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Is this a toxic friendship?

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  • #146489
    Carolyn
    Participant

    I’ve been friends with someone for 15 years.  I want to end the friendship because it is not good for me.  I consider this person my best friend but when I am with them I don’t make good choices.  I’ve been rationalizing by telling myself that it is not their fault that I make bad choices while they are around I am free to make my own decisions.  This person is not making me drink or use drugs. The thing is  I am more likely to do these things with this person.  We never just hang out and do good productive things.  Every time we are together it involves some kind of mind altering substance.  I want to end the friendship for this reason.  I really love this person but I find the relationship is not good for my own personal growth.  I don’t know how to break things off.  I don’t know if I am being selfish.  I don’t know what I should do.  I don’t want to drink and do drugs anymore.

    #146509
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Carolyn:

    You make very good sense: you don’t want to drink and do drugs and being in his company promotes you drinking and taking drugs (“I am more likely to do these things when with this person”).

    You are not being selfish- to take care of yourself is your job, your responsibility. It is something you are supposed to be doing. Every plant and animal is designed to take care of itself- grow toward the sun, gather food, and so on.

    Explain to him the reason for the breakup as you explained it here so well. This is what is right for you.

    anita

    #146799
    Windy Day
    Participant

    Hi Carolyn, I never post on this forum, but I felt compelled to respond to your post because I feel like I am in a very similar situation. I have a very close friend with whom I am having this kind of problem. All the same things–the person is very dear to me. I feel that when we are around each other I am compelled to drink. Not only this, but sometimes I feel that this person gives me advice that is not good for me. Instead of encouraging me to be my best moral self, even when my inclinations are not the best, this person supports me in my negativity instead of giving me the slap-in-the-face I need. BUT, I am a grown person, and I cannot blame this person for MY decisions, whether I choose to drink, etc.

    As for a solution, you don’t necessarily have to flat out END the friendship. Because this person IS your friend! right? Well, before you do anything drastic at least, you could try just straight up communicating your feelings. Tell this person that you want to spend time together without getting intoxicated. You can refuse to drink or do drugs, even if your friend chooses to. Be strong!

    Another thing is, maybe spend less time with the person. Get busy. Make yourself less available. If your friend wants to get together, tell them you have some things going on and can’t today…

    My last thought is that maybe this person needs you. Maybe they need you to set the example for THEM to stop drinking and doing drugs. Maybe you are a step ahead, and instead of letting go of the friendship, it can be a way for both of you to grow.

    But if it is really toxic and bringing you down, by all means, step back from it, and do let it go. These are just some thoughts. Hope they help.

    Peace

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