seem right. Im a very try to become the best type of person you can. Whereas my gf is content to just hangout at home and chill on her phone most of the time. This throws a weird imbalance into the relationship i feel. I also feel like she’s a very negative person and likes to focus on all the bad things that can happen whereas I’m the opposite and love to just enjoy life and take things moment by moment. She also enjoys the 9ccational drink and smoking of weed (3-4 times a week) but I’m really not into that kind of stuff and like only drink once or twice a month and want to keep my mind and body performing as well as possible.
There’s also lots of little things like how i find I’m always doing the majority of chores around the house. And how when i do things that she doesn’t like its a huge but when when i do she does thing i don’t like i have to shut up and be quite. I feel a weight overhead and an imbalance in our relationship.
I really don’t know if i should breakup with her though. Sometimes things are amazing and she can be sweet to me but i feel like her love is selective and only based that i keep doing things for her and receiving little in return. I know things aren’t always suppose to be equal in a relationship.
I know this is alot but im just very confused and havent opened up to anyone about this before.
I feel something similar in my relationship and I know I’m a month late on this one but maybe my experience can help you in a way. I’ve been with my boyfriend
for about 2 years now. I went off to college 12 hours away to get a new perspective, was fresh out of a breakup, and wanted to take a step away from my childhood life in SOCAL, get a new perspective. Well, my friend tried making a move on me, and ended up quitting his job back in SOCAL to move up north near my school. In his car. To do Uber and lyft. Slowly but surly we started hanging out more when I was done with class, going on hikes, camping, ect. I still felt like that i needed to be single and enjoy my college just being a bit uncomfortable without a support like him… Then covid hit and he needed more of a home. He moved into my apartment, but was really helpful cleaning for a few months. He got more into playing video games, and I got more into cooking, cleaning, painting, writing my music, and I ended up losing my apartment due to finance/covid reasons, and resulted in us traveling for 7 months. It was a trip I’ve always told him I wanted to do for many years when we first met. I was really hesitant to make this change, because I wasn’t feeling the strong connection i do with relationships normally, but I like how he always drives me to make my dreams a reality. The trip felt long, I felt homesick, and we were in a tight car and tent through winter months. A pressure on any relationship I know, but he drove the whole way and we made some great memories. Now I’ve successfully completed it, but I feel so tired of him. Like I feel like its been a year straight every day I’ve seen him, and I like my space sometimes. I just feel free taking a step away, but I feel like he can sometimes be a big help in helping me work through communication, and commitment to things. But he doesn’t have that spiritual/creative connection that I reach for in lovemaking and bonding. Is it wrong to think his hobbies of video games are less important than my art? They are both skills, but maybe I’m just not ready to make compromises for my own happiness. It isn’t always equal and he picks up a lot of slack, but maybe I have more fears of being alone than anything else sometimes. Thanks for reading 🙂
Wonderful post! You really hit the dilemma on the head, something so hard to put into words. Truly inspiring and encouragement to follow instinct! 🙂
Thankyou so much Iv2terp…. yes, our intuition never lies… all the answers are there 🙂
You make it sound so simple! I’m sure it wasn’t, it must have been really hard to finally walk! I’m in that situation now.
My husband is a nice guy, most of the time. He is intelligent, makes good money, comes for a decent family. I’ve a daughter, smart, intelligent and beautiful. We have a nice house, cars etc etc…Everything is so great, so why do I feel so unhappy? Why do I prefer not to spend time with him, to be on my own? Prefer him on tours rather than at home!
He had an affair, but came back to me and instead of reworking on my marriage, I revisit the time when I had a chance to leave and didn’t. I’m constantly thinking about leaving, but just unable to do it!
I know deep in my heart I don’t want to be with him, yet I feel I need more than just ‘it’s not working out’ for justifying why I want to leave!
Any advise on this? Thanks for reading!
My advice is to put work into your marriage – actual, legit work including marriage counseling, going on dates with your husband, and finding time for just the two of you. If all of that doesn’t translate into renewed love then at least you can say you tried. I’m 100% in a marriage much like you are (minus the affair). I feel in my heart and to my bones that he is not “the one”. We have two kids, and we’re trying very hard to save this relationship, however, I know in my heart that there is no happily ever after for us. BUT at least we can say that we tried – for our kids if nothing else. The hardest part will be starting the conversation with your husband – don’t hesitate, just do it. If you hesitate, you will never go through with it. I’ve had these lingering feelings for my entire marriage (12 years). You don’t need anymore than the feelings in your heart to justify it. It seems like it would be easier to justify if there were major issues like drugs or abuse, but a lack of love is as good a reason as any. Trust your heart. Trust yourself.
After 24 years of marriage, I’m in the same boat. So good to know I’m not alone or crazy…
Hello BB, just wondering what happened to your relationship? Did you guys split up or stayed together?
As a younger person who has never been married, I’m really interested in how married couples feel about their relationships so that I can learn and have perspective when/if the time comes. It seems from this thread that the marriages have overall been unhappy. But was there ever a spark? Did you feel at one point he was the one? Are you not just feeling the inevitable loss of lust/puppy love and if that’s not it, how can you tell the difference and that it’s time to quit? I’d be wary to trust feelings that don’t trigger the “spark” because you can’t always be floating on cloud 9. Realistically, do most marriages get stale after a decade or more?!
What if you don’t WANT to try…?
JS, I feel just like you do. I esp related to “Why do I prefer not to spend time with him, to be on my own? Prefer him on tours rather than at home!” My husband will be returning from a 4 day business trip in the next hour, and my stomach is turning to knots. He travels a lot, and those are the only days I am happy. When he is home, I spend a great deal of time arranging a schedule that keeps me away from home. I answered yes to all 3 issues above….but just too afraid to actually do something. What if things are worse for me and my daughter if I leave? How can I put my own happiness ahead of my daughters? 20 years of marriage for me, the last 6 or 7 have been unhappy, sleeping in separate beds for the last 4.
