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Healing from a traumatic, toxic, on/off relationship…

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  • #146449
    erin
    Participant

    This is long, so thank you in advance to the folks who decide to stick it out and read the whole thing. I am looking for some perspective to my situation to maybe make dealing with this an easier process?

    I met my ex almost 3 years ago — I was 20 and he was 24. We spent the summer dating, going to music festivals, and hanging out and it was one of the happiest summers of my life. Even the most mundane things became an adventure and so many good times were shared. I had never fallen so head over heels with someone before, it was an instant spark and connection and I know we both felt it hard.

    That fall, i was going to study abroad in Europe and he went away to sea because he is in the navy and was in military school. We kept long distance communication and planned on seeing each other when both of us were back, and the way we communicated was very much like a couple in nature… I know at this point we were both really excited to see each other again and we were making plans for my spring break to see each other. He had one night when he was out at sea when he was in town and after 9 months of us knowing each other and talking to each other, he came to my dorm and we saw each other again and he told me he loved me. That night, he left and we were supposed to see each other in another several weeks.

    He called me one night and abruptly ended it, saying that he had been sleeping around. His parents were going through a divorce after his father cheating repeatedly on his mother for 30 years and he told me he was afraid of becoming his father and I didn’t deserve how he would treat me. He told me he had a random hookup a week after I left for Europe, and several more with prostitutes abroad. Fine, cool, we’re done, thanks for saving me heartache down the road. About a month later, he messaged me begging me to give him another chance, and that he was miserable without me and felt terrible pretending that I don’t exist. So we got back together that spring — me thinking hey, we were apart physically at the time, he might’ve been unsure about us, we were new, he had physical desires, etc, and we still could ease our way back into knowing each other. As angry as I was, I still loved him for who he was, and it was a hard time for him, and we’re all human and we get lost. I didn’t want to stay angry at someone I cared deeply about and wanted to have in my life — I feel like that’s a terrible way to live, if we just shut others out and don’t show them kindness when they need it most, especially when you really love them and don’t want them to hurt. And it seemed like he was really hurting.

    So he went away for maybe a month or so longer? And then he moved back. That summer had its ups and downs with us both back living in new york again and he dumped me in a hotel room after his military formal after a fight at the end of the summer. He was the class president and he was busy socializing on what he called the most important night of his life — i didn’t really know anyone at his school and felt kind of out of place and just spent the night drinking (which contributed to the emotions in the fight).

    Then we got back together again after several weeks of not talking. Please don’t call me stupid — I already know that I was. I just really cared about this person still, and I was willing to put the hurt away to bring back good times. Things were good, but then his grandfather died and he had to fly home to Atlanta for the funeral. The day he got back, I found out that he had cheated on me with his sister’s friend that weekend, after looking at his phone. She had texted him “I’m so sore after what you did to me that night” and he wrote back “i hope i wasn’t too rough on you” and it made me sick to my stomach. I asked him if anything else happened and he said no at first, but then confessed that he had cheated on me for a month, like maybe only weeks after we had gotten back together (the first time). This girl was on the ship that he was on while he was away, and he told me she didn’t mean to him what I meant to him. This was one of the girls at his military formal that he was socializing with in the summer. It was devastating, but he asked me to hear him out again and I did. I do think we still cared for each other and loved each other, oddly enough, I don’t know why I didn’t hate him at this point. I was so angry but I felt like if I cut him out I’d just be giving into bouts of anger, and I just thought that the best thing to do when people make mistakes is to show them compassion and forgiveness… I really did think love and being the better person and saying I forgive you, I love you, would show them a better path.

    He said that I changed his life with the way I treated him and I had so much love and attachment it blinded all my boundaries. So things were semi-good (or good as they can be, considering the messed up circumstances) for yet another run… I think he really was trying to be better, and he helped me do so many things I couldn’t have done without him that year — like move into my first new apartment after graduating, or being emotional support as I started my first job. He has always been my best friend, which sounds ridiculous as I’m typing it out, but it’s just when we’re together and just enjoying time together, things feel good and I was happy and I want to think those moments were genuine and real. I do think he was trying to figure things out and was trying really hard to make me happy. Things seemed like they were kind of starting to maybe get better, and I still had maybe a shred of hope that things could be for real this time.

