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narcissism in mother.

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This topic contains 14 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of anita anita 1 day, 20 hours ago.

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  • #145285
    Profile photo of wildoceanflower
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Ive been through a break up with my boyfriend that really broke me, i moved back with my parents..supposedly for a while but now after a stupid argument i moved back to my place because my mom was being very difficult with me. I dont have a working fridge at the moment in my place and i had hoped to rent my place out so i could make some money..while staying with them. I suggested it a few times with no real response, i just get the impression they dont want to help to that extent, to that extent that i will be independant because the money will cover a lot! The problem is..my parents dont communicate with me until they are really angry about something, then there are explosions of passive aggression all over the place. They pretend everything is fine until its not. I totally understand the pressure i put on them must be a strain but i feel they default back to child-parent roles without really trying to see me as an adult. They will then counteract that saying i should be more mature which is an easy answer. I guess of course they dont see me as an adult, since i didnt marry someone and have children.

    My job makes me enough money to survive..and i mean, just barely. So i rely on my parents for quite a lot, i dont live in an easy place to find better employment. My boyfriend used to be there for me but he moved on recently and i havent been in touch since. I dont have other options apart from this, my friends are in a similar boat, its fairly normal where i live but my parents grew up in a very different time and place when making money was easier and they did well…i think they cant believe that i cant do the same. its like they are blind to reality sometimes. My mom said she thought i was very priviledged and it enfuriated me…she has had a very good life, very protected by my father but for me, in reality without their help i would really be poor. Maybe they are ashamed?

    My mother is a difficult personality, she needs a lot of attention, very combatent, expects my dad to do a lot for her and complains a lot about him in return, she bullies everyone in the family and he puts up with it as well as defends her. She is very argumentative both with us as a family and with general people.(not to their face, but complains about everyone)..she seems to find fault with so many details. It is enfuriating and unfair but there has been no change and in her older age she is only getting worse.  I actually worry about it because my dad just accepts it and never talks back…she has been very rude sometimes to me and to him. If you are not listening to her she acts up…she gets easily irritated and is maudlin about death, focussing always on problems and politics.  I always thought that she was depressive but she will deny that strongly. They also like that i am around as they dont have a social life, so i provide an outlet in some way and they are going to rely more and more on me.

    I feel bad for airing this but i am SO fed up with being the brunt of all the problems regardless of what they are. It makes me miss my boyfriend more as i had some escape through him.

    How can i overcome this mountain of problems i wonder. I have to be so brave sometimes but i cant be endlessly brave..

     

     

     

     

     

    #145299
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    I would like to read your new thread with a ..fresh brain I hope to have tomorrow morning. Will reply then (about ten hours from now). Hope someone else will reply by then.

    anita

    #145325
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    I have more understanding now, I believe, following reading this thread, than I had before; more of an understanding of your mindset and life so far:

    Your life has been moving between two “solutions”- living under the distressing dominance of your parents (mother’s dominance and her submissive husband) OR finding a man to live with.

    Finding a man to live with has been the only other way. It was either Parents OR man.

    Any child/ adult child will be distressed living with your mother. Living with her and being emotionally healthy is not possible. Therefore, living with her is not a solution. It is a problem.

    Which brings me to a solution I brought up to you before, knowing less than I do now. Now, I feel stronger than before about this being the solution: move away, far, far away from the town where you live, far away from your mother/ parents. It must be no  longer mother OR man. Life must not be anymore in-between these two options. There must be a third option.

    anita

    #145343
    Profile photo of wildoceanflower
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    you have to wonder what will happen next right? what a mess my life is, my head is in total turmoil again so i know it sounds garbled.

    I feel i must stay really still not to upset the universe since everything i do is turning it upside down. I was turning to the starsigns for help, mine said stay patient and dont react to people’s bad temper…well i did.

    Talking of starsigns…a fair few of them all said a relationship from my past would come back around…it has left me now in a limbo of hope, i am struggling enormously with coming to terms and forgiving..as i said that build up of anxiety..i want to be able to forgive…and not cry!