To this whole thread- JS, FW63, Turquoise, BB… You have ONE life. And it’s meant to be lived with joy, passion, happiness and fulfilment. Relationhips are such a huge part of our life that affect us in every way. Each of us is powerful and worthy of everything we want and that absolutely includes the gift of being in a loving, healthy relationship. You have a choice! There are billions of of people in the world. Chances are you’ll either be happier on your own to start with and you will find that right person who makes your heart sing. Please don’t settle for less than what you deserve in life or love. Our time on Earth is way too short for that x
This is such crap. Throw away lines.
Your article is a very delicate subject. Each of us is different. You seem to assume your understanding is how everyone should think.
To all those feeling ‘not right’ in their relationship, I wish you well.
Very respectfully, I find that platitude of “billions of people in the world” rather untrue, because as a matter of fact we only potentially come in contact with a very small percentage of all the humans on earth and possible partners we could have. Think about long work hours, living in a small town, reduced social circles, routines, strangers we’ll never exchange a word with, people who are in other relationships, or have other choices, or are unavailable, or people we’ll never cross paths with due to mere luck. I also find it a bit unrealistic to leave someone pursuing that one person that will make your heart sing. If your partner never made you feel like that and you just jumped into a relationship for other reasons, fair enough, it’s understandable your feelings won’t survive and you deserve to find someone that makes you feel thrilled. But if you did at the beginning, I think it’s quite legit to analyse why you lost it, whether it stemmed from you or the other person changed radically (other than the normal shift from the initial falling in love to more mature stages of loving). Why that lack of love? Many people are addicted to that first Cupid’s arrow or need to rekindle after being settled for years… that’s not long lasting, and they end up jumping from one relationship to another, in the search of something that is a pipe dream, leaving people broken behind. I’m not saying this is the case of the comments above, just offering the other side of the coin we should be aware of. Telling those two situations requires work, mental clarity and honest self-knowledge.
I found that almost all the time even though the reason may seem to be simply that is doesnt feel right, it always goes deeper. I would like to challenge you to find the real, highest reasons behind your intuition.
My last break up began as me thinking he wasn’t emotionally mature/intelligent enough for us to be compatible. But then beyond that, the real reason was that he has struggled with lying compulsively about the small things. I had known about this before but the big issue here is much more, because of lying he was betraying who he was constantly, and this betrayal made it hard for him to love himself AND made it so he didn’t understand me at all when I told him I loved him. In fact,he had been relying on me for his own happiness for quite some time.
Beyond this, I realized that after finding out he was still lying, my trust had been irreparably damaged. I had been trying to force myself to trust him because logically I did want it to work out. But no matter how hard I tried my gut was like, “you already tried trusting him twice before, I’m not stupid!”
I think maybe if you confronted your soul you might find that your trust is difficult to give back to him. I found with each betrayal, my heart grew harder and harder and at the end I realized that I don’t like the me w hose heart is a barrier that can’t be penetrated.
“I know deep in my heart I don’t want to be with him, yet I feel I need more than just ‘it’s not working out’ for justifying why I want to leave!” This is exactly where I’m at. I don’t know how to make him understand it just doesn’t feel right to me anymore when he hasn’t DONE anything wrong. Any updates on your situation? x
Thanks for sharing. takes a lot of courage to leave a situation like that; I’ve been there.
What if your unhappy to begin with and that person youre with motivates you from time to time? but your still unsure if hes the one because theres no more excitement.Without him its bad and with him its ok…
This is so how I feel. I’m struggling with myself and having my own problems and my guy keeps helping me and making things better. Sometimes I just feel we aren’t right for each other. That we have different beliefs, but he helps me, loves me and supports me. I just need to be working on myself and it’s really difficult and I think it’s very difficult for him sometimes too. Wish life and love was a bit easier
You have to do some soul searching… what does your heart, intuition, gut tell you? You know the answer deep down. No-one else can tell you that. What I can say is that you should be happy in a relationship the majority of the time. It shouldn’t be a constant struggle and life’s too short to spend wondering and sacrificing what you really want. Sometimes love actually isn’t enough. There needs to be solid foundations, common ground and a common vision for things to work in the long term… otherwise you’re just constantly battling between each others desires.
Wow this is beautifully written. I am going through this exact situation right now. Took two years to finally decide I needed to leave the marriage. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. I wish it could have worked but it just couldn’t. I tried everything I could think of but my heart wasn’t in it anymore and neither was his. I’m excited for a new beginning and to move on finally. I felt very alone while making this decision because people don’t often talk about this so I appreciate this article. I’m starting to question the whole concept of marriage and the idea of keeping a romantic relationship for an entire lifetime. Perhaps we should just enjoy today and leave the lifetime requirement out of it.
So glad the article has helped you Christy. And you should be proud that you’ve had the courage to do what you know in your heart is the right thing for you. If we don’t fill ourselves up and love ourselves first, we really can’t give back to anyone on a deep level. You have to trust yourself. Good luck on your new journey. The world is your oyster!
A lot of people are unhappy nowadays and its hard to know if the source of the unhappiness is within them or is the result of the actions or inactions of others. John Gray the relationship councillor who wrote “women are from venus, men are from mars” switched his approach to solving relationship problems a few years back. He found no matter how many changes or compromises he got one partner to make, in many cases he couldn’t make the other happy. The goal posts were constantly changing. He now advises diet and supplements to balance brain chemistry before doing anything else.
In my mind a lot of the problem is depression and an unrealistic idea of happily ever after as portrayed in the media.
As Stephen Fraser said, we fall in love with an idea of a person, when that illusion is shattered, what is left is friendship and companionship.
An adult relationship.
If you’ve given it your all and tried all the possibilities and your deepest needs are not being met, if there are no children and your so unhappy that you would be happier on your own then consider leaving. However are you chasing first love? Or is the unhappiness in you?
This is just based on what I know about me, and not judgement of others.
Simon, so true and I think the message here is that we need to love ourselves first and be happy in our own life before we enter a relationship in order for us to be happy in a relationship. If we’re not happy in the first place, no one else is going to be able to do that for us. It’s an impossible challenge that ruins relationships. Happiness all has to start within!
Crap.
I was one of these other guys in this situation. Reading this makes me realize just how much of a used and disposable piece of crap I was. I loved her, and will never forgive her.
Wonder why she left?
No, I wonder why she wasted 2 years of my life if she felt the way she did. Wish I had walked at the first sign of trouble.
