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How to Deal with a Break Up

“No feeling is final.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

I met him the last semester of college and was instantly attracted to him.  I was definitely attracted to him physically, but it was the way he sat in class with such quiet confidence and mystery that made me long to know him.

I practically drooled all over my desk whenever he spoke, but couldn’t even bring myself to say, “Hello.”  One night out, I saw him standing by the bar. I told my friend that I had a crush on him and she promptly gave me two choices: Go speak to him or, she would embarrass me. Needless to say, I chose the first option.

I don’t remember what was said when I approached him, and in the grand scheme of things I guess it’s irrelevant. We spent the entire evening together. He taught me how to tie a tie, he told me about his closeted love for Vanilla Ice, and we shared the most romantic evening I had ever experienced.

His affinity for Vanilla Ice notwithstanding, I fell in love with him that night.

We graduated only a few short months later and moved away from each other, but maintained a friendship over the years. We got together whenever time and space would allow.

Recently, I took a chance and revealed that I had romantic feelings for him. In a fairy tale-like manner, he flew across the country, and we made the decision to start dating. Everything was great—until it wasn’t, and we broke up.

Although the decision to end the relationship had been mutual, over the following months, I cycled through many feelings and emotions. One day I would tell my friends that I was “so over him,” and the next day I’d find myself flat on my back, sobbing uncontrollably, wondering where we went wrong.

Even today, I can’t say that I have fully gotten over the relationship, but there are a few things that have been helpful to me in the process.

Embrace the feelings.

Breaking up with someone can feel like a major loss. It’s crucial to give yourself time to mourn the end of the relationship; however, it’s important to remember that everyone mourns differently. Some people cry, get angry, lash out, become sad, or deny that the relationship is really over. If you’re anything like me, you’re likely to feel all of these emotions at once.

Don’t beat yourself up for feeling a certain way. My therapist calls this a tendency to “double bad.” You experience a negative emotion (sadness) and then make yourself feel even worse for experiencing it (guilt). We often think that we should be handling a break up better than we are.  We tell ourselves things like “I should be over her by now,” or “I should be handling this better,” or “I shouldn’t let this get to me.”

But, in actuality there is no “right” way to get over somebody. Despite the numerous manuals and self-help books that have been written on this topic, the only real way to deal with a breakup is…to deal with the breakup.

Remind yourself that these feelings are a natural part of the healing process and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel whenever you feel it.

Stay present

Instead of dealing with the current state of the relationship, we sometimes tend to keep replaying the past, looking for answers that can’t always be found, or mentally create future situations that allow us to (temporarily) escape the pain.

Depending on my mood, I would either analyze various scenes from our relationship, searching for any type of clue as to why things ended, or imagine a future in which we both realized the error of our ways and ended up happily married (with children).

However, focusing on the past and future forces us to stay stuck in an endless loop of pain and confusion, and prolongs the healing process. Stay present in the moment and allow the emotional wounds to heal naturally.

Learn love’s lesson. 

Even though it’s difficult to accept that the relationship has ended, I have still gained invaluable information from the experience that I may not have received otherwise. I am better able to recognize what I need in a relationship and to communicate those needs to others. Also, I’ve found the courage to face some of the issues that floated to the surface in the process of opening myself up to another person.

Yes, sometimes the lessons hurt—and like hell.  But learning is an important part of the healing process. No relationship, no matter how negative it may seem, can be considered a “failure” if you have grown as a result of the experience.

If you’re open to it, each relationship offers the potential for spiritual growth and evolution. Rest in the knowledge that while you’re learning love’s lessons in preparation for your future mate, he or she is being prepared for you, too.

Photo by CarbonNYC.

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About Alana Mbanza

Alana Mbanza is a freelance writer and the author of The Paradox of Intimacy: Love and Related Vulnerabilities. In her writing, she takes us on the most liberating and terrifying journey imaginable - the quest to open our scarred hearts and discover authentic love. Connect with her on Twitter @AlanaMbanza or visit her website AlanaMbanza.com.

Announcement: Wish you could change your past? Learn to let go and create a life you love with the Tiny Buddha course!
  • http://droppingtheact.blogspot.com/ Taryn

    Great read! I had a hard time getting through my last break up and I often cycled through a plethora of emotions. And you’re right, the only way to get through it is to let yourself feel it and not be critical of yourself. I struggled with this aspect and I thik it only prolonged some of the sad feelings I had. Great advice to take away!

  • Teachingu16

    Who is this author, she’s real. That’s exactly how it is with the breakup. But I always remember its the experience of love that is exciting for our own life. And she will always have that experience for the best.

  • Chocolatesilk104

    Alana, thanks for the well-writte, informative article, we all go through breakups and it is good to know there isn’t a right way to deal with it.  Keep putting out articles, I’m proud of your success! :)

  • RobEsq

    I am absolutely floored! I enjoyed each moment of this piece. You writes as if your life depended on it. The words are woven together life a perfect quilt and engulfs the reader with warmth, depth and completeness. Amazing and I am anticipating the next article.

  • Carl S

    What a great piece.  Much of your experience mirrors mine from a recent relationship.  Almost a year later, I’m still dealing with some of it – and that’s okay.  Everything in its time.  Thanks for the words.  Peace.

  • Carl S

    What a great piece.  Much of your experience mirrors mine from a recent relationship.  Almost a year later, I’m still dealing with some of it – and that’s okay.  Everything in its time.  Thanks for the words.  Peace.

  • Amanda @ 36broadway

    Hi Alana – it’s very ironic that this post was showing in the top window when I came to Tiny Buddha today. I’m in a very difficult time in my relationship at the moment – you know, where it basically sinks or swims. How I would get through a break up has crossed my mind many times recently, and your guidance is extremely relevant and helpful!
    Staying present is something I’m focusing on more and more and I can imagine so important when moving through a break-up.
    Thanks for the wise words!

  • Chris

    “ imagine a future in which we both realized the error of our ways and ended up happily married (with children).” 
    I seriously can’t stop thinking this. When my sleepless nights are overpowered by exhaustion, I am usually awakened with tears. And there is no longer anyone there to offer comfort. This is the hardest time I can remember and so empty.

  • Vineeta Makhija

    HUH.. I’m trying to get over the one 1 love since 3.5 years n don’t u think I’ve tried all this.. ofcourse i’ve.. but no this click thing is really dangerous.. u r rite no self help books can cure it.. it just goes eventually..

  • Christinag_18

    Thank you for posting this. Im going threw a hard break up and three months later im still thinking ‘what if’. Staying in the present has helped me but im still going threw all my emotions. Today especially has been hard realizing my other half is gone. Keep writing I really love your articles.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Christina!

    I’m glad this post came at a good time for you. I was amazed, when reading this, how much I could relate from break-ups I’ve been through in the past.

    I’m not sure if you noticed, but the daily posts are actually all from different people. This is Alana’s first post on Tiny Buddha. Anyone can contribute a post to blog. If you’d like to read more, you can find the submissions guidelines here:

    http://tinybuddha.com/get-featured/

    Have a wonderful day!
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/dantejohnson Dante Johnson

    My relationship with my girlfriend just ended recently and I have been dealing with these emotions. It’s been the first really hard test other than anger that I’ve had to deal with after deciding to look down the path that Buddha has shown me. My first response was, “Don’t be sad, stop it.” then anger, then depression, then denial, then anger again, then acceptance, then sadness, then fear. While feeling all of this I realized that it’s ok. It’s ok to feel these things as long as I don’t let them control me. I have been doing much better, while still sad, and constantly tested as she calls and wants to “hang out” around every corner making it harder I have nurtured my feelings and no longer feel as bad. I feel sad, of course, but I feel ok. And that means a lot. I really love what you’ve written here, and thank you for this article. 次回までは、友人

  • Michael

    This is precisely my biggest issue in life right now and at the sixth-month point after the break-up of a five-year-long, live-in relationship I’m still missing my ex as if we just broke up yesterday. The bit about “I would either analyze various scenes from our relationship, searching
    for any type of clue as to why things ended, or imagine a future in
    which we both realized the error of our ways and ended up happily
    married” is exactly what I’m going through and even though I know all of the intellectual reasons we split up I’m still resolutely sure I’d love to have her back in a full relationship again if she’d be willing to try again. I have been heavily depressed and suicidal and still in as much pain now as on the day she moved out and I have no idea if I can actually pull out of this.