    Then March of last year happened, when I got pregnant and had to get an abortion. The morning I found out I went by myself to get it done. I still think about it a year later, and I hate myself for letting myself become so careless to let something like that happen, when I always thought I was more responsible than that. He failed a class because of all the stress and attention that I was demanding of him, and then broke up with me in order to graduate and not fail out of school. He said he couldn’t take the sarcastic comments or my neediness or the petty fighting — and he was right. I hated how bitter, mean and suspicious I was a lot, and I didn’t want to give into those feelings at all and just continue to show love, but it was a constant battle with my emotions. I was constantly anxious worrying that he was back to his old ways, and so insecure about myself. These girls he cheated with were beautiful and sexy and fun and I felt so weird and annoying and dumb in comparison. And I never want to be the kind of girl who hates on other girls like that and projects anger and negativity onto them- the world is hard enough for women as it is , there’s no need for us to turn on each other.

    I spent this time making new friends, doing things for myself and trying really hard to just be my own person and be happy and I think I was really on my way and I was giving healing a real effort and trying to just forget him.

    After he graduated, he came back and told me he still loved me and never stopped, that all of that was in the past and that he would be trying his hardest to give me the love and commitment I deserve. He wrote me the longest letter saying that now that his finals were over, if I wanted to talk, he was here for me. He seemed very apologetic. There has been so much resentment from the past and from the things he did while we were apart, even though I know it’s not fair of me to get angry over things that he did when we were not together. That summer I let him back in — I was wary, but at this point, I figured, if he wasn’t feeling these things for real, wouldn’t he just leave me alone? It seemed like he really took some time to think about himself and I took some time for myself. It’s hard to put into words but I just didn’t want to shut him out, I guess it was selfish on my end too because I just had a lot of desire for him as well.

    After another several months I found out that he had exchanged numbers with a girl he met at a bar on while he was out with his guy friends, and there was some flirtation. She asked to add him on facebook, and he said he wanted to take things slow, and didn’t want to do that yet with her…. I think he didn’t want me to see him add her and have me ask who she was. He saved her number as a guy’s name in his phone so I wouldn’t suspect. I had asked him on Wednesday if he had met any girls or if anything like that went down, because the bar he went to is kind of known to be a hookup bar, and he told me over and over no. He has this way of behaving when he lies, so my instinct told me he wasn’t telling me the truth… I did something very wrong and looked at his phone again and found those messages, even though I thought we were past me going through his phone. I woke him up and asked him about it, trying to get him to come clean and it took him about 20 tries before he eventually came out with the truth, which angered me more.

    I also found out five months after it had happened that he slept with a girl during a party he threw while he went to visit home one weekend. He says he was blackout drunk and that he didn’t know why. This girl was his friend’s friend and both of them came from Atlanta to New York to visit him. He had to work one night so I told them I would hang out with them and that they were invited to chill with my friends. How does someone cheat on their girlfriend, and have that person come visit him and then introduce her to his girlfriend and leave them alone in a room to hang out and bond??

    At this point, months after everything, i feel like I’m just going through the actions of my life and I can’t stop stewing on it — if I saw someone else like this over a guy I would think they were insane. I don’t want to try anymore to get past this and heal, I just am this empty husk. I still hate myself for being so stupid to not know better and for thinking that love was enough, for being so immature and dumb. I hate myself for wasting my time, for taking back someone after cheating and crossing my boundaries so many times. I hate myself for becoming so insecure and suspicious and for doing ridiculous things like snooping through phones. I’m not trying to play the victim here; I just want to stop feeling so depressed. I feel worthless and dumb and depressed and anxious every day. I know this was so wrong and so toxic, but somehow, I still care about him and I’m still so attached. How did I let one person have so much hold over my emotion? My self-esteem is completely wrecked and I don’t even know where to begin to take the steps to feel good again. I’ve lost all my motivation and will and general happiness and just don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I just want to let this go, but I don’t know how, after the insanity of getting back together a million and one times. This is bleeding into every aspect of my life, my friends don’t really want to be around me anymore because I’m so out of it. Why can’t he just leave me alone? I didn’t used to be like this. I can’t go back to who I used to be before I met him, I used to be so easygoing and cheerful and now I’m just bitter. I’ve tried meeting new people but it’s impossible for me to trust anyone or give them any kind of chance and I immediately close off to others. Even reading everything I just typed makes me feel so anxious and terrible. How did I let myself become this gradual and unrecognizable mess of insecurities and anxiety? And why do I still long for his love?