:((
I’m with you brother. Same situation. Thought she loved me, but she disposed me justifying herself like the author of this article.
🙁
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this subject. They so mirror my own. I have a question for folks: how can you risk your children’s happiness for your own? I have a 12 yo daughter and one that is out of the nest. The 12yo adores her Dad. How can I subject her to the awfulness of a divorce merely for my own happiness?
I guess my question to you is… how would your daughter feel in the years to come that you stayed in a relationship you are so unhappy in? And also, is staying in a relationship that’s not healthy a good thing for your daughter and what example are we setting for our children when we do this? Would you want her to do the same later in life? With love x
I feel like this answer was not empathetic enough to their concern. Say you had a physical pain and you could reduce this by hitting your child, would you still do this? Could you really be happy as your child cries in pain? It is horrible to watch your child suffer and it will affect your own happiness. Admittedly I use physical pain to exaggerate my point . Your reply doesn’t seem to account for this. Sometimes waiting til your kids can handle this pain is the best solution. Most would take a bullet for there child but somehow give up their relationship too easily.
Hi there. I’m young and not married, but my boyfriend’s situation sounds a bit like your daughters. He was a surprise child, ten years younger than his siblings, and his parents were already having trouble when he was born. He thinks they stuck together for his sake and they ended up having a lot of nasty arguments he got stuck in the middle of. Dad was away a lot, mom was unhappy, etc. They got divorced when he was around 12 and I think he feels if they had both tried to move on a little earlier while there was still a little more energy to put into a new life (instead of being totally defeated and depressed after years of it not working) it would saved all three of them a lot of pain and stress.
I stuck with someone whose mantra was that “relationships are meant to be hard work”…and he was convinced that the hard work should keep us together. But I knew that wasn’t right. And eventually I had to be the bad guy and pull the plug on our relationship because I was definitely spending more time being unhappy than happy. You said it best:
“Things aren’t meant to be hard. You’re supposed to support, encourage, and love each other, not constantly struggle with one another or question things.”
Thank you! God bless.
Ahsrah, you’re spot on… they’re not meant to be hard work. They’re meant to be a loving place where we come to fill each other up and feel the safest of anywhere. That’s not to say that there won’t be times where it’s difficult… but that’s totally different to it being hard work most of the time. Good on you for doing what you know was right. Get clear on what you really want in a relationship and this will make a decision to embark on the next one (with a much better suited person) much easier 🙂
Thanks Pia for this article. I just had the exact same experience.
In January, I decided to divorce my husband. He’s a very nice guy, smart, we see life the same way but feelings were long gone and we slowly drifted apart over the last 3 years. It was a tough decision. Not only I was breaking my marriage but I was also losing my best friend (because we were friends, no longer lover). It was scary, in many ways. But as soon as I took my decision and shared it with him, I felt so much better and I knew I took the right the decision (definitely trust your instincts).
The last 9 months have not always been easy or fun, and it’s still not perfect today, but I am so much more happy. I love my new life, I feel connected with my true self that I lost touch with a long time ago. And now I also know what I want from my future partner so I can be happy and in a great relationship.
Can’t wait to see what the future has for me! 🙂
Claire, that’s just amazing! You should be so proud that you loved yourself enough to do what you knew was right for you. So many of us are too fearful of the unknown to do what we know we need to know… and we suffer each and every moment we ignore our intuition. You’re right, it’s not easy… it’s still a tough decision and not one you make lightly but it’s the right one. And how awesome now you know exactly what you want in your future partner. Sending you love and light on this new journey of yours x
Relationships are hard sometimes and they are meant to be. When you’re in a relationship, you learn how to manage the fact that the world doesn’t always revolve around you. Couples should be coming together and fitting perfectly sometimes, and at other time rubbing each other the wrong way and in that process, smoothing each other’s rough edges.
The above scenario works when you’re dating, and it’s necessary to look for what you would feel to be a good match, because, if you decide to marry that should be long term. Marriage is the commitment you make that says “I’m going to love you ‘for better or for worse’ “.
When you do decide to marry though, you realize that the “heart skipping a beat” type of love fades into something deeper and more mature. That’s when you have to work on it and be careful that it doesn’t fade away into nothing.
Many people fall in and out of relationships because once they keep looking for that one person that keeps the initial “puppy love” spark going and don’t realize that sometimes YOU have to keep that spark going. And sometimes that takes some work, and some sacrifice. That’s where commitment comes in. Feelings are fickle, but commitment says “I owe it to myself and my partner to ride through this ebbing of feelings and work to bring back the flow”.
Yes it’s a two way street, but marriage isn’t “I’ll do this he he/she does that”. In marriage you be who you are, live your life with some who is your friend first and you put in 100%. You’re a team working towards the same goal. And that’s why maintaining that relationship is hard work.
You’re absolutely right Lemonade… feelings do change over time and that’s normal. We do have to work at relationships and to ride out the tough times. But when it’s not healthy anymore, you’ve tried everything and you know in your heart you’re not right for each other, I don’t think anyone should sacrifice their life and happiness for the sake of a commitment you made. Being a martyr doesn’t serve anyone. People change and sometimes we do need to part ways.
I’ve noticed in your responses to people you’ve included words like “not healthy”, “abusive” – yet you mentioned in the article that your relationship was “okay”. I think maybe you should meditate on that “mature love” Stephen mentioned.
staying unhappy in an okay relationship even though you really try not to be, is already incredibly unhealthy.
I’ve been in a relationship with the most wonderful woman I’ve known. We share a deep bond and bring each other love, support and joy. Unfortunately we failed to confront a major issue early on. She wants children and I do not. It was foolish of us not to deal with this until we had fallen in love. And now we must face reality. If she does not have children, she will become unfulfilled. I am at a point in life where I do not honestly desire to raise a child. I tried to embrace the idea for her happiness, but in doing so I was becoming unhappy. It created an internal conflict. This is such a deep heartache for us both. We now have to let each other go. There is no choice. Some things that can be worked through and some things that cant. Thank you for your writing Pia. It is helpful.
I’m in the same exact situation. I know it will have to end eventually because this is too big of an issue to overcome. But as of right now…I’m struggling with the decision to end it.