  • Brandon

    I couldn’t have summed up my emotions any better if I had written this piece myself! I am currently riding the emotional ups and downs of a break up (three months after a five-year relationship). This really was therapeutic! I just want to say thank you!

  • Alana Mbanza

    Thanks for your comment, Amanda.  It’s truly amazing how what we need always manifests exactly when we need it.  When I was going through my breakup, I stumbled across a “break up handbook” in a bookstore that was going out of business and had less than 50 books left! Random right? It didn’t really tell me anything new but there was something about the timing that really gave me peace.  I’m glad my blog was timely and relevant for you. 

  • Alana Mbanza

     Thank you Carl. I still have my moments of sadness but it gets easier, I promise!

  • Alana Mbanza

    What an amazing comment, thank you!

  • Alana Mbanza

     Hello Dante,
    Thank you for your comment.  I love that you said you’ve learned to embrace the feelings without letting them control you.  I think that’s an extremely important distinction to make in dealing with a break up but also just in life in general.  We are emotional beings so it’s natural to feel but becoming immobile because of those feelings is dangerous.  I’m so glad that things are getting better for you and I really appreciate the comment!

  • Alana Mbanza

     Hi Michael,
    I often ask myself what I would say or do if my ex ever called and said he loved me and wanted to try the make our relationship.  The rational part of me says “heck no!” without any hesitation but there’s another side that’s hopeful? in denial? delusional? Regardless, the fact is that both sides are perfectly natural parts of this experience.  It’s OK for you to feel the way you’re feeling. I’m not saying forget the reasons you broke up but obviously there were some good aspects of the relationship that shouldn’t be denied either. Embrace all of the feelings; good or bad they all have equal merit.  And, if it seems like you can’t get through it on your own there is absolutely no shame in seeking out additional help.  Sometimes you just need an objective ear and a safe space to process things.  Thanks for your comment. Peace and blessings!

  • Alana Mbanza

    Chris,
    On the nights that I couldn’t sleep, the thing that helped me the most was writing about the break up.  Sometimes, it would be as simple as “I hate you” or “I love you.”  Sometimes, it was imaginary conversations that I wanted to have with him.  The point was to stop the repetitive thoughts and get them out of my head.  Seeing them on paper made them less threatening and gave me some sort of peace.  This practice might be helpful for you as well.  Take care.  

  • Alana Mbanza

    Thank you!

  • Alana Mbanza

    You’re exactly right.  Even though break ups hurt, the experience of love is so rewarding.  Thank you for your comment!

  • Alana Mbanza

    Thank you for your comment!

  • Alana Mbanza

    The pain does fade with time but sometimes we all need some extra tools in our tool belts to deal with these difficult experiences.  I hope that things get better for you and thank you so much for your comment!

  • Alana Mbanza

     Thank you, Brandon.  I’m glad it was helpful!

  • Lisa

    I think this reaffirms my decision to be end my relationship. I have been debating going back to him…but I think God shows us paths to take and this sign speaks loudly. 

    Still, break ups suck. 

  • Kelly

    I want to say thank you for this article. I’m going through a break up right now & ( I don’t want to believe it) I am desperately trying to hold on & scared of the pain . But this has brought me some peace by reading it. So I say thank you.

  • Kat

    I always get your posts exactly at the right time. Thank you for this. I know I will refer to again and again during this time of loss for me.

  • Jim

    I was feeling great until I looked at the comments section and the first comment has the same name as my ex-girlfriend… dangit!!! lol

  • Anonymous

    I really resonated with the tendency to double bad. I
    intellectually realize that I don’t need to bring on more suffering by
    feeling badly or shameful about my own natural emotions. Thank you for bringing
    out so many comforting and peaceful truths. I continue to reread this post to
    remind myself of the possibilities of growth, and to remind myself that I am
    not the only person that is going through a break up. It can be such an
    isolated business, to carry shame, but ultimately isolation and shame are
    more illusion than life. Thanks for a great piece.
     

  • TC

    How true is that. A breakup can be jump start for your own growth. I think after most of the pain subsides, you realize that the universe is giving you the lesson you needed, even if that wasn’t what you originally want it.

  • Bernardo

    Thank you for the article, it fits with what I deal with at present. The most painful step for me was when I decided to clean up all the photos, cards, gifts and etc. She broke up with me on her birthday :(

    I definitely agree with your post, give yourself a “sad period” is necessary. Listening to sad song, share the story with friends, it is legal even if you need to cry. In order to feel happy you have to know about sadness.

    Time will heal

  • Eric

    Spot on, especially the part about trying to figure out why it ended and the part about replaying past or future scenarious. Currently with a break-up that happened out of nowhere and yes it hurts like hell. This post was like a cold glass of water on a hot day. God bless in life and love.

  • Pams

    I love this article! I am going through a break right now, and I’ve been so confused see I also seem to go from one emotion to the next. Nice to see I’m not the only one. Your tips are also really helping me finally let go of him and move on from the relationship. Thank you!

  • Nate Alba

    thank you! ive been married for a year and will probly get divorced, im trying to stay together but hes the one hving doubts even tho the reason why we are separated was something he did. im not sure if should still have hope or get ready in case its really over. waiting for his answer is just killing me. i dont know if i should keep fighting for someone that isnt willing to apologize and cooperate on the relationship, feels like im deluding myself…

  • Taffy

    I was in a similar situation too Eric, with a break that just ended so suddenly it just left me utter shock, but it’s been four months since then and I will tell you that the pain is nowhere as bad as it was initially. I still do have days where my mind wants to just dwell in it but staying in that sad zone is a lot shorter now than in the past. Now I’m slowly getting back to my old self and feel much stronger as a person because of this experience. :)

  • kiki

    It hurts like hell. At times, it just makes me stay at a place without doing nothing the whole day.

  • apricot

    Hi. I’m dealing with a breakup right now and it hurts so very badly. I feel like we were robbed of what should have been. I was robbed of the future I wanted and the love of my life and I miss him so much and that there must be some mistake. I feel like his reasons are wrong and then I feel rejected because it doesn’t matter if I agree with his reasons or not, the bottom line is he doesn’t want me or none of the reasons would matter. I’m not angry with him but I miss him and I love him still and it’s really awful having to accept something I think is wrong. Sometimes my body hurts so bad and I feel like if I were standing I would just fall down. It’s so hard.
    Thank you for writing your article and thank you to the other commenters for posting your feelings.

  • JBMach

    Thank you for this, though am still fighting for the love of my life, am already accepting the possibility of giving up.. 

  • Kevie29

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years today. A few weeks ago, I discovered that he had been posting and replying to craigslist ads on a secret email account. I also caught him in a few little lies related to his internet activity. At the time I caught him, he flipped out on me, saying it was all my fault for snooping and I put the nail in the coffin of our relationship. He told me I’d never trust him again and it was over. I pleaded with him, it was pathetic, I cried and pleaded with him to forgive me for snooping. I promised to never snoop or bring up the subject again. Needless to say this was impossible for me, and I ultimately told him today that it’s a dealbreaker. The hard thing is that he is 99% good and he tried to convince me that I allowed the 1% bad to take over. Yes, I snooped, but I am not OK with what I found. I am proud of myself for sticking up for myself, recognizing and telling the truth, but I keep thinking of the good times we’ve had. I’m in bed, he’s in the other room. I told him I want to work this out, I don’t want our relationship to end, and I asked him to go to counseling with me. He refused. It hurts so much that he won’t give up his internet fetish for me. I believe him when he says he didn’t actually go meet anyone, but even posting/replying to ads is crossing a line for me. And I’ve gotta stick to that no matter how much he tries to flip it onto me. It hurts. I’ve got to move out and tie up lots of loose ends. We’re gonna be living together for a little while longer, and it’s gonna be hard. This is my first break up (my first boyfriend, the love of my life, tragically died after 3.5 years of us being together). I wish it wasn’t happening, but I know I can get through this.