    I have lived alone before and i do now, i don’t thrive on it though, i feel isolated and lonely. If things didnt go so wrong all the time i wouldn’t be falling back on my parents for help. I need to find additional work or a different job, i guess that is the 3rd option. but taking the step is difficult..i am worried its the wrong one. I guess i need to sit still for awhile.

    Moving away is not possible in the immediate future but dependant on work options available to me. As i said before, i dont have much trust or faith that i can do better. I need to heal first and stop being hit emotionally all the time. If it means blocking everyone out then thats what i have to do.

     

    #145379
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    I don’t like you being in a “limbo of hope” over that ex boyfriend…!

    You wrote: “If it (healing) means blocking everyone out then that’s what I have to do”- what do you mean by “blocking”- you mean having no contact with your parents? Moving far, far away if it becomes possible for you?

    anita

     

    #145453
    Profile photo of wildoceanflower
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I think i mean blocking people’s bad energy..i seem to get tangled up in other people’s mess and before i know it, i get blamed for the fallout. I wish there was a way i could just take a break but enjoy the time out without feeling lonely.

    I still feel panicky and start crying when i think about what i have lost. I have of course thought about contacting my ex. but im too afraid he will tell me he is really happy in his new life.

    Starsigns can be a comfort, of course i have been turning to them for some answers. It has something if you choose to believe it. Both positive and negative factors are there but there were quite a few that resonated with what was happening. I just want to believe that my life can be ok, im not hoping to be a millionaire or to have a better car than anyone..i just want to be ok.

    It seems like i am looking in every direction and dropping the ball all the time, getting things wrong repeatedly. It is so frustrating.

    Does this sound like narcissism to you? i feel like my mom gets jealous of the attention on me when things are down..then gets nasty and picks on me. She seems competitive with me and my sister and has never fully accepted the boyfriends we had..there always “must” be something wrong. She expects the worst and often puts a strain on the relationship through her manipulation. Alternatively maybe she feels i am not recovering quickly enough and her defense is to kick me for how helpless she feels about my situation? whatever it is, she made it much worse!

     

    #145461
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    If you put your efforts in “blocking people’s bad energy” while in the presence of the people, specifically your mother, you will fail again and again. The only way to not be affected by such bad energy is to not communicate with the source of that energy.

    Lets look at the main source of bad energy in your life, your mother:

    “My mom said she thought i was very priviledged and it enfuriated me”- in all your threads here, there is no indication of you being privileged at all. I can understand it infuriating you. You automatically felt infuriated, meaning, it was not possible for you to not feel infuriated (to … block her energy).

    “(She is) very combatant… she bullies everyone… very argumentative… seems to find fault with so many details. It is infuriating ….she has been very rude sometimes to me… she acts up… she gets easily irritated and is mauldlin about death..”

    Well, wildoceanflower: with all due respect to your … energy blocking powers, it is impossible to block her behavior from affecting you negatively, especially since you were exposed to those behaviors from an early age.

    * My comments and questions on: “she has had a very good life, very protected by my father but for me, in reality without their help i would really be poor. Maybe they are ashamed?”

    1. From your description of her behaviors, she did not have a good life. She may have a working refrigerator while you do not (you shared about the latter), but that does not make her life good or very good.

    2. She was “very protected by (your) father”- protected from what? And if she was very protected by him, why does she keep complaining about her protector?

    3. Without their help, you wrote, you would be very poor. Would that be more miserable than you currently are?

    4. “Maybe they are ashamed” of themselves, you mean?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 22 hours ago by Profile photo of anita anita.
    #145585
    Profile photo of wildoceanflower
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I didnt really want it to be a mother issue but it seems typical. i realised some time ago that my ex and her shared some very similar good and bad traits. For some, putting up with his negative comments would have been unacceptable, the way he would twist something against me…but to me i just laughed it off and i realise my self respect sensors are all wrong, i didnt react the right way because i didnt understand where it was going..perhaps because of my upbringing.