It’s weird. I remember my first love saying at one point how she didn’t have butterflies around me. Now I think of my wife who I love, although in a very different and perhaps more mature way. No, the butterflies aren’t there per se… not in the same way. But the shared values are, the ability on both sides to compromise and see how we both benefit from this, and the genuine caring for one another. I’d rather take a responsible love than one based on potentially fleeting passion. Although I wish I would have not experienced the fleeting passion.
This is my life right now. I am SO hard on myself feeling selfish for wanting out, feeling like a jerk for the feelings I’m about to hurt, but what about my feelings? What about my want for happiness and the kind of love that you look forward to growing everyday? Instead I’m filled with dread and irritation around every corner. I had a similar conv. with a friend today, but reading this really hit home. I feel more validation creeping through everyday, and I hope that soon I will have the courage to fly away.
Everything worth doing is hard.
I loved a woman, with all of my heart. I still do and will do forever if I’m honest for all of the things that she did for me when I was unable to. She gave me passion love compassion and a strength that I have never had before. Losing that because I had an issue that I couldnt then fix, but now have overcome. Totally broke me in so many ways. I know she loves me and she should know that I love her. I live in hope mainly that one day we can reestablish that link, even if its only as friends.
Best of luck to you, stranger. I hope that, whatever the issues of the past, you find peace having overcome them whether or not she and you reconnect.
I met a man a few years back, in my earlier 20s. I was shocked when I realized that I was in love. I couldn’t believe how ignorant I’d been before I felt it. But he was in his mid 30s with a serious drinking problem (to say the least) and refused to face it. We had a lopsided fwb situation, him wanting more till we eventually cut ties. On a rare occasion, I’ll dig out his old letters and be sobbing before i even finish opening them. I wonder if I’ll ever feel a connection like it again. I wonder if the occasional but genuine joy I would feel with him would be worth the baggage and heartache of being with who he was then and may still be. Coming across your comment reminded me of him. Anyway, all the best.
Forturin. The reconnect will never happen,here unfortunately as much as I wish it could. The road has gone too far and long and the lack of comms combined with (her) family meddling since the split and lots of malicious reports from an as yet unknown source, has meant the situation has and can never be reversed. My issues were frankly, gender related, but she and her love gave me a reason to believe in myself and not hide away and face things and actually stop messing about and get things sorted. I did and have and then some. I miss her everyday and I can relate to the connection, letters and the fwb situation as well. I burst into tears several times over Xmas, and have told no one. I would do all that I can just to spend some more time with her. My hands are tied and the Romeo+Julietesque end to something where both people loved each other but couldnt be together will always haunt me. All the best to you too. Remember that people do genuinely change when apart and will do the most amazing things. Any new relationship should and could be wildly different to what you had before.
That was beautifully said. I hope that you two have that “link.” I know a similar pain that you described above. It’s terrible to lose someone that you love who has supported you so intensely on your way. I am heartbroken over that right now too. We are not alone, at least!
Right now as I type this an evil bitch is laying on my couch.its been about 7 yrs ive dealt with this trash of a person.I watch alot of crime shows such as a&e America justice.dealing with this bitch makes me understand how a husband can kill his wife,of course id never do that but…..yeah
Good Article. You’ve shared your courage Pia. Thanks!
This article is hitting me hard. My ex-boyfriend dumped me a month ago. We were in a relationship for a little over a year. Some of the things stated in this article could have been the reasons why the relationship ended and why he didn’t want to move forward (but I really don’t know that). For about 2 months we began to have arguments about each others needs within the relationship. They usually centered on what support looks like for us. We would try to solve them, but it seemed like “band-aid” solutions. Many of these arguments involved me crying about something and all that I wanted was someone to hug me. And when he was at his weakest moments, he wanted someone to ask more questions about his issues. I tried to do this for him before we even had an argument, but then he would say your not asking enough questions or the right ones. When we got into our last argument, he said he didn’t want to fix anything more. I felt hurt by this because I was afraid he was going to leave me. At the end of the night, I told him I didn’t want to speak to him ever again via text. (I said this during one of my weakest moments). I reached out to him a few days later, thinking that we needed time to cool off, but when I finally met up with him, he stated that I broke up with him because I didn’t want to speak to him again. I told him that if I wanted to break something off, he would know, and that I wouldn’t have disrespected the relationship through a text. He also mentioned to me that when he thought I broke up with him, he said he was sad, angry and then grateful to not deal with the stress anymore. Of course, I was hurt by this, but I felt like there were things left unsaid. Later we had a “adult” conversation, (a conversation that I promised myself I would really understand and listen without my feelings getting in the way) in that moment I suppose I was doing things that he wanted from me in support. He stated to me, “why I couldn’t have done this earlier?” and asked “Are you being genuine/sincere right now?”. I told him that I wasn’t being truly aware earlier because of my emotions, and that it took time for me to realize how that support looked for him. I told him that we could move forward together learning from what we have learned, or that we could move forward separately. He chose the latter. I told him that I respected his decision and thanked him for telling how he felt and for the time we had. In the end he said “I was too invested” and that he couldn’t say anything positive about me in that moment.
When people talk about “unhealthy” or “toxic” relationships are these reasons that make them unhealthy or toxic? I keep thinking every now and then that it was my fault in some way. I understand that I am not perfect, but I am willing to make it work. Was this person not ready for a relationship? Are these struggles reasons to end a relationship?
This sounds exactly like the situation I am currently in right now only that I am the guy.
I’d be interested to hear how you are getting on 2 years later?
I think it simply comes down to how compatible people are. If you were arguing too much, then perhaps you weren’t as compatible as you thought you were? If that slowly became apparent, he would stop putting in effort to fix a mismatch that was fundamentally broken.
Another option is that he wasn’t ready for commitment. Look around. Not many people are ready to commit and grow with one person. They say they are in the first few years, but they change as the honeymoon period wears off and the reality of a relationship (work) kicks in.
I’m not sure which category I fall into with my current relationship. I’m only 6 months in, but I’m already having reservations about whether we’re a good match long-term. At the same time, I know I cannot reserve this spot for a unicorn that will never show up.
Hello David, how are your relationship? Did you guys split up?