  • RD

    Thank you for posting this. It’s like you’ve written down my exact thoughts and feelings. I’m somewhat comforted by the fact that you literally feel exactly the same as me.

  • Sur_gaurav91

    come on people….what is the point of crying n feeling so broked up after sumone left u behind…im a guy away from my family n stuck in a phase where im facing a break up crisis…I felt like my hert is crying..i felt this is something happening wrong with me…at the next moment i realised that it is nt my destiny and kife..i do have reasons and causes for surviving…i do hav my dearest n nearest one’s, who are integral part of my life n somewhere they made me happy..why nt be happy for them..why nt rejoice the life as we never fall in love…when u miss her/him plz try to forget it as a dream..its so simple if u will feel u will gett hurt..my emotions n felings r for the one who will have the same for me…other wise i don’t mind keeping my assets with me…the life is long u hav to go a long way….love ur parents not a person who came into u r life n meesed up every thing……im nt very experienced or mature guy..im juz  19  year old boy..n i learnt a lot at this age..the entire war n peace….its my ddep thiniking which creates problem sometime but im all good…its people(parents) around s me who loved me so much..other wise i would ended up my life long back…..all tthe best…..plz forgive me if i have written something wrong….

  • http://evolutionofadreamer.com Sasha

    Dealing with a breakup is never easy, I’m at the day two stage and struggling to see what good can come of it, though logically I know it the long run it’s better for me but right now I just feel so much pain and worse self blame for something that was completely out of my control. I needed this article right now, thanks for writing it. And to all those going through breakups right now, stay strong and remember they may not be in the picture anymore but the world still turns and life goes on.

  • JPW

         I just wanted to share whats going on with me because it is hard to let it out elsewhere. This time last year i was engaged to the love of my life. We had been engaged for 7 months before I made a huge mistake which wound me up in jail for a while. I thought, “My baby will stick by me. Im a good person I just made a bad mistake.” I was right about her sticking by me…for the first week of my incarceration at least. After the first note I wrote her, she decided to sever all contact and delete any history of us. Pictures of us on facebook, gone. Friendships with my family and me, gone. Its like I had my heart ripped from me and the robber ran off faster than she came. I never had a fighting chance.     
          We havn’t spoke in almost a full year now. Sometimes, I find myself wondering, how can she not still love me, how can she not feel the same things I am feeling? Since being released into freedom there have been some major changes in my faith, my habits, and my general attitude. I feel that now I am a much better person and if things are meant to be in the future, then my higher power will make it happen. Thanks you immensely for this article. When I start to hurt again, pieces like this reminding me to deal with the feelings and not suppress them as well as stay in the present tense, are very helpful.
    Thanks!

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  • EF

    This is exactly what I am going through right now too. It’s been 2 weeks since we broke up and I don’t feel any better about this at all and I don’t think it is the right decision. I’m trying to work to accept that this was his choice and I need to respect that and do my best to move on but I feel like he gave up on something that could have been wonderful if we had just given it a little bit more time. I love him and he was my best friend I miss him so much sometimes that I don’t know what to do. Heartbreak is one of the worst experiences. Thank you for posting this. I hope that things have gotten easier for you. I just keep trying to remember that nothing is permanent and eventually this hurt will end.

  • Kevie29

    Just an update, I’ve been doing really well lately. After my last post, my boyfriend went to stay with his friends. Two days later I came home to an empty house. He stole a bunch of my property and took off without even saying goodbye. Actions speak so much louder than words; that was all the clarity I needed to confirm that he was using me and I never meant as much to him as he meant to me. So I’ve been working on moving on. I’ve been dating a little here and there (I even started my own blog http://adventuresofasinglegirldating.wordpress.com) and I’m moving into a new apartment this weekend. It feels empowering to take control of my life. My world is so much bigger and brighter without him at the center of it. It’s a struggle and some days I feel so lonely all I want to do is cry, but overall I know I’m doing the right thing and deep down I am content with that. 

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  • Kt

    I really hope I get there! My ex and i just broke up about a week ago and hes in a relationship now. He says he cares for me and still loves me but how could someone move on so fast after a year and a half of wonderful memories? I would like to think this girl is a rebound but he has a tendency to move on quickly from relationship to relationship. Im so hurt by this because i so badly want to text him and have him tell me he loves me and i was special but i feel like im going to get hurt in the end…again. I feel like im in a black hole and cannot get out. What should i do?

  • Kt

    I really hope I get to a happy place. My ex and i just broke up about a week ago and hes in a relationship now. :/ He says he cares for me and still loves me but how could someone move on so fast after a year and a half of wonderful memories? I would like to think this girl is a rebound but he has a tendency to move on quickly from relationship to relationship. Im so hurt by this because i so badly want to text him and have him tell me he loves me and i was special but i feel like im going to get hurt in the end…again. I feel like im in a black hole and cannot get out. I also suffer from anxiety and panic disorder so all this stress makes me feel sick and like i could just collapse at any moment. During our relationship he told me how much he loved me and wants to make things work forever but then in a matter of a night hetold me he thinkgs it would never work out. Then a week later he has a girlfriend. I feel like im in so much mental pain, what should i do?

  • Life.is.beautiful.

    Thankyou for your moving words.

    I have been feeling lost and angry since my sudden breakup from my boyfriend of 1 year. 
    I am surrounded by friends and family yet there still seems to be a void in my life and I wake up feeling empty.
    Your words have shown me it is ok to feel how I feel and with time this feeling will become part of the past. 
    For anyone out there who is feeling like me, just remember,
    “If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can’t buy.”
    There is always something beautiful in your life, but sometimes you spend too long looking at the bad, you miss the good. 
    Keep strong. 

  • Antparty

    Hey KT,
    I just got dumped Nov. 13th from someone I’ve dated for 16 months. Thankfully, a relationship that ended 12 years ago and put me through 18 months of therapy prepared me best for this recent break up. I look at healing like I do meditation practice. It’s practice. You do it every day. I see my ego going places and I call it out – “past” or “fantasy”. At this moment, not much is really happening so I focus on it. Yes, it’s revealing how boring each minute can be, but that’s the practice. So that you can slowly become adept at living more in the present. I am exercising patience. Feeling the pain when it comes and every day is a struggle to accept the reality. However, I know that it’s a long road and my mind/body will heal from this on its time, not mine. Good luck to you!

  • kathy

    i agree with this one. i have imaginary conversations in the car so that i don’t have to call him. i imagine him answering back to it the way i’d see him answer it… it helps me let go of things. i know it sounds crazy to some but really, this helped me a lot. i never called or texted him since the break up and i don’t want to so the imaginary conversations are my substitutes. it’s been 2 months already and i feel 95% healed already. yoga has been helping too.

  • Lifeisbeautiful298

    hey,
    i broke up with my girlfriend int he most unusual manner.
    technically i don’t even know if we are done.
    Her parents refused to accept me as i was 8 months younger to her.
    Its a typically orthodox indian family.
    We;ve been in a relationship for 1.5 years.
    her parents found out about us 2. and i havent heard from her since.
    However i know for a fact shes been going to her office regularly.
    i am worried they must have forced her to create this space.
    all means of communicating her are dead.
    and i dont think trying to reach out to her and then failing would be good idea.
    we really loved each other but we will HAVE to move on because her parents would never budge.
    the right decision is to move on and i am pretty sure thats what shes been trying to do as well..
    all i wish is for is her to be happy and know that i will always be there for her.
    its been almost a month now, but i am still stuck at “how do i move on” and wat do i do if i bump into her somday…

  • Kellyc

    How do you date for 5 years? If you didn’t know after a few months what kind of person you were with then that’s YOUR OWN FAULT.

