Life dealt me cards I have no use for - I never asked for this

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 11 months ago by undercity.

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May 24, 2015 at 9:48 am #77174
Kundi
Participant
Hi people.

I would like to receive some ideas and comments about my horrible situation in life. It’s a long ordeal but I try to keep it simple. First I’m going to express my problem as briefly as I can and then to be more elaborate what are my concerns. Here we go.

I’m 29 year old bisexual non-binary (gender) guy.

That is a massive problem.

I hate myself.

Nobody knows about my issues, mainly because nobody would ever guess tha I am what I described above. I guess some folks would consider me as a dream son-in-law. I’m educated, funny, nice looking and in terms of jobs and career I have promising future.

But if they would only know…

I am lost and I don’t know what to do. I have lost plenty of precious things during last 3 years in my life, namely my 5 year relationship with my ex girlfriend. She ended our relationship and left me because she found a new man.

It is like impossible get over it. As pathetic it is but my past haunts me because it was so much better than what I have now – my life was better in every way.

These five years were so great, emotionally, physically and sexually.

Of course we had problems which I only realised when she left me without giving me any reasons. It has been easy to blame myself for that. I’ve reached a conlcusion that she exchanged me to somebody normal.

Silly thing is that I already think that it would have been better for my life not to have that relationship and those beautiful years.

Understanding what once was amplifies the pain in the present.

Since the breakup the most dominating feeling I’ve had has been the thought of my life being basically ”over”. This has continued for years now. When I think about myself I find it extremely if not impossible to ever encounter a girl who would accept me the way I am and who would share the same chemistry as I did with my ex. Maybe my thoughts are distorted but it feels like reality into which I just must adapt and accept.

Soon I’m going to hit my 30s and I’m depressed and unwilling to continue. Predominately I feel I’ve seen already everything.

I am seeking professional help and plan to start a long therapy in the autumn.

Any thoughts?

“For there are brighter sides to life
and I should know because I’ve seen them
but not very often”
- This topic was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Kundi.
May 24, 2015 at 12:01 pm #77180

Danyth
Participant

Dear anomalia,

I’m new here but I want to share my thoughts with you 🙂

First of all I’d like to share my belief that we’re all abnormal. It worries you so much to think of yourself as ‘other’ (you even express that in the username you’ve chosen!), it seems like it is shaking your core, but please know that ‘normal’ does not exist. That is what makes us so unique and I think that is something we should try to appreciate. Life would be terribly boring otherwise!

You say that you would be the ‘ideal son in law’ and you state nice things about you but you don’t sound as if you believed that these characteristics of yours are worth anything. Other people may define you through your education, your looks etc. and that’s fine, but as long as you don’t value that, it’s not really worth much. I’m not trying to say that you need to change your attitude though. I rather think it may be essential for you to find something that gives your life meaning. Something through which you can define yourself, and positively so. For me, that is teaching. I’m in a teacher training programme at my Uni because I feel that I may be able to change a few students’ lives for the better, and that is what keeps me going through harsh times.

Luckily for myself I haven’t had any experiences being that unhappy with myself, therefore I can’t give you much advice on whether there’s anything you could change about yourself to minimise this self hatred you’re talking about. You sound like you were accusing yourself for being bisexual. I guess sexuality isn’t something one can consciously change (or can you?) but I don’t think you need to change. You sound like a nice person, you care for yourself and you want to experience better times again. Believe me, you will once you’ve come to accept yourself for the lovely person you surely are 🙂

May 24, 2015 at 9:07 pm #77194

AmelieNR
Participant

I know everything feels very hard right now, but it is temporary. It will pass in due time. Everyone has suffered before. Everyone has survived some of the worst emotional pain. And so will you. And you will be stronger, more refined, and have greater wisdom for it. When you come to the realization that your relationship ended because you are meant for someone and something so much better, you will be able to take the lesson your previous relationship was intended to teach you, and use it to make yourself a better person.

Look forward to old age, because it will be the time when you can look back on your life and see why everything happened the way it did, and how it is all interconnected. Like getting to the end of a book, you will get to see your full journey, and look in awe at how far you had come.

Hang in there. Everything will be alright.

May 26, 2015 at 4:34 am #77257
Kundi
Participant
Look forward to old age, because it will be the time when you can look back on your life and see why everything happened the way it did, and how it is all interconnected.

Indeed it would be nice to know that in the end, in the course of 30 or 40 years from now, this all would have a certain meaning. That there would be a reason for it that once I was brought to this world I was made the way I am. Currently it all feels like a burden, a weight I’m not able to carry. I only need to look to the world and it is easy to grasp that most of the people, religions and cultures don’t really accept me. Indirectly the world is sending me a message that I’m wrong. It is nothing that is smothered to your face first thing in the morning. It is realization that eats you up from the inside consuming you slowly but surely.

That is what makes us so unique and I think that is something we should try to appreciate. Life would be terribly boring otherwise!