Hi James. Yes, we did eventually split up. The problem was I didn’t fully want to be in a relationship with that person. I then met someone who I’ve been with for almost 4 years now and is a much better match. However, there is now an incompatibility because I struggle with monogamy. Relationships are hard! :/
I hope you’re doing ok.
This article is simply amazing
These Tiny Buddha authors are fantastic. I’m starting to wonder if they all attend a secret class titled “How to end your article with a bang that wakes readers up like a hard slap to the face!” Perfect example below:
“Be brave. Know that the pain will go and more joy will come. Do what you need to do to find real love. It’s always, always worth it.”
Wow. Crystal-clear. And when you’re breaking up with someone, these words are like a B-Vitamin or Adrenalin shot straight to the heart. It’s spiritual caffeine. As e.e. cummings would say, “The eyes of my eyes have opened.”
We take two steps going up the mountain, then kneel, then rise and take another two painful small steps up the mountain, then kneel; rinse, repeat; in the journey of loving another human being, should we choose to, love makes us all that mythical Chinese couple punished for committing theft by being forced to ascend a high mountain in the above seemingly terrible way. But when the couple arrived at the peak, they became enlightened, and never stole again.
Perhaps Love, as an archetype, requires that we atone for the mistake of reaching for it without giving first – which is a type of theft – by ascending similarly.
Thanks for this great article.
“Many say that relationships are hard work. This is true to some degree. There will always be tough times that test you both and ask for compromise, but I truly believe that the majority of the time relationships should bring joy, inspiration, and happiness to both of you.” Thank you for this resounding and easily identifiable post! I thought I’d met “The One” earlier on and we were slated for life…but after 3 years, we ran into exactly what you described above; fights, disagreements, struggles, lack of purpose a/or excitement. “Talking” became a dreaded exercise, and exchanges grew bitter. Finally, the cord was cut, and as painful as it was for both of us, we moved onto better lives. We fought long and hard, but not that it was never right, it just was no longer right. Thanks for sharing, beautiful post!
I am struggling with deciding to leave a relationship. I have been with him for 4 1/2 years and we have had good time, but over the years he has been drunk and physically and mentally abusive. I had him arrested for domestic assault and battery in September and ever since then he has not drank a drop and has not been abusive at all. Now he is assuring me he will never lay a hand on me again and cries and says he is sorry for everything he has done and wants to work thru things and have a good life from here on out. I am just not feeling it anymore, I really feel like I want to be alone and move out but then when he starts talking to me and telling me how much he loves me and how great everything will be I start doubting myself and think that maybe I should stay and maybe the spark will reignite. I am so confused right now. I really need to read this, it is making me think but I feel selfish too if I leave.
Any suggestions?
I can’t even begin to describe how confused I am. All of you seem like wonderful people with lots of great advice, and I could definitely use some.
Dating my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. He’s my best friend, treats me amazing, and the connection between us is still electric and fantastic. I don’t think we are on the same level intellectually (he has the worst memory ever) but he is the most emotionally intelligent person I have ever met. Our values align perfectly, putting family and children above all else. We are in love but I get a nagging feeling that it isn’t right. I don’t know if this is brought on by myself, or by my parents who don’t approve. It gets sticky with my parents because I hate the way my dad treats my mom, yet I look up to him so much. I love my parents and appreciate everything they have done for me, and I feel like my relationship drove a wedge between me and my dad.
If they had never said anything on the matter, I don’t think I would feel like this or have these doubts, but now I feel like they have taken hold.
He is my first love and i admit to be afraid to break up because I feel like he very well may be the love of my life. He is always willing to work things out and to communicate and he is the most loving person in my life. but I get held up by little things like dogs not liking him. I feel like I have nothing to complain about and I want it to be him and I want to spend my life with him but I’m terrified of making a mistake either way between what I want and what makes me happy versus what I think might be wrong
Wow, I could have written this. How have things been since you wrote this post? I’m in an almost identical situation, but my boyfriend and I have been together a little under 2 years. I love him so much, we still have an incredible connection, and he’s simply the most wonderful man (or person) I’ve ever met. But I have this little nagging feeling of doubt about the long term.
Hello softghoste, how are your relationship? Just wondering if you guys split up or stayed together?
Hello August, how are your relationship with your boyfriend now? Did you guys split up?
The sad reality of reading this article is to the very detail of what if feel an go through each and every day its a conflicting feeling especially when i have tried to leave on so many ocations and he wont let me he says that its ok itll get better that he will change blah blah blah i fall for it every time giving him the benifit of the dought but every day i sit and think about leaving and what the out come on telling him once more that the sparks gone or that im just emotionly and mentally draind from all the fighting and him not wanting to compromise or evan talk about any situation i hurt everyday why cant i get the courage to end this relationship whe. I know its not health and that im no longer happy been with him a year now and we have argued every day since we have been together and when i do build up the courage all hell breaks loose and he pulls the guilt card on me im so exsosted from this bull i need advise
Does point no. 1 ever change for some women?? Or is this an end all be all?
My recent ex loves me, albeit isn’t in love with me and recently broke things off as she couldn’t match my love and felt incredibly guilty about it. We previously dated and were apart for two years after recently reconnecting.
Rather than ease in we quickly fell for each other and within 3 months were talking talking about marriage, rings and living situations.
I think she felt pressured into knowing 100% one way of the other as I’d prematurely made up my mind.
Just wanted to know about #1 as she said we are perfect but she has to listen to her heart and intuition…?
Thanks!
This reflects my story, I broke up with my ex for a few days ago. Because of this… the detachment from one another, because of the differences… which we dealt with, and we dealt with, and we cried for. And we broke it. It was a huge relief. But for some reason I still cry, missing him, feeling so alone without him, trying to convince myself I love him and maybe it would work if…
I need a daily reality check like this one. This helped me so much.
This is so confusing… I regularly deal with doubting my feelings everytime anyone gets close to me. This includes family, too, but it’s more pronounced in romantic relationships. Butterflies and the newness fades after awhile. I get that. But having thoughts like this are so bothersome. For example, sometimes I get so frustrated, and scared, and start backing away, like giving up. I don’t know if I’m more miserable than happy. I’m certainly not on cloud 9 all the time, but I know not to expect that. It’s so unrealistic, especially since I deal with depression regularly. So, yes, in a sense, my doubts are nagging me and trying to convince me to leave when I have no reason to other than “I’m scared of love and want to run far away from it.” Our views, however, are aligned.
