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Not myself, unable to let go

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  • #138999
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    I have been through a rollercoaster recently with my ex boyfriend…i feel like i need him more than ever despite all the awful things he has said and done. After a confusing few days he told me he has a new girlfriend he has been seeing a while (1 month) and within the space of a week he said she wanted to move in and loved him, now he says she is moving in and he loves her!! i cant believe its happening, its like all my worst nightmares but the very worst would be if she got pregnant and then forced a marriage.

    My ex is highly egotistical, selfish and demanding….how can i still want him so much? He told me several red flag things about this new woman that makes me worry for her, not for me…she has a young child of 11, not much money, sounds emotionally needy…the child factor keeps bothering me…my ex has hurt me so badly that i cant imagine what would happen if kids are involved.

    How can i explain that i felt we worked well together? He wanted to be able to go do his thing, i let him..he encouraged me..we had the most amazing chemistry, we liked a lot of things together but in the end he felt i had neglected him lately and not been social enough which was true. My dream was to have a child together and live together..it always felt like we almost had it.

    Im embarrassed at how i pleaded with him not to jump into another relationship, i begged him….i see now that this could have driven him to her instead.

    Im unable to stop the train of thoughts in my head, whirling round and round, no sleep, no rest..i have to walk and walk all the time otherwise i have to numb my brain but i end up exhausted. I cant bear to think of him with someone else, he once said he couldnt stand the thought of someone with me, he still said it would be difficult but it seems he has come to terms with it.

    I have also talked to everyone….my parents want me to cut all contact and say he is dangerous…on the last call with him he said everything i didnt want to hear…we were supposed to meet for dinner the next day and i had been putting a lot of importance on it.  Instead he told me he had decided she was moving in now, in fact she was packing as we spoke…and now he said he loved her, there was nothing i could do so i should just be happy for him. He had made a room for the little boy. There was no sympathy, he just said he was sorry i felt so bad but that perhaps we shouldnt meet. I hung up in the end when i couldnt hear anymore of his arguing…i had to stop. He had already cheated on her with me…it just all sounded so wrong.

    Now i have blocked his phone, but he lives near enough that i might see him around…i would die if i saw her with him, living my life, living in his house. It just hurts so much i cant see any future for myself..the area i live in is touristy..all guys here see women as throwaway and practically all the women i know are single moms! i avoided having kids because i wanted to have a dad for them…now its too late for me.

    I feel irrational, panicky, desperate and stupid…its like im a teenage girl but i cant stop… I do everything alone, all my friends are busy with children, i have none. I feel so humiliated and lonely. He was always outgoing, invited to lots of parties but for me i dont have that kind of social group, this girl jumped on him at a party and that was it…straight away, they slept in the same bed that night and now shes moving in..i cant believe that is good.

    Im sorry if my writing seems erratic, its because i just feel i am not myself…i keep asking everyone for advice, in case what i am thinking is wrong..i know i pushed too hard and i became obsessive, too much texting looking for answers he wouldnt give, could it have ever turned around or is it just the worst toxic relationship? How do i get over him when i just see us together?

     

     

     

     

    #139001
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    You wrote that you “feel irrational, panicky, desperate and stupid”- and reads to me that you feel these things because you behave these ways, that you mentioned.

    How can we not act stupidly when we are irrational, panicky and desperate?!

    And how can I possibly change these things for you. I can’t, but you can. To think and act rationally, you have to stop panicking, and stop being desperate. Then your brain will be calm enough to be rational.

    The woman who is moving on with him is acting “irrational, panicky, desperate and stupid” as well. Only worse, since she is having her son move into this stranger (to her) man’s home.

    There is no way around it: you have to stop panicking. Find a way, then post again, will you?

    anita

    #139047
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I feel like it is going to take such a long time before that happens…i had to take a couple of days off work i was crying so much. Ive never had this kind of reaction before but it also hasnt meant so much. By this age i wanted to be together with someone…not cruising for the next partner! it seems to me that i just cant have that…i mean that people in general now want constant change and stimulus. I think he did and i had just come to my end in his eyes. It is unbearable for me. It definitely looks like i wont have children in any case..im too old now.

    How can i keep waking up in exactly the same pain and anxiety, i have fought my feelings for me telling myself that if someone can hurt me like this they cant be good for me, but then i find myself stirring some tiny hope that it will all fall through and he’ll realise he was wrong. If i could just destroy the hope i wouldnt go there. He is not the kind to call….he probably wont.

