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Kaylee

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  • December 23, 2016 at 5:38 pm #123401
    Kaylee
    Participant

    “So following the relief, we think (don’t we?): ‘I got it! I understand now!’
    It has been an ongoing disappointment for me that after the I-got-it, I found myself not getting it, again and again”

    Yess! So, so frustrating. I can be very impatient with this process. If there’s anything in particular that helped you unlearn, I’d love to hear about it.

    And thank you so much for complimenting my writing! It’s funny, because it just reminds me of the limitations I place on my abilities–I’ve never considered myself a good writer. A therapist once suggested that I could write a book, but that self-doubt gets in the way. I also think that so many others have had it worse! Who in the world would want to read about my story? I think though, if I heal enough to become independent with the capability of having healthy relationships, I would definitely want to write about it with the hopes of helping others. For now, I’ll start with a travel blog.

    Thanks again!

    December 17, 2016 at 9:20 am #122935
    Kaylee
    Participant

    Anita:
    “No contact, in my experience, is necessary for healing.” Amen.

    “The healing process is extensive and long term, because the injuring was massive and repeated itself over a long time, with no one to notice or attend to the injured child.”
    Yeah… sometimes I feel good and even the body dysmorphia lifts, but I get so disappointed and upset when it all comes crashing back down. This acceptance is difficult, because I become so resentful! Not only did I trudge through the 9 circles of hell on my own as a child without developing NPD myself, but I will be fighting this for the rest of my life. Ugh.

    And that psychopath smile… stuff of nightmares. I’m sorry that this happened to you, too, it’s awful. Glad you’re NC and on the healing journey!

    Mimi:
    If you’re familiar with Pema Chodron, she speaks of the indifference people have and how heartbreaking that is. I thought, wow, that’s the word! This apathy, indifference and complacency that blinds others from caring is awful. Sometimes this can really make me lose faith in this world and in people. I have to remember that not everyone is like that.

    And yes, a narcissistic mothers greatest weapon is blame and shame. Intense feelings of shame for who you are and “what you’ve done” can eat a person alive. It was only though the help of group therapy that I realized I had even been abused and that it wasn’t my fault. I used to think, “If people knew what I’d done and who I was, would they kill me?” I was completely brainwashed and could have never broken out of this alone. When it finally clicked that it wasn’t my fault, I felt this joy and relief that I’d never felt in my life. Unfortunately, though, knowing that intellectually is not enough to release 18 years+ of childhood programming… but the realization is a start and I’m grateful for it. Thank you for what you’ve said!

    Cestdanielle:
    Yesss! People would keep telling me, “Stop saying you’re sorry!” And the silence permeated my personality. When I have bouts of clarity now, I’m more spontaneous, talkative, and everything is just lighter and easier! I hope I can have more of these moments.

    It helps to know that others understand, but I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced something similar–it truly is one of the most awful things. I hope that you’re no contact with your “family” and are loving yourself.

    Thank you everyone for your words and taking the time to read mine! It means a lot to me that someone would take the time. <3

    December 13, 2016 at 9:46 am #122601
    Kaylee
    Participant

    Hi Nautica,

    Thank you for your reply! I’m so sorry for your pain and dysfunctional support system. I’m also surprised that you’ve had survivalist desires too. I’ve never really talked about them and for a time didn’t know it was related to my situation or how to articulate it, but now I think they’ve definitely shaped my personality in a way.

    I actually have “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” on my bookshelf currently, along with a few others! Right now I’m reading “Waking The Tiger: Healing Trauma” by Peter Lavine and it’s pretty interesting. I’ll definitely read the McBride book next! “CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker is also a pretty insightful read if you’re interested.

    For exercise I like doing calisthenics. I go to a park nearby that has a pull-up bar and some nature. I also run a few laps and do some sprints to really get myself huffing and puffing.

    As far as video games go, I used to have a WoW addiction that started as a teenager living in that… awful household. I lost myself in the game and used to see it as a waste of time and a bad thing. I now see it as something that helped me get through really tough times without reaching for more destructive coping methods. Currently, however, I’d be worried that I would get lost in there again–although sometimes that’s all I want. I think I could try Tetris though. 😉

    Thanks again!

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