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Too afraid to let people in

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  • #121900
    Noor
    Participant

    Hi,
    I have been having this problem for a while now, or more like since I was a child (I’m 30 now) but it seems to be worse lately. I can’t seem to let people in, and when I do I usually back off and let them slip away. I feel like when I let people in they make me weak, like I am losing control over who I want to be and how I want to be seen.
    I had depression since I was ten years old due to parents neglect and sexual molestation by my brother in law. Currently I like to think I am a successful person, I am a lecturer at 2 universities and a manager at a charity org. But the more people I meet the less I want to be around them. I was let down by my first relationship (he let me go without a fight), lost my mother to a fire accident 7 years ago, and my fiance passed away a year and half ago in an accident. Sometimes I just feel like I can’t handle loneliness anymore, but whenever people show interest, be it friendship or love, I push them away. They repel me and I feel like no matter what I do, I will end up losing them or hurting them if they get too close.

    I don’t know what to do. Because often times when I am working and looking all confident and strong outside, inside me I am just looking at people wondering when they will be leaving, or whether they talk nicely to me but in reality they are mocking me.

    I tend to joke too much because most of the time I feel like I don’t have anything interesting enough for people to listen to me, even though I do. I know I am an interesting person… but still this anxiety is eating me alive and I am terrified of myself.

    I just want to know if anyone else has experienced that and what did you do to change it. sorry this was long.

    #121903
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phoenixlight:

    Yes, I experienced being afraid that people will hurt me. People became synonymous with pain, for me, so as instinctively as I was repelled by pain, I was repelled by people as well.

    What has worked for me was psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist whom I trusted. He was honest with me, straightforward, clear; he walked his talk and talked his walk. He kept his word. He was a hard working therapist, sessions went beyond time limits (if he had the time) and he was available to in-between-sessions communication.

    My healing started in his office, more than five years ago, and is still ongoing.

    anita

    #121950
    VJ
    Participant

    Dear phoenixlight,

    1) Do you feel love towards these people with whom you interact and then repel.
    Note here, I am not referring to the ‘love’ between a spouse, but about a true, genuine feeling of love and compassion towards another person. The love where we do not need anything from the other person.

    2) Do you love yourself?
    At least by saying ‘I am terrified of myself’ I do not think that may be the case because fear is the opposite of love, but would like to hear from you.
    Note that ‘trying’ to love yourself or ‘I’m working on it’ does not mean that you are in love with yourself.

    3) Do you have at least one person/pet in your life whom you love?

    Note: All three questions are different. If you answer them I will think of suggesting something.

    Warm Regards,
    VJ

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by VJ.
    #122322
    JS
    Participant

    Dear phoenixlight:

    First, I’d like to commend you on how much you have been through and are still going strong. Please remember that you are a survivor and thriver! You have a lot to offer this world.

    It’s understandable that you keep your guard up and keep people at arm’s length. You’ve experienced a lot of “loss” in a relatively short amount of time. I myself am dealing with the first “loss” of a loved one recently, and it’s been very hard for me. I can’t imagine my Mom passing away and then my ex-fiance, etc. That is a lot to go through. Grief has no timeline – it is unique to each of us. Be easier on and kinder to yourself.

    A good therapist is always helpful. But, I also believe in being proactive and not depending entirely on a therapist. You can read articles, books, watch YoutTube videos about giving and receiving love. Especially to yourself. Have you sought therapy due to the sexual abuse? That is also something I can relate to – I think I have gone through a significant amount of healing but before I was able to tell more people (professional therapists about it), I did have a wall up for years. In a way, I tell myself that wasn’t such a bad thing, because I didn’t engage in sex until later than my peers.

    I’m not a psychologist, but it sounds like you have some abandonment issues. It seems like you have to remind yourself that whatever happens, whether you meet someone and they “leave,” you will be ok. People come and go in our lives. I’d like to believe they are present to either teach us something and vice versa. However long they stay is not within our control. So, as long as we come from a good place, the time we spend with those people will be mutually enriching.

    The fact that you acknowledge you may or may not be in control when people get too close is a good thing. Now that you aware of that, you can take the steps to alleviate the anxiety when you feel like you aren’t in control. It’s important to have a strong sense of self. And, sometimes that is what being alone is exactly for. When you know yourself, love yourself, and feel confident in your self (including the light and shadow sides), you will feel like you are in more control.
    Then again, always being “in control,” can be unhealthy. We cannot control everything. You mentioned you were a lecturer. You can control the information and knowledge you impart on your students. But, you can’t control how much of that knowledge and information will be retained by each student. Of course, you can hold office hours and further explain the subject matter. But, in the end – it is up to each student to do their part. Maybe it would be helpful to consider that perspective in other aspects of your life.

    Considering you’re on this website, I would also suggest reading up more on Buddhism and its teachings about going with the flow and surrendering.

    Namaste.

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