    Im still desperate, still upset…its going to be a while.. what do i do if i see them? he wants me to be happy for him, support him in his new relationship, she probably feels sympathy for me..after all, shes got him. She told him she had been badly hurt before and didnt want him to mess her around (like he already did by going on holiday without her) he talked about her like he had to protect her and look after her. He told her i had social anxiety and this was a problem, she has taken him out a few times and they have fun together. I feel like such a failure.

     

    #139053
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    I re-read your previous thread of two moths ago as well as this one.

    You started the old one with: “My boyfriend finished with me before my 40th birthday”- and it reads throughout your sharing as if he finished-you (not finished WITH you) before your 40 birthday, that your life is now over. And indeed you wrote there “this is the worst thing ever”- as if indeed, your life is over.

    Then you explain why your life is over: you are 40, you don’t have children. You explained that in your area there are few available men, and men treat women like throwaways, and therefore there are lots of single mothers in your area.

    You continue to suggest that you did not want to have children as a single mother because you wanted to be married AND have children, and now it is too late for you to be a single mother. You present a situation where the single mothers in your area have succeeded in life, beyond you, because they have children.

    According to your thinking, your ex’s new girlfriend of ONE MONTH is a very successful woman because she is moving in or already moved in with him. And she already has a child. And, she may have another child with him. In your mind, she is a successful woman, while you are a failure.

    You wrote: “it’s like all my worst nightmares but the very worst would be if she got pregnant and then forced a marriage”-

    You wrote about this new ONE MONTH, live-in girlfriend: “She has a young child of 11, not much money, sounds emotionally needy…”

    You wrote: “My dream was to have a child together and live together”. And now, this ONE MONTH new, live-in girlfriend is living your dream. You continued: “I would die if I saw her with him. living my life. living in his house… she probably feels sympathy for me… after all, she got him

    Here is a list of distorted thinking I identified in your posts (the order listed is not of importance):

    1. The new girlfriend “got him”- that is has him, your ex boyfriend. No, she doesn’t have him, she is living in his house for the moment, that is all. She gets to live in his house, with her son. She doesn’t know what tomorrow brings. He certainly doesn’t have the history (never have been married himself) to indicate to her that there is stability with him. She is probably determined to do her best to stay in his house, willing to say and do anything, knowing she can be thrown our of his house anytime.

    2. When a woman has a child or children, as a single mother or as a married mother, it does not make her successful. Only if she is a GOOD mother, raising physically/ mentally healthy children, then she is successful. Most mothers do not accomplish this.

    3. If a woman is married, it does not make her successful. Only if she has a healthy, loving relationship, then she (and husband) are successful. Therefore, most married women (and those in relationships) are not successful, not for long.

    Your thoughts/ feelings?

    anita

     

     

     

     

    #139081
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Relationships seem to be a popularity contest, not a comfort zone, not a loving place anymore for me. Twice now i have had a relationship fail because the guy wants me to be more and more of what he expects of me and not myself. I have to be more organised for him, more outgoing, more in touch with his family etc…basically to fit the role of a mother.

    I have a problem with social anxiety, i often feel drained if i am uncomfortable and can analyse events afterwards often with some slight that someone has made towards me…this happened a lot with my ex. But now, i believe myself instead of doubting what my experience was. The people i met with him were flaky, fake and often flirted with him or were jealous and ignored me…it wasnt my imagination. It wasnt fun but he wanted me to come out more and i pulled back. He had a few nice friends but it became a struggle for me to go out when i felt anxious about it and i wanted more and more to stay in…he got tired of that and felt cut off from life…i felt i failed him in that respect, i lost him with that and the few times when we had a great time together. This also happened in my previous relationship. I guess the problems happen when they refused to do things i want to do but instead demand more of me.

    As far as the women with children is concerned…to a certain extent i feel that where i live it is a big deal. Making friends is difficult without children, i am seen as a threat to stability or as a childish person of no purpose. Having children gives women a position of some responsibility and respect and i guess power too. It seems to me that men really actually want…a mother, and she is one already.