    #146507
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear erin:

    You wrote: “Please don’t call me stupid — I already know that I was.”- I am not calling you stupid because I don’t believe you are or that you were, not as in not being intelligent or observant. I will explain: the love you saw on his part toward you was real, from my understanding of your story. The sincerity you heard in his voice when he confessed about his cheating, wanting to not hurt you- was real. He was not/ is not a cold, manipulative man who fooled you.

    You were correct: he did need your love, love is what can heal him, so you loved him best you could.

    Now is the chance of increasing your wisdom: the fact that he loved you/ loves you is not enough to make him change his cheating behavior; neither is your love for him enough to make him change that behavior.

    The problem causing him to sleep around predated you by a long time, many years. It is the lack of love he received in his childhood home that injured him and he keeps bleeding from that injury. Nothing short of healing from this injury-over-time will help him. Such healing is possible in competent psychotherapy where he will be doing a lot of work and go through a lot of distress in the process, becoming more and more aware of what he has been trying to not be aware.

    You cannot heal him.

    All you can do is protect yourself from a person who cannot be trusted to be in a monogamous relationship. Doesn’t matter his reasons, the behavior itself, the cheating, hurt you nonetheless and understandably so.

    You ended your post with: “How did I let myself become this gradual and unrecognizable mess of insecurities and anxiety? And why do I still long for his love?”- because we people do long for love, and when we get attached to a person, we keep longing for love from the object of our attachment.

    You let yourself become a mess, as you put it, because you correctly observed that he loved you; you took his love in, you loved him in return, but you didn’t see the bigger picture: his cheating stems from before he met you and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, not now, not in the future.

    Your thoughts/ feelings?

    anita

    #146547
    erin
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your reply. I have turned to several for advice on this, and your response has brought me the most peace and kindness thus far.

    There were many times in this relationship when in the peak of my anger I would ask myself how I would want to be treated if I were the one I loved; if I were him, what would be the kind of treatment I craved and looked for. Maybe this is why it hurts so much, because we have such different moral standards from each other? I felt strong when returning to that space of forgiveness for a while, but somewhere there was a turning point where all that I was left with was anger and uncertainty that I was doing the right thing. I’m afraid that I have changed for the worse from this experience. I can’t help but internalize the feeling that this was my fault, if I had only been a different way, he would have loved me in the way that I needed to be loved. I’ve turned into one of the meanest people I know, and my immediate reaction towards almost all other people is one of negativity.  I am afraid that I pushed myself to the limit in terms of the kind of love I can give to people without feeling as though it should be reciprocated. In short — while I want to protect myself, I’ve become jaded, bitter, and antagonistic and don’t know how to tap into the emotions that  made me who I used to be anymore.  This makes me so frightened and lost.

    #146575
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear erin:

    I re-read some of your original post just now, looking for the information, didn’t find it: how long ago was the breakup and is it the final breakup? Is it possible that this is an off before an on of this “on/off relationship”? And is he still pursuing you?

    I think that your emotional attachment to him has been so strong that you chose to forgive him every time, to push down your anger and show him love and compassion. Maybe what is happening now is that it is sinking in that this is over and all that anger you pushed down during the relationship is storming out of you.

    Only your anger is turned at you, not at him. I think it is because, as you wrote, you are still, present tense, very attached to him.

    It is a good idea for you to attend competent psychotherapy. This relationship has such an affect and effect on you, like you wrote: “This is bleeding into every aspect of my life”-  you need help to heal from this.