  • Gkasejg

    MOVE ON

  • Nelsi

    It’s been five months since I broke up with my boyfriend. I was devastated but I have learned to accept it. I meditate almost every day and I’ve been learning to love myself more. Until today, I can’t say that I totally free from the bitterness, I sometimes still think about him and the other girl. I realized that healing process takes time and we have to be very patient with ourselves. Be strong and believe that everything will be just fine. Thank you for nice post.

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  • JM

    “I’m trying to work to accept that this was his choice and I need to
    respect that and do my best to move on but I feel like he gave up on
    something that could have been wonderful if we had just given it a
    little bit more time.”

    Sums up what I’m feeling right now. We were together for over 6 years, my mom passed away, and then I told him I wanted to break for a while. Something in me snapped, I guess. The break ended up being a very long while, but I still loved him and thought about our future all the time, how great things would be when we finally got back. I was just ready to welcome him back into my life when I found out he was with someone else. He briefly broke if off with her when he found out how upset I was, then decided to get back with her for and leave me behind for good. I feel like he made his choice when things were still really sad, and didn’t give us the chance to heal together. I know this one is sort of my fault, but I feel completely devastated. It’s been a month since he made his final choice, and I still feel like it’s the end of the world and I’m without a future.

  • Sophie86

    Insecurity led me to be in a relationship that I knew wasn’t right for me and when it ended I still acted like someone who had lost a great love, even though it never was. I liked the security of having someone that cared about me, someone to dedicate my time to, time that was never consumed through an interest or passion for anything else. I became the nice girl, running around, cooking, not making plans with friends, waiting for calls that never came and generally putting up with situations that warranted walking away from the relationship. When it then turned into a long distance thing I knew from the start that I didn’t, at the time, have it in me to feel secure about the situation or know how to create a good balance between the two of us. I pushed, and nagged and was never generally happy and I became weak in a game that I didn’t want to play but felt trapped in due to lack of self assurance. I didn’t value myself enough to walk away and be ok with my decision, not to care what he was doing, why he wasn’t calling, who he was with. Those things consumed me because I guess I felt that I had let me self fall for someone who wasn’t really worthy of me and I didn’t understand why they weren’t treating me very well. I allowed it though and have ended up being emotional and needy, two things I never set out to be.
    After a seemingly mutual break up where I couldn’t handle the constant selfishness and lack of consideration and he couldn’t bear my pressure to commit or nagging about the aforementioned selfishness, I have found it increasingly difficult to move on. I know deep down that the relationship isn’t right, that I can’t find a level of happiness with that person that I need/deserve but I can’t work out what it is about the situation/person that is consuming me. Your article has been a stepping stone for me to begin to figure this out. Thank you.

  • 2012Ready

    My ex bf and I broke up a year ago. He is still with the much younger female he allowed to come between us after 2 years of being together. Although I still deal with it at times, I finally had to accept that God or the Universe had me to go through this to give me the lessons that I needed. Most people that fall in love think the relationship is going to go somewhere NOT be a teaching tool or learning experience. So when it ends, the pain can be so deep felt that its nearly impossible to have a Ghandi like wise perspective about all of the lessons learned. But I have learned by example from many peoples lives this saying come true…..”Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone esle.” I say learn the lessons, your being prepared for the right person! 

  • Jen

    I am mourning the loss of a relationship that never was. I have been in love with a male coworker of mine for months now. When I got the courage to tell him how I feel he rebuffed me. It is extremely difficult for me to get over him when I see him every day. It may sound silly to some, but it feels just as agonizing as going through a breakup. The feelings of loss and depression, holding on to the good times and to what might have been.

  • http://howtocopewithbreakup.com/ Bert

    Good article.  May I add that in my own experiences w/c taught me a lot and most of the time were painful, breaking up a relationship is really hard because we were created to relate. Breaking up a love relationship is even more difficult since a lot has been invested by both parties to that relationship. The worst mistake is to think that you have the right to change the other person into your ideal partner. Our gift is our individuality. We all have our own unique contribution to life. We may have our own baggage we bring into the relationship, but that would all heal in time and in the process of interrelationship. WE major most of the time in the negatives, that we forget the great gifts each of us have. The best thing I learned in creating relationships be it to a friend or spouse is to make sure what my motivations are. Majority go into a relationship because the other person completes them or they get something from it. When the time comes that we do not get anything anymore, it starts to crumple and fall apart. Our real motive should be to GIVE. Each one giving and sharing his or her life to the other and vice-versa. That way we don’t bankrupt each other from our withdrawals. Instead, we continue to deposit value and love into that person until he or she is full to overflowing.
    Visit my blog at howtocopewithbreakup.com for more info and share your thoughts.

     

  • Roeclappsy

    There is nothing worse than breaking up with someone that you are still in love with.  I am on week three of my breakup.  I walked away from my man simply because he made poor choices in our relationship due to his weaknesses.  He loved me; but punished me for it.  He could not deal with his feelings.  I could not take his abuse any longer.  I miss him and I will always love him.  Sometimes you have to love yourself a little bit more and walk away.  They always come back when they know what they have lost.  I miss you sweet.  

  • Yangmsmai

    This is exactly how I feel about my breakup.. I’ve been trying to figure out how I ever let myself get this way..

  • Redmoreno

    OMG!! I read this and felt like this was me talking. I was with the love of my life for 5 years. We had our moments of course, 28 days was the most we were away from each other. I never ever thought it would ever end. And it did. I am in the most pain i have ever felt in my life. I eat soo much food, then i dont eat, i sleep too much, then i dont sleep. I drive around aimlessly after work not knowing what to do with myself. He wants to best friends… how?  I cant !!!! i miss him soo much and im having a very hard time dealing w this, and coming to a realization that we r over!!!!  That i will never have him in my life. I called drunk, begging for him to come back, i drink too much, and im a mess….. im wondering how ur doing? i see your post is 7 months ago.. would love to know ur progress please respond.

  • Juseche42

    Good stuff. If you face the truth and accept the hurt it is the beginning to the better days ahead.

  • Shiva

    I have broken up with the first love of my life. we were in love for 4 years and friends for 5 years… I even don’t know whether we broke up or not. because after a big fight, we haven’t seen or called each other and it has been about 22 days I haven’t heard anything about him.I tried hard to forget him and move on.But day after day i feel worse. Tonight I miss him so much…I miss kisses, hugs, laughs,…. I am begging him in my dreams to text me again.I can’t imagine my future with out him. We planned to get married and now everything is ruined.My whole dreams and 9 years of my life…

  • Renosioux

    Hi Sophie, very well put. How is it going a month later? Very much in a similar situation, I would love more insight.

  • mar

    While reading this I found myself openly weeping.  I recently split with a man i thought to be the love of my life.  It is odd because although it was a relationship that bordered on abusive, one which frequently left me feeling worthless and without hope, i still feel as if I am in a constant state of mourning.  We were together during five years that I can only describe as dark, a constant state of misery punctuated by a tiny life raft of good will, or a grandiose gesture of romance which i clung to in desperation in order to validate myself or justify staying….I am so sorry for writing all of this, i don’t know if there is any point to it, but I right now I feel I have nowhere to turn, as my family and friends (who are numerous and normally so loving and supportive) can’t bear to hear me talk about it, as they have all informed me that they were forced to bear witness to his abusive and cruel behavior for sooo long and i am not entitled to my feelings of grief and longing…feel more alone now than ever…..so ashamed as i have called him today several times and he has not picked up…I know he has moved on and I am trying be happy for him, i really am, but am so broken right now….anyways, going to make a list of all of the reasons being left by him was the bes thing that could have happend to me, which sounds childish but maybe can stop me from crying for a few minutes….