    I think that women are conditioned in the world anyway to believe a woman who has married has “made it”. The guy picked her and made it to the altar, its a respect thing that we are conditioned to expect when in reality men fall short of the image all the time. It starts very early with cartoons and disney princess characters. Whether we like it or not, the dream that someone will take care of you or be your soulmate i think is just there in the back of your head. But i have never dreamed of marriage, in fact i have an aversion to wedding dresses and the whole pressure of it, we both werent into it really. I just wanted the commitment which of course was promised in the beginning. I saw some old emails, he was saying he was my husband, i was his wife, he told people we would get married but it never happened…he seems to be unable to do it and made excuses. I guess i was had.

    What i cant bear, is that she will be what he wants when i was not…that he will make a commitment to her and that this will show me that i am not worthy of that. It will also tell me that i am no good socially..because she will have met his needs there too.

     

     

     

    #139093
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    He is 50 and never married. Does that mean that all the women he dated were socially awkward? Not organized enough? Or maybe he just never wanted to get married. Maybe his complaints to you, about your supposed inadequacies were excuses, things he threw at you so that you will blame yourself and not him. And he succeeded, didn’t he?

    You wrote: “What I can’t bear, is that she will be what he wants when I was not.. that he will make a commitment to her and that this will show me that I am not worthy of that.”

    Notice this: for fifty years, thirty years of adulthood, THIRTY years of adulthood, he didn’t commit to any woman. And then, he didn’t commit to you either. All the women in his life, then, were not “what he  want(ed)” – correct? And none of the women he dated in thirty years of adulthood was “worthy of that (his commitment, marriage), correct?

    If you believe that he didn’t commit to you because you were not worthy of his commitment, do you also believe that none of the women he met in thirty years was worthy of his commitment?

    anita

     

    #139165
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    I think they were worthy of commitment but that he obviously has a problem with that. While his last relationship was 7 years long so was mine…we had both said that in the end we didnt love those people and that was the problem. In the beginning i couldnt have known that he just was saying words but not serious. He said we would get married and have kids…it was just stuff he said to make himself feel good and me i guess. There was no intent behind it. I dont doubt that he loved me then but he seems to struggle with what he aught to feel about women.

    It could be that he doesnt feel as strongly about this woman but that he just wants peace and looking after by a mother. I was at his house and he wanted me to help with his laundry..i told him to get his new girlfriend to do it as he always complained to me about things like that (even though i did it). He told me it was ok because she was a mum she would be used to doing all those things…i dont think she knows what she is getting herself into. but maybe she is ok with that too, and doesnt need marriage….its just i dont know any woman who DOESNT want commitment. We all want to feel like we are goddesses that no one could leave.

    I think i was worthy of commitment, i am. Its just bad luck stories always for me, one reason and then another of why things dont work out. With my last boyfriend it was that i fell out of love with him and his lack of ambition, drive or interest..it just fizzed out slowly and awfully. I took those 5 years to get over what was not meant to be anyway. This time i really loved the person.

    After a holiday he had come back to me with a ring and i remember at the time i was so excited thinking he would propose (he had called me his wife after all, said he was my husband in emails) but it wasnt an engagement. We argued a lot about it, he said it was a “promise” ring, he felt i was ungrateful. That ring became a symbol of my disappointment, i wore it, then i didnt..i gave it back to him in an argument in the car and he threw it out the window. Later he would tell me that he expected me to propose to him, he asked me to give him a surfboard as a commitment (i know that sounds ridiculous) and i couldnt afford one. I felt like he was toying with me, putting obstacles in the way. But he would use that argument against me and say i could have if i really wanted to. By then i was already so tied to him it didnt matter, i wanted to be with him.

     

     

    #139257
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    The imagined “living happily ever after” with this man, as his wife, my goodness, how delusional it seems to me. It doesn’t seem possible to me. To think of this man, as dishonest and toying as he has been with you, as irresponsible as he is being with the new woman in his life (having her and her child move in with him after only one month of dating is irresponsible)- the thought of a woman, any woman, walking-into-the-sunset with this man, is unbelievable to me.

    Maybe for a very short time, a woman could feel elated, excited.. deluded. But after waking up from that delusion, make-believe “and they lived happily ever after. The End” of fairytales, it must be a cold, cruel awakening.

    After the excitement of a wedding wears off…

    anita

    #139327
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Hi Anita,  I know it doesnt seem reasonable or rational..but i know im no saint either. I have been obsessive, when i want answers i find it impossible to stop trying, a mystery is irresistable to me and he was always that way, never quite communicating what he thought. I guess it was deluded but i was in love.

