March 15, 2017 at 12:27 pm #139663
Hi. I am brand new here. I am hoping I can get some advice and insite from others who have been in my shoes….. In 2015 I had 4 BIG life events happen that all came about about 3-6 weeks apart. 1. exactly 2 years ago today, I found out that my step mom and her ex husband had had a son and given him up for adoption. He’d found us. It was amazing because she was a cold stepmom and I hated going over there. We are close as adults, but when I was a kid….. as exciting as it was I was a little angry because they’d told my sister a few months prior who had told our mom in confidence. No one told me until months later…. but I got over it, and its been great. BUT….. about 10 days later my son and I were in a plane headed south to visit my mom. While we were, my husband was back home and had gotten carjacked in a very violent and ugly way. We were lucky, all were picked up with hours and our car was recovered. but the trauma is there still…… 6 weeks later my company announced they were dissolving. I immediately got what seemed to be my dream job. I would start about 3 months after this news. About a month before starting the new job and wrapping up the old, I went in for a mammo which came back suspicious. I ended up having to have a diagnostic lumpectomy which came back negative. I went on, a week later to start my new job. Which was AWFUL! I loved the job and the company, but I worked for someone who was very verbally and emotionally abusive. And by dec of 2015 I would leave sobbing every day. We decided for my sanity and for the sake of our family I needed to leave. I took a much lower paying job for 3 months. That spun me into the worst depression and anxiety ever. I had panic attacks all day long, ruminating thoughts, insomnia…. I finally went on zoloft for 6 months, which caused a weight gain so I went off…. and in the midst, I landed a great job, that is really a dream gig. But I just don’t feel like me yet. I don’t have the anxiety symptoms any longer, other than occasional negative thoughts and I seem to be so focused on 1 thing that never bothered me before…. I just feel like I am lacking my self confidence and my strength. I used to be so strong, and would stand up for myself when needed…. I miss that person. Tell me she’ll surface again???March 15, 2017 at 1:17 pm #139669
She is there….but hiding. Everything you went through was a lot to process and she needs time to heal. It sounds like everything you have experienced has been not only life changing, but can be considered as growing pains of sorts for your soul. Keep in mind, you will never stay the same person, as we are always changing. That is a part of life 🙂 A goal could be to remember that the feelings of depression and doubt are just that. Feelings. Tell yourself that it is ok to feel them, and then release them. I know it is easier said than done. It is something that I am practicing myself, as I have been dealing with depression most of my life. I take anti-depressants and anxiety medicine but it doesn’t make the feelings go away. Instead, when I do have clear moments, I try my best to look at what is positive in my life. Even reflect on what I’ve been through and how much stronger as a person it has made me. It is a journey. I believe you will find tools that will be best for you during the down moments. You are strong. I know I don’t know you personally, but I believe in you.
JennaMarch 15, 2017 at 1:33 pm #139679
Dear carrie Zag:
What is that one thing you are focused on, something that never bothered you before?
anitaMarch 16, 2017 at 8:25 am #139779
Thank you Jenna! you are hitting the nail on the head.
Anita, its something that never bothered me before. School loans. I mean…. out of no where. I think what happened was I took my lower paying job and then freaked out about that. Like OMG, how am I going to pay this. We have zero commercial debt, just a mortgage, and those. and I’ve had them all along, so really WTF! I can’t figure it out……March 16, 2017 at 8:53 am #139783
Dear Carrie Zag:
Your last sentences in your original post are: “I used to be so strong, and would stand up for myself when needed… I miss that person. Tell me she’ll surface again???”
I think she is waiting to re-surface when all is calm long enough, when she is assured nothing stressful or distressing is about to happen.
That strong, confident person that you were- that must have been during a time when nothing distressing was happening and so, it was a temporary happening. To be strong and confident during times of distress- that is something else.
