Home→Forums→Relationships→My boyfriend cheated on me – how can I heal?
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Matt.
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September 10, 2014 at 11:41 am #64710
LindaParticipantI just found out that my boyfriend cheated on me about a year ago – twice with the same girl within a short period of time.
I remember that point in our relationship very clearly because we had not been doing well at all. I am not justifying what he did because cheating is never okay in my book – but I can say that I do understand what/how he was feeling at the time. For the first year of our relationship (we have now been together for close to 2 1/2 years) he was not doing well financially, among other things, and was in a deep depression. I like to give freely and so I gave him all the support that he needed. Eventually that grew into resentment because both of our energy was being focused on him and I began to feel neglected. The resentment turned into bitterness that I am still fighting to overcome. It caused a lot of arguments, tension, and emptiness in our relationship. He has improved tremendously – both in the way he handles his life as well as in the effort he puts in to meeting my physical and emotional needs.
While our relationship still has its downs we have both committed ourselves to giving it everything we have. But I still find myself having a hard time letting go of the bitterness that manifested itself in the first year of our relationship. And now I also have to deal with the emotional trauma of finding out he cheated on me. That revelation did not change my love for him whatsoever. We both talked about it and have decided to move on and give this relationship everything we have because we both love each other deeply.
But how? How can I both let go of the resentment/bitterness/residual anger and also let go of the pain and betrayal of his infidelity? I am aching in a whole new way right now. I want to make this work more than anything. Can anyone give me some advice on how to let go of the past? I do not want our past experiences to continue to play a part in my perspective of this relationship that I value so much.
I want to just be. Be happy. Be positive. Be loving. I don’t want this taint on my relationship any longer.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
September 10, 2014 at 3:36 pm #64726
MattParticipantLinda,
Healing such a bruise to the relationship takes time, and trust regrows slowly, usually. The rule of thumb I offer (without knowing more of your backgrounds) is for every lash a thousand kisses. Don’t go into the bathroom, and try to shake off the mistrust alone, rather bear your mistrust courageously, openly, and offer him a chance to shower you in his heartfelt honesty. Back rubs, foot rubs, poems, songs, flowers, ask him to take his heartfelt creativity and tenderness and slowly, patiently work out the knot of mistrust.
As he does, try not to fault him his imperfections, and instead try to receive him with the intention of his gift in mind. Like, even if he buys the wrong kind of flowers, rubs too hard, or sings out of key, if he’s doing his best to love and honor you, let him, open to his unique style. 🙂
That being said, also don’t use it to your personal advantage, such as “making him pay for his crimes” or “boyfriend prison”, rather let it be just the natural path of healing for broken trust. Try not to cling to thoughts and feelings of “what is he doing now? Who is he with?” and so forth, but let it be known when they arise like “yep, here’s some more” to keep him in the loop as to what is happening on your side. Hopefully, usually, his heart will naturally move him to comfort you, offer tenderness into your hurt. Said differently, if you two can embark on this journey hand in hand with courageous communication, love will do the rest.
With warmth,
Matt -
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