    My mom is always turning things to be about her, i reckon that shows some narcissism..and i have read a few posts and webpages about it which all clicks. Its very manipulative..not obvious at first to others but relentless undermining my choices and decisions. She wont stand being told and she has rarely apologised. If she does..she will find something else to get mad about with you. Both her AND my ex have a longstanding fued with a sister and wont talk to them. Ive tried to get both to snap out but its impossible. Both feel and say that OTHER people are controlling them rather than the obvious reality.

    She is protected by my father, because they are of a different generation where men do a lot more for their wife but my dad is overly so..he does most of the chores and handles everything. My dad was never close with us kids…quite the opposite but he dotes on my mom which can be quite nauseating. I think they work well together but he has to put up with a lot of criticism and i dont think it is such a healthy relationship.

    Could i handle being poorer? I don’t think so. Money does matter. I am used to a certain life level but i dont want to be rich, i want to be able to afford a holiday now and then and buy good food. Right now i am worried i wont make it to the end of the month, that is a horrible reality for a lot of people and i dont even have kids, i cant afford them!

    #145589
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    When I suggested your mother didn’t have a good life, I didn’t mean materially. When I wrote that you weren’t privileged (unlike what your mother said), I didn’t mean materially. I figured your mother being as unpleasant as she is to everyone, that didn’t come from a good life. She probably didn’t grow up in a loving home.

    You wrote: “Money does matter”- well, to buy food and shelter, yes. But when a child grows up in an unloving, abusive home, money does not matter. Not when a child and not when graduating into life of dysfunction and further suffering. No, money then does not matter.

    If I went back in time and was given the choice to live a rich life with my mother OR live in a tent under a bridge with a loving mother instead, I would choose the tent under a bridge. The choice would be immediate. And I mean it, a tent. In winter. My imaginary loving mother and I would manage, a thick blanket, we would sleep close to each other and keep warm.

    anita

    #145743
    Profile photo of wildoceanflower
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think most people have some issue with their parents. The problem is when you have not been able to fully be yourself and like yourself and enjoy success as an adult. I have never felt it. I have struggled financially, socially all the way and relationships have come and gone..i suppose, because those men eventually wanted me to be stronger than i was, less emotional, take care of them and i couldnt. I always had the sneaking feeling that they didnt really like me, i used to say it to my previous ex ” you don´t like me, you like the idea of me” I guess after 2 or more years they work out im a lot more dull than they thought..it was one of the things my ex accused me of. On the other hand my intense sense of loyalty sometimes overrides all other feelings and things had not been good for a long time. I wasnt happy either, but I just wanted to try more, i never imagined breaking up..he couldnt be bothered because he saw something else. What a modern situation..there is no reason for a guy to stay if he gets bored…even if there are kids they move on because they see something shiny across the street, regardless. Its why i dont have kids in the first place, i wanted someone committed..and never found one.

    My mother´s life works for her, in a vaccum..with just her and my dad they are fine, they can do everything together and not feel its too much time together. There is no way i could imagine them divorcing. I don´t think other couples find them normal though, they seem fairly obnoxious sometimes it grates…this is an ideal of relationship that me and my sister will never obtain (or want to) and we are made to feel bad because of it. My ex needed some time to himself, with his friends every now and then..and that was ok with me…my parents found it strange..and suspect, because they dont go on holiday without each other. But the more i looked around the more i thought, they are the exception here, not the other way round.

    For me, i don´t choose rich or poor living. …but just ok, safe, warm, enough to eat, friends…and enough love. I have enough life experience to tell me that many rich people are lonely, distrustful and taken advantage of, poor people are happier in general but also a closed knit that keep each other in place or down…being in the middle is true freedom, especially for women, just not wanting for things but not needing a fancy car or big mansion. Love isnt the answer to everything, balance is.

    Its such a hard thing to find that most people only get to savour moments of it. I really feel like ive had my best now, this was my last chance and it fell apart like the others did. Maybe it was my fault, maybe women are actually meant to make everything ok and i failed at it. so the starsigns give me some small fantasy hope but really i know, there is no fairytale,..he´s not going to come running back and say he´s sorry and we were meant to be and bring me a bunch of roses. I guess its not for me. I know a lot of women get it and get doted on but i dont.