My ex broke up with me for the fact that he wanted space, i tried telling him how much i love him but he was just so stubborn, he suddenly changed, he started cheating, I was so hurt and depressed. so a friend suggested the idea of contacting a powerful man that can help me bring him back that this man helped her before, which I never thought of myself. after i contacted iyareyaresolutiontemple@gmail. com for his help. I asked him to please help me do anything that will bring him back and make him love me more then before, but before the work was done, I was a bit skeptical about the capacity to bring my lover back to me. 3 days after the work was actually done, my lover transformed, he returned to me and since then there is no more mistrust and no more lies between us. He doesn’t cheat anymore. there is no word to say how grateful I am, I am leaving a testimonial on this page, Dr Iyare..
My situation:
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We had intense passion for the first 3 months or so, but then I just stopped wanting to have sex. I think it was a severe loss of attraction and I don’t know how to get back from it. At first we didn’t communicate…only when things got bad recently. I’ve been having doubts and can’t stop thinking that something isn’t right– that maybe there’s someone better our there for me as well as him.
This is coupled with the fact that I never got to go “crazy” and explore myself (and other people). I still love him, but don’t know if I’m in love with him because our spark didn’t last that long. We have an emotional connection but maybe we were just meant to be friends because we both rarely try and do anything intimate for about a year now. When it comes to sex, I just don’t want to have it and would prefer to cuddle 9.5/10 times…yes, it’s that bad. I think I might have “friend zoned” or “sibling zoned” (which is kind of gross) my boyfriend– I see him as someone I love and care about, but I don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t want to break up (and I don’t know why…), but I feel like I have to.
The “in love” feeling faded so fast. I don’t know if it’s just me and I’m incapable of long-term relationships because this is my first (and my parents are divorced so I have a terrible view of marriage…like it’s the equivalent of prison or torture) or if it really isn’t working out between us. I’ve wanted to have more sex, but not with him. I find myself avoiding it and develop attraction and feelings for other people–anyone really, that isn’t him.
Are all relationships like this? Does the spark fade fast? Do people get comfortable and stop trying? I don’t want to dress up for him and look nice…I feel like I’m doing it just for other guys. When I’m not with him, I feel single and have to refrain from flirting. I care about him so much and don’t know where we went wrong, but I just can’t imagine it working out–should I really have to try this hard? We’ve almost broken up several times and I continue to have doubts…something just doesn’t feel right. When we have almost broken up the past few times, I’ve been insanely attracted to him and wanted to have sex (and we had amazing sex last time…the best ever probably). I’m confused if this is “love making” or “lust” because afterwards, things went back to normal in my mind.
Any advice or comments would be useful. We are both juniors in college, by the way, so maybe me wanting to see other people is just because most of my friends are single and I feel like I’m missing out (I miss being single). Also, I haven’t truly found myself and what I like/ don’t like. I feel like sometimes the relationship is holding me back from living my life…but I don’t think that’s his fault, I think it’s more mine. I have this view that I can’t be both independent and in a relationship at the same time because when I’m independent, I get out there and meet attractive (good-looking, intelligent) people, but when I’m back in my relationship it’s comfortable and calming.
Thank you so much for writing this Pia. I left my boyfriend of 4 years a couple of days ago and have been an absolute mess wondering if I have made the biggest mistake of my life.
Everything you said and the number 1 “you just know in your heart its not right” is exactly how I felt in the relationship, I couldn’t have put it in words better myself! He treated me so well and I knew he truly loved me but that ‘feeling’ just wasn’t there for me… I felt like there was something wrong with me and it was all my fault.
This has made me feel a little better, I think only time will help heal this hollow feeling in my chest.
I understand I been in a relationship for almost three years. I felt everything was so perfect in the beginning. I was not trying to think to fast but we spoke about kids, marriage, a future, and a happy life together. We went through a dilemma of a std. He joked about it, thought it was my fault, and thought I cheated. I thought we could work it out but in my heart I knew it was not right. I begun to overthink things, knew it was about sex, questioned his love for me everyday. We had good times, it was something about me that was not happy. I found out I got pregnant and went through a miscarriage. I felt more depressed then ever. I was constantly panicking, telling him how i felt everything. He wanted me to be calm and dont worry about anything because he said he love me and wasnt going anywhere. My mind thought different. I had got a text from a person saying can they lay with me. I replyed to it laying next to my ex. I later on cussed the person out. My ex felt like i was an embarrassment, I was like every other chick, and I played him. I was hurt. I lashed out called him names and everything under the sun because of that. He said he said things out of anger but me being a person who suffers with depression i lost my mind. I knew I loved him but we are both in our early 20s I felt this couldnt be real. For months, the arguments continued constantly because of me having mood swings. One minute I would be happy next i would be sad. I have a son who is not his that bonded with him. Because we were going through arguments it was affecting him mentally. I felt so hurt I felt I lost myself, stupid, i didnt feel as the girl my ex boyfriend first met. I felt like I was just good for sex and that was it. My ex got tired. Told me he was tired of everything being about me. I knew then this relationship was fake. It was the possibility of falling in love I just couldn’t. He told me to take some time to fix myself. I wanted to get over hard times as a team. He then gave up hope about me and wanted to be friends. He felt that while for the time being while he figured out somethings that maybe we could start fresh again. I refused his offer because when a person say lets be friends it means im not interested in you anymore. He then started to ignore me and not talking to me. I made a mixtake for constantly texting him my feelings. He barely responded. He then told me we needed to part ways because he was talking to other people. I dont know what to do i have to deal with another miscarriage and break up all at once. I thought he loved me. But in the end he left me.
I certainly enjoyed reading it you hit it without any shadow of a doubt right on the head.I honestly believe that if more of society engages themselves in this be it just theory to ones imagination it definitely could become a practical experience much sooner rather than later in his or her life thereby eliminating any unforeseeable hurt if there comes a time for breaking up the relationship.
If people will go with your 3 signs than everyone would be divorced. Ups and downs are part of life and people should enjoy up and find a solutions for lows. totally disagree with your thoughts.
