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Flatness and Circles

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  • #73539
    Christian
    Participant

    Hey you all on tiny buddha! Ive been trolling around on the internet for insight to my current situation, and finally decided to make the jump and post to see what the members here had to say, being that everyone seems to give pretty solid advice.

    I’m in a situation where I’m on the outer fringes of getting out of my most recent bout of depression, but I can’t break completely free in order to become completely “operational” so to speak. I still feel that slight mental gray scale when I look at the world and perceive things like people and relationships; it’s a bit off-putting and makes for a lack of passion that bothers me. It makes things like making connections/acquaintances and furthering my own mental dialogue unnecessarily hard, and kills my motivation. I’m also in the midst of trying to break out of my childhood home and start living on my own, so I have the feeling that shaking this off soon will be in my best interest. I yearn for meaningful experiences, purpose of some sort and a life of my own, and yet I bumble on making erratic decisions in a battle against time on society’s terms.

    -What kind of things should I try to break the mold? What kinds of people or things have helped you make pivotal life decisions? How?
    -What kind of exercises have helped you or the people around you to focus more on the long-term as opposed to being obsessed with current position in life and the immediate return of options available?
    -How does one incorporate passion and emotion into their life and relationships while keeping it genuine? Is there a better way than “fake it ’til you make it?”

    In advance, thank you. I await what kind of wisdom you will impart, and anything you have to say is welcome.

    -Gastronaut

    #73561
    Kath
    Participant

    Hey Gastronaut!
    I don’t know how much wisdom there is in what I have to say, and I’m not even sure whether I can answer all of your questions…
    But I’ve been in and out of depressions all of my life, the last years have been much easier and there are a few things I’ve learned:

    1. Passion & emotion are not there all the time, so don’t get afraid when they are missing – they’ll come back! I really get afraid when I recognise that conversations mean nothing to me, that I don’t care about anything in my life and am not motivated to do anything… I am afraid that I will lose what I have worked so hard for. But I have learned to accept it, and I know that I can take my time with myself and that I can go out again when I’m ready – there is no sense in forcing yourself.

    2.If you don’t have meaningful relationships yet, fake it til you make it is a very good advise 🙂 Another one is listening. Just listen, don’t judge, don’t think about yourself – just listen. The rest often follows. Look out for people who share the same experiences – it can be hard to connect with people who don’t get your depression at all…

    3. Exercise
    Maybe I’m lucky in having discipline, but I was not a sporty person at school. I started out of desperation and loneliness… Once your body gets used to it, it is the best you can do to fight downs. Maybe you linger in self-pity for a few days, but a trained body will get you going again and help you out of it. It makes you happy, proud, balanced, and also mentally stronger.

    4. Lower your expectations. (Acceptance)
    I read a study that depressed people often fail at little things. They get easily frustrated and take things personally… so they give up easily, they blame themselves and the world instead of just dealing with it the way it is.
    Things don’t work, things can be difficult, so I think its important to understand that even if something does not work right away its not necessarily a huge problem, and that there is usually some sort of solution for it, it might just take time and a bit more effort. This works for situations and electronical devices 🙂 as well as for relationships. They are never perfect, so don’t expect them to be, don’t expect yourself to be, and you’ll be much happier!

    5. Persistance
    It takes a long time to rewire your brain. As in 4. – don’t give up, even if there are bumps in the road! They are alla part of lifes rich tapestry 😉

    Good luck, I’m looking forward to what others have to write about this… :)))

    #73617
    Christian
    Participant

    Kath, your words are both helpful and inspiring, it means so much that you took the time to read and respond! Everything you said really resonated with me, but that 4th point got me right in the gut. I do tend to have high expectations (sometimes unnecessarily so) and I think it’s off-putting to other people as well as detrimental to me. In discerning between the good fights and the extraneous little skirmishes–is there some kind of rule of thumb that you know of? Something that I can use to force myself to back down when becoming frustrated/stubborn? I’ve been working on many of the other points, but as you said, rearranging one’s own psyche is trying of both patience and perseverance.

    Your compassion and willingness to help instills a hope in me, and your comment is more helpful than you know! Cheers, here’s to forging on 🙂

    -Gastronaut

    #73625
    Kath
    Participant

    😀 You’re forcing me to really dig deep…
    First of all I’m very happy that this is helpful to you.
    For the 4th point: Well, it is actually one of the things that are not easy and that can be very frustrating to learn 😀 I believe that it is very complex, and I still get very frustrated. But there might be a few things you can do, and they all kind of have to do with ZEN…

    1. See it as a ZEN-practice.
    You are in a crowded supermarket, people are stepping on your toes, your favorite food is gone and you once again have joined the longest cue. I used to get really upset in situations like these, but now I kind of make fun of it. I imagine I was a Super-Zen-Master, and this was an official test to see how calm and accepting I can be. (It’s a bit twisted, because you push your ego by being cooler than your surroundings, but it works well and puts you in a different place)

    2. Remind yourself that you are not alone.
    Some service person was very mean, some electronical device you bought doesn’t work and you will probably have to go to the store and they will still not be able to fix it and you don’t have a car anyway and it will never work and the best would be to die right away… This happens to everyone all day. You are not the only one. And you will have to deal with t like anyone else. Theres hope in this: Other people ho have gone through this can help you 🙂 And even if not: It’s not a big deal! It will not matter in 5 years!

    3. Acceptance.
    Yes, by buying something you might think it should work, but other than that life doesn’t come with a guarantee. For no one. And nobody can cantrol it. It’s no ones fault. Nobody does this to harm you. You can either stand before the bump in the road and curse roadworkers and trees and rain and… or you can accept that there is a bump in the road for whatever reason, and just get over it.

    4. Look into your feelings.
    Other people don’t do stuff to harm you. If you get frustrated at another person it is usually not because he or she has actually done something wrong, but because you feel misunderstood, or because they don’t fulfill your expectations. Look into this whenever you get frustrated/stubborn. What believes, what expectations from your side are behind this? This even counts if you are upset with yourself: What expectations do you have for yourself? (I should have worked this out by now, I should feel better, I should go out more, I am not good enough, bla bla bla)
    Here we get back to acceptance: You need to be patient and compassionate with yourself. And then you will automatically be with others. You are OK the way you are.

    5. Exercise
    You are stubborn & frustrated? Great! 🙂 That should make for an excellent workout! (After which you feel more balanced, calm, happy, strong.)

    I hope this will help a little 🙂

    #73679
    Christian
    Participant

    This is wonderful! You’ve helped me make connections in my head that I had never made previous. I feel that after some thought and trial, I will be able to enter a situation and look at it much more objectively by using the introspection and balance of Zen-practice. Once more, thank you so much for your guidance and the time that you’ve taken to listen and respond; I will refer to this conversation often so that I can internalize what you’ve said.

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