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How to recover from this devastating breakup?

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This topic contains 0 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Avatar of Matt Matt 12 months ago.

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  • #41814
    Avatar of mariposa
    mariposa
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    I’m 28, and up until last year I had self-esteem issues ( from abusive parents) and a history of dating abusive men and having toxic friends. After landing my dream job working at Google, I went to therapy and decided to love and take care of myself. 2 months ago, I started dating a nice guy and we connected over the fact that we both were emotionally damaged and strived for a better life. The thing is it didn’t feel right. He’s 36, a recovering alcoholic, lives with 4 roommates cause he’s working to pay off a 30,000$ debt. After our 1st date, he asked me to meet his mom and within 2 weeks, he told me he loved me. Things were moving way too fast so I broke it off. Also I had just gotten out of a long term relationship and I needed time to heal because I didn’t want the new guy to become a rebound. I struggled with feelings for my ex and I told him I was considering getting back together with my ex.
    He was devastated, but understanding. I didn’t want to be selfish so I told him he shouldn’t wait for me to become emotionally strong – that he should live his life.

    2 weeks later, I realized I missed him terribly and decided to take a leap of faith. He already started dating another girl to move on from me and told me he liked her. He told him I had hurt him and he thought I was going back to my ex and he couldn’t be my boyfriend anymore, that he wanted us to stay friends and if the universe allows it, we’ll be reunited but he wanted to pursue his other relationship. I admitted that I couldn’t be just friends with him because I love him and he told me he loved me too, but had to let me go. I was devastated and angry so I told him he never loved me cause he got over me so quickly and didn’t want to make an effort to be with me. He got mad too. I wished him the best and left. This morning, he removed me from his social networks. I don’t understand how someone who goes from calling you their soul mate and hoping you’ll be their future wife can forget you so quickly and erase you. I am heartbroken and inconsolable.

    #41822
    Avatar of Matt
    Matt
    Participant

    Mariposa,

    I’m glad you’re on the road to recovery from a difficult past. Consider that the time you spent in unhealthy patterns was long (27 years?) and the healing is perhaps still happening. Did you happen to speak about possible codependency in therapy? There are some great books out there if you haven’t already read them.

    One of my teachers said jovially “If a codependent and an addict were in a crowded baseball game on opposite sides in the stands, they will somehow meet each other by the third inning, be in love by the fourth, and married by the seventh.” I think you dodged a bullet in slowing down and stepping back. Especially considering that he proffered his love two weeks before having moved on to a new woman. Consider that perhaps instead of moving to a place of self nurturing (which is the needed healing for both addiction and codependency) your ex is now just “love hopping”. Said differently, the sparkle of newness in a connection might have replaced his other object of addiction. That type of connection bursts with fire initially and becomes stale and icky quickly.

    How are your patterns of self nurturing coming along? Do you have gentle time to yourself where you do nice things for you? Have you maintained some momentum on your hobbies? Consider what you might be experiencing is withdrawal from the drama of connecting to an addict. Movies and books talk about love at first sight, and they do us a great injustice. Passion and sexual attraction can happen immediately, but genuine lasting love takes more time than you had together before it arises. You hardly knew each other! I mean this respectfully, but as you are inconsolable, perhaps a reality check will be helpful.

    Congrats on working at Google. It sounds as though you’re really moving your life in a positive direction! Keep the momentum!

    With warmth,
    Matt

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