  • apricot

    Mar, it’s ok, it’s going to be ok. Of course you are entitled to your feelings, they are your feelings after all. Life has many challenges and this is one of them. One of the many, lol. No matter what, try to be kind to yourself and do kind things like smile at a stranger, they might need it more than we could know. It’s what I’m going to try to do. And by be kind to yourself what I was thinking was make sure you get out everyday and go for a walk (not into traffic! lol), try to make sure you eat some fresh fruit and add some fresh veggies to a salad or a pita. I woke up at two a.m. feeling so overwhelmed and so anxious about not making bills this month. I feel worthless all the time and sometimes I want to end it all but I think that would be an unforgivable thing to do to my children and to my mother and my sister. I don’t feel like a very good mother anymore, I certainly don’t feel valued or respected. I know I’m not a good daughter anymore because I constantly lash out at my mother, I can’t bear to hear her constant advice that I can’t make fit. And my sister’s ideas on what I must do to succeed feel out of reach. Still, I know they love me and they mean well and things won’t always be this hard because nothing stays the same. Just as the good comes and goes, so will the bad and we’re all in this together. I wish you much luck and much love and don’t forget, if you can rise above your sorrow, little by little and find your way back to glowing, ‘living well is the best revenge’ as they say. :)

  • http://exbackreport.com/how-to-get-over-a-break-up Devin

    “Even today, I can’t say that I have fully gotten over the relationship,
    but there are a few things that have been helpful to me in the process.”

    This is something more people need to understand: “It takes one second to say Hello, but it takes forever to say goodbye.” Some breakups leave impressions on us forever, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Find the positive in it rather than focusing on the negative and “i miss it” feelings.

  • courage100

    You have to let go and move on in order to save yourself.  It’s time for you to look within.  No one deserves to be abused.  That’s not what love is.  Cut him off.  Block his number.  Move on and save yourself.  Go back to the people who love you.  Rekindle your support system in your life.  Seek therapy for YOU.  This man is toxic and you will only find yourself alone if you keep him in your life.  Good luck.

  • Lil_miss_leeann1989

    its been nearly 3 months now since the break up things aint getting better. we were together 7 years. i broke it off. still love him with all my heart. feels like i have lost a whole other half of me and no one will ever fill the missing half.  my head keeps telling me to forget him and just get on with things but my heart wants him back do much he’s my soulmate. but things in our life just wheren’t goin the same way. the 2 of us were going in diffenrent  directions. still dont know wat to do!! we were at the best we had ever been in some ways but in others not so good.

  • izza24

    i am on the same situation. :(

  • Sherrilynnkaminsky

    It’s funny but not only are people brought into your life for reasons to see who you are or what your made of but so are words.  People in general go back into relationships that we know are not good for us because we haven’t gained enough information to leave yet.   I am 4 months broken up and although this is hard…he ended up sleeping with a friend of mine who he is currently still in a relationship with.  The lessons I have learned with not only the loves we bring into our lives but the the company we keep as friends in invaluable…

  • christo

    Hello everyone Doctor Messiah is indeed powerful! He was my last hope and after all the spellcasters I tried before, y were my last chance, and you kept your promise! My wife wrote me such a touching letter last week! She wants to live with me and the kids again! I really feel I m living again! Thank you for making all this possible  This messiah contact freemercytemple@yahoo.com can help anyone! 

  • Charlie

    Hi, I’m feeling the exact same thing.  We broke up a week ago and she is moving tomorrow out of our place.  You said it so perfect: I feel robbed, and the pain is so much.  The worst thing is that I’m all alone with no family or friends, and despair is setting in.  Trying to keep my head above water.  Thank you for writing this. At least I don’t feel like Im crazy… C

  • Greg R

    After much contemplation and ruminating about the good parts of the relationship, I have finally admitted to myself (I really always knew) that I began an emotional affair which led to a sexual affair while I was married. Even though my marriage was in shambles and divorce was inevitable, I still went down that road. The girlfriend in this for 7 years was just as guilty. We were both in vulnerable positions, since she was in a divorce proceeding. I guess the lesson here is that neither won of us healed from our marriages and just brought in the same baggage. Had we held the line and met a few more years later it migh have been different, but we were afraid to let each other go. Now the pain of the breakup is full blown for me since she broke it off. Oh, she made a decision to date. History repeating for her. I am choosing to make myself healthy here and dating is currently the last thing on my mind. I wouldn’t be fair to me or any knew women who came into my life at this time.

  • MC

    Wow. I love what you wrote about staying in the present. I frequently find myself analyzing the past or imagining the future, if things had worked out. It’s been 4 months and I don’t know why this breakup has been so hard on me. My previous relationship lasted over 7 years (this most recent one 2 1/2) and it was hard but I was ready to move on. I think maybe because I feel I’m still in love with the guy where before I had definitely fallen out of love. But am I in love with him still? Or am I in love with idea of getting married and starting a family? I ignored red flags that he wasn’t the ideal partner, yet when you love a person and know their true potential, one tends to be in denial. Ugh. I just need to realize I can’t change someone, can’t make them do things they don’t want to do, even though they’re fully capable. Even though the breakup was quite mutual…I still feel complete rejection. :(

  • TechNerd415

    I am currently going through a very tough heart break. We had gone through so much together, but as time went on and as our lives went different directions we parted ways. It was me that felt it should end. I was fine at first. Having fun, dating, everything. It wasn’t until I decided to open up to a friend that all of these emotions came to light. I had been bottling them in for so long and masking them with alcohol to feel better. All of my past relationships ended and quickly I was in another one. This time, I have decided to dig deep inside me and feel this pain for what it is. It hurts bad, but every day I embrace it and run toward the feelings opposed to running away I feel a little stronger. It’s nice to see others posting their experiences because it makes you realize what I feel is perfectly normal and that I haven’t had a love curse placed on me. ..(jk)  Thank you for your article. I hope we both heal soon.

  • Dee

    We broke up about 2 months ago (for the second or third time) after seven years together.  I initiated the breakup because I wasn’t getting the love or respect I deserved. He isn’t ready to commit, he wants his space and he wants to be happy.  I’ve given him his space to be all that. I know I did the right thing, but it hurts.  I thought I was over it by now, but today I saw him in the street and I wept for what I wanted and what I thought I had.

    I am sad and lonely but I believe it will pass.  I also believe that I have freed myself to be able to be loved by someone who will love me and respect me and value me.  But first I have to love, respect and value myself.  I know I would get over the hurt, neglect, disappointment and other negative feelings.  I’ve read some of the other posts and realised I’m not alone in this and I draw strength and hope from it.  I know I’ve already done something very brave by letting go; by no longer accepting someone’s bad behaviour under the guise of love.  He looks great.  Guess what, I owe it to myself to look great too, to maintain myself, to never let him see me looking the worse for wear.  I am stronger than I think.  This phase, long or short, will pass.

  • Terry

    Charlie I was in the same situation years ago but I was able to keep my head above water. If you don’t have friends, I’ll be one. Add me on yahoo messenger at fsujennyemj and we can talk about our broken hearts if you want to. I have also been robbed of my dream future. My boyfriend and I broke up just 3 days ago. It hurts so bad but I know this feeling is part of everything bigger. Something that we can’t see just yet. We will both feel better eventually. I am offering my friendship because I know how difficult it feels to “feel” alone. Keep breathing. 

  • Charlie Ruiz6

    Hi Terry, I’m not on yahoo but def would be great to keep in touch. Maybe email? Mine is elioccarletti2009@gmail  Be good to keep in touch.. Thanks for your words.. C

  • Christina

    I’m really glad I found this page. Feel as if I’m in the same situation as you have described. I have never ever wanted to end up this weak – “emotional”, “needy”, “too much pressure”‘ etc. Been in a three yr relationship on and off because of these issues… Can’t figure out what it is that I can’t let go off when it’s so clear in my head that we wouldn’t possible last…

  • Joel

    You have done something brave. You’ve also helped me put into words what I’ve been trying to for the last 2 months. I finally got the courage to leave her and ever since then I’ve been so angry with her and myself. Her for how she made me feel and me for letting it happen. I still have a long way to go but I’m letting go little by little and I think I’m nearly at the point where I’ll be able to forgive her. So be strong and believe in yourself, you aren’t alone.