     

     

    #145777
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    You wrote: “this is an ideal of relationship that me and my sister will never obtain (or want to) and we are made to feel bad because of it”- you are referring to your parents’ marriage as “an ideal relationship”?

    My goodness, wildoceanflower, if you were referring to your parents’ marriage as ideal, having read about that marriage in your original post… I better wait for your answer, if indeed you referred to the marriage between your parents as ideal?

    anita

     

    #146053
    Profile photo of wildoceanflower
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    It feels like that writing about this doesnt help. I just reveal more problems.

    I have had more hardships lately and it feels constantly and more so that i am being tortured by life. Dramatic maybe but i just can´t get a break from it. When i try to help myself i am beaten down. I am now frightened to choose a direction it is that bad.

    It has made me feel venomous towards my ex. i felt like threatening him, i felt like hurting him. he dumped me in this, he left me and said i should feel sorry for his current girlfriend because “she had been through so much”. Who chooses someone as a life partner out of pity?  and then i remember, i asked him to be my boyfriend to protect me from other advances…it was the same, he never had to try and never would bother. He often gave more to a stranger than he did to his own family.. some say that is a Gemini trait. I am still struggling to forgive!

    I certainly don´t see my parents relationship as ideal, but i know they do. They see our modern relationships as doomed from the start because of so many factors and every failed relationship cements the doom further. No, i don´t want what they have.

    I just want to feel comfortable being alone but i experience it as a frightening and humiliating experience, i guess the tension must be on my face all the time.

    #146111
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    I sure hope something good happens in your life. I am glad you clarified my puzzlement regarding the “ideal relationship” comment.

    I was wondering for a while, about your user name, wild ocean flower- the name caught my eye a long time ago, what does it mean to you?

    anita

    #146167
    Profile photo of wildoceanflower
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your continued support at this time. It is hard for me to accept what i have in life, i am so angry about so many things. My friends talk about their kids problems, i see young families all the time, couples on holiday, they are so normal and natural, they dont seem to be challenged by life…i wonder what purpose i have to be wandering around so out of sync.

    I think i wanted something to visualise in my head that is peaceful and nice, wildflowers and ocean, i live in an area with both so its a good spiritual name. Small things count and sometimes you have to unwittingly put them in your path everyday to make things better, thus a reminder of a nicer place.

    #146197
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    I like it, liked it from the first time I noticed: wild ocean flower: it suggested to me a calm ocean (and since you mentioned before that you live in a place frequented by tourists, I thought there is the ocean where you live); flowers are beautiful and “wild” suggested something wild, untamed about you.

    What you want is something “peaceful and nice”-

    Reminds me of my neighbor Betty. Did I tell you about my neighbor? I think she too wants something “peaceful and nice”- and you think she got it. After all, she lives in a huge house, 3-4 stories, on top of a hill, with an unbelievable view of the valley, trees around, birds, deer. Her huge property is perfectly manicured with … Flowers, like in your username.

    She is married for many years to a very accommodating man and she has grown children. She traveled the world. She has enough money coming in every month for the rest of her life, as guaranteed as can be. She is not looking for a job, not planning to. She keeps busy volunteering in a library and working on those flowers.

    Peaceful-and-nice, wouldn’t you say?

    Yet she is crazy with anxiety, from morning on until she exhausts herself in the late afternoon. When she goes to bed at night, after being exhausted, she sleeps, only she wakes up, anxious, in the middle of the night and it is too dark to go tend those flowers. She waits until daylight and rushes into the huge yard, keeping the flowers perfect, pulling out weeds. She often injures herself rushing, as her movements are rushed, not mindful. She misplaced a vertebrae  in her spine and twisted an ankle recently.

    If you see her in the afternoon, when exhausted and calm, living in that beautiful house in that gorgeous setting, you will think: this is the life I want to have!

    And this is what you see when you view people “on holiday, they are so normal and natural, they dont seem to be challenged by life”- like Betty in the late afternoons.

    anita

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