    I keep hanging onto each day, just trying to find something pretty in it. When i commit to something or become loyal, it seems its almost unshakeable….which means i gets taken advantage of by others who dont see what the big deal is..I guess they would say lighten up but when in that mindset i just dont see, i get really hurt.

    What all this really means to me..is that the marriage, the kids doesnt mean as much to me really as the commitment in return, real passion..and here was a man who just cant be that person, no matter how it seemed. It hurts a lot, he may have lost me my chance to have a family but i feel like i am slowly letting it go..i have to for my sanity. Despite the deep bonds, i dont jump straight into the next person’s bed..i guess realising it might be years was just too sad.

    Thank you for helping me through this..despite having friends to support me and family, i just was looking for these “answers” everywhere and you have really helped me.

     

     

    #139369
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    I am sure you are not a saint. No human being is a saint. But if you are honest and loyal, as you are, you deserve an honest and loyal partner.

    I am glad to read that you wrote that you “are slowly letting it go”- please do, and then, if and when you get involved again, with a man you didn’t meet yet- make sure he is an honest and loyal man, that he has been honest and loyal before he met you.

    There has to be an honest, loyal man in your area, there just… has to be just the one (when you are ready, of course)?

    You made my evening when you wrote that I helped you, thank you for stating that! And do post anytime.

    anita

    #141399
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Hi Anita,  its been a while since i was describing a terrible week in which my ex told me he had met someone, was confused and wanted both of us, but missed me and then finally decided on her…because she is new and im old. then told me he loved her. It hurts so much to think about. Life is very cruel sometimes, someone who was always mine suddenly treating me so coldly. Men in a candy shop, women in emotional hell.

    I havent been much better since that time, the feeling of needing to run away is getting less but i still get physical pain and have to walk a lot to get rid of it. I have been staying with my parents because i was such a mess i couldnt be alone. It makes me feel like such a failure that i cant stand on my own. I was looking for the longest time for a dog to be a companion but cant find one that fits with me…i joined an online dating site but feel so unsure of my decisions, i dont really like any of them anyway and there are so few people in my area anyway, i just dont trust it, i feel like they are out to use me. A friend said i should call my ex if i still feel so strong about him but i cant do that either…I just keep wishing he will regret his decision but everything about the way he is suggests he will never contact me again. im waiting for a miracle. for him to come running back.

    Work has not been so good either, i just dont know who or what i am supposed to be anymore. I dont have money to do anything, to plan a break to get my mind off it. My mom suggested i need to move to the city, i just felt dispair….i have moved a few times in my life, different countries, different lives..its very hard, very lonely and i dont know if i can do it again alone.

    today i just felt such pain thinking of how much i wanted to be with my ex…it seems impossible to switch that off. the rule of “pick a time to think about it” just doesnt apply. I was trying to stop myself from crying at work towards the end of the day.. i reckon i am starting to develop fear of the weekend too…empty days to fill alone.

    When i was alone before i met him, i lived alone but with my parents nearby and work…i know i went a little mad with so much time on my hands. I feel like something has to break, either me or the cycle of loneliness im in.

     

     

     

    #141413
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    What physical pain are you getting (and needing to walk to get rid of it)?

    I hope you do not contact the ex. He is an ex, as in has been, past. He wasn’t right for you.. from your own accounts. The loneliness you are experiencing- accept it, make peace with it. It is better to accept it than to fight it. So you are lonely and sad. Be as calm as you can be while feeling lonely and sad.

    If you come to peace with it, you will not do desperate things like contacting him. Or moving to the city when you are not ready. Or anything you may regret.

    I happen to feel distressed myself, this very evening. All day, actually. I hardly slept last night, that must have a lot to do with it. I am practicing what I am suggesting to you right now. I am uncomfortable. I wish I didn’t feel the way I am feeling right now. But what can I do? If I fight how I feel, if I rush it to change, it will only make things worse.