  • mrex

    Rubbish

  • Terry

    hi charlie! how have you been? does everything feel better now?:) 

  • meandmybelle

    You have written about my relationship nearly verbatim, with the exception of the long distance aspect. When I met him I was strong, healthy, active, HAPPY. Very quickly I allowed myself to turn into someone I’m not and who I do not want to be. I, like you, can not put my finger on why I continue to grieve this relationship and beg for his attention. He didn’t give it to me when we were IN the relationship, so what makes me think he will give it to me OUT of the relationship? It doesn’t make sense, but I can’t find the disconnect….or maybe I just don’t want to acknowledge the disconnect because I am secure in living in my own misery right now. No more. This is my one life. My only life. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to live that happiness with someone who supports and nurtures it… And you all do, too.

  • grace

    i can relate much. :(

  • grace

    this is what i am exactly feeling right now. I think i need some help from you guys… :(

  • marie

    I wish the man who hurt me so badly will experience the way I am right now. There is nothing wrong with me. I give him everything. I deeply in love with him but he choose to break my heart!!!!!!!!! omg.

  • marie

    how to hurt back the man who broke my heart so badly??? I want him to suffer also. I want him to be miserable just I am right now??

  • http://www.nebraskalandmoving.com/ moving companies Lincoln NE

    Breaking up from any relationship is one of the hardest things that one can have. However, it is actually a normal part of growing up. One should learn from past mistakes and use these to mold a better future. I do believe that nothing is permanent in this life. We just have to enjoy the good things while they last and brave the bad things that may come our way. Moving on may be difficult but it is one way of saying that you love yourself.

  • Nicholas Heather

    I just ended a 6 year relationship with a woman who couldn’t commit, and ended up dumping me, having a fling with a boy she had in the back burner for years, and then decided she missed me after he left the scene. I got back together with her, and she lied about sleeping with him. After we’d been back together for a month she told me the truth I stayed with her to work things out. Well. It’s been a year and a half and I finally broke up with her. I gave her many chances but in the end, she betrayed me again (not with another man this time) the decision to end it was very difficult, and I’m scared, but I know I did the right thing. And even though I ended it, I’m hugely grieving. I would NEVER consider looking for a new love right now. I know I need to deal with m grief before I consider being with anyone else. And I would not treat anyone the way I was treated.
    Sometimes we break up because its the right thing to do, even if it hurts another. I’m glad I did what I did because I didn’t feel the need to be hurt anymore.

  • Guest

    Honestly, as a male self-conscious about emoting and dealing with his first break up, I just want to let you know how affirming it was for me to read “I should be over her by now.” It’s hasn’t been long enough for this to be real, but it really meant a lot to me that the author normalized this as something for everyone (including, in the case of that specific phrase, queer women).

  • D

    I just broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. Nothing was really going wrong but our current situation wasn’t good for our relationship. I’ve had mono for the past month and he’s been under stress looking for a job after he finishes school. He doesn’t know what he wants where he will be he’s under pressure to go a certain way in life but can’t decide, and my being sick really didn’t help the situation because I just wasn’t around for him. Though at the same time his school commitments and his stress kept him from being there for me. I feel like I’ve been cheated. If all of this didn’t culminate together then we probably wouldn’t have broken up. I feel like I lost something so great, that was just going through a rough patch and we weren’t in a place to deal with it. I feel so sad, and so mad at myself for the choices I made that brought us to this split and at him for not wanting to work at it. I can’t deal with the fact we are no longer together because I valued his company, I laughed so much with him and had so many first experiences. I feel like there’s an empty spot in my life only he can fill. I find myself thinking about him every second because of a certain song, color, shoe everything reminds me of him. moving on almost seems impossible.

  • http://www.facebook.com/raun.carswell Raun Carswell

    i’m going through a Break up right now. At first it was wonderful and we’d hug, laugh, be totally open with one another, but when i was with her after a while, i think we started to annoy each other and something felt missing. so i was the one to break it up, then i felt guilty and went back with her, i did this 3 times in a row, then on the 4th, we never went back. for a while it was fine, just her being there in a friendly manner, then she rented a place and moved out, that was when i started to get worried about her, then she got a new Boyfriend and then it really hit me hard :(. for Days and Days now, i’ve been thinking “that was the DUMBEST decision i have ever done and i want her back”. i’ve talked about it with friends and family and cried for about 4 or 5 nights in a row, yet the thought keeps coming back. i cannot let it go and realize that i may have done the right thing for HER because i came to a revelation. i DO love her but i know…or should know, we’re not meant to be (like that bit in the Corpse Bride where Emily said “I Love you Victor, but you’re not mine”). i wanted to share it because quite frankly, i bet it’s really annoying my Mum hearing me be sad about this and not coming to terms with it being “not meant to be”. i do wish i could turn back time so i never said it even the 1st time, but in truth, i did get annoyed and as of now i am seemingly forgetting and or neglecting the bad patches of the relationship that made us break up anyway.

  • EmJay

    You have absolutely nailed it for me. This is exactly how I feel in my relationship. How to snap out of and be able to distinguish a difference between hope and delusion.. We cannot blame people for who they are, we cannot change them but we can define what we want and who we are. Believing in an unhealthy relationship is only making us doubt in ourselves, making us be what we are not to please them and hoping they will reward us by being “different”. And that never comes..

  • http://www.facebook.com/donna.evans.7146 Donna Evans

    Life is a learning process and one way to deal with a break up is just instead of feeling so depressed and all, look on the positive side of things and learn love’s lesson. I also took a hot/cold shower and THAT really helped. Weird, but worked. Read about it here http://keeplovelasting.com/getting-over-breakup/13-02-19b .

  • DonnaEvans23

    Life is a learning process and one way to deal with a break up is just instead of feeling so depressed and all, look on the positive side of things and learn love’s lesson. I also took a hot/cold shower and THAT really helped. Weird, but worked. Read about it here http://keeplovelasting.com/getting-over-breakup/13-03-27c .

  • http://www.facebook.com/sonicmarina Marina Diaz Ibarra

    Oh my god! Thanks for this wonderful post! I broke up a year relationship with someone, I thougt, was the one. Dreamed to have kids with his eyes, to have a nice family together, to support each other for life. It turns that our age difference emerged (4 years) and he started to be more and more distant, taking unilateral decisions, not incTluding me in his plans…so I decided to let him go. Since then we have been in touch but I herd he’s dating someone. The pain is unbearable. At times Ii feel i cannpt breath…Is gonna get any better soon? I feel I lost my dream….

  • EllaValerie

    hi all. well today i just broke up with the boyfriend. an LDR relationship. everything was good. it was a mature relationship and we understood each other in a place of caring. until this morning i found out he cheated on me back in february and some flirting in march. more than feeling heartbroken, i feel relieved. i feel relieved i found out earlier… and now i’m getting picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting ready to begin a clean new peaceful life for ME. i cut all possible contacts with him. i feel this is the fastest way i can recover and move on. he is begging for me to talk to him. but i will not give him that satisfaction. i said my proper goodbye and that’s all he’s getting. i hope everybody who broke up with someone and left a comment here 2 months or 2 years ago are having a wonderful life now. keep on. we’re this awesome. :)

  • ilovedher

    thanks a lot. i just broke up with my gf. i loved her like hell. and she just left me without saying anything, just like the Beatles song “yesterday” and i am damn sad. she promised to be with me forever and yesterday, she just left. she wont answer my calls or reply to my text messages. i loved her dearly for 2 years. i still do. i am heartbroken. but this article was helpful. thanx a lot!