I hope someone can bring some light toward my situation because I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a 25 year old female, I’ve been in a off and on relationship with my boyfriend for about 10 months. I’m having a hard time figuring out if I should stay with him, the first breakup we had was because he had hit my dog a few times without my knowledge .. When I was in the restroom. How i found out is I put my iPad cam on and caught it. Why I did it was because we had been living together with my dog, and I started noticing that my puppy was acting extremely scared of him.. So I did what I had to do. We broke up right after that because I couldn’t believe he could hit my dog with a closed fist while he was sleeping. I took him back because I really do love him, we’ve done a lot for each other.. And I just didn’t want to let that go. So i suggested that we both go to therapy so we can why he did what he did. And if there’s a solution for it. . He got extremely upset over it and shut down the idea. Is it time for me to leave him ?? Please I don’t know what to do
Interesting that almost all of the comments by those considering leaving are women. I see the merits of the reasoning, especially when the relationship is toxic. However, I’d like everyone reading this to consider the following: If men were the ones writing those comments, it would more likely be seen as abandoning the relationship, rather than something that is healthy for them. This is a double standard that has bothered me for a long time. If a woman cheats or leaves, most people excuse it as “There must’ve been something missing from the relationship”. But if a man states the exact same reasons for leaving then it is almost exclusively because he’s a dog, and not because he felt unfulfilled, at least not for any good reason. I’m not saying this is this is the situation every time, or that it doesn’t happen, and it certainly is not my situation; it is simply an observation. I think in reading these comments it would be helpful for those who are wondering or doubting to put themselves in the place of their partner and see it from their perspective before making any decisions. You may reach the same conclusion, and that’s OK because in the end it’s your choice and you need to do what’s right for you. But I think it’s very important to see the issues from both sides before making a potential life-changing decision. Just remember that someone else can’t truly make you happy or unhappy, those feelings only truly come from within. So, for those who relate to the other posters comments about being in love but not being sure if you’re with “the one”, please consider the “mature love” comments made here as well. Long-term relationships do require work and commitment, if that’s what both people truly want. There are those who may need to figure out that a long-term committed relationship just isn’t for them, and be honest about it.
Hi Pia, Thanks for this article. I’m in the situation now where I feel my heart is telling me my current boyfriend is not the one. I still need to break up though… wish me strenght. But what I want to ask you, now it’s 6 years after your post, did you find someone else and does it feel much better? It would give me a lot of hope to hear that. Thanks in advance 🙂
Hi @piascade,
I’m in the situation now where I feel my heart feels he is not the one. I still need to break up though… wish me strength. But what I want to ask you, since now it’s 6 years after you first posted it, did you find anyone else with whom you feel much better? If yes, than that would give me so much hope. Thanks in advance.
I was the woman being left by a man who gave me the same reasons that you describe in this post. For him it was liberating in some ways, to me it was the most heartbreaking, terrible and hopeless experience I ever lived. The lack of clear reasons, just that “overall feeling” based on nothing kept my hopes up and made it extremely hard to give closure to things in my heart. I’ll never understand why he felt our relationship wasn’t right, since we felt made for each other since the moment we met, and probably we grew differently in some ways but our core values remained intact..
My own conclusion (trying to be as objective as possible and basing them on his facts and words, not just opinions) is that he never truly loved me, not at least the way I did, even if he seemed to and he was truly thrilled about me at the beginning. His commitment problems were rooted more deeply than he ever realised and he didn’t know clearly what he wanted or expected from a relationship, just letting the thing flow and “I’ll see”. That’s never a good way to start, you need to know and express what you hope for and what you can offer long-term. He seemed to mistake infatuation for love, albeit navigating through periods of very intense depressive feelings and a lack of ability to enjoy the good things in life. My love was stable, it went from thrill to mature commitment, at some point I made that choice and tried so hard to keep us together. I did and would have done anything for him. Even when he was behaving towards me in a questionable way, even when he showed his darkest face, I could still rekindle compassion, all the good moments lived together, love, willingness be with him, to work it out and be as happy as possible. He couldn’t point to any reason to support we weren’t meant for each other. To him, I had been the best girlfriend he could ever have and, aside from flaws of mine that weren’t, apparently, that important to him, he couldn’t say anything bad. He felt terrible and guilty for not being able to love me, not matter how hard he tried. To me all this sounded like someone who’s been emotionally spoiled (maybe my fault) and unable to truly value what I had offered to him. He would pick up on small problems and sabotage his feelings, in and outside the relationship. As many people say here, he thought relationships shouldn’t be “hard work”. I say it depends on what you consider “hard work”. It never was hard work for me. We never had big issues or rows, we were happy together most of the time, got on really well, had a sense of humour and treated each other with care and respect. There was both lust and tenderness. He acknowledged our relationship was great yet he didn’t feel connection and didn’t want it anymore. What on earth?? What is that he expects from life? I was raised in an environment where I saw actual drama: emotional trauma and psychological problems, illnesses, premature losses. He never faced any of this, as far as I know about his childhood. Only, when his parents split up, he run away from those hard times by partying, taking alcohol and drugs. I know how harsh life can be. Probably hard work for me stands for something more serious that the occasional problems we had as a couple, and I was truly able to value our relationship, with its normal human ups and downs.
Anyway, for months he confused me, his words ranged from “dreading” to meet me, to miss us, and even proposing to come back together, because he wasn’t sure what was the right thing to do, to eventually become cold and elusive and say he didn’t want to have a relationship with me (or anyone) and killing any hope of being in a together again. He still felt lustful towards me for even almost a year after he finished it. I learnt he had a very changeable nature, too, and that he wasn’t realistic about how love actually is. Life can’t always give you fun, thrill, excitement. Many times you’ll need to create it. Expecting a love that is always joyful and easy is unrealistic, unless you have the ability to make things joyful and easy within you (which wasn’t the case). He was, to put it simple, immature, and by saying “we aren’t meant to be together” or “it doesn’t feel right”, he was covering and overlooking a plethora of emotional issues that I even offered to help with by paying him for the psychological treatment he was medically advised to take -as depressed and anhedonic as he was feeling- that he couldn’t afford. But he refused.