    You wrote that you feel that something has to break- how about bend a bit, not break. In other words, proceed slowly, mindfully. Be in the present and have your attention on every thing that you are doing. If you wash dishes, be focused on that. If you make the bed, focus on that task. Try to not think long term but one task, one moment, one hour at a time. And please take good care of yourself.

    anita

    #142073
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your wise words…i needed to talk it out. And i hope you feel better too. The patience is the hardest thing, others have told me too but they have also said its going to be very hard for me living where i do.

    i have just had this feeling of panic and a knot in my stomach that turns to pain, in know its just heartache but i feel worn down by it sometimes. So i was walking a lot, just really trying to get away from everything. i have lost a lot of weight because of it with or without the walking. All the anxiety.

    I havent contacted my ex but can’t shake the feeling that we should be together. its stupid but there it is. I do have things i do during the day where i dont think about him but as soon as everything is done i am back going over everything, while i am walking it runs around my head. And it feels like an engine revving constantly inside, i must get something done, i must move forward.

    I guess when i feel worst, it is acute and i need help…when i am calmer i can look at it with more patience, think about bending and not breaking, sit with my loneliness instead of howl about it. I am not a cryer really, just in those first days but i dont usually. But patience is a difficult thing for me now..at this point in my life where i feel others were already taken care of, im still waiting for some high point but instead just struggle on.

    I used to have a friend who contacted me when she had achieved things: career, promotion, bought a house, marriage, baby all in that order..she listed her success and then asked me how i was doing, it was always pointlessly competitive because i never got any of those things but i felt she was making herself feel better by seeing i wasn’t getting anywhere. Eventually i had to cut her out of my life because i realised she always made me feel bad after seeing her and she had been an old friend so it was a hard choice to make. This was years ago now, she got all those things within about 5 years..i am still trying. It makes me feel bad, we are all judged by achievements.

    I know that no matter how i twist and turn in it, my ex doesnt love me the way i loved him. As much as i wanted him to, he couldnt commit either. While he gave me a lot in return; encouraged me, supported me, loved me..i have to accept that he also had the capacity to be cruel and unfair. I am also a very sensitive person so it could hit hard. Then when the smoke cleared i would see he was reacting childishly or selfishly. I dont understand his problems, why he cant open up more, why he doesnt trust but i guess i never will.

    I compare this with the guy i lived with for 7 years, who i sort of fell into a relationship with because i was alone and then found myself stifled and bored, it was the opposite. No passion, no excitement whatsoever, no moving forward and insecurity so that i felt i had to stand in front of him. His parents were controlling and he always gave in to their demands. I spent too long with him, i got very depressed. Literally the only thing he could give me was the commitment.

    I am so used to being alone really..not by choice.

    #142079
    Steve
    Participant

    Hi wildoceanflower

     

    theres little I can add to the words of Anita however maybe I can provide a male orientated perspective to some of your thoughts.

    Your ex is carrying his own emotional hang ups which prevents him from total open commitment   Whatever the reason it’s his issue and you are unable to help as your presence enables him to continue in his actions

    I say this as somebody who has suppressed any emotion that made me feel vulnerable my whole life (also 50 by the way). Whilst I didn’t mistreat my ex’s I can look back and say I wish I had been more trusting to accept I could be loved.

    I’m also single and would love to have that special someone to share with. The thing is I don’t currently have love for myself, I’m not happy within myself which isn’t something that is appealing to be around .

    As easy as it sounds is as difficult as it is to achieve is don’t hide from the feelings. If you can be happy with yourself for no purpose other than self love….you will never feel alone

    sorry for rambling … Keep Smiling 🙂

     

     

    #142093
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    You wrote: “I used to have a friend who contacted me when she had achieved things: career, promotion, bought a house, marriage, baby all in that order… I felt she was making herself feel better by seeing I wasn’t getting anywhere”-

    notice: if career promotion, buying a house, getting marriage, having a baby (and all in that order), is supposed to make a person happy, why did she try to make herself feel better? Wasn’t she already happy?

    It is similar to this: you had a 7 year relationship with a man who was committed to you. Someone reading this may think: if only I was in a seven year relationship, with a man who was committed to me, then I would be happy.

    Funny how we chase happiness, thinking it is THERE, while people who ARE there, are not really there. Everyone’s looking. And yet, we fail to see that millions of people doing financially very well, married, with children… living in big cities with lots of people and all physical accommodations are on anti- depressants. Why?

    I understand your physical pain. Calming yourself down has lots of benefits, one of which is less pain.

    Engaging in tasks does provide you with relief from obsessing, so that works. When not engaged in a task, maybe listening to relaxing guided meditation will help?

    anita

     

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