  • Mary

    I would love to move on and learn from my relationship but six months on I still feel unjustly treated angry and bitter. How can I learn from it and move on. The experience was so painful I don’t know what positive points there were. I continue to suffer and it continues to take my time and make me bitter. When will it end

  • Marc

    Forgive him.

  • Marc

    “…you can’t control a relationship.”

    Trying to control your boyfriend, your exes, the past, the future, etc. may be the root of your failed relationships and current suffering.

    In a happy and healthy relationship no one has control. The only control a person might have is on an unhappy and dysfunctional relationship.

    Let go of control.
    It is what it is.
    Accept what it is.
    Forgive him. Forgive yourself.
    Then choose to end the anger and hate.
    After that you will feel much better.

  • Mary

    Thanks for replying Mark, I think these feelings of grief are a process, we have to feel sad, resentful, angry when we lose someone we love. If we block out our true feelings and pretend we only feel forgiveness I think it could come back to bite us. You have to feel your own reality and no one can tell you what you should feel – as it cannot help.

    That’s very nice you have a happy and healthy relationship I had one for 9 years in the past, things come and go and change. You can’t control how long a relationship will last and what will happen everything is in constant change. I know I don’t control anything I am battered or blown about by events and disappointments like everyone in life. It is easy to say, accept, forgive and feel no anger in reality it is incredibly hard to do. These are human emotions and we are all human. When life is very disappointing and your dreams are shattered it can take a very long time to feel okay again – there is no quick fix cure all self help remedy – you have to feel the pain.

    It’s true eventually anger subsides and you forget whether you honestly forgive in terms of feeling it doesn’t matter how someone treated you and you don’t mind I cannot say – I think the truth is you no longer focus or obsess about it but the reality of what occurred is still the reality of what occurred.

  • marava123

    I recently well the ex and I recently broke-up a month ago. Everything was good except a coworker was being very nossy about our lifes. She kept insulting him of him being a liar for saying he would stay virgin till marriage. And I guess he didn’t like it. Then the next day he just said hey people are being rude to me so I think for now we should just be friends untill things cool down. He even said wait a few months and if we want to get back together then it will be good. But for now just be friends. Idk maybe that women ruined it. And yeah I know the rule to never date coworkers but hey my sister met herhusband at her job and the made it to 12 years.

  • Jahesh

    Right now, I am unfortunate enough to be the man you are describing. Though I never punished my love for anything, certainly not loving her, I did betray her trust which was difficult to build in the first place. But she trusted me completely, we had long term plans of marriage and family and travel. We were just short of a year anniversary and had just moved in together. Then her love and light revealed that one spot of darkness on my soul which I had not disclosed due to deep shame and guilt – I was suffering from an addiction. Due to her past, she has not been able to see beyond the problem I was suffering from to see me as the person she loved and cared for so deeply. She now believes our entire relationship was a lie, a fabrication. Despite my immediate admission of having a problem, and seeking help through counseling and church right away, she could not see me for who I truly am – she could only see that one spot of darkness. I am now without a place to live, but am staying strong to make positive changes in my life and reclaim the light in my soul that she knew so well. It hasn’t even been a week yet, but I hope that my strength and new attitude about my addiction will help me be the man she fell in love with. Here’s hoping that with some time, she will see that too, and the deep bond of love and caring that our souls shared, can be reestablished.

  • a

    I’m a girl of 26 who in six weeks time will finish with a 10 year relationship because of moving countries. It sucks and hurts so bad wish it was never going to happen its so painful. I cant stop crying i dont want to talk about my feelings with who i live with and i find myself getting angry alot so i workout alot to relieve the stress and to not think about it but it just hurts so bad and even worse when i think how fast the time is creeping up. Glad i am not alone with this but would not wish this on my worst enemy and its even worse when the people i live with have relationships of their own but know little of whats going on with me. I just want it to be over with the pain i mean but i know its not going to happen yet even worse i cant even bring myself to booking my one way ticket home or face the thought of getting on the plane.

  • simi

    I broke up with my boyfriend 2 months back because of his habit of telling lies, ignorance. I talked about this to him lot of times but he never improved. Finally I asked him to end this. He asked me once to stay and that too very casually. But I refused. First two months I coped up with the break up very nicely because of anger and pain. But since last few days I’m thinking about him, missing him. This feeling is killing me.
    Please help.

  • Alex

    Me and my girlfriend were together for 10 years but we both felt
    stagnant and unsure about the future together. Over the years I had made
    comments about wanting to move away from her as my family lived about 4
    hours away. We never really broke up because we both knew how much we
    both really cared for each other and felt like best friends that had
    great sex. She had started to tell me that she thinks we should take a
    break and at first I resisted this even though I agreed because I was
    fearful since she was my first real girlfriend. Anyway, the last time we
    saw each other (6 weeks ago) we had sex several times in one night and
    then again in the morning. When she left I kinda felt like that was it.
    We didn’t talk all week and then close to the weekend I called her and
    she said “the way you looked at me when I left made me think it was
    over”. She said it was kinda nice not having to talk throughout the week
    with each other but that we would see each other soon. I played it off
    like I agreed and didn’t contact her at all. The last thing she said to
    me was I love you. Three weeks passed and I was starting to feel better
    and then she calls me in the morning. I was on the phone at work and
    didn’t answer but then called her back later that night and she didn’t
    answer. That was 2 weeks ago. So I haven’t even spoken to her in over 5
    weeks and the pain seems to be getting worse. I want to call her so bad
    even though I know this is for the best. I feel like I’m going crazy and
    drinking too much and can’t think straight most of the time. I’ve been
    talking with other girls who are ready to start something with me but I
    kinda flake out because I just don’t feel right. My confidence is
    shot and I just feel weak. I feel like I’ve gone from an Alpha
    Male to a beta male in just a few short weeks. I was drunk last night
    and called her from a private number. Surprisingly she answered right
    away and I hung up. LOL. I am just in a dark place of confusion and
    needed to vent a little as I feel I don’t have anyone to talk to.

  • Jonathan

    I am actually dealing with a
    rejection and to make matters worse I’m being unable to follow the Noble Code
    of No Contact Rule hence the reason being the girl I asked out is
    actually my immediate supervisor and Manager at work.

    I have no possibility of taking her
    number out of my phone?

    We meet each other at work everyday
    in office?

    I removed her from facebook friend
    list but she made me add her back? (Emotional blackmail)

    I wanted some time out so I skipped
    work for a week but I’m not ready to leave my job so will report back this
    Monday.

    Even after the rejection she told me
    that we could remain as friends but last night I told her that I need space for
    myself and said that we should stop convos unless for any professional
    reason.(Think I made a good decision).

    I have also fallen into the hell
    hole via engaging in certain activities First and foremost I started Medicating
    with Cigarettes to resist the urge to stuff down feelings over the rejection.
    Skipped away meals and it turned into a habit. Suffered from a
    sleeping disorder I was severely distressed.

    Hmm atleast I had one good thing I
    was always in the gym hitting those mamoth weights.

    My feelings was never publicized I
    did not or rather did not know whether to cry or not over the rejection because
    it was an outright rejection and she had no feelings for me.

    My friends were all an emotional
    boost during the post rejection period. I had a tough situation to
    overcome with all these social media connections and text messaging on
    Whatsapp.

    But I gave it all a stop, I spoke to
    myself and concentrated on my inner voice which said that I have to get over
    it, yeh that’s what I’m doing now.
    going to church and every week and
    singing in the choir has certainly improved my situation.

    How can I overcome this by making a
    minimal contact with her in office?