    Maybe if you get angry at him, for cheating on you, for hurting you as he did, then you will stop being angry at yourself and at others.

    Waiting for your answer (first paragraph). Can you explain also, the anger issue- where is the anger at him and is it possible that anger is misdirected at yourself, sort of you protecting the object of your attachment and blaming yourself?

    anita

     

    #146865
    erin
    Participant

    anita,

    Thank you for your response. It’s almost been two months now. He is not trying to pursue me anymore. I have no idea what the future holds. I’m not really sure how I feel and whether or not I can prevent my feelings from clouding what I know is true, whatever feelings they are. I definitely am so angry at him for hurting me like this, and at myself for still thinking about it. When I found out, I was hysterical, throwing his things and physically trying to fight him. I waver between anger and sympathy for him when all I want is to feel nothing at all. And I have anger at myself for letting this affect me so deeply. I am angry at the injustice that he gets to move on and be with someone new, while I’m left here picking up all the pieces of the mess he made. I am angry that he finds it so easy to pick up and move on with his life when I’m trying and I can’t. I resent him just for being him and I’m angry at myself for feeling that way about another human being. I have certainly developed an inferiority complex. Here was someone who everyone says is genuine and kind and a great catch, so in my head, I feel like it must have been something about me that provoke him to cheat and to lie. I really don’t think that he would do this to anyone else or ever again, so the triggering factor must have been me. And then at the same time, I have to tell myself it’s not true, and every day is a constant battle between these thoughts. It’s mental torture day after day.

    #146875
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Erin,

     

    First of all, don’t blame yourself or call yourself stupid. We let ourselves go into our emotions, acting irrationally, and putting love on top of everything. However, unfortunately love is not enough and we learn it the hard way in life.

    The only thing you have to do right now is focus on you. Take good care of yourself. Learn how to love yourself, how to make you feel good. This is a great path to healing. Meditate, Exercise as it releases endorphins and will make you feel good, accomplished. Once you start doing these things, life will start flowing back again. The focus should be all on you 🙂 I promise you will be fine, and a better, experienced, mature and confident person 🙂

    #146923
    Donna
    Participant

    Hi Erin, I’m commenting because I have been where you are & learned from it. I went through years of this with a guy I thought was the love of my life, best friend, soulmate. There are so many similarities. In my situation there was more beyond the cheating & deceitfulness, such as being taken advantage of financially. I don’t know if what I figured out applies to you & your ex, since I don’t know if there’s more to the story, but look up Narcissistic abuse. I was shocked when I learned about this, how much my ex fit the descriptions, almost completely. There’s a sense of entitlement & lack of remorse or guilt. And I don’t know if you’re anything like me, but I had figured out years ago, before I even met him, that I had abandonment issues from childhood. Once I learned about Narcissist abuse, I also learned that Narcissists & people with abandonment issues are often attracted to each other because they sort of “fit” together. Of course, this comes out painful for the one with the abandonment problem. I also learned & realized that he will never be any different. And though there may have been some genuine feeling or love he felt, he probably stayed with me so much because I put up with it. Also, don’t blame yourself for behaviors like looking at his phone. When I first started doing things like that I felt horrible, I had never done anything like that in any relationship before. But then my sister & friends said, are you kidding?!, I would have been doing that & more way before that! I’m not condoning that type of behavior, but I’m saying it’s a natural reaction when someone breaks your trust. What he did was a huge violation. That is his fault, not yours. My ex used to make me feel bad about being suspicious or asking questions or checking up on things. He acted like it was me who had the problem! But at least I knew better because I’d been in enough long term relationships already to know I wasn’t usually like that. Yes, after experiencing someone like this you will have trust issues, but that just means you need to look for someone who is decent enough to care about building trust with you. Don’t feel bad about going back & forth, forgiving, having attachment, or still missing him – that is all natural. You developed feelings for him & loved him. He was the one who did hurtful things, betrayed you, & destroyed the trust in the relationship. You are only reacting to his callous behaviors. However, the only thing that helped me was to keep myself away from him. I finally ended the relationship. I gave in & talked/texted with him for a few weeks afterward & even saw him a few times, but finally I was able to start ignoring texts, block him (which I thought was mean at first until a friend said that I was treating him better than myself because I was more worried about being mean to him than taking care of myself – & they were right – so I blocked him), & I moved on with my life. No, it was definitely not easy. It hurt a lot. But grieving is normal & after a while you get used to that hurt feeling just being there, knowing it will disappear little by little over time. Just get as much support as you can while grieving – talk to as many friends as you can or find support groups, whatever you have to do. I hope something I’ve said helps. I truly understand what you’ve gone through.