I understand your point but comments like this usually make me feel like I want to scream. I don’t want to ridicule you or invalidate what you said. Thing is that it raises emotions inside me that it is really easy for “normal” people like you to say like that. Think about it this way. Imagine that you are a nice person with interesting thoughts, great sense of humor and people genuinely like you wherever you go. Add to this that although you seem to be like rest of the people you are not. Imagine that you find attractive candidates for relationships but you know that if you would show them how you really are these people would quite quickly run away from you?

If I’m dating someone I must stop it to protect myself. Unfortunately there is diminishing amount of people with whom I could really form a emotional-sexual relationship and it is because they would not want me the way I am.

On the outside I’m just a normal guy. I dress, act and live like any other guy would. But this is only the public “facade”, although it is also true, I’m not faking anything.

But in the private I’m different. My gender expression is different. I like to dress in women’s clothes sometimes and also feel feminine. But I’m not a woman and I’m not a man. I’m in between, sort of androgyneous person. My masculinity and femininity fluctuate. I have both sides and neither. This also affects my sexual tastes and preferences but this is not the forum to be more elaborate about it.

It is probably impossible to explain to people whose gender identity is normal?

And to make things crazier I’m still fully guy when I’m at job, with friends or in public and this is the way I prefer it.

I guess I’m quite brave person in a way but I can’t endure any more heartbreaks if I get rejected because I’m a “weirdo” and not a traditional man. Man like me with my qualities is not usually considered sexy or attractive by average women.

Sad but true.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Kundi.
May 30, 2015 at 8:37 am #77501

Anonymous
Guest

Dear anomalia:
Yes, I agree with you, being different in the ways that you are, given the social, religious, cultural rules will makes LOTS of people turn away from you, me included. If I was single, that is.. and close to your age etc. It is also true that lots of men would not be interested in me (if I was single etc.) for whatever reasons. So although your situation is indeed unique and maybe more interesting and attention-grabbing by the average person… you don’t OWN the experience of being rejected. The good news for me and for you is that well… I need only ONE person to accept me. Ah… the relief, only one. One at a time anyway. That is way MORE than none.

It is interesting to read what annoyed you in another’s answer, that a “normal” person tells you it is okay to be abnormal. I was annoyed at another’s comments to you: “I know everything feels very hard right now, but it is temporary. It will pass in due time.” I hate it, hate it when someone predicts the future for me, like how the hell do YOU know that this will pass in due time? How do you KNOW? Who are YOU to know???”

Both the people with whom words we are annoyed with meant very well I am almost sure. My annoyance is about someone else being arrogant enough to know the future- that smugness with predicting the future is annoying to me when I am so very insecure about the future. Maybe it makes me envious when someone else seems to be certain…

Your annoyance has to do with…? Being envious at people without gender social- unacceptability?

There is always the reality of me annoying another and being annoyed with another, often because of jumping to conclusions or making assumptions that are not even real or meaningful objectively. We are triggered and trigger others…

I digress. If you are reading this, what do you think, anomalia?
anita

May 30, 2015 at 9:06 am #77505

undercity
Participant

I think that’s probably how I felt when me and my ex broke up many years ago now – that I had been left so that he could live ‘a normal life’ without me in it (seeing as I so obviously make everything weird and I’m not normal, etc.) What you are experiencing is shame, and it’s very difficult to get rid of.

I also felt that I had been happier many years ago than now but the reason was I was determined to make myself unhappy – to punish myself for being a weirdo.

I understand it is difficult for you because of cultural norms, and that this poses an extra challenge, but what I remind myself of is “there are other people like me, I am not the only one”.

Ask yourself: Would you judge another based on cultural norms? If not, there are other people just like you who would not judge another for this reason.

Ask yourself: Are you compassionate towards others regarding their feelings, their suffering and their experiences? Do you choose not to judge but to accept? If the answer is yes: It is simply impossible that you are unique in this world, there are other people just like you.

If you met your carbon copy in real life, would you hate them? Would you judge them? If not, there are other people just like you and if you want to spend your life with anyone, you want to hold out to find someone just like you.

May 30, 2015 at 9:11 am #77506

undercity
Participant

BTW: My shame is about mental health problems that I felt I had never asked for and felt it was incredibly unfair that despite all my better intentions I was still prone to feeling unhappy or anxious and that I didn’t deserve to have those problems (I felt that it made me de facto unacceptable to have mental health problems and that I would be looked down on for having them, rather than being a ‘normal’, ‘not damaged’ person). If you’re telling yourself all this bollocks, you’re really just punishing yourself for no reason. It is true that no one is normal. I make it my mission nowadays to notice all of the ways that everybody else in the world is insecure, has occasionally distorted thinking, gets unnecessarily emotional or overreacts (I am yet to meet anyone who this is not true for now and again and I have also realised I do not do it more often than they do – i.e. I am totally normal. The only time I behave in ways that is less ‘of the norm’ is when I am stuck in a pattern of screaming at myself for not being normal).

You may be of a mixed gender identification, but have you considered how common this is? You are not alone, there are many people like you, and anyway, is that ALL of your identity? Is ALL of your identity connected to whether you like trousers or skirts and whether that changes? Or do you like tennis and rock music? And do you like watching soaps, or perhaps you prefer thrillers? There is more to you than one little thing and people see you as a whole person not as one trait (and they may not judge that trait the way you expect them to).
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