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Friend can't get over what her "boyfriend" did

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  • #110464
    Nayeli Castro
    Participant

    I’m writing this because I have a friend who has trouble very often with her “boyfriend” I put quotation marks around boyfriend because he hasn’t asked her back out for almost 2 years now, but they act like a couple. Everytime she comes to me with a problem, I give her advice and mainly tell her to leave him but she doesn’t listen. I’m running out of advice of what to say to her. So they had around 3 years together when he cheated on her with some girl from his church and she forgave him and then again he cheated on her with her bestfriend, he kissed her. He didn’t tell her but the bestfriend told her herself 2 months later. They broke up after that and had stopped talking but somehow they started talking again. Months later, they stopped talking so she met a new guy and was getting to know him around February 2016 this year. Her ex found out and was very upset and they argued even though they weren’t together for a while now. After that they began talking again but he hasn’t made it official since they broke up December 2014. Everytime he goes out she thinks he’s doing something bad and she constantly thinks he still talks to that girl from his church. She constantly checks on that girls ig, snapchat, etc. I told her to stop that because it’s not helping her. Last time they hung out he got mad bc she didn’t take her ID and they needed it to buy tickets to see a movie and he told her “I knew I should’ve stayed home” She’s always complaining that he never wants to hang out but he’s always with his friends. He’s very rude and disrespectful towards her always calling her names when they argue. Another thing he does when they argue is bring up that boy she was getting to know February of this year and try to make her feel bad about it tries to make her feel guilty when they were broken up even though he cheated on her twice before that. I tell her to not listen to him because it wasn’t cheating when they weren’t even together! Tonight she told me she just felt like crying and she deactivated her Facebook, Instagram and won’t be on snapchat for a while. I asked why and she said because one little thing her “bf” says makes her explode. I asked what he said and she said he told her he doesn’t like going out with her because when they do all she does is question him and make assumptions. She can’t seem to get over the past. I keep telling her to let him go but she just doesn’t listen. I don’t know what else to say to her I’m running out of advice. I keep repeating myself always bringing up that she doesn’t have to deal with him and can always leave him. She always says “it’s really hard we’ve been together for a long time” Please help what I could tell her to help open her eyes.

    #110471
    CM
    Participant

    i think the best way to deal with friends who constantly ignore your advice is to just let them go through their own emotions. You have given every advice you think is best for her, and yet she still chooses to ignore it. The only thing we can really do as friends is standby and let it happen, but just remind her that you will still be there even through all of this, because in the end she will learn whats best for her with or without others telling her. She will in the right time realise why you have been giving these advice, and if she values you as a friend then she will consider how this is affecting you as well.

    i hope this helps

    #110482
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ncOleee:

    Your last sentence is: “Please help what I could tell her to help open her eyes.”-

    Most people, I have found, close their eyes to what is in front of them. I did, for many years. This closing of the eyes, ignoring reality, is really, business as usual.

    You are doing it to: you are closing your eyes to the reality that you are wasting your time repeating to her the same old, same old input from you.

    So, open your eyes to your real options: if you choose to keep being her friend, you can ask her to not tell you about him, talk about other things. You can let her talk and say nothing. You can let her talk and give her a different input.

    When she says: ” “it’s really hard we’ve been together for a long time”, a different input would be: “Tell me what “really hard” is for you? How does it feel when you are not with him? Get her focus from what HE is doing, where he is and with whom to —> how she feels, what she is experiencing. And take it from there.

    anita

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