  • Tracy

    I contacted priest gbenga at his website(www.priestgbengamagichome.webs.com) and he was eager to help me right away with my requests. He was very reliable always called and emailed throughout the process. He even gave me extra protection that I will always prosper. Thank you priest gbenga

    Tracy

  • the confused one

    its my 1st time writing in a blog on such stuff..i just broke up my 1st serious relationship of over 4 yrs…it had ups n downs but d more time was passing the more i felt we r not compatible for a number of things which i could never accept of her (like she’s very lazy to do all, very very disorganized, i have to be d one to organise any kind to go out, and more)..of course d worst came when she moved in with me 2 yrs ago nd things went rly bad.. our last 3 months were simple hell to say the least so after both of us thinking and sayin to break up etc, finally I did the step and she voluntarily left d same day.. NOWWW THIS IS MY QUESTION… its been just 2 days yes, and i miss her sooo much,i feel like vomiting, cannot sleep, eat..ok i go out meet friends, flirt with girls and chat, do sports…but still im dieing..d worst thing about this is that i know that if i tell her to come back, she will, and I’m nearly 100% sure that it will be a mistake and things wont change. On the other hand as this is my 1st serious relationship i hope I’m not doin a mistake and maybe exaggerating things :/ YES I’M VERY CONFUSED, HURT, LOST :( tks for reading, any kind of suggestion would help :)

  • nope

    its my 1st time writing in a blog on such stuff..i just broke up my 1st serious relationship of over 4 yrs…it had ups n downs but d more time was passing the more i felt we r not compatible for a number of things which i could never accept of her (like she’s very lazy to do all, very very disorganized, i have to be d one to organise any kind to go out, and more)..of course d worst came when she moved in with me 2 yrs ago nd things went rly bad.. our last 3 months were simple hell to say the least so after both of us thinking and sayin to break up etc, finally I did the step and she voluntarily left d same day.. NOWWW THIS IS MY QUESTION… its been just 2 days yes, and i miss her sooo much,i feel like vomiting, cannot sleep, eat..ok i go out meet friends, flirt with girls and chat, do sports…but still im dieing..d worst thing about this is that i know that if i tell her to come back, she will, and I’m nearly 100% sure that it will be a mistake and things wont change. On the other hand as this is my 1st serious relationship i hope I’m not doin a mistake and maybe exaggerating things :/ YES I’M VERY CONFUSED, HURT, LOST :( tks for reading, any kind of suggestion would help :)

  • drew_reid

    Just readiing everyone’s response makes me feel better about life it’s self. i’ve known my ex since we were freshman in college she had a boyfriend at the time and we were friends and sophomore yr he cheated and shortly after we starting dating. we’ve dated for two and half yrs and about three months it ended on a bad note. even though we’re trying to work it out i still feel like all hope is lost. for a guy like myself a hard worker going to school working, and playing sports it’s been tough and i still feel sad about but thanks to everyone sharing their experince about the relationships i think there’s better that is yet to come,

  • Anjou

    I got dumped a few hours ago and I feel that way too. I guess it’s something that comes with being the one getting dumped. I knew we were in a rough patch but there was that wistful thinking that we’ll get through it.

    It sucks, being the one asking for more time and having the other person reject that second chance. It sucks knowing that she actually left you for another man.

    The hardest part was all the good times you’ve spent together. She helped me through a terrible addiction, and she stayed with me when I was struggling through college. I’m trying really hard to push past the resentment and say goodbye without bitterness. It’s not easy.

    For everyone else reading this and in the same place that I am, don’t blame your ex. Thank them for the time together. You’ll get through this. And I will too.

  • Jackie Chan

    Yeaaah, you left the reasons for the break up out.

    Mutual can mean a variety of things.

    Don’t trust this at all……

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  • Blaze

    I am testifying on how Dr upesa help me to bring back my ex-husband who left me 2 months ago i got his email on the internet on an article how he had help so many people,so i emailed the Dr and tell my problems to him and after that day he gave me assurance of 4days,to my greatest surprise my husband came back to me in third day of contacting him,i want to say a very big thank you to upesalovetemple@gmail.com. for all his help..

  • crae

    i know this was a year ago but i am wondering how you are doing?

  • Meera

    I met Robert 8 years back. something clicked. but then he was so into other girls i moved on. i had a 2 years relationship with another guy, Alex. After alex n i broke up Robert contacted me. We went out for a day. It was greatest. But then again Robert was into other gals and i moved on. I ignored his calls for 5 years till recently we met by accident. Then we started dating. But his phone states that he is still into many other gals who like me think he is serious about him. most of the time he ignores my calls and doesnt even reply to my texts ever. Now i’ve decided to come out of this mess and forget him. but i find myself crying over him everyday…..why is this so? what do i do? what is wrong with me?

  • monica

    I dated a guy for about 5 months, I totally feel happy whenever i am with him. We got along great never fought but one night, i had much drink on me and then got a little jealous and then embarrassed him in front of his female friends, Because of that he broke up with me right there. For the first week i tried to do everything in my power to get him back but all were in veil. Till a friend introduce me to this great man called Dr.Sango of sangospelltemple@gmail.com I was surprise when Dr.Sango told me that my lover will come back to me within 3 days. But the good news is that my lover is really back to me now all thanks so much Contact Dr.Sango on sangospelltemple@gmail.com

  • Austin

    My girlfriend broke up with me last night and I do not know how to get past it. I know it is soon, but it does not feel right. We have such a great relationship. We never fight, we talk a lot and like all the same things. But I have an emotional issue… I lost my children in 04, and it hurts me I try and embrace the pain and stay in the now, but occasionally it comes out, in a big way. Well, this thanksgiving I went out to drink, alone… GF was at her grandpas and I just wanted to stay home this year. I ended up getting drunk, someone at the bar tried to knife me so I came home and started thinking of all the things I had no control over and the kids popped up. I spiraled down after that, emotionally stricken I destroyed a couch we have been meaning to dump. she was home and I told her I just needed to break something to let this energy go. I guess that night she realized she did not want me anymore… After 2 years I am heart broken, we have shared such a big love and I am so lost.

  • Honestly The Truth

    It is very hard for many of us men trying to find love and happiness again, especially after a divorce.

  • rebecca12

    DR OBOSIANZEN HELP ME GET MY EX BACK Thanks God i met Dr OBOSIANZEN to be my savior in my relationship Problem I was reading about an article in net stated that Dr OBOSIANZEN helping people improving marriage life and get there ex back so i request DR OBOSIANZEN to help me solve my problem because Actually i had break up with my boyfriend it has been 3 month due to someone we had misunderstanding with him but still i tried to contact him but he did not revert and neither responding back. i love him alot and he also our relationship was more than 2 years but all of a sudden why he is reacting like this i could not understand until Dr obosianze help me bring him back to me between 48hrs and things change better in my life , thanks to Dr obosianzen obosianzenspelltemple@hotmail.com , warm regards, Rebecca from United Kingdom

  • AW

    Well it is certainly tough after a break up to move on.

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  • ra

    hi everyone ,I had a very bad break up.my boyfriend of 6 years just dumped me just like dat ,he didn’t even give me a chance to talk. I feel awful

  • Kaykei

    Your story is exactly like mine. When I met him I was my own person. As soon as we got involved I became insecure, needy, clingy and weak. The relationship was so very unhealthy with him not wanting to really commit to a relationship, wanting his freedom, going out all the time, allowing girls to come between us on 2 different occasions and on and on and on. I broke it off with him 2 months ago because I couldn’t take being with someone who “loved me but wasn’t IN love with me”. But now I’m in so much pain and regretting my decision. I I just want him back. I miss so many things and they seem to make me forget the insecurity, pain, embarrassment and anger he caused me. I’m trying. I’ve scheduled time with a counselor. I’m trying to take care of me but all I do is drink away they hurt. I hope one day to move past this and learn to love myself without him again.

  • Frazer Kirkman

    After looking for songs to heal a broken heart, I found so many that just made me feel worse about it, or indecisive or attached to a relationship that hurts. This playlist is to keep me and you inspired and strong.

    https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk8ZAP1W9SNrkUpLA5fa6JXI1XQoILrqO