So my answer is: she will surface again when she feels confident enough to handle distress effectively.
anitaMarch 16, 2017 at 9:05 am #139787
Anita, that is profound and probably spot on! Thank you! I have had almost a year of nothing happening, like the year before. I think part of my issue is I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and that’s not good. What you’ve written is really true. Before all of this I was healthy. I was in a job that I was comfortable in and did really well in my role. I was confident in my parenting. Once that job was taken from me and I wound up in a horrible job, that really effected me. I felt worthless there. I would go in with a smile on my face and give 100% percent only to be constantly brow beaten. I would come home in tears and think, if I can’t do this job right, how can I parent,or be a wife, or a family member or even a friend? It really did damage. I always referred to my boss as an abusive ex boyfriend. that’s how she felt. Like she’d be friendly and then in the middle of a sentence turn on me. I was 38 years old, but being treated like a dumb kid. it was horrible. I honestly feel had that not happened I would have rebounded from the other stuff better. but this, this really did a number on me. I question myself daily now, even though I am in a great job and I’m doing very well. A few bumps here and there, but that’s normal.
I am really glad I stumbled upon this site. you and Jenna have given me wonderful responses and really have me sitting here going YES! that’s RIGHT!!!! So, I thank you both 🙂March 16, 2017 at 9:13 am #139789
Dear Carrie Zag:
You are welcome. Some relationships harm us, like the one with the ex boss. Looking back, would you have dealt with that situation differently: exited that abusive relationship earlier? Asserted yourself..?
anitaMarch 16, 2017 at 9:56 am #139807
YOU GOT THIS! Glad to help 🙂March 16, 2017 at 2:04 pm #139877
Hello Carrie Zag,
I have also had life-changing experiences, mine began (most notably) in 2013. I had a total mental breakdown and I was put on Cipralex. I gained a ton of weight, I didnt recognize myself anymore… Like total identity crisis — I lost myself. It sounds like you may have struggled with something similar, it sounds like you may have lost yourself in all of the messy details. For me, I still struggle. I grieve the person I used to be, I don’t know if I will ever fully get that back, it would be unfair to expect me to be the same person I was before all of my shit hit the fan. I know that people tell me all the time “Lindsay, you are so strong. I don’t know how you do it.” I just tell them that I don’t know — because I don’t feel strong. I used to be a competitive swimmer and sometimes I would have a terrible practice, I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere and I wasn’t meeting my goals and that my muscle tone wasn’t where it needed to be… But I kept going. At time trials though — I slayed it. I would beat my best time. All of those times in practice when I felt weak were just me building muscle so that when the time came I could flex them and qualify for meets. I don’t think you will ever be the same, or go back to being the way you used to be… Its not a bad thing. The good parts survive and move on. The anxiety you feel about your student loans is just a response that you are having to feeling like you might not be able to pay them because of a low paying job. When I am in my vortex of anxiety I always ask myself if I am safe at that very moment. If I can answer ‘yes’, then I know that my anxiety is misplaced. If I answer ‘no’, then something needs to change. Anxiety disorders are fucked and it isn’t you-yourself… The time in which we find ourselves is not synonymous with peace and prosperity. Most people right now are in survival mode. I think it is really great that you have an awareness about your current state and it is important to be able to reach out to the people who love you for support — I hope that you have that. I also have experience with loneliness and isolation and it is self-perpetuating — it is the worst when you feel alone with your thoughts and feelings. I hope that things get better for you and that you can somewhat feel like you know who you are , once more.March 17, 2017 at 6:28 am #140035
Thank you so much for your response. Again, great words of advice and wisdom that are helping me today. I really appreciate it. I do feel like i am constantly in survival mode and I don’t know how to change that. I think, as Anita said, my mind hasn’t quite accepted that I am ok…. or something along those lines. I know that it is going to take a long time to fully recover. I have also experienced loneliness with this and it sucks. I have a group that I can turn to, but I feel like its the constant topic of discussion. Me and my anxiety and how am I ever going to feel like me again?? So, its rough. I do have to say, as soon as I typed out my post the other day, I felt immediately better…. so I thank you all for your responses. They’re helping!