I find it very hard to understand the article writer’s point of view. To me real love is something so obvious, durable and strong there has to be a really powerful reason for it to break, either the other person behaves terribly to you, or else you have problems with your ability to love. I know it’s just life, but being in the receiving end of what you describe is incredibly painful and unfair. I’d suggest anyone feeling like the writer, take responsibility for your “unexpected” changes and scratch the surface for hidden issues (commitment, really opening your heart and trusting, etc.) that they probably have. Saying “It doesn’t feel good, sorry, I leave. Bye!” is not sufficient, is not right when you’ve been a long while together… you need to look within and give an actual name to that so that you can go forward and let the other person move on too. Yeah, my ex has moved on and is now with another woman, one year and a half after he broke up with me, yet I’m still heartbroken, slowly trying to pick up the pieces after my first relationship and to trust there must be someone capable of requiting my love. I wonder if he’ll lose his feelings with her again, as it also happened with the woman who came before me. It feels so unfair. He never dealt with the problems that created this mess in both of us, while I actively sought help in order to grow. He covered it all with that “loose feeling” of it not being right so that he didn’t have to do the hard work within himself. Actually, during the crisis months, he leaned towards the old habits: alcohol, drugs.
The hardest part that doesn’t help me moving on is trying to reconcile the fact that he wasn’t the right person for me because he decided so and couldn’t love me, while we had, for most of the time, a beautiful relationship we both believed in and that felt mature and real.
Anyway, thank you for shedding light to other perspective.
Thanks for writing this. 4 years and my ex behaved as the man you wrote about. I wish he would have picked us. It hurts I know that he’s going to start over with someone new soon.
Hi, I am 27 year old indian girl in a live in relationship with a portugese guy for more than 2 yrs . Soon after dating for 3 months we decided to move in. Things were fine in the begining but around 2-3 times i found him on different dating sites. He told me that he didnt actually do anything wrong and always convinced me to be back. Last yr around november we had a huge fight and he decided to move out . That left me heartbroken and i begged him to be back and after 2 days he moved back in. This year again we were supposed to travel to portugal for holidays to meet his family but just a day before travelling he broke up . We were engaged for last 7 months . He called everything off and went alone .. i was devastated but during this one week i came to know that he was again on dating sites and was going out with a few girls behind my back . And just made an excuse to breakup that he feels miserable with me . After i realised everything i tried my best to be away from him but after a few days of coming back from portugal while he was still talking to a girl he decided to beg me to take him back and blocked every girl.
During all this i realised that he never told his family about our engagement, told the girls that he never meant that engagement, always made excuses when i spoke about getting married , and was not ready to understand how strict my culture was . He always insisted on having baby but i refused always as i cannot have babies without getting married.
Now when he begged me to take him back he made promised such as he will help me at home with things which he never used to, said that he will tell his family about the engagement and will take me to them in january, said is ready to get married even next month, and that i have full acess to his phone and that he will never hide his phone .
I took him back but after a few days i am seeing the same things again. I have to tell him many times to do a thing at home, he says i am forcing him to get married and even if we do he just wants a paper one just with us .. nit with anyone else , again after a fight he agreed that we can include iur parents but no one else .
I am soo unhappy. I just want to end things as i can clearly see that he just takes me for granted . I dont feel any love for him when i am with him , but i am not ready to end this. Every time he leaves me or i think about leave him i go through so much anxiety and depression, i keep loosing weight and feel sick and so stressed. I know he is not the one for me and i will be unhappy my whole life with him, but i am not able to gather the courage to leave him. I have not told my family that i am back with him as i know they hate this relationship and they will be really mad at me . Not only them but my friends too.. i dont know what to do. I am not able to find the courage to get out of this. I would have been happier if he really kept his promises but he still doesnt. He still doesn’t understand why being an indian it is a strict no for me to have kids without getting married .
Hi Chantelle. I’m sorry to hear you’re in a similar position. 3 years have gone by since my comment and some learnings. I’ve got a friendly thing with him right now. As expected, my ex’s new relationship didn’t go very far. It lasted about 2 years and, upon a recent conversation, he confessed me it was an utter mess and some things happened that he couldn’t believe he’d go through. He wouldn’t specify, I didn’t ask, but I presume such bad things that by no means we ever went through. I felt sorry for him as he clearly wasn’t doing things right for himself or others. He decided to stop living with his friends, which were a bad influence when it came to dealing with problems (aggravating alcohol dependence and stuff). He’s admitted he was too immature in our relationship and let all his own problems permeate us. He left me because he needed to sort himself out. Even though I’m still fond of him, I don’t think I’d like to be with him again. I speak to him regularly and I see he’s still sort of lost, his mood swings have improved but even though he’s learned from the past, I sense he’s still got a lot to learn.
I haven’t found love yet, it seems really hard to find someone who you vibe with, is available and able to maintain a relationship. But I send you the best wishes. You’ll see you can’t be with someone who can’t be with you through all sorts of difficulties, you can’t accept anything but less than that. They’ll realise their mistakes, it’ll be to late, but it’ll give you the peace of mind to know this things aren’t all about you.
Part with grace. You might not find soon again what you find, but hope you don’t lose the curiosity for other sort of experiences that can as well make you grow as a person.
I am going through one of the biggest crisis in my romantic love regarding my long distance relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 13 months now in which I’ve met him only around 6-7 times and 9 months out of which has been looking distance (still is). It’s my first relationship while I’m his n-th girlfriend. He is the best man I’ve ever met in my entire life in terms of character, morality, behaviour etc. But I feel like it’s not working out for me anymore. I moved to another continent for my higher studies (9 months ago) and plan to settle abroad. He says he’s willing to move in with me in a few years and is asking me to hold on. But I’m miserable. I feel like I have a boyfriend for the namesake but that’s it. I can’t seem to maintain the emotional intimacy only through phone calls and we won’t be able to meet each other atleast for another 7-8 months. But that’s not enough for me. I’m not happy but I know how incredible this man is. I’m scared to let him go. But he wants me to hold on nevertheless just so that we can have a happy ending. But I want a happy journey, not just a happy destination. I know I deserve that. I really don’t know how to do it. But I’d rather be alone than be in a relationship where I’m constantly miserable. I know all that but I don’t know how to break up with him and how to deal with the guilt and anxiety that’ll come after.