    #146985
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear erin:

    You are welcome.

    Over time, you are likely to feel less and less until there is only a dull pain, or maybe no feeling at all. Only the memory of what happened. If you learn from this experience all that you can, you will stop being angry at yourself. I wish that the sympathy you sometimes feel for him, that you will feel it for yourself, for you have suffered and are still suffering, and it is not you who cheated- so empathy for yourself, please. Direct your anger at the perpetrator (of cheating and lying) and away from the victim.

    You wrote: “Here was someone who everyone says is genuine and kind and a great catch”- often, what “everyone says” is not true. Often, everyone is wrong.

    And therefore, your conclusion that “it must have been something about me that provoke him to cheat and to lie” is incorrect, being based on the wrong information

    The correct information is: he is not genuine, kind and definitely not “a great catch”.

    I challenge your conclusion: “I really don’t think that he would do this to anyone else or ever again”- from your sharing, it reads to me very likely that he will.

    You wrote: “every day is a constant battle between these thoughts. It’s mental torture day after day.”- this is why I think competent psychotherapy will be helpful to you, short term may be helpful enough!

    Hope you post again.

    anita

    #147093
    erin
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita, so much. It’s this support that is so vital to the process I think… I try to tell myself these things over and over as affirmations — even if I don’t necessarily believe them to be true at the time, if I consciously get into the habit of repeating these thoughts in my head then I hope they will eventually sink in. It’s frustrating because I’ve tried to time after time repeatedly for two years  to just “snap out of it” and to wake up to the chaos that I’ve been living in. After one point you just accept that chaos and pain to be the norm, for his truths to be THE truth, and if I try to be anything else I feel like I’m living a lie.

    Thank you, cath — I can feel your kindness and care through your words and it’s having a positive effect on me. 🙂  I am certainly trying to find activities that put me into a flow state and to feel more like me. It has been  the moments when anger rises up inside of me like an unexpected tidal wave at even the slightest triggers that frighten me — I think I just need to trust in these feelings as a process and not fight them.

    To your point, Donna, I did wonder many times about the narcissistic personality thing. And he most certainly had some narcissistic tendencies (but don’t we all?). It was actually very interesting to meet his father, because while his father had done some terrible things to hurt my ex and his family, I still found myself liking him and drawn to the charismatic nature of his behavior. It truly makes me wonder what is going on here, and as someone who still genuinely cares for my ex and his mental state, I suspect this talk about narcissistic personality stems most likely from his upbringing and what he was taught about love and partnership. I do hope he can heal from that pain.

    I hear your suggestion about psychotherapy and have considered it often, to get to the root of why I let this happen for so long. I talked to several sources at different times, but I think I was looking for some kind of diagnosed cure-all and answers of enlightenment from professionals — when unfortunately it doesn’t work that way and you have to really just work through it.

    #147105
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear erin:

    You are welcome!

    The affirmations you tell yourself, the reason you don’t “necessarily believe them to be true” is that they probably conflict with your core beliefs. Can you state here a couple of affirmations you most hope will “sink in” over time?

    You wrote that you tried to “snap out of it” and failed at it. Clearly, it doesn’t work, most likely: impossible to work .

    You wrote:  “After one point you just accept that chaos and pain to be the norm, for his truths to be THE truth, and if I try to be anything else I feel like I’m living a lie.”-

    I am wondering if this experience with the ex has something to do with your experience as a child (most often it is the case). My question: can you share about your childhood home, your relationship with your parents then and now?

    anita

    #147107
